85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Archive for June, 2012

Dat wait…

2ww is the worst. WORST!

This cycle I didn’t have the bowling ball feeling for very long after trigger, though my ass got bruised. The administering nurse seemed scared to prick someone and over thought it. I think the oddest thing I’ve noticed is feeling like I have diarrhea cramps without actually having anything resembling diarrhea. Normal BMs here. Wonder what that’s about. Wonder if that’s some sort of bizarre implantation related symptom. Probably not. Probably just Taco Bell’s fault.

It’s now 8dpo and I’m still testing positive on my hpt cheapies. If we remember, last time it took until day 12 for the line to finally ghost out. The lines aren’t very dark now, but they aren’t hard to see ghost lines either. They do take forever to show up though.

Still exhausted like last cycle. Just hoping there’s something growing in there. I think I’ve basically given up though. Like, I’m always full of rage but lately I’ve been so “meh” and defeated feeling. Mentally I’m on IVF. I know this IUI and the next aren’t going to work. I blame myself. My husband’s sperm might have a high level of morphology issues, but there’s so damn many of them that kind of cancels it out, right? It’s got to be my high FSH. My diminished ovarian reserve. But then again how is that even possible when I managed 3 follicles this cycle, which is average, and some women are lucky to stim just one on clomid!? Maybe my eggs are just terrible.

I hope at least I respond the one time it counts, on IVF meds before a retrieval. I’d prefer to have a ton of eggs harvested so I can coast on FET for cycles 2 and 3 if 1 doesn’t work. Plus it would be awesome to have some left over to use later or donate. I always wanted to be an egg donor…but for selfish reasons, like financial gain and spreading my own selfish DNA everywhere. Like a damn animal…

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“Good Luck”

Doesn’t matter how much money you throw at the problem, doesn’t matter if you get the world’s best doctors….it all boils down to luck. I recently noticed that at the end of all my IUIs the doctor gives me a firm “good luck” on their way out. Good luck. That’s really all it takes to get pregnant. Good luck.

I’d usually classify myself as a very lucky individual. Most of the great things in my life have happened through sheer luck. Will my luck come through in this endeavor? Lord knows that’s the only thing that’s going to make this happen. It’s all just a numbers game, aiming for a greater than 50% chance of success.

I had 3 mature follicles this time, all on the left again. My right either does nothing or has an immature. I wonder if my right ovary is a slacker. Could an under performing ovary cause my artificially inflated FSH level? That would make sense. Of course, we’ll see if it was just luck that both cycles decided to use my left ovary.

IUI #1 had a count of 162 mil, IUI #2 was in the 150s. Counts have never been an issue. My husband has been on call this past week and didn’t get home until late last night. I was afraid he would be too tired to produce a sample but he came through like a champ. First IUI went smooth as always, second was the first time my doctor has gotten to perform one on me. She always has some sort of medical student in tow, one that got to do the IUI for her. Normally I would resent being a guinea pig in a situation where someone has to fish something around in my vagina, but in this case I didn’t mind. I have a beastly cervix and the trainee could fish around to her hearts content and I wouldn’t feel it. I made a point of telling her I don’t usually feel anything and she could be as crazy as she needed to be. She ended up having trouble doing it herself and my doctor had to take over and do it.

My ovaries hurt and I feel very crampy. Is this what it’s like to feel pregnant? The pain is likely from the hcg trigger, which is what developing fetus’ put out. It’s the hormone directly responsible for “feeling” pregnant. My boobs don’t hurt but my uterus just feels angry. Like it’s carrying around a bowling ball.

Hoping I finally get lucky this round, this really needs to happen.

Clomid Crazies

I’ve noticed there is some truth to the emotional side effects of clomid. This round I was extremely irritable and angry. While I’m on it I’m just in a perpetual bad mood. It seems like the only time I’m not feeling 100% crazy these days is during the 2ww. And that’s only because the crazy is being fought off with a small ray of hope. A ray that just keeps getting swallowed up by the grey storm clouds of depression and defeat.

I have my CD12 ultrasound tomorrow, and if all looks well my trigger too. Then CD13/14 IUIs. I honestly can’t even say I’m excited. I know the outcome, it’s going to be negative. It’s always negative. It’s never not negative. At this point there are 3 issues that I’m betting are keeping me from getting pregnant. Either my husbands sperm are so bad they can’t penetrate the egg, my eggs are so bad they can’t be penetrated and/or mature or 3 my lining or the eggs themselves are not conducive to sticking and allowing the egg to grow. That’s it. We know I produce eggs, we know my husband has plenty of sperm, we know they’re alive, we know my tubes are clear, WHY CAN’T THEY JUST COMBINE AND GROW?! It’s 2012 for crap sake, why isn’t there technology to capture exactly what is going on with sperm and eggs inside a woman’s body? It’s LITERALLY just “put the sperm in and if it’s positive great, if not let’s just bang on our chests a little more and throw a bone in the air because we have no idea unless we take the eggs and sperm outside the body”. Come on now, that’s awful. Even in IVF they literally just shoot the fertilized eggs in and HOPE THEY STICK. Again, mentally, I just can not handle this, it’s not acceptable.

Even when I’m not on clomid I’m just teetering on the edge of sanity. It doesn’t take much to set me off into a downward spiral of depression and anxiety. I’m frustrated. There’s only so much shit someone can take and expect to have a healthy mental state. I know I have a habit of freaking out about things that end up just fine. I mean look at this blog, I freaked out about my HSG forever and it turned out to be pain free. But I don’t think it’s fair to compare something like being scared of being in pain for 5 minutes, and being scared you will die without leaving behind a legacy. Ask any young woman who hasn’t started actively trying what she would do if she found out she couldn’t have kids. She’d probably have to choke back tears and wail about how the only thing she’s ever wanted to be was a mother. Basically, that is the hell that is my life at the moment. I can’t be happy in the present knowing what doom the future could hold. It all boils down to what I will do if in 4+ months if I’m not pregnant. The health insurance will be up and any future attempts will be at my own expense. I’m fairly sure I don’t want to adopt. I just can’t do it.

I’m just not sure I can face a future where I have no children. I’m not sure I want to be a part of that future. And it hurts to type that. Why me?

Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead

My internet cheapies came yesterday. Big fat negative, no doubt about it. Woke up this morning, took a pee, and glorious Aunt Flow decided to knock on my door. Welcome witch! So glad to finally see, you, you’re 1-2 days late. It’s CD 1 and I can finally get back into the swing of things, round 2, FIGHT!

I’m going to ask my doctor about putting me on Femara, since I hear it does everything Clomid does but has none of the lining thinning side effects. Sounds good to me! I’d really like to hear what my doctor has to say about that. If she thinks Clomid is best I will stick with that. Technically Femara is not FDA approved as a fertility drug, it’s purpose is in breast cancer treatment. Still, I’d like to try at least one cycle on it, can’t hurt.

From BFN day to AF day, I’m usually extremely angry and stressed out because you’re stuck in that hopeless place where you know you’re not pregnant but you can’t immediately start over again. Now that AF is here I’m feeling less hot headed and angry. Could also be that Vicodin I took this morning because why the hell not. I have a ton of prescription pain killers from my tooth extraction and costochondritis flare up. I don’t know, I’m feeling pretty good right now. I’m just going to enjoy it.

For no reason at all I decided to apply to a front desk position at a veterinary clinic yesterday. I’d be making 5 dollars less then I make at my current job and I’d be working less hours. I literally don’t care. I work here for 40 hours, but in reality I do less then 10 hours of work in an average week. I could practically still work here and go do that. We’ll see. I just want a job where I’m not bored most of the day. The only reason I even CARE about money is the fertility treatments. If I could just be a normal human being and make a child for free it wouldn’t even matter. So unfair.

Godzilla was really female

Has to be the case, since I’ve had an urge to stomp loudly, wreck buildings, roar, and breathe fire onto all living things without mercy lately.

I couldn’t help myself and took another HPT a day after my last faint positive. What can I say, I just HAD to know if the line would get darker or lighter. Well, let’s just say had it gotten darker I wouldn’t be feeling like Godzilla lately. Of course, it had gotten lighter. It was light as can be the first time, but now it’s practically a ghost line and I’m convinced if I didn’t have such eagle eyes I wouldn’t have even been able to see it. It got lighter, no doubt about it. Suspicions confirmed, the test was just picking up the tail end of my hcg trigger….12dpt!

I ordered myself a big bag of internet cheapies so I can use a real hcg test to test out my trigger instead of using OPKs. I’m just going to stop my progesterone because all it does is leak out and make me mad. Plus I’d like my period to show up on time and get this show on the road. How sad. I knew my first IUI statistically wouldn’t work but odds be damned, I had to be hopeful anyway. I need to stop that shit.

I just don’t GET it! My brain always has and always will be programed for logic. Vulcans have to be a race because I am one! This entire situation has no logic whatsoever. Where is the logic in all of your piss poor friends breeding like rabbits, yet a couple with everything in place doesn’t get squat? THERE IS NO LOGIC! My brain keeps trying to find logic in chaos and it’s causing little shorts and burning out. I do not feel like the same person I was a year ago. I’m pushing everyone away from me. I’m blocking people I’ve been extremely close to on facebook because I just don’t want to see what their precious little piece of crotch fruit did today. All the garage sales I went to yesterday just HAD to be 90% baby items because lets face it, everyone buys new baby items because their babies deserve better then second hand items! And oh no, we can’t donate Jr.s clothing, we have to sell it because it graced our child’s ass and that makes it worth something! STOP WITH THE BABY ITEM GARAGE SALES AND JUST DONATE IT TO THOSE IN NEED FOR GOD SAKES! YOUR BABY IS NOT MORE SPECIAL THEN THE LAST ONE!

The cult of mommyhood is everywhere and you just can’t escape. Babies in commercials, babies on  the sidewalk, babies on your facebook, babies everywhere, babies babies babies! You can’t get a break from it! I can’t be in this society where you can’t be a woman without being a mom. I can’t be in this society where it seems like the most ignorant, uneducated, unwashed masses have absolutely no trouble replicating like a disease, yet me, an extremely healthy young woman with a good career and a husband with the best worker bee genes on this planet can NOT GET PREGNANT. WHY THE FUCK NOT?!  I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE! I’M GOING INSANE! GRRRRRRRRRRRR ::stomp stomp:: Godzilla unleashed!

FBFP?

A fake BFP? That’s what I’m thinking anyway. Against my better judgement I decided to test at my routine 10dpo, 11dpt in this case. I did not use an OPK yesterday, but the day before showed a line the same darkness as the control line, not way darker. It was an indication that the trigger hcg was finally leaving my system. Leaving. As in probably not completely gone. That is why the very faint BFP I got today did not even make my heart skip a beat. I’m going to assume it’s still picking up the hcg in my system from the shot. I suppose I should hold off testing again until 14dpo and see what comes up. If the line is still there maybe I get a tiny bit more excited. If it’s gone….well, I’ll stop taking progesterone and let nature take over.

How sad, my first real positive pregnancy test and I’m not even EXCITED!  Stupid trigger! Taking my positive = really positive away from me.

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