85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

5 Months

My dude turned 5 months 10 days ago. It’s crazy how I still feel like I don’t know what I’m doing. I mean we can start solids next month and I don’t feel ready or remember how to best approach it at all. I’m the one who isn’t ready!

He is reaching and grabbing well. A bit clumsy but I know his movements will smooth out soon. Just this morning he rolled back to tummy all on his own. He has been very close for weeks now, usually doing it with a little help or getting almost all the way and then rolling back to his back. He stopped rolling tummy to back for a while but has recently begun doing that more too. Once he perfects his back to tummy he will gain the ability to move via rolling.

At his 4 month check on Valentines day he was 14lbs 3oz and 25 inches long. Home measurements from this week put him close to 16lbs and 25.75 inches, which means he’s probably more like 15.5lbs at the doctor. I assume that’s what he will weigh at his 6 month check next month.

He has not gotten any better nursing and continues to cry and fight feeds. I don’t understand why my babies do this. He nurses fine through a letdown then cries a red faced cry. Even if I take him off and sit him up he continues freaking out. Like dude, what do you want from me? To starve to death? Shut up and eat, or just comfort nurse. Of course, this leads to a drop in supply, which further angers him. Babies make no freaking sense I tell you.

He vocalizes well. He focuses on my face and seems like he’s trying to talk at me with his noises. Mostly screeches and sing songy ohhhs and hums. I’m starting to here some M sounds in there but not much else.

He can’t sit unassisted, and still wobbles quite a bit even with assistance. He crunches himself trying to pull up into a sit if he’s reclined, so he WANTS to sit, but can’t. I would love for him to sit unassisted for at least 5 seconds consistently in a month. He is getting better at a tripod sit though.

Still sleeping fairly well at night. He isn’t as consistent as my first son. The first almost never woke up over night for a feed once he started going all night. This one still occasionally wakes up at like 5am wanting a feed, though it’s rare.

He still likes to nap every 2-2.5 hours or so for about 30 minutes, so he gets a feed every 2.5-3 hours usually. Nursing lasts maaaaybe 5 minutes a side before he starts crying and fighting. I consider a good feed 10 minutes a side to try and coax a second let down but that doesn’t consistently happen.

He has been pretty good in public lately, looking around at the world must be very fascinating to him. At home he has his good and bad day. I can’t wait for the nonsense crying phase to be over. Like when you know they aren’t tired or hungry and they just want to whine about nothing.

Guess by next post he will have tried some solids and maybe be sitting better, we’ll see!



My 2nd baby is already 3.5 months old! It’s fun to come back here and look at my monthly updates for the last baby. I’m going to try my best to document this one month by month as well. It’s crazy just how much they have in common. Around the 11 or 12 week mark H finally started sleeping all night without a feed. Week 10 was hard, he was having a hard time going down at bed time and was waking up constantly. Then miraculously he came out of it sleeping perfectly.

He rolled for the first time about a month ago, and will still do it. This baby has had much better head control from the get go. He holds it 90 degrees on his tummy and has for quite a while. He also never really balked at tummy time unless you leave him a while. He has run into the same issues breastfeeding his big brother did though. It’s funny how around 3 months they all start to fight the breast for seemingly no reason. It was a common theme on my birth month group. Most days he’s cool about it but sometimes he just want to cry and fight it. He calms down and eats after a bit though.

He is currently napping every 2 hours or so and naps far easier then my first child. As soon as he rubs his eyes I know it’s go time. That last nap of the day though can be a little tricky and sometimes all I can get him to do is rest and the breast. In the afternoons while big brother is in pre school I will try and get him to nap on his own, but he usually naps side laying nursing, and sometimes I can slide off and leave him asleep in my bed. We’re doing an EASY routine again, and I don’t have any complaints. He is currently in size 2 diapers, 3-6month clothes, and at last weigh in maybe a week ago he was 13lbs 10oz, and took in 5oz, bringing him close to 14lbs on a full belly.

My milk supply seems far better this time around. My milk took a while to come in but it has been surpassing the oz and hour that I had with my first. Once the baby started sleeping all night I started pumping before bed and then pumping off the leftovers from my morning engorgement. I get about 3oz in the morning after a feed and 5 or 6oz at night, 2 of which I put aside to feed before bed. Just to make sure he is full before he sleeps all night. According to this blog and some of my old posts elsewhere, my milk started declining and going to shit by this point. So much so that I got my period back around month 5. I’m really hoping I can maintain this abundance. At least until his milk needs start declining in month 6.

On the milestone front, he tracks items with his head pretty well, smiles constantly, and has begun giggling. Just today he started being more grabby with his hands. If I put something on his tummy he with move his hands over it and try to clutch it. He does not move the item to his mouth and does not reach yet. I hope in the next month these are milestones he will meet.

The 4 year old is still in preschool, and has good and bad days. He has begun writing his name, putting on socks, and buttoning buttons. He still mostly complains that he can’t do any of these things and refuses to try. He is incredibly stubborn and loves arguing. I’m so tired of him saying he can’t do something that he CAN do or refusing to try or engaging properly. I have been trying to walk him through putting his shoes on, which have a single velcro flap and are no difficult. He whines and tries with 1 hand and doesn’t focus on the task at all, even when I am TELLING him USE 2 HANDS and hold the shoe still. He also can’t keep clean while eating. He still gets food all over the table, his face, his clothes, and hands. It’s gross. He can use a fork but won’t stop putting his hands in his food or flinging sauce all over. It’s hard for me at this point to tell if some of the things he does are because he is 4 or because he has a legitimate mental issue. He continues having obsessive behavior such as hair twirling, scrunching up his face, humming, not being able to control his voice volume, and other random tics that come and go. It’s sad when his teacher tells me all the other kids did something and my son refused to, and then argued with her and yelled, disrupting the class. I’m sorry but I don’t take any shit from my child. He is disciplined and I don’t let him “get away” with anything, yet he still acts like a gremlin with no self or impulse control.

I can’t even blame the “but he’s really smart and just bored” thing a lot of parents fall back on. Yes my child is smart, he knows his alphabet, he talks like an adult, understands somewhat complicated processes, and can remember things that happened last year. But he struggles with fine motor tasks, self care, and emotional maturity. He is the epitome of the dog distracted by the squirrel. Keeping him on task and FOCUSED is a full time job. Honestly I find caring for the baby much easier then the preschooler. I really, really hope the baby grows up into better version of his brother or his big brother grows out of this nonsense because the though of 2 big kids whining all day about how they CAN’T put their shoes or coat on is going to make me go insane.

So this is what they meant

Second child turned 2 months old last week. Time is really flying by this time around. It’s crazy how my feelings towards the newborn stage the first time around were so bad it put me off having a second child for so long and here I am, dare I say, enjoying it. When people say they fell in love with their babies instantly I could never relate. It took me a long time to come around to my first child because I was also learning how to “mom” in the first place. This time around that anxiety is mostly gone and I’m free to just go with the flow. I’m really enjoying how easy things are with a baby vs a super crazy 4 year old. Just the fact that they stay where you put them is refreshing. No sass! No arguing! No pleading with them to finish dinner! Man, babies are great, it’s toddlers that suck.

So baby 2 is sleeping from 8:30 to anywhere from 2:30-4:30 am before waking for a feed, then usually sleeps 2-3 hours, then 1-2 hours. I have my evening me time back and it’s lovely. We’re still trying to get on some sort of day schedule though, and we’re not there. I try to push hard for an afternoon nap when my first son is in preschool and so far it’s going well. I figure the other naps will fall into place. That’s mainly where my anxiety lies, that I’ve completely forgotten how to parent the under 1 stage. I can’t remember how to schedule day naps, can’t remember how to schedule at all really. He’s a champion eater though. I can’t remember how often son 1 was feeding at this stage but this one can rarely make it to 2 hours before wanting to eat again. I’m feeding on demand this time vs trying to hold to any sort of timed feedings. This baby is thriving on on demand feeds. Son 1 was 12lbs at 3 months, this one was 11lbs 13oz at his 2 month appointment. He is growing much faster, as he should for how much he wants to eat. He smiles like crazy too and can roll over from tummy to back if I put him on his forearms. Also a month earlier than his big brother. Another month and he will definitely be too big for his 0-3 month onesies, so right on queue. It’s so odd having a “normal” size baby after struggling and worrying over the size of my first son. I can only hope breastfeeding continues to go well for us. Right now my supply is high and my nipples never split.

My 4 year old is crazy. His vocabulary and memory are pretty close to “adult” for lack of a better descriptor. I can hold a conversation with him and he understands what I mean 95% of the time. He can tell me about things that happened last year. His main issue is he doesn’t listen and has a short fuse. He’s very loud and gets very angry when you tell him he can’t do something. I struggle with him on a daily basis because he seems to thrive on negative attention. He’s so desperate for any attention at all that he acts up. There is no such thing as quietly playing alone with this one. He will not leave me alone and is up my ass all day. He is also bad at school sometimes and I worry he will not be ready for kindergarten next year and I will need to redshirt him. His academics are ready for the most part though. His main issue is fine motor skills like writing, but other than that he is extremely bright. He will be redshirted if he can’t get his emotions and temper under control. His preschool teacher has an assistant and only 12 kids at a time, she can handle working one on one with kids who act up. Kindergarten teachers can not, and I don’t want him to get labeled or fall behind. Summer birthday kids are so tough and I’m glad I won’t have to worry about it with son 2.

New Horizon

I’ve been in hiding. I’ve been pregnant since February with our second son and just gave birth on the 8th at 11:36pm. He was 7lbs 12.5oz and 20.5 inches long. 37+1 weeks gestation. I’m not sure why I didn’t feel like writing about it. Maybe because this blog encapsulates everything about my first son and this is a new journey. It could also be that this child was technically a natural conception. He was a cup and syringe method success story, it worked our second month.

I had bad morning sickness that was only cured by home made Diclegis. B6 and Unisom ladies, it’s amazing. I carried all out front and got lots of random comments about being due any time for the last few months. I was super sore and got winded easily. I’d say a fairly normal second pregnancy, not as easy as the first, but I was still walking around and shopping the night before. Even baked some muffins.

Labor had a similar trajectory to my first son. Water broke in bed, though not as streaming as the first time. I felt odd tickles around 6am but because I didn’t feel a flow I figured maybe I was losing my mucus plug or something. When I finally got up to pee 2 hours later I was trickling on the toilet. I had a much larger gush around 10 walking up the stairs, then back to small trickles. No contractions, same as last labor. I was GBS positive so I couldn’t hang out at home all day. My mom came over to watch our first son and we got to the hospital around 2. Triage confirmed I was broken and I was admitted. I got a tub room this time and it was awesome. Probably the nicest birthing suite at the hospital. Since there were still no contractions at all they placed a foley bulb and I bounced on a birthing ball until it shot out when a nurse tugged the string. I had been having mild contractions at this point. They ramped them up with pitocin and I opted to get in the bath. The monitors weren’t working well from the tub, plus I was getting too hot and the contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and too strong to talk through. I stayed in the tub maybe an hour.

I got out and opted for the epidural. It didn’t work right away and I kept getting dosed up until my entire lower half was dead to the world. That freaked me out, I figured I wouldn’t be able to push because I couldn’t feel anything. I was checked and was 9cm, then 10cm not long after. I trial pushed for the residents and nurses, who determined I was pushing effectively enough to call in my doctor. He arrived drenched in rain and took control of the room. Apparently my Dr. is very well liked by the staff, as I had heard from the nurses on more than one occasion. I pushed for around 30 minutes when the Dr. asked if I wanted to pull him out. I overrode my initial thought, which was no, and reached down to grab him out. I had a minor tear and one large hemorrhoid.

When they went to move me to the mother baby suite my legs were still not working effectively. One nurse tried to move me and I ended up melting onto the floor. 2 Nurses got me back into bed and came back later to try again. At that point I could lock one knee and was able to be swung into a wheel chair. 2 more nurses wheeled me up to my suite and struggled to help me into bed. I felt bad but I was really that numb! At least I’m not overweight, there’s no way the could have moved me if I was. By 6am I was able to walk to the bathroom.

Recovery wasn’t as bad as last time. The hem was there but didn’t hurt as much. My tailbone felt sore and the hospital bed was uncomfortable. I tried to move around as much as possible to keep from getting stiff. I went home Tuesday evening and had an overwhelmed cry. I was finding myself in the same mental state as my first time with a newborn and was really panicking.

For whatever reason that was the last time I felt that way. I’m feeling really confident right now and actually enjoying the potato stage. Trying not to dread about the future, which is going to be just fine. I got through it fine with 1 kid, I’m not sure why I’d fail the second time around. I’m hoping it isn’t just an oxytocin high or something and I’ll crash later. I’m liking the way I feel at the moment, and I’m scared it won’t last.

As for the baby, he doesn’t do much. He isn’t awake very often, just wakes to nurse and goes back to sleep. He’s 10 days old, so I’m assuming this pattern will change. He’s up every 1.5-2 hours at night to nurse but at least he usually lets me nurse him then put him back down. So I’m getting sleep, it’s just very fractured. Somehow it has been enough. He sleeps longer stretches during the day which makes me grumble. I’m hoping the day night stuff will flip and he awakens more in the day and sleeps at night longer. I can only hope!

Totally Tres

3 Years old! I can’t believe I started this blog to keep track of my infertility progress 4 years ago!

So anyway, on to the update. We have since moved out of my mom’s and are living in the new house. I am still getting anxiety over it in similar ways to our original house 2 years ago. The basement is a total pig stye and unfinished and I hate going down there to do laundry. I’m impatient and I know this is going to take my husband forever to finish so that it’s acceptable to show off. The garage is also a complete mess with construction debris. I wish my husband could organize his shit and not be so messy. My life, and by extension his, would be a lot less stressful. At least the kitchen is almost done (trim and backsplash needed) so it’s not has half assed as it was at the last house. I don’t think I can ever be happy in my home unless we purchase one that NEEDS NO  WORK. I want that feeling before I die, to buy a house and just move your shit in and not live in a constant construction zone for 5 years.

Our son is doing well. He has gotten better with speech and you can actually hold a proto conversation with him. He can say phrases like “my mouth tastes bad” (he’s sick so it’s the mucus), “I’m so so so hungry”, “pick up me”, and “Can’t play outside, a storm coming”. So the grammar isn’t there, and he isn’t always easy to understand, but his vocabulary is wide and he can communicate his needs very well.

He also started preschool last week and is apparently being a good student. I wanted him to socialize and work on his fine motor skills mainly. He is potty trained and only wears a diaper at night. He can not do his own pants most of the time though. Getting dressed is very frustrating to him and I hope by the next update he can dress himself. He likes asking “what’s that noise” and I feel the “why” phase is right around the corner. He loves doing puzzles at the moment but his interests are fleeting. He still mostly makes a mess of all his toys and refuses to play with them the “correct” way. Still a messy eater, much better with a fork though. He is absolutely crazy most days and very hard to control and calm down. Very defiant and absent minded. I never thought I’d have to yell at a tiny human to stop trying to carry the fucking kitten 500 times a day. Logic would dictate that maybe someone would get it after 5 times but logic has no place in the toddler brain.

I’m still on the fence about having another child. There are times I really really want it, and then I realize I hate the newborn stage, I can barely handle 1 child who is full of energy and wears me out, and as a SAHM I’m pretty broke and can’t afford another. And by afford I mean the likely IVF and birth costs. Who knows what will happen with that, I still have time to decide. If it turns out I’ve passed my window and can not have anymore, I will come to terms with that. Having one child wouldn’t be so bad.

Oh boy, what has it been, 6 months since my last post? So, so much has changed. Last post we were in North Carolina celebrating Park man’s second birthday. We were considering staying there another couple of years for my husband to finish his masters since the company buyout never happened. Towards the end of our lease my husband began looking for jobs back home and was surprised to land a job he had been turned down for in the past. A job that pays more money and is a position that rarely goes to younger workers. He was so excited to land this job that we packed up and went back home. Can anyone say they’re surprised?

While still in NC we began the buying process on a house back home (that my husband drove up to see) that we both liked. It needs far less work than our last house and has a ton of potential. We have been living with my mom since the beginning of November. We closed on the house at the end of December and shortly after my husband moved in to begin working on it full time. It will probably be 3-6 months before it is ready for my son and I to move in. That’s where we are now, staying with my mom while my husband works on our new house about 50 minutes away (near where we used to live).

Back to my son! So last time I blogged we were in the beginning stages of getting speech therapy. After we got in contact with the right people it took about 2 weeks until he had his “evaluation”. They way they do it is that it is  a general evaluation and not just a speech evaluation. The evaluators didn’t see a big need for therapy, but did concede he was on the fence and they could recommend he go to the next step, which is a speech evaluation. He was evaluated again and determined again that he was on the fence and if I wanted to continue with the therapy they would say he needs it. So I said yes, of course. He was seen a total of 3 times before we moved and the entire process from start to therapy was 6 weeks. They were supposed to email me any info they could find about local programs here but didn’t, nor have I ever gotten a bill despite giving both my case worker and the therapist my new address. I have decided not to continue with therapy. The therapy can be summed up as a woman coming to your home and using items and pictures to try to coax words out of your kid, as well as giving you suggestions on things to work on. In my case it was going to cost 30 dollars per half hour session, which he got once a week. Later in the day of his first session he spontaneously began using 2 word phrases. I don’t think the therapy had anything to do with it. Out of nowhere as I was taking my son to go somewhere he said “bye rawr” to one of his dino toys. Ever since then he started using 2 word phrases including “more ____” and “bye bye ______”. Now that we are with my mom he has picked up words for just about everything and uses 2 word, and sometimes 3 word phrases. His main issue is still articulation, he is not always easy to understand, but he is getting better. I think he’s just a late bloomer with speech. My friend whos son is 10 days older than mine is actually speaking less than my son. I guess I stressed for nothing.

What else is he up to? Well he can go up and down stairs vertically (though I don’t trust him to, he is still incredibly clumsy). He is home potty trained with just pants on (no diaper and no underpants). He has trouble pulling his pants up, and as such he usually just takes them all the way off to sit on his little potty. I have seen him leave them around his ankles then pull them up when done a few times but he has trouble pulling them over his butt. I’d like to work on using a potty seat when we get to our own house. He still refuses to use a fork most of the time, but uses a spoon for applesauce and yogurt type foods. I wish he would eat a little more neat for his age. He is super rambunctious and it drains me to contain him all day. It’s 10x worse at my mom’s house because there is so little baby proofing. All he wants to do all day is go up and down the stairs by himself, bother the cat, throw toys, demand you play with him by piling toys on you (or in the case of me sitting here typing, crashing a truck into my thigh over and over), coloring and “painting” the fridge, and watch TV. Omg he will not shut up about “Puppy Show”, aka Paw Patrol. He has become obsessed with this show over the past 2 months. I don’t like it because it’s not educational but such is toddler life. He’s also obsessed with choo choos and begs grandma to “google trains” on her tablet. He got a train table for Christmas (it’s at our new house) and he will play with it the entire time we’re there. He’s a very typical toddler boy that’s for sure!

I can’t wait until we move into our new house. Living with my mom has its perks but I’m kind of ready to get back to my own life and my own routines. I don’t think I’m going to have the same anxiety and crazies about this house as the old one. The old one was a nightmare, this one is really nice and much newer. My husband has only been gone 3 days but I already miss him. Our marriage has been pretty good, no real issues. Here’s hoping 2016 will be the best year yet.

The Not-So-Terrible Twos

It’s my son’s second birthday! Every 6 months he seems to grow up a little more, though once you get to 2 it seems to be more polishing of skills that have already been learned.

Biggest issue is that he still jargons a LOT, but compared to 18 months he jargons much more. All day long I hear jibber jabering. He wants to communicate so badly, but English still escapes him. That’s not to say he hasn’t learned new words. From 18 to 24 months he gained many more words and expressions, though they are mostly hard to decipher. All done is “ah duh”, he has stopped saying kitty as kee and now just points to cats and makes a meow sound, banana is neeea, shoes are dooz, etc. Bye bye is very clear, as is hi. He tells me when something is tasty (tay-te), and when he has pooped in a diaper (eeeew, tinky). I still feel like he is a little behind with his language, though I can guarantee his doctor will brush it off because he tries to say something when I ask him “say ____” and is acquiring some new words. I still feel like he could benefit from a few days a week of help. I’ll try to convince them at his appointment tomorrow. He’s also on the short side which scares me. He’s completely average for weight at 27lbs but I believe he is only 33ish inches, which is very very short for his age. I hope he grows some more, I’d hate for him to be the short kid.

His receptive language is excellent. He knows where his belly, feet, ears, eyes, nose, hair, head, and butt are, he will fetch something you ask for, and he even understands using the potty. Especially in the last month or so he has really gotten a hold on “holding” it. He started out around 18 months with having an interest in going on the potty, and I’d let him run free without a diaper. Sometimes he’d seek it out and sit on it, other times he would just pee wherever he was sitting. He will almost always go if I ask him to sit and try peeing. If he has to poop he has pooped on it as well. Lately though he will hold it and seek it out on his own, or hold it until I suggest he try peeing. I’m really going to push for him to be potty trained by 2.5.

He’s still a glutton with food, and luckily not that picky either. There have been several times that I slipped him something new and he just ate it without question. I’m really hoping I can keep this up. I remember being scared when he went to table food because I like the prepacked convenience of healthy jarred meals. I’ve found it’s still easy to have a quick healthy meal for my son. If my husband and I are eating pizza or something I don’t want him to have (yes, I’m that mom), I make him some chicken, rice, and a veggie. I currently have some precooked chicken strips in the freezer, but I’ve also precooked some tenderloins and kept them in the freezer to quickly heat for him. They also make microwaveable cups of rice and cups of veggies that make it really quick to throw something healthy together if he can’t have what we’re eating. He usually gets what we get though. For lunches I still focus on avocados and cheese a lot, either with quinoa or in a quesadilla. He also gets peanut butter or hummus sandwiches. A side of fruit comes with it, either whatever I have fresh or fruit cups drained and rinsed of syrup. Breakfast is yogurt, banana, toast, cheerios, or plum organics fruit bar with milk. Again, all very quick and requiring no preparation yet still being nutritious.

He still doesn’t sit still for much unless the TV is on, which I try to limit. His favorite show is Daniel Tiger, which he asks for by saying “dayyo”. I even made him a Daniel Tiger Birthday Cake, which was my second time ever using fondant. Not to shabby if I do say so myself.

Daniel Tiger Cake

Daniel Tiger cake I made for my son’s second birthday

We also took some photos of him in a big field with a big wooden 2 that I painted in tiger stripes. We also took him to Chuck E Cheese and Toys R Us where he was spoiled rotten. I think he had a pretty bitchin’ birthday.

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