85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

2020 or bust

It’s been a while since my last update. Things kind of become a blur with 2 kids and updating on development stops feeling so needed. 2 is an age where a lot starts to change. Your baby isn’t a baby anymore. They’re a full blown 100% toddler complete with language acquisition and preferences. P never had what I’d consider terrible 2s. Around 3 and preschool is when a lot of his problems started bubbling to the surface. H is completely different. He gets full blown kicking screaming tantrums. Ones where his whole body gets this weird mix of stiff yet jelly so that you can not properly grab onto him. He latches onto something and decides if he doesn’t get that thing it’s a tantrum. There are many mornings where he decides he wants to bring a toy with him to the car, sometimes something small, sometimes big. I’ve decided to stop letting him carry things to the car because it’s a no win scenario. He usually drops it at some point while I’m driving and the screaming starts. And it doesn’t end. So nope, no more stuff leaves the house. But then he screams about that too and goes stiffylimp. He does this with such violence I’m afraid he will dislocate his shoulder. I try to carry him with 2 arms to keep his legs pointed away from me since he thrashes and kicks. Our door is a steel door and when it is cold it is impossible to lock without 2 hands. 1 to turn the key and one to pull as hard as you can on the handle to get the door into the right position. How do I lock the door while 2 arm carrying a screaming thrashing toddler intent on ripping his arms off? I have him straddle my knee, press him into the door with my body and one arm and try to free just my hand to pull the door while I lock with my free arm. It’s a total mom move. Difficulty 10/10. Then I hoist him up with his legs pointing away from me while he shreaks to the neighborhood about the injustice of having to leave his toy story book behind. He usually continues crying in the car all the way until we get back home. Today though the crying didn’t stop when we returned home. I had to repeat the mom move to unlock the door and I laid his contorted body on the ground to thrash to his hearts content. I gave him the book he was originally flailing for. He did not want it. He threw himself into the door over and over. At this point I’m not sure either of us know what he wants. I sit on the floor and be available for him, but he throws himself into me and squirms around me. He doesn’t want my hug or affection. If I lift him onto my lap he forces himself away. After 10 minutes of his continued tantrum (on top of the tantrum before we left and the car tantrum) he snaps out of it and brings me a blanket to cuddle under. He immediately quiets down. I don’t even know what I could have done differently. I don’t even know what he wanted. I don’t think HE knew either.

This kind of thing happens throughout the day when he spies something he thinks he needs and now during dinner more often. He throws a fit about the dinner he is served and refuses to eat it. I dread going out to eat now because he will refuse the food he has eaten no problem before and scream for the food on my plate. I’m a mean mom and I don’t think my 2 year old needs french fries. But now he knows what french fries are and I’m not allowed to eat them around him. Lest he launch into a wild thrashing scream in public where he has almost knocked his high chair over. Yes, those big wooden chunky ones. He is that strong and his thrashing that violent. Since I don’t want him eating junk I ignore it. But you can’t ignore that in public without the entire restaurant staring at you and going silent. I don’t even want to eat out anymore which was one of the small pleasures I had. Last night my husband got out his birthday ice cream cake while H was still awake (we were on our way up for bed) and of course he saw it. That began a 10+ minute long tantrum while I tried to get him ready for bed, brushing his teeth through screams. I’m not going to give in to the tantrum because that only causes more tantrums. You’re exchanging silence now for telling your child it’s cool to scream for things you want. It’s the whole reason we have issues with french fries. My husband just HAD to stop the crying and let him have some and guess what, now it happens every time. He gives in all the fucking time and all it does is make my life harder.

It doesn’t help that H also has issues with speech. He is delayed and receiving services, but we recently found out his issues are tied to pretty bad hearing loss due to fluid build up. His ENT is giving it a month to clear up with allergy medicine before moving on to other things. Maybe H has allergies. Maybe he doesn’t. All I know is he mouth breathes and can’t hear. I want the problem fixed and the source figured out. But this is a long process with months in between appointments. I feel all the building blocks are there. He does talk, it’s just really gibberishy. The bottleneck is his hearing. Once that is cleared up I have no doubt he will be talking at age level. He already seems to know letters and most words in his word book, that’s pretty good.

Outside of talking issues and extreme tantrums, he seems quite smart and helpful. He brings me things he thinks I need. His receptive language is great. He can usually watch his Daniel tiger without too much wandering. He still enjoys veggies. He can shape sort and do some puzzles. He’s a little big for his age, and I like that. He can pee on the potty when I ask.

His big brother is reading now and that’s fantastic. That’s about the only good thing I can say. He did alright with Kindergarten but frequently got in trouble or got bad colors. He started off doing well with First grade but over the past 6 weeks has gotten progressively worse with his behavior. He can NOT stop talking. He interrupts the teacher and bugs other kids. It’s just nonsense talk most of the time. Unimportant questions. Nonsense attention seeking behavior. I can’t even describe it without calling it dumb. He just ACTS DUMB all fucking day. He got in trouble the other day for stuffing his pockets full of tissues and insisting to the teacher he needed them instead of doing school work. The kind of stuff that makes you scratch your head and wonder wtf is wrong with this kid? He was moved to his own desk away from the other kids instead of being at a communal table because he was being too disruptive. He’s constantly bouncing off the walls running around at home bugging everyone. I don’t understand how anyone could parent this child without losing their mind. He is overstimulating to me and I’m in a constant state of wanting to get away from the noise and action because it does.not.end. I am frazzled all day every day. Just wishing he could freaking SIT STILL AND SHUT UP. He cannot. I asked him to sit on his butt next to me this morning and stay still and quiet. He might be able to do it for 30 seconds before he starts up wanting to say something or wiggling or trying to get up. I kept sitting him back down and snapping at him to remain quiet. After a little bit he began hitting himself in the head. Why? I don’t know and apparently he doesn’t either. If you try to talk reason and logic with him he just brick walls everything with “I don’t know” or “I forgot”. It’s like living with a tornado. A dumb tornado. My child doesn’t listen. My child has 0 self control. My child is very intelligent but acts very stupid.

We filled out behavior paperwork from his doctor and so did his teacher. Our appointment to discuss it isn’t until February but when I self scored it using a scale found online, he has ADHD. Impulsive/hyperactive subtype. This does not surprise me in the least. But of course my husband is not fully convinced it’s ADHD. I do think there is another component at play here, maybe OCD, but he definitely does have ADHD. This is beyond normal 6 year old boy behavior which is what everyone tries to hand wave away at me. I don’t understand why no one wants to support me. They all complain about P’s behavior but then when I bring up ADHD everyone wants to tell me he’s fine and normal and doesn’t need medication. Why the fuck is everyone in my life so against medicating a child with mental issues? YOU’VE DEALT WITH HIS ISSUES! He’s having issues at school with his teacher who is a god damn saint and an educational wizard who gives seminars to other teachers and goes the extra mile with P to build a behavior plan that works for him. But even she can not get anything to work for him. If an early childhood educator with as much pedigree as this one can not help my child, how can I ever expect to on my own?”But he acts just like so and so at that age” says my family. Then I ask if so and so ever had to be moved away from his peers because he was interrupting them all day. “Well no”. Ok then he isn’t “just like so and so” he’s his own person with his own issues. Also when so and so grew up unto a pretty mediocre adult why in the world would I see that as reassuring? So and so probably needed help too but you’d rather pretend nothing could possibly be wrong with so and so for your own feels. It’s absolutely maddening the lack of support I feel. My job is to help P grow into a functional adult with healthy relationships and a good education. He will need help to get there and I will get him every bit of help I can, whether that be medication or therapy based. I will do everything I can to see him not fail at life. He’s such a smart kid, he needs help controlling himself. The last thing I need is his classmates shutting him out and he becomes another statistic of radicalized lonely young boys who go down a bad path.

Husband is still husband. Our house is still needing help. The more I think about it husband probably has some form of ADHD because he has trouble keeping himself on task and staying organized. But his latest plan is to build a supershed in the back yard for his ebay mess so it’s out of the house once and for all. With the basement and garage no longer being used up we can finally start work on the basement and start bringing the house into the final stages of renovation. Though we’re still at a point where we’re deciding how much to do and whether or not we’re staying here or buying/building elsewhere. This house is lovely, I really do like it. But it’s not perfect and it does not have enough space for us both to be running businesses out of it. We can change that or leave. But we can’t leave it the way it is, there are still some things we can do to improve it whether we stay or not. This will all take time and money. We are currently working on a get out of debt plan and maybe we’ll be there in 1 years time. Without debt our ability to put money into the house will expand and make things easier. I just hope this isn’t more carrot on a stick nonsense with no end in sight. I’m trying to back off and let it happen, but it’s hard. I keep getting older and shit keeps staying the same. I can’t spend another decade on the hamster wheel getting nothing accomplished and staying miserable.

I’m still at a crossroads with my life and career. Do I prepare to go back to work for someone else or continue working for myself? My store is doing well, I grossed 25K this year which is so wonderful for a small time Etsy shop. I only net about 8K of that. I don’t know how much I make on ebay with my flipping venture but it’s probably very similar, I will start tracking it this year. It has always been hard because I’m carrying over so much inventory year to year and I don’t remember how much I paid. I don’t think I can ever grow this to a level where I match the income I’d make on the outside. But for now it’s really good for me and hopefully looks good to a future employer. That I wasn’t just sitting with my thumb up my ass raising two very difficult children, even though that alone is a job. I was also running essentially 2 businesses on top of it. #supermom

Let’s not even talk about the stress I deal with taking both these kids to the post office and goodwill after school every day. I’m sure the people at the goodwill think I’m abusive or something. We walk into the store and one or both of my kids are screaming more often then not. H screams because he needs P in the cart, it’s one of those irrational things he gets mad about. P does not want to sit in the cart and they both scream over it. P tries to run around and touch everything. He has broken items on more then one occasion. It does not matter that I’ve spent the last 2 years telling him every day at this store HANDS TO YOURSELF, he does not remember and will not keep his hands to himself or stop running. Because again, he has 0 self control and no brain. So I’m hunched over in his face reminding him, doing what I can to put the fear of god in him about not fucking touching anything. And to please stop talking. He continues talking nonsense at stores at the top of his volume. People seem to think this is funny and I must be a real witch to growl at him to shut up. I’m tired, so tired of every day being groundhog day. We go to the same store at the same time looking at the same things and I keep having to remind him of the same things. Please stop talking. Please be quiet. Please keep your hands to yourself. Please stop pulling the cart. Please stop annoying your brother. Please put that toy back. I’m sorry but how the hell am I supposed to keep my cool when I feel like I’m taking crazy pills and NOTHING CHANGES?? I’m exhausted dealing with it and I just need it to stop! No one helps me with these kids I’m basically a single mom who finds momming not enough and piles other responsibilities on. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to feel guilty about not being fine with motherhood alone. Motherhood sucks. Motherhood is not my hobby. Motherhood will not help my career. I’m not giving up my businesses to lessen my stress. I need more help with my kids.

I have a goal to get better at non vector art and less derivative art. So I bought myself an iPad Pro and Apple pencil. But now I have constant anxiety about spending alllll that money on something that I’m finding very difficult and I’m not sure I’ll ever excel at. It’s probably the most expensive thing I’ve purchased in….forever. Geeze I can’t think of the last time I dropped 800 dollars on anything, I’m not sure I ever have. Even the TV I bought almost 10 years ago was only 500. It’s so unlike me. I hoard money for rainy days. I like being financially solvent. It lessens my anxiety about not having a real job. Anxiety can be a potent fuel for me though. It’s a double edged sword. The anxiety pushes me to keep picking up the iPad and attempting some wonky scribble, but it’s also not allowing me to relax any and just take a night off. I have to find better balance. Between making and shipping orders and being a parent, I really lack free time. I’ll probably continue to exhaust myself with the iPad for the remainder of the month then relax on it a little. Oh and lets not even mention the thrifting youtube channel my husband and I have been kicking around. Because I definitely need more things to do with my non existent work time. God what is wrong with me? I want the success so bad I’ll keep pushing myself until it happens or die trying. Lets go 2020, we can do this! ADHD diagnosis for one, clearing the ears of the other, supershed for husband, and art improvement for me!

Summer Breaking Me

Summer break is the bane of my existence. Oh sure, that first week visions dance in your head of sprinkler fun, trips to the splash pad, playgrounds, nature walks, play dates, and more. STUFF! FAMILY FUN! Then once that honeymoon period fades you realize you’ll live the same old boring life you always have. You don’t live near any nice splash pads. You don’t have a usable fenced in backyard to send the kids into to play unattended and front yard is flooded after a half hour of sprinkler fun. All the playgrounds in town are littered with needles and in need of repair and sometimes you don’t want to drive 15+ minutes to a nice playground in a nice town. Not to mention none of them are toddler friendly. In fact none of your plans are really toddler friendly. Splash pads with a 20 month old mean them constantly trying to run away and skin their knees and you getting soaking wet trying to redirect them. Playgrounds mean equipment too big for them that you will have to hover near them the entire time to make sure a big kid doesn’t shove them down the slide. Plus when you’re a nap nazi and you live in isolated cow town USA you get exactly one shot at doing something so you’d better make it count. Oh and you can only stay MAYBE an hour before having to shlep home. When you put it that way, why even bother? It makes me feel bad for my older kid but such is life.

I spend most of every day sitting on my ass in my living room because there is nothing.to.do. Surrounded by my almost 6 year old that likely has ADHD and my 20 month old who needs to be sitting next to or on me all day. Sometimes he adds in a little extra in the form of thumb sucking and insisting on stroking my hair for a little razzle dazzle. But that is my entire life at this point. I don’t go anywhere unless it’s to eat or shop with my husband. I have 1 friend. Used to have 2.

Record scratch, detour. Time to rant about this second husband business I see a lot. Friend 2 went through a divorce and is now doing that typical second husband shit and I can’t relate. You know the shit. #livingmybestlife. Old husband no fun new husband gives foot rubs, old husband grouchy and overworked new husband paints my toe nails, old husband boring new husband fun! But you know they’re just in the honeymoon phase and old husband was actually a descent guy who seemed to be trying his best.  Plus they go on trips on their child free weekends. Like vegas trips. We’ve only remained friends because our kids are close in age. She’s getting married again and I’m not even bridal party close with her. I can be happy for her being happy but knowing WHY she got divorced and kind of side eyeing it all can take its toll on a friendship. I know I know dear reader. I sound like I’m full of sour grapes. And maybe I am. But the point I’m trying to illustrate is I can’t relate to her new life and all the time she spends with new man. We’re on 2 different playing fields. We never hang out and haven’t really been close since she started working full time. We’ve grown apart. So yeah, down to 1 hang out friend.

Friend 1 is pretty great as friends go but she has her own crazy busy life so we mostly text and rarely get together. And that’s fine. Simply another of the many reasons why I feel isolated and bored all the time. I wish I lived somewhere with activities. Everything close by. Options! Everything is so far away here. Even my mom is too far for convenience. I’m doing it all myself and it’s taking a mental toll. I’m hitting the wall. Summer break is breaking me.

Child P will be 6 very soon. He’s still an extremely active little shrimp. Being home in one room of the house ALL DAY with him is not good for my sanity. He’s every 6 year old boy ever but probably worse. He wants to run around and bounce off everything. He constantly makes terrible decisions and irritates me. He developed a vocal tic. He doesn’t learn from any gentle parenting and doesn’t recall anything I’ve exhaustively tried to relay to him. He simply doesn’t LEARN and just DOES WHATEVER. Nothing is enough to get him to train his brain to stop and think. That’s literally all I need him to do, take a second and USE HIS DAMN BRAIN before opening his mouth and begging me for something he forgot he just asked for 5 times already. He will not though. And of course any time you try and commiserate with others moms they just laugh it up and tell you how completely normal it is. Haha 6 year old BOYS amirite? Haha they’re so annoying and animalistic all the time. Haha it’s totally normal to want to rip your hair out parenting them. Haha just let them outside to run it off. Haha your mental health doesn’t matter. Hahahaha BOYS WILL BE BOYS. All I get from my husband is “he’s just like me as a kid” and all I get from my mom is “they wanted to medicate your brother but I SAID NO OMG I’M SUCH A GOOD MOM FOR THAT.” I will admit I need to reserve judgement about anything being “wrong” vs “normal” with my son but I have strong suspicion something is not right and that something is ADHD. I will be bringing this up at his birthday doctor’s visit, again, and pushing this time for an evaluation of some sort. I’m done pretending this is normal. I’m done being told this is just how boys are and you need to deal with it.

H is 21 months almost and still struggling with talking. He has no real clear words. He sometimes uses a 2 sound “word” to convey “all done”. Sometimes uh oh and thank you but the sound are all the same, the only thing that matters is context. His bye bye is a series of what I can only describe as squirrel chirps. He uses dadadada for everything ever. He is starting speech therapy but I don’t buy into it much this time around. I honestly think kids just talk at their own rate regardless of any “therapy” but I’ll go through the motions because it’s free and can’t do any harm. He’s still a good eater and sleeper. Fights every diaper change, clingy as hell, shy around new people, and sucks his thumb when watching tv. I try to pull it out when I can. He’s getting a little too old for it and I don’t want it bothering his teeth or affecting his speech. He brings me the remote sometimes when he wants to watch TV but it’s always during the TV free periods (read all day before dinner). He seems very smart, he understands how most of the toys work. He can push a car. He doesn’t point to body parts no matter how much I train it. He will pee on the potty if I bring him to it though so there’s that. Mostly he spends his time trying to slither across my lap for various reasons and crying when I try and push him away. I’m not allowed to do anything without H being nearby. On my computer? Lap slithering and twitching. Bathroom? Follow me. Lay down for a moment? Climbed on top of and sat on. I love how much he loves me but it does get suffocating.

Relationship wise things could be better. Maybe that lovey halo has peaked and fallen off. Things don’t seem quite as magical as they did in earlier posts. Maybe it’s me. Maybe summer is taking its toll on my mental state. I’m constantly on edge and no one cares. I spend all day with a tight chest and an explosive temper. I get no breaks. None. My husband doesn’t believe in “I’ll watch the kids you go out an spend a little time by yourself to regroup, you need it”. I tell myself that isn’t most husbands anyway but does that make it any better? He sure gets his alone time though to work on whatever projects he insists need to be done. Oh but I can’t point out this injustice, he isn’t “getting anything” out of these things he puts on his own plate and happily takes off to do. Then why the frig are you doing them then? He’s so completely full of shit and I don’t even understand it. Why are men like this? Why does this seem to be such a typical man problem? I realize there are plenty of guys who aren’t like this but I’ve read enough motherhood articles, NYT opinion pieces, forum posts, and conversations with friends to know this is all to common a “thing” among the XY chromosome having humans. Cool. Guess I’ll just be over here slowly plucking my feathers over constant stress and anxiety while you continue to take and take from me without giving back. See how long that lasts.


To be 16

We’re at 16 months the second time around. H was 30.81 inches and 24lbs 7oz at his 15 month appointment. Pretty big dude if I do say so. Since last update he walks all the time, can put the blocks correctly in his train, and loves his ball popper. He is starting to identify things and attempt saying them. He does not have any clear words yet. I believe he is starting to make progress towards hi, cat, and dada. He says dada clearly I guess.  He LOVES when his dad comes home from work. As soon as he hears the lock click he’s over by the door doing his jiggle dance wanting to be picked up. He is starting to wave, and will clap and high five. He doesn’t really do anything when asked though. If I ask for a clap he might actually respond with a clap 10% of the time. We are working on identifying “pee pee” for going pee, so that when he can respond to that as a command we can move on to introducing a potty chair. I think he’s starting to understand that as well. He is also pointing now which is cool. He seems to listen when he’s doing something wrong though. If he’s crawling on top of my computer and I tell him no he will usually back off it.

The mimicry is exploding this month so I’m hoping by 18 months he will have a leap forward in abilities. If I leave my keys on the ground he grabs the biggest one and tries to smash it into the door knob. He has put toys back on several occasions. When I leave my computer open to go to the bathroom I’ve come back to him with his hand on my mouse acting like he knows how to use it. I’ve even seen him throw something away. I was blowing something for him and he is now trying to blow as well….but he does it by pouting his lower lip and blowing up at his hair. It’s really amazing how much he’s learning. His favorite past time is sitting on my lap, sucking his thumb, and stroking a lock of my hair. If I’m sitting on the floor he’ll come over and plop right down on my lap to indulge himself. Luckily he rarely does it for long before he’s off to something else. I don’t think it’ll become a habit.

He has 6 teeth and currently I do not see more poking through. He eats pretty well but he doesn’t like pasta! Not even mac and cheese! He just spits it out or throws it on the ground. What kind of child doesn’t like pasta? Spaghetti type noodles seem to be fine though. H is definitely more picky then P, and I hate it. Please let him grow out of it.

Relationship wise I’m still pretty happy. Husbands patience has grown and he feels like a PARTNER in every sense of the word. Like maybe I’m not doing it all on my own, he tries to help when he can. It’s odd though because instead of enjoying it I find myself paranoid thinking this happy period is just a chapter in our book of life. Like I don’t deserve happiness or something. I hope this is the new us, new and improved. It has been at least a year or so that things have felt different for the better. We communicate more effectively and have more empathy towards the issues we face separately. We’re more intimate and playful. We do little things to help out each other. Just today my husband planned a child free outing so I could “have a day off”. Yes, I had to ask my mom to watch the kids and coordinate that part, but the fact that he could recognize I needed a break and made a suggestion 2 weeks ago to plan for it is huge. I do not want to go back to the way things were. I’m happy now. I’ll always remember us this way.

One year, one last year

My second and last baby has turned 1. What a momentous occasion. For the longest time I wasn’t sure I wanted 2 kids, 1 was hard enough. But the first year has flown by seemingly twice as fast as the first child’s first year. It’s insane! And it wasn’t so bad!

Baby, or should I say toddler #2 is still a fairly happy dude. He was 22lbs 10oz and 29.9 inches at his 1 year checkup, putting him in the 70th for weight and 50th for height. He just started walking about a week ago. Before then he refused to take steps or stand without holding onto something. Then he just let go and went for it and now he enjoys trying to walk. He is not 100% walking but he loves attempting to walk around. He is surprisingly proficient with his push walker and can even turn it around and walk everywhere with it. That’s pretty clever. He also recently started understanding the concept of turning the light off. This is something I did with my first son as well. After a bath I hold him to the light switch and ask him to turn it off. Both started doing it around this time. He still doesn’t put the blocks on top of the alphabet train like son #1 did at this age. He seems like he may be pickier then son 1. There are certain meals he picks at and isn’t excited about. That makes me sad since I don’t want either of my kids to be picky kids. Son 1 is oddly picky about potatoes. At least he still likes most veggies. They both like avocado, so they get to love SOMETHING green thankfully. No one likes those adults who refuse anything green on their sandwiches.

His schedule is pretty solid, he gets 1 nap at 11 and will nap typically until 1 or later. Rarely the nap is an hour. He goes down for bed at 8. We still nurse a few times a day and he gets a breakfast, lunch, and dinner with some whole milk. Things seem to be doing fine routine wise. He has 1 fang. I don’t know what that’s about. His bottom teeth feel like they may be ready to come out soon but so far he has a single top fang with the other fang barely poking out. I can see the edges of the top front teeth starting to come down. So odd he is getting tops before bottoms and fangs before middles. When he eats his food it is almost exclusively with his left hand. Son 1 was not so strongly handed at this age and is still somewhat ambidextrous, though he writes left handed. It seems as though I will end up with 2 left handed children. How you get that from 2 right handed adults and all but 1 right handed grandparent is beyond me. Genetics be like that sometimes.

No words out of him, at least nothing I would call official. He babbles mamamamama sometimes but I feel it’s just babbling and not calling ME mama. He does seem to vocalize a “yeah” but again, I think it’s just reading tea leaves level stuff and not real purposeful talking. I am not in a hurry for him to talk anyway. I learned my lesson with the last one to be careful what you wish for. Son 1 is in kindergarten and doing well. He is starting to read sight words and can read his “bears on wheels” book by himself. He gets mostly green on his color chart, some yellows, an there were a couple reds over the months. My husband started bribing him with a weekly small lego set to encourage his cooperation and to stop being a little shit at school. The first couple weeks were rough. I’m not a big fan of bribing, never have been. Bribing gets you on a track you can’t easily get out of. Once you start bribing then when exactly can you stop and just expect them to act decent because it’s the decent thing to do? I’m not sure you can. So we’ll see how it plays out. So far, I’m just glad he is staying green and not spittling at the principal anymore (yes this happened).

I am still happy in my house. The basement is not done nor will it be for some time I think. I have settled into the mindset that this is going to be my long time home, if not forever home. This means eventually I will get a livable basement, lovely useable backyard, and maybe even an addition over the garage. But none of it will be happening soon. This plan will take a decade. As any long time readers know, I do not do well with the long term. Looking forward to things that MIGHT happen SOMETIME gives me anxiety. I like knowing what to expect and when. I have accepted this is not always going to be possible and I should try to be excited for the future changes rather than lament their slow coming. So far it is going well. As for my anxiety, I have finally reached a breaking point and have sought help. I went for my annual well visit and nearly broke down at my doctor when speaking about some of the acute anxiety problems I face. My day to day is not bad and very manageable without medication. But it is the acute, situational issues that rapidly fire me up and drive me nuts that I have issues dealing with. My breaking point was at the Elton John concert I had been looking forward to since February. I could barely enjoy the opening song, Benny and the Jets, because I was close to puking or passing out. The anxiety of being “trapped” in the middle of the row and racing thoughts about omg what do I do, I came this far, I’ve wanted this so long, why am I so scared of dying or being trapped right now? What is wrong with me? It didn’t seem right. I was able to calm down, but I’ve had a lot of random issues like that where the kids have been pressing my buttons all day and I just want to hide away but I can’t. I react how any caged animal would. I scream and I lash out. I am not proud of it. I want help. My doctor prescribed me an antihistamine called vistaril to take as needed for anxiety attacks. I am excited to try something and see if it helps my “attacks”.

I’m not sure what is triggering me. Stress likely plays a part. My husband works a lot and then comes home and works on his ebay stuff, which is part hobby and part “we’re poor and need the extra income”. I feel I can’t ask him for help with the kids without him making me feel guilty because I am taking him away from his work and therefor taking money away from us. Money we so desperately need. So I get to be a shaken up bottle of soda frequently exploding onto everyone and my husband’s solution is the shrugging dude emoji. He gets to go in the basement and work on his ebay stuff, I don’t get to hide and work on my own anytime ever. I don’t get a vacation from being a mom. It’s all so cosmically unfair to me. I feel like a slave in my own home and NO ONE CARES. The other day son 2 was being picky about his dinner. The kitchen was a mess and needed cleaning. I asked husband, who normally retreats to the basement when he’s done eating if he could try and feed the baby or clean the kitchen. He tried to do the kitchen….by unloading and reloading the dishwasher. That’s it though, not wiping down the counters or anything else I do when I clean up EVERY NIGHT after dinner alone. He tagged off and fed son 2 while I did that. Whatever, it should have been fine, he helped, I’m grateful. But then he started fishing for praise. When I told him to stop fishing for praise he went and got stupid. He said “I’m not fishing for praise, I just want a thank you”. Ummmmmm wat. Since when is wanting a thank you not the same as fishing for praise? It’s the same fucking thing. And even if it weren’t, why do you need thanks for doing the dishwasher? He says it’s “my job” and he helped with “my job” and he didn’t have to help with “my job” but he did. Any other mom’s heads starting to get a little hot? Yeah mine too. Absolute bull shit excuse. You live here too dude, dishes are not “my job”. You don’t need thanks for taking care of shit that pertains to your existence too. I don’t enjoy cleaning. I do it because my brain will overheat in the presence of mess and clutter. If I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done. He usually walks the dogs at night before bed. Sometimes I do it. I don’t do it because I want him to thank me. I don’t care if he even notices. I don’t get mad if he never says a thing about it. Like it literally doesn’t matter to me. Sure it’s “his job” and sometimes I do “his job” but I never fish for praise. I don’t see things as “his job” or “my job”, we can both help each other out with rolls we happen to fall into without expecting anything from it.

He can talk about how he doesn’t WANT to do the ebay thing and he HAS to all he wants. He still enjoys doing it. It’s still fun for him. He still gets to do it alone whenever he wants away from the kids. I’ve offered to help him! I will always be the low woman on the totem pole of my house. Forever bearing 100% of the child related responsibilities and feeling guilty every time I make an appointment and have to sheepishly ask my husband to watch the kids. It shouldn’t be that way. Why should I have to feel that way in my own home? Asking permission to be something other then a mom for a few hours? It’s cruel and unfair. No wonder I’m so grouchy sometimes. A little acknowledgement of my struggle would be helpful. My husband seems to think that I should be grateful to have to do “nothing” but watch the kids all day and anything else I should reserve to do in the 3 hours I get to myself every night. No. That’s horrible. Maybe that’s enough for some people but it’s not for me. I don’t like never having money, I don’t like not getting to spend any time together as a family that doesn’t involve eating out or thrifting. I want my husband to be hanging out in the living room with me and the kids on his days off not hiding away and working on stuff. I’m beginning to think that life will never happen. My husband will always be working on something because that is who he is. So what do I do? Save me vistaril you’re my only hope.

11 Months

Well 11 months and some days. We’re doing well over here. Baby 2 is almost a whole year old and it’s insane how fast this year seemed to fly by. He is cruising and crawling with lightning speed but does not stand independently at all, nor does he really try. I do not think he will walk at one year. He is on mostly “real food” meals, but like with child 1 we’re still kind of stuck on a lot of the same foods. I suck at giving babies variety. Also this one seems to be slightly picky? He is starting to work foods back out of his mouth or toss them on the ground. I’m not sure if it’s because he isn’t that hungry or he doesn’t like the foods. Time will tell. He still has no teeth! Though just this week he has started acting fussy, rubbing at his mouth, chewing his fingers, and fiddling with his ears. I think they are on the horizon but they are still not visible or feelable yet. We still nurse, I try to get him every 2-3 hours for a top up. My supply has gone to shit though and at night after 4 hours I only pump a little under 3oz. He does exhibit some separation anxiety. Overall baby 2 is a pretty happy smiley boy. He naps well compared to the first kid. He will fuss for almost no time and just roll over to his belly and fall asleep. He is working on dropping a second nap but some days he really needs it. He doesn’t seem to be as clever as the first though. He mainly likes carrying around toys in his mouth and doesn’t interact much with things beyond that. He did start this funny trend of crawling over top of something in a specific way and then carrying the item around with his back legs as he crawls. I guess that’s pretty clever.

Child 1 though I have some serious issues with. He gets worse with his behavior every year and it’s causing problems in school. He thinks he’s allowed to do whatever he wants and has developed a defiant streak. I don’t understand it because he has punishments. They are predictable, he knows they’re coming if he misbehaves. He gets spankings. He gets stuff taken away. He cries. We remind him of the consequences when he’s doing something but it’s like he has no concept of a “later” punishment. If I can’t grab him and spank him to “snap” him out of it right then and there nothing works. The self control is minimal with him. I never wanted to be a spanking mom but when you have a child that CANNOT COMPREHEND AND ACT ON future threats what other tools are there? He only responds to the RIGHT NOW. Only spankings are RIGHT NOW. There is nothing I can take away from him in the moment he is acting up. If I did he wouldn’t care anyway 5 minutes later. His school seems to think he is allowed to be a diva and do whatever he wants at home and I keep exasperatedly telling them it’s not so. I don’t think any child has a parent that is right on top of correcting bad behaviors as much as I am and yet he only gets worse. And the fact that there’s this anti spanking wave in parenting right now means I’ll always be the bad guy in the eyes of people with children who can comprehend regular punishments and talking through problems. My child will not talk through problems, I’ve tried. I want to be the mom with sticker charts and rewards but it’s like he’s missing the part of his brain that responds to any of that. I explain things until I’m blue in the face with him. He says he gets it but then just backslides right into doing the bad behaviors again or asking if he can have whatever thing he had taken away, acting like he completely forgot why he was being punished. My friend with ADHD (and as a result, children with ADHD) seems to think he may have it too. It wouldn’t surprise me. And while I am not crazy about medicating, I’m also not crazy about having a hurricane of a child living in my house that has no rhyme or reason to his actions and makes me dread parenting. We will see what unfolds over the school year.

In other home life, I am strangely at peace. It is so alien to me to be feeling happy and comfortable at this level that I legitimately have nightmares about it ending. My husband has been….a good husband? Like a normal good husband? Because he hasn’t been one for so long just being a GOOD HUSBAND is new and strange to me. He is stepping up more, not arguing with me, and trying to be a good dad. Dare I say it, even anticipating MY needs. He used to be such a wet blanket about everything but he’s actually acting happy and fun. He seems deeply in love with me in a way I haven’t felt in a long time. And being so comfortable lately I feel the same way. I love and treasure this man. I don’t know what has changed, maybe he was depressed and now he’s not? Because it came on so unpredictably I feel like it will leave just as quickly. I really hope not. He is working on the house still but everything but the basement is basically done. And he recently did a clean up so even the basement is not causing me the same level of anxiety is once was. I feel like it can’t last, but hope it does. It is doing so much for my mental state. Do people get to feel this way all the time? Lucky bastards. I love my husband, I love my house, I have my 2 kids I always wanted so I don’t have to fret about that phase of my life anymore,….I’m so at peace ya’ll.

8 Months

I disappeared for a few months because it felt like nothing new or revolutionary was happening. Now my little dude is 8 months old. Comparing with my first I thought this one would have leap frogged his accomplishments since he started rolling and popping up to his knees earlier but nope! He started knee popping like 2 months ago and hasn’t mastered crawling! I don’t get it. He rocks back and forth on his knees, and pops up into a downward dog pose a lot but still no hand over hand proper crawling. He kind of worms his way forward, but even then he’s not terribly interested in it. He did recently start lifting his arm and letting his weight rest on just the one arm but no forward movement. He usually tips over. By the 8th month update with my first he had begun pulling to stand. This baby has reached out for things on his belly like he wants to pull up but doesn’t or can’t. He spends most of his day chilling on his belly, grabbing for toys or rocking on his knees. Maybe he’ll never crawl. He does sit well unsupported though. He seemed to get that out of nowhere after resisting it or wobbling constantly. He doesn’t prefer sitting though. He just started (like a few days ago) getting good at sort of going from crawl to sit. He just did his first perfect crawl to sit this morning.

He’s still a super happy baby. He smiles at everything and makes a noise like he’s vocalizing his happiness. He seems chubby and long but he isn’t according to growth charts. He is probably bigger then P was at this age though. He eats 2 solids meals a day. Usually oatmeal cereal with some fruit puree or avocado mixed in, and a pouch for dinner. He loves eating, and is getting better with self feeding. I’m still a little scared to start table food though. I usually give him a little taste of mine squished up but I’m not sure how well he’s actually mashing it.

He is down to 2 naps a day, and sometimes that first nap last 2 hours. I’m wondering if this is a phase or not. He has been having trouble getting down to bed at night even if it has been 3 hours since his last nap. We’re in that phase where the second nap is probably too close to bed time but he can’t do without it so bed time will be crap until he drops the second nap. But this dude seems so sleepy all the time so I’m not sure how quickly that second nap will drop.

P starts Kindergarten in the fall and I’m looking forward to getting him out of my hair all day. He’s honestly so difficult and relentless. It’s like living with a feral animal. No matter how much structure I give him and discipline it’s like his brain is incapable of processing it and he just does whatever impulsive thing pops into his head. Does he have ADHD? Probably. We’ll see what happens with that when he starts school. Maybe he’ll be a model pupil.

I’m pretty happy in the rest of my life. My house is being worked on, it doesn’t make me angry all the time, just the basement. I know that will be done eventually. I can see myself living here while the kids are completing school and being ok with it. It’s starting to turn into a house I’m proud of for once. I wish we had less debt and more money though but that’s probably the same for everyone. I still don’t have a job but I have been KILLING IT on etsy and am so close to achieving a goal I set out for myself at the beginning of this year. I’m hoping I can continue growing it into something real and maybe not need a job, but I think I’d still like to work outside the home again some day. I just don’t know how people do it with kids. I don’t have a 5 year plan but it’s crazy for me to think in 5 years I might have 2 kids in school. Though with H’s birthday he won’t be going until he’s closer to 6. That’ll be interesting. One who starts early and one who starts late.


5 Months

My dude turned 5 months 10 days ago. It’s crazy how I still feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I mean we can start solids next month and I don’t feel ready or remember how to best approach it at all. I’m the one who isn’t ready!

He is reaching and grabbing well. A bit clumsy but I know his movements will smooth out soon. Just this morning he rolled back to tummy all on his own. He has been very close for weeks now, usually doing it with a little help or getting almost all the way and then rolling back to his back. He stopped rolling tummy to back for a while but has recently begun doing that more too. Once he perfects his back to tummy he will gain the ability to move via rolling.

At his 4 month check on Valentines day he was 14lbs 3oz and 25 inches long. Home measurements from this week put him close to 16lbs and 25.75 inches, which means he’s probably more like 15.5lbs at the doctor. I assume that’s what he will weigh at his 6 month check next month.

He has not gotten any better nursing and continues to cry and fight feeds. I don’t understand why my babies do this. He nurses fine through a letdown then cries a red faced cry. Even if I take him off and sit him up he continues freaking out. Like dude, what do you want from me? To starve to death? Shut up and eat, or just comfort nurse. Of course, this leads to a drop in supply, which further angers him. Babies make no freaking sense I tell you.

He vocalizes well. He focuses on my face and seems like he’s trying to talk at me with his noises. Mostly screeches and sing songy ohhhs and hums. I’m starting to here some M sounds in there but not much else.

He can’t sit unassisted, and still wobbles quite a bit even with assistance. He crunches himself trying to pull up into a sit if he’s reclined, so he WANTS to sit, but can’t. I would love for him to sit unassisted for at least 5 seconds consistently in a month. He is getting better at a tripod sit though.

Still sleeping fairly well at night. He isn’t as consistent as my first son. The first almost never woke up over night for a feed once he started going all night. This one still occasionally wakes up at like 5am wanting a feed, though it’s rare.

He still likes to nap every 2-2.5 hours or so for about 30 minutes, so he gets a feed every 2.5-3 hours usually. Nursing lasts maaaaybe 5 minutes a side before he starts crying and fighting. I consider a good feed 10 minutes a side to try and coax a second let down but that doesn’t consistently happen.

He has been pretty good in public lately, looking around at the world must be very fascinating to him. At home he has his good and bad day. I can’t wait for the nonsense crying phase to be over. Like when you know they aren’t tired or hungry and they just want to whine about nothing.

Guess by next post he will have tried some solids and maybe be sitting better, we’ll see!


My 2nd baby is already 3.5 months old! It’s fun to come back here and look at my monthly updates for the last baby. I’m going to try my best to document this one month by month as well. It’s crazy just how much they have in common. Around the 11 or 12 week mark H finally started sleeping all night without a feed. Week 10 was hard, he was having a hard time going down at bed time and was waking up constantly. Then miraculously he came out of it sleeping perfectly.

He rolled for the first time about a month ago, and will still do it. This baby has had much better head control from the get go. He holds it 90 degrees on his tummy and has for quite a while. He also never really balked at tummy time unless you leave him a while. He has run into the same issues breastfeeding his big brother did though. It’s funny how around 3 months they all start to fight the breast for seemingly no reason. It was a common theme on my birth month group. Most days he’s cool about it but sometimes he just want to cry and fight it. He calms down and eats after a bit though.

He is currently napping every 2 hours or so and naps far easier then my first child. As soon as he rubs his eyes I know it’s go time. That last nap of the day though can be a little tricky and sometimes all I can get him to do is rest and the breast. In the afternoons while big brother is in pre school I will try and get him to nap on his own, but he usually naps side laying nursing, and sometimes I can slide off and leave him asleep in my bed. We’re doing an EASY routine again, and I don’t have any complaints. He is currently in size 2 diapers, 3-6month clothes, and at last weigh in maybe a week ago he was 13lbs 10oz, and took in 5oz, bringing him close to 14lbs on a full belly.

My milk supply seems far better this time around. My milk took a while to come in but it has been surpassing the oz and hour that I had with my first. Once the baby started sleeping all night I started pumping before bed and then pumping off the leftovers from my morning engorgement. I get about 3oz in the morning after a feed and 5 or 6oz at night, 2 of which I put aside to feed before bed. Just to make sure he is full before he sleeps all night. According to this blog and some of my old posts elsewhere, my milk started declining and going to shit by this point. So much so that I got my period back around month 5. I’m really hoping I can maintain this abundance. At least until his milk needs start declining in month 6.

On the milestone front, he tracks items with his head pretty well, smiles constantly, and has begun giggling. Just today he started being more grabby with his hands. If I put something on his tummy he with move his hands over it and try to clutch it. He does not move the item to his mouth and does not reach yet. I hope in the next month these are milestones he will meet.

The 4 year old is still in preschool, and has good and bad days. He has begun writing his name, putting on socks, and buttoning buttons. He still mostly complains that he can’t do any of these things and refuses to try. He is incredibly stubborn and loves arguing. I’m so tired of him saying he can’t do something that he CAN do or refusing to try or engaging properly. I have been trying to walk him through putting his shoes on, which have a single velcro flap and are no difficult. He whines and tries with 1 hand and doesn’t focus on the task at all, even when I am TELLING him USE 2 HANDS and hold the shoe still. He also can’t keep clean while eating. He still gets food all over the table, his face, his clothes, and hands. It’s gross. He can use a fork but won’t stop putting his hands in his food or flinging sauce all over. It’s hard for me at this point to tell if some of the things he does are because he is 4 or because he has a legitimate mental issue. He continues having obsessive behavior such as hair twirling, scrunching up his face, humming, not being able to control his voice volume, and other random tics that come and go. It’s sad when his teacher tells me all the other kids did something and my son refused to, and then argued with her and yelled, disrupting the class. I’m sorry but I don’t take any shit from my child. He is disciplined and I don’t let him “get away” with anything, yet he still acts like a gremlin with no self or impulse control.

I can’t even blame the “but he’s really smart and just bored” thing a lot of parents fall back on. Yes my child is smart, he knows his alphabet, he talks like an adult, understands somewhat complicated processes, and can remember things that happened last year. But he struggles with fine motor tasks, self care, and emotional maturity. He is the epitome of the dog distracted by the squirrel. Keeping him on task and FOCUSED is a full time job. Honestly I find caring for the baby much easier then the preschooler. I really, really hope the baby grows up into better version of his brother or his big brother grows out of this nonsense because the though of 2 big kids whining all day about how they CAN’T put their shoes or coat on is going to make me go insane.

So this is what they meant

Second child turned 2 months old last week. Time is really flying by this time around. It’s crazy how my feelings towards the newborn stage the first time around were so bad it put me off having a second child for so long and here I am, dare I say, enjoying it. When people say they fell in love with their babies instantly I could never relate. It took me a long time to come around to my first child because I was also learning how to “mom” in the first place. This time around that anxiety is mostly gone and I’m free to just go with the flow. I’m really enjoying how easy things are with a baby vs a super crazy 4 year old. Just the fact that they stay where you put them is refreshing. No sass! No arguing! No pleading with them to finish dinner! Man, babies are great, it’s toddlers that suck.

So baby 2 is sleeping from 8:30 to anywhere from 2:30-4:30 am before waking for a feed, then usually sleeps 2-3 hours, then 1-2 hours. I have my evening me time back and it’s lovely. We’re still trying to get on some sort of day schedule though, and we’re not there. I try to push hard for an afternoon nap when my first son is in preschool and so far it’s going well. I figure the other naps will fall into place. That’s mainly where my anxiety lies, that I’ve completely forgotten how to parent the under 1 stage. I can’t remember how to schedule day naps, can’t remember how to schedule at all really. He’s a champion eater though. I can’t remember how often son 1 was feeding at this stage but this one can rarely make it to 2 hours before wanting to eat again. I’m feeding on demand this time vs trying to hold to any sort of timed feedings. This baby is thriving on on demand feeds. Son 1 was 12lbs at 3 months, this one was 11lbs 13oz at his 2 month appointment. He is growing much faster, as he should for how much he wants to eat. He smiles like crazy too and can roll over from tummy to back if I put him on his forearms. Also a month earlier than his big brother. Another month and he will definitely be too big for his 0-3 month onesies, so right on queue. It’s so odd having a “normal” size baby after struggling and worrying over the size of my first son. I can only hope breastfeeding continues to go well for us. Right now my supply is high and my nipples never split.

My 4 year old is crazy. His vocabulary and memory are pretty close to “adult” for lack of a better descriptor. I can hold a conversation with him and he understands what I mean 95% of the time. He can tell me about things that happened last year. His main issue is he doesn’t listen and has a short fuse. He’s very loud and gets very angry when you tell him he can’t do something. I struggle with him on a daily basis because he seems to thrive on negative attention. He’s so desperate for any attention at all that he acts up. There is no such thing as quietly playing alone with this one. He will not leave me alone and is up my ass all day. He is also bad at school sometimes and I worry he will not be ready for kindergarten next year and I will need to redshirt him. His academics are ready for the most part though. His main issue is fine motor skills like writing, but other than that he is extremely bright. He will be redshirted if he can’t get his emotions and temper under control. His preschool teacher has an assistant and only 12 kids at a time, she can handle working one on one with kids who act up. Kindergarten teachers can not, and I don’t want him to get labeled or fall behind. Summer birthday kids are so tough and I’m glad I won’t have to worry about it with son 2.

New Horizon

I’ve been in hiding. I’ve been pregnant since February with our second son and just gave birth on the 8th at 11:36pm. He was 7lbs 12.5oz and 20.5 inches long. 37+1 weeks gestation. I’m not sure why I didn’t feel like writing about it. Maybe because this blog encapsulates everything about my first son and this is a new journey. It could also be that this child was technically a natural conception. He was a cup and syringe method success story, it worked our second month.

I had bad morning sickness that was only cured by home made Diclegis. B6 and Unisom ladies, it’s amazing. I carried all out front and got lots of random comments about being due any time for the last few months. I was super sore and got winded easily. I’d say a fairly normal second pregnancy, not as easy as the first, but I was still walking around and shopping the night before. Even baked some muffins.

Labor had a similar trajectory to my first son. Water broke in bed, though not as streaming as the first time. I felt odd tickles around 6am but because I didn’t feel a flow I figured maybe I was losing my mucus plug or something. When I finally got up to pee 2 hours later I was trickling on the toilet. I had a much larger gush around 10 walking up the stairs, then back to small trickles. No contractions, same as last labor. I was GBS positive so I couldn’t hang out at home all day. My mom came over to watch our first son and we got to the hospital around 2. Triage confirmed I was broken and I was admitted. I got a tub room this time and it was awesome. Probably the nicest birthing suite at the hospital. Since there were still no contractions at all they placed a foley bulb and I bounced on a birthing ball until it shot out when a nurse tugged the string. I had been having mild contractions at this point. They ramped them up with pitocin and I opted to get in the bath. The monitors weren’t working well from the tub, plus I was getting too hot and the contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and too strong to talk through. I stayed in the tub maybe an hour.

I got out and opted for the epidural. It didn’t work right away and I kept getting dosed up until my entire lower half was dead to the world. That freaked me out, I figured I wouldn’t be able to push because I couldn’t feel anything. I was checked and was 9cm, then 10cm not long after. I trial pushed for the residents and nurses, who determined I was pushing effectively enough to call in my doctor. He arrived drenched in rain and took control of the room. Apparently my Dr. is very well liked by the staff, as I had heard from the nurses on more than one occasion. I pushed for around 30 minutes when the Dr. asked if I wanted to pull him out. I overrode my initial thought, which was no, and reached down to grab him out. I had a minor tear and one large hemorrhoid.

When they went to move me to the mother baby suite my legs were still not working effectively. One nurse tried to move me and I ended up melting onto the floor. 2 Nurses got me back into bed and came back later to try again. At that point I could lock one knee and was able to be swung into a wheel chair. 2 more nurses wheeled me up to my suite and struggled to help me into bed. I felt bad but I was really that numb! At least I’m not overweight, there’s no way the could have moved me if I was. By 6am I was able to walk to the bathroom.

Recovery wasn’t as bad as last time. The hem was there but didn’t hurt as much. My tailbone felt sore and the hospital bed was uncomfortable. I tried to move around as much as possible to keep from getting stiff. I went home Tuesday evening and had an overwhelmed cry. I was finding myself in the same mental state as my first time with a newborn and was really panicking.

For whatever reason that was the last time I felt that way. I’m feeling really confident right now and actually enjoying the potato stage. Trying not to dread about the future, which is going to be just fine. I got through it fine with 1 kid, I’m not sure why I’d fail the second time around. I’m hoping it isn’t just an oxytocin high or something and I’ll crash later. I’m liking the way I feel at the moment, and I’m scared it won’t last.

As for the baby, he doesn’t do much. He isn’t awake very often, just wakes to nurse and goes back to sleep. He’s 10 days old, so I’m assuming this pattern will change. He’s up every 1.5-2 hours at night to nurse but at least he usually lets me nurse him then put him back down. So I’m getting sleep, it’s just very fractured. Somehow it has been enough. He sleeps longer stretches during the day which makes me grumble. I’m hoping the day night stuff will flip and he awakens more in the day and sleeps at night longer. I can only hope!

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