85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Archive for May, 2012

Crampy comeback

Woke up this morning to similar craps I had after ovulation. It was cramps and a heavy feeling then, this time it’s just cramps. It’s especially noticeable when I’m bearing down to pee, yowch! Who knows what that’s about. Hopefully implantation cramps but what with all the drugs I’m on I’m trying to take any bodily tweeks with a grain of salt.

Last night’s OPK finally started to fade. It’s still positive, but on the lighter side. Wonder what tonight’s will show.

Come on already!

I’m getting impatient, the 2 week wait is complete torture for any woman TTC. I’m only 7dpo/8dpt today and I really bristle at the thought of having to wait another week for answers! I’ve been using OPKs since trigger day and the hcg has still not dropped from my system. The lines aren’t even getting fainter, they’re all about the same darkness, and definitely positives. I hear a 10,000 dose will take about 10 days to leave your system, up to 14! If I’m to test on day 14 then wtf? I’m past the half way mark, yet the lines are not fading. I’d assume the tests would follow the LH surge pattern I have where it fades up then fades down. There has been no fade. I’m miffed about that because I have to take a pregnancy test eventually and there’s no way I’m dealing with a false positive because the trigger refuses to GTFO.

I’m on progesterone suppositories, they aren’t bad.  I had a left over applicator from an unused yeast infection suppository and have been using that to insert my pills. Works awesome. I don’t know if it’s coincidence or not but I tend to feel a little sick after inserting one. Other then that I have no symptoms. The first days with the heavy uterus feeling I’ll attribute to the hcg trigger. My boobs don’t hurt, I’m not bloated, nothing! That’s probably not a good sign!

My husband and I have been fairly lovey dovey lately, dreaming of moving to Florida and getting out of our droll life here. We even browsed the baby aisle at Target for shits and giggles. “I hope you know what all these things do because I sure don’t.” I don’t expect him to either, but he will learn. He just wants a Jeep brand stroller. I remarked that I hope I’m pregnant. He said he hopes so too because he’s getting tired of living here. This really needs to happen so we can progress in our lives. It’s like we’re stuck idling at a red light that refuses to turn green. We want a baby. We want to start our family. We want to relocate. None of that is happening and it’s FRUSTRATING beyond belief.

Where are you, little Parker or Elise? We’re waiting, with open arms.


Back to back IUI’s like a champ baby! Post wash count in the 100 millions. I guess they only sort out dead/not moving sperm and don’t do anything to wash out the ones that are deformed. I thought that was standard IUI procedure to only do the best of the best, hence people usually having single digit millions post wash. Odd.

The first one yesterday was performed by male doctor #1 from my ultrasound. He was super quick and didn’t keep me waiting. Male doctor #2 did mine today, and was not as quick. I waited forever in the waiting room, then forever in the exam room. He seemed to be miffed that my doctor was on vacation in Paris. “That doesn’t seem fair to you OR me does it” he said. He had trouble getting the catheter through, which I didn’t feel at all. I guess I just have a beast of a cervix. I realized I was clinching and tried to relax, and he got it through. I told him he had my full permission to just shove it through since apparently I’m immune to that pain.

Besides an annoying full uterus feeling and cramps, everything went better than expected! They’re putting me on progesterone, for some odd reason. That means I won’t get my period until I stop taking it so I HAVE to test in 2 weeks. If negative I stop progesterone and get my period. If positive I continue it through my first trimester. Whatever, I want my uterus to be as hospitable as possible. Gosh I hope this works! I’d be over the moon if all it took was 500 dollars and one try.


I had my CD12 follow up ultrasound today to check on my follicle growth. I waited forever in an entirely different ultrasound room waiting for my replacement doctor, since mine was not in today. After an eternity of my ass flapping in the breeze, he decided to show up. Nice enough guy, makes small talk unlike my doctor who gets right down to business. He was FAR more gentle with the ultrasound wand though, I’ll give him that.

He kept me updated on what he was looking for, and proudly told me I had 2 mature follicles on my left side, and a third smaller one. Right side was quiet. I asked how big and he said 2cm. Woop woop! Nothing like knowing clomid did it’s job. Or maybe it was my body? It’s hard to know since we’ve never monitored my ovulation off drugs. Either way, woo for 2 follies!

He said that Clomid can make your lining thin out, and mine was no exception. His recommendation was baby aspirin, no explanation given. Ok, baby aspirin, can do. I’m also getting the gift of progesterone suppositories, even though I’ve never shown a need for them. I guess with a thinner lining they want to take every precaution and make sure that if conception happens, it sticks. Whatever, progesterone in my vag for a while, can do.

Not being my doctor, he asked if we were doing insemination or intercourse. I said we were doing IUI. He asked 1 or 2. Hmmm, never thought about it. I assumed 1 was all you ever got. Ultimately I decided upon 2. If were gonna do this me might as well go hard. He left and I got dressed. The nurse asked me for my HCG meds and I produced them from my purse. She mixed up a batch and injected my ass with it. Needles so don’t bother me. I was given 2 collection cups and told to bring a sample in between 6:30 and 7:30 am tomorrow morning, and again the next morning. Back to back IUI. This should be interesting folks. I’d be over the moon if this works AND both follies produce eggs. 2 eggs, 2 inseminations, I’m liking the odds already.

Here we go!

Life changes – game on

I hope the Clomid is working, it certainly feels like it’s doing something. I haven’t had any hot flashes or mood swings, but I’m feeling very aware of my ovaries today, CD 8. I hope I don’t ovulate early or anything, my next appointment is CD12. I’m not sure when the IUI gets done after that, I guess it depends on how my follies look. If I normally ovulate on CD14, then when do I get a trigger? Why trigger at all? I got my HCG in the mail, the doctors will shoot me with it when it comes time. Again, I really wonder what the use is in my case. It doesn’t cause immediate ovulation, and if I get it on CD13 and I was probably going to O on 14 anyway then why bother? Does that mean they’ll aim to do the IUI on 13 or 14? Groan. Not to mention it won’t be my doctor I meet with on CD12, it will be a male doctor I’ve never met because mine is not in office that day.

I got my prescription on CD4 along with my baseline ultrasound. My doctor just walked in while half heartedly knocking, I mean really, she’s going to look at my vag anyway why bother with formalities. Just stay in the room, hell just let me come into the office not wearing any pants at all, they’re just going to come off anyway! The wand didn’t hurt this time, although after enough appointments I can confirm my doctor does NOT have a light touch. When she’s putting something in your vagina, you’re going to know it. I think maybe my ovaries were just sensitive last time. The only issue this time was how damn cold the gel was. She said everything looked good for a baseline. I took a picture of the ultrasound screen for posterity. When I first walked into the room the last images taken were still on the screen. They were of a pretty obvious looking fetus with a heart rate of 169. I wondered for a moment what it would be like for that picture to be mine. I can only hope to gaze upon that miracle one day.

In the mean time my motherly instincts are poisoning me without a proper outlet. I raised 3 dogs from puppies and my 27 year old husband is practically like having a child (seriously, I had to yell at him to clean his room). You’d think I would have enough outlets to feel fulfilled. Nahhh of course not! My husband and I kicked around the idea of getting a cat for years now. Only recently did it hone down to “we want a Russian Blue kitten that we can name (Russian name)”. Usually when it gets to the point that we have a name picked out, it starts to become reality. Unfortunately Russian Blue kittens are hard to come by and there are no breeders in the area, so I would settle for a mix. I got an email from petfinder that a new russian blue kitten had been listed nearby. He was picture perfect. I promptly filled out an application and ditched working an afternoon to drive an hour to a nearby county’s humane society. I played with him for about a half hour before knowing I I needed him. A few minutes of chatting with the employee in charge and he was officially mine. He comes home next Weds after being neutered. I’m pretty excited, raising a 4 month old kitten through the next 6 months of fertility treatments will definitely help keep me sane.

I always complain about my job, but things have finally reached the tipping point. I had my yearly evaluation (my first) yesterday, My boss and I both knew I was not performing up to snuff, but he understood he promoted someone with no experience into the role and wasn’t expecting me to be perfect. At least he thought the work I was capable of doing was of good quality. He handed me a job description for my role, which didn’t exist when he made it up and promoted me to it. He’s requiring someone hired from the outside to have 3 years of b2b marketing experience and prefers someone with a masters. Well YEAH, that’s exactly what you need! You can’t expect the new college grad you hired in specifically to manage sending email blasts and website updates to magically be able to do the same job as a seasoned professional with ABSOLUTELY NO TRAINING. In short, I was set up to fail, but my boss isn’t blaming me for it. He wants to help me grow into this role….if it’s what I want. I don’t understand how he could do that considering he doesn’t know anything about marketing or how to train a greenhorn. It’s just not going to work out, I’m smart enough to understand this. I’m not going to keep torturing myself to bring home a paycheck, plus I’d be stupid if I thought he wasn’t already searching for a replacement. I’m not good with speaking, at all. I’m going to put my thoughts into a written letter and give it to him. I’m going to explain how I feel and try to have him accept me stepping down to my old role. This could go south. I think he thinks a shiny new marketing person is going to have the patience to redo website graphics, learn html, make email templates, stuff most people in director level jobs have other people do for them because it isn’t truly a marketing task. I want to be that other person. I could just stay here and keep faking it, but I don’t think he will have the patience for it come next evaluation. I hope he allows me to step down into my old job to allow for a better person to be his director. If not then I guess I get to be broke for a while. Such is the risk I take. I’m too young to be in a job that just doesn’t fit, no matter how much you want it to.

More dreams?

It happened again! More children dreams!

Except this time it was sons, and I had 3 of them. One was approximately 5 and the other 2 were under 3, and appeared to be twins. My brain told me these were my children this time. I remember all 3 of them sitting in the back seat of some non descript car and the 5 year old was saying some very humorous things. I wish I could remember the exact phrase but it was something like “I thought I was going to have a gold record by now but that was back when I was 2 and thought I was a genius”. Doesn’t make much sense but the entire conversation with this child was trying to paint him as astute and intelligent beyond his years. I liked it, I always fancy one of my children will be this way because it’s exactly how I was. The 2 twins said nothing. I remember thinking they looked sort of ugly, like they had pug faces or something with huge cheeks and tiny noses. I figured “well maybe they’ll be handsome as they grow up”. Whenever I have a dream that involves children they all typically follow the same plot line. Children are just there, brain back fills in “oh these must be yours” and dream me says “Oh I guess so huh, makes perfect sense I have a 3 year old out of no where, guess I just forgot!” I usually feel confused, and this dream was no different. That’s what made the dream I wrote about yesterday so different, I wasn’t confused, I felt real love.

That was a brief dream, one of many last night. Another involved renewing my vows with my husband, since we will have been married 5 years in September. I was wearing a big poofy wedding dress and felt pretty happy. My husband looked uncharacteristically smiley and we kissed and had some warm hugs. That was that, I love feeling happy in dreams.

Then the last part of the dream morphed into me being an extra in a Star Wars movie, complete in some sort of drab garment because we were on one of those simple planets. My job was just to walk across this bridge in the background. That was it. Where in the world did such an odd idea come from?

I’m not sure what my brain is doing lately. During the day it must be poisoned with my own doubts and depression. Maybe this is its way of repairing itself and giving me a dose of medicine. Brain is all like “stop feeling like shit all day, I’m going to dream children for you and make you finally feel happy, if only for a few minutes”. And I’m all like “Good looking out, brain”. My brain is like the matrix, lol. Maybe I’ll have another children dream tomorrow! Wouldn’t that be something? I’ve never had so many at one time, I rarely have children dreams but since this whole process started they’ve been slowly cropping up. It’s not hard to see what is weighing on my mind the most lately!

One can dream…

I had a pretty interesting dream last night. I had a child, a daughter, but my brain kept telling me she was mine, and yet adopted? My brain likes to fill in details, sometimes after the fact. This is one of those times where I don’t know whether the dream started out as her being my child, or my adopted child. Same problem with her hair color, I remember both blonde and brown.

Anyway, we were playing at the park and I was just exploding with joy and love for this tiny girl. The feelings this dream gave me were so insanely real. I got the vibe that this girl was 3 years old. I posted a Facebook status that said something like “Just took my daughter to the zoo for the first time today”. It sent shivers down my spine, literally, the words “My daughter”. It felt so real. Then something happened and the dream goes into “shes adopted” mode because the adoption agency takes her back. I guess I only had partial custody of her and the adoption agency had the rest? I remember going into grizzly mama mode and started screaming THIS IS WHY NO ONE WANTS TO ADOPT, BECAUSE YOU GO AND DO SHIT LIKE THIS! I seethed, I vowed to take them to court and get full custody of this child. Then I woke up.

Huh, how odd. Was this a glimpse into my future? Does my brain know something I don’t? Am I going to have to adopt? Go ahead and smite me for my opinions but I balk at adopting. Those of us in the community understand exactly what I mean. The people outside don’t. It’s sad, they think the only people who can or should adopt are people who can’t have their own children. That is the most ignorant statement anyone can ever make. Why didn’t YOU adopt a child? Just because you CAN have your own doesn’t mean you shouldn’t adopt either! Also the adoption system isn’t exactly filled to the brim with rosy cheeked newborns. It’s mostly older children who have “been in the system” far too long. It’s kids taken away from drug addicted or psychotic parents. It’s siblings who refuse to be separated. I don’t feel that because I might not have a child of my own that I need to try my hand at raising someone elses. Single parents are almost en vogue these days. Being 16 and pregnant gets you famous. The times where women feel pressured to send newborns into adoption because of social or religious factors is long behind us. The system has changed completely, and I don’t think the ignorant masses can wrap their brain around that. Also adoption is stupidly expensive. I’d rather spend that money on IVF.

I’m so stressed out lately. I wish future me would come and tell me everything works out in the end.

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