85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Archive for July, 2012

So what’s this all about?

After my last post my tests started ghosting out, at 10dpo. Bummer. Today is 13dpo/14dpt…and…I’m not sure if it’s a false alarm, if I’m just crazy, or seeing things…..but I think it’s DARKER than the past few days of tests.


It’s not much, but it’s definitely darker than the previous tests. The orange test is from Azo. I might have a UTI but it’s hard to tell because it’s fine and then it isn’t. It doesn’t help that some women swear that UTI= pregnancy symptom. Seriously, everything is a pregnancy symptom isn’t it? Either way, what is this? Fluke? Ugh! I have no idea! I’ve never had a test go down then go back up. Plus 14 days past trigger shot…it can’t even be in my system that dark anymore can it? It all just seems impossible. I guess the real answer will be on tomorrow’s test. If it’s darker….we know it’s not the shot. If it’s gone….it was a fluke. Plus AF is technically due tomorrow but the progesterone usually pushes it off a day. I definitely FEEL like it’s on the way but again, that too is a “symptom”. Babies are confusing business.
So what do you think? Am I pregnant or just crazy?

Teetering precariously

9dpo/10dpt today, still getting visible positives. They are progressing down, but not very quickly like last month. This time last month I stopped my progesterone 10dpo because the lines were ghost lines. If this keeps progressing down then why would the trigger test out faster one month? I HATE TRIGGERS! Gah! What I would give for one darker test because then you KNOW that shit isn’t an accident. I feel very full and my ovaries feel tender. I’m guessing it’s all just a ruse and I’m not pregnant. Probably just cysts. Little fluid filled bastards just sitting on my ovaries, mocking me.

I have mad cravings for Taco Bell. I have no idea why but it’s like I have no choice to drive myself to TB and get food. I went yesterday, and it was everything I could hope for and more. Now brain wants it again today. Probably going to give in. My throat is mucusy and gross from being ill earlier in the week and spicy food helps clear me out. Plus if a couple of bucks is all it takes to make my brain shut off and be happy for a few hours then it’s more than worth it. I’m petite, so whatevs. TGIF.

End of the line/Cold War

Today I’m 6dpo, just wishing and hoping that this month finally worked. If not it’s the end of the line, we have no choice but to go with IVF. I’m feeling heavy and I caught a cold, other than that I don’t feel particularly different.

I got some good news, in that I will be doing some work for the family business. It will enable me to work less at my current job, which I hate, so that’s great. If I go into IVF the last thing I care about is working, which is ironic because I’d have no way to pay for it without working. I could really use a lottery win right about now.

I also got some other news that made me really feel the pressure. I’m not sure if’ I’ve mentioned on this blog before, but my husband and I are part of a family unit where there are 2 other sets of cousins who got married around the same time as us. It’s been a cold war to see who will get pregnant first. We’ve been married the longest, so I’d honestly like to be the first. I didn’t think couples 2 and 3 were trying. Couple 3 don’t even live together, for various reasons regarding work, so I don’t have to worry about them. Couple 2 never really mentioned actively trying. Cut to yesterday when my husband comes upstairs to bed. He mentions that the girl from couple 2 made a facebook post about “not getting the one thing she wants more than anything….frustrated”. The comments made it clear it was about trying for a baby. My heart sank. I was not friends with her on facebook but quickly added her so I could snoop. So….we have competition.

How sad is it that I view getting pregnant a competition? That’s almost sick. No one in the family is particularly happy cousin 2 married this girl, she’s just an odd ball, and she really doesn’t have a good job or anything. Should I be happy it isn’t happening for her either? Judging by how overly dramatic she is about things I doubt they have tried more than 3 months. I mean really. Try 14 months of negative tests and then get back to me about feeling frustrated. I decided not to be a terrible person and try to reach out in my own way without revealing the cards in my hand. I simply commented “can definitely relate…”. In saying that I have signaled to the entire family that we’re actively trying (and failing).  Of course, they don’t know the extent.

Please please please let me be pregnant.

Time Bandit

It’s hard to tell if I have a case of the “Mondays” or what. I’ve never been one for the 40 hour work week. The entire process is aptly named rat race for a reason. Step 1, find rats. The rats don’t have to be willing, they just have to be hungry and have little to no other choice for food. Step 2, place rats in an overly elaborate maze. Promise the rats they will be rewarded with the food they need to continue living, you have to give them some incentive or else why would they bother with the hassle of the maze? Step 3, wait for the rats to find the cheese. There is a perfect amount of cheese for each rat, but let’s face it, rats are selfish. The first rat to make it is going to feel he deserves the most cheese because he is the best. That rat stuffs his cheeks until the remaining rats get there. By the end, the last rat in gets little to no cheese and is told “better luck next week!” He goes home to his rat family a broken man. Work for money that you have no time to enjoy. It’s all a scam.

I don’t think I was designed to follow rules. Most rules exist for the lowest common denominator. We need speed limits because if 1 person can’t handle speeding, we all shouldn’t be able to. I need to take an hour lunch “because I said so”. So much bureaucracy, it sickens me. I need money, plain and simple. I’ve never had a job where I was genuinely excited to go to work every day. I don’t know if it’s because my personality will find flaws in every job I take, or if I just haven’t found that “perfect career” yet. As for my current job, I make it very clear to anyone outside the workplace that A) I hate my job because it’s boring and some of the tasks are way above my skill level, which leaves me confused and constantly lost, which directly contributes to feeling frustrated and angry. B) I’m only here for the money. I need money for my treatment. The odds of finding another job that pays this much at this skill level with this much freedom to leave for doctor’s appointments is slim and none. You would think that would lead to me treasuring my job and doing everything I can to work more hours and make more money. Funny how it isn’t like that at all. See the rat race above.

This fertility struggle is draining me, plain and simple. It’s draining every ounce of concentration, my income, and my ability to feel. I just can’t care anymore. I’m devoid of feelings that don’t directly relate to getting pregnant. And what kind of feelings are connected to getting pregnant? Unbelievable frustration, soul crushing sadness, loneliness, isolation, self loathing, and worst of all, not feeling like a human being. I feel like an animal. A science project. I feel like I’m watching my future slowly get destroyed by a time bandit.

Arguably the one thing even brainless creatures can do is reproduce. Some would say it’s our one and only purpose. Something that comes pre-programmed inside of all of us. We have a biological drive to breathe, eat, seek shelter, release waste, and reproduce. Imagine a wild animal’s frustration if you take food away from it. Leave it in a cage with a juicy steak on the other side of the bars while it slowly starves to death, all the while the one thing that could take away it’s pain is just inches away. It would go crazy. It would try to gnaw the bars off. It would try to eat it’s own feet. It would yowl in frustration. It’s being denied it’s basic, biological drive to eat.

Having a child is a biological need that is hitting it’s peak in my brain. It’s not a joke. My live has devolved into a constant struggle for sanity between my primitive and cognitive brain. My keep trying to reason with my primitive desires with logic and intelligence, but you can’t reason away millions of years of evolution. Every month like clock work, around ovulation, my brain goes into what I call “mate mode”. For some reason nearly every man I see triggers a reaction in my primitive brain. PB pings my cognitive brain.

PB “Hey CB, there’s a guy. You know what that guy has? Huh? Do you?…DO YOU? He has DNA. Valuable genetic material. You should try and get some of that from him. You need to go make babies right now”
CB Sigh “Yes PB, that is a male. Yes he has genetic material that is valuable to propagating our species. No, I do not desire him, please stop.”
PB “But…man…DNA….fertile….must…make….babies”
CB “We’re working on it with our real mate, remember him? He’s filled with genetic material too you know.”
PB “Oh yeah, that’s right! We already have a mate. Well why the hell aren’t you ripe with child yet?”
CB “It’s not that easy, PB. We’re working on it.”
PB “Alright, well until then I’m going to activate myself whenever a potentially handsome man appears in front of your eyes K?

I can’t turn it off. It’s that primitive desire to reproduce that keeps cropping up. It has nothing to do with love, sex, or anything. It’s literally all about DNA. A quick browse of the internet seems to show that most women have similar reactions that excite them around ovulation time. Finally, when the heat of heat passes, both parts of my brain start to be friends again and go into computer mode. Constantly running checks and adjusting my emotions accordingly. I guess that explains why I feel so robotic 90% of the time.

Prompt Ping 1: Objective – Pregnancy – Met (Y/N)?
Prompt Ping 2: Objective – Pregnancy -Met (N)
Command Prompt 1: Set – Human – Stasis – Hold
Command Prompt 2: Objective – Survive – Minimal
Command Prompt 2: Objective – Avoid – Mental stress – Maximum
Command Prompt 2: Objective – Pregnancy – Maximum
Command Prompt 3: Set – Check Objective – 1D – Repeating
End Line

I feel like I’m in a holding pattern. Pregnant? No? Ok well bide your time until you can try again. And biding my time means survive – minimum. My brain is placing little in my command to survive. It wants me to do nothing more than eat, sleep, and use the bathroom. Going to work, doing anything that adds mental stress, just aggravates this command, and makes me feel terrible. Understandably so. Even in the baseline of this holding pattern I’m set to feel terrible unless the objective of pregnancy is met. Adding terrible feelings on top of terrible feelings just leads to a crash. There’s simply no place left to hold those feelings. It leads to a natural desire to seek pleasure, not in a sexual way. Little things that help empty the cache of overflowing mental stress. Days off. Meeting with friends. Hanging out with my husband. Picking. All things that my brain will allow me to do because it offsets the mental stress that is constantly building up. I don’t want to do anything that involves making me feel worse than I already do. Seems like I might be clinically depressed. Oh well. I do a good enough job hiding it when I’m doing something fun. Those moments of fun are few and far between.

I used to think I was going to get pregnant, give the middle finger to my job, and high tail to to Florida where I could live happily ever after amongst the family I actually enjoy. Now I’m not so sure. I know in my heart that if I stay here my husband will continue to climb the ranks at his job, and provide a bountiful life for me. In the 4 years he’s been at his company he has almost doubled his income and won us a vacation, all by being an outstanding employee who downplays his achievements as nothing more than “just doing my job”. We could afford a nicer house in the country and I wouldn’t have to work full time, or at all. There’s pluses and minuses on both sides. Go to family that can help us raise our child in a warm family environment that we wouldn’t get here, but take a pay cut and probably start at the bottom again, or stay here, be assured the money is probably going to keep going up, and have a nice house. I don’t know if we can afford a nice house in Florida, at least not for a few years. I guess I’d be happy either way. I just don’t want to keep working at this job and live in my current house for much longer. I want to have a child and spend my time raising it and enjoying every moment. There’s plenty of time for a career and money grabs later in life. Lord knows my generation is going to have to work well into their 70s. They’re only a child for so long, it’s not worth missing when you’re going through all this just to experience it.

I guess my ultimate plan is to have a child first and foremost, the rest of my life will just have to conform around it, for better or for worse. Because until I have a child, I’m stuck in a holding pattern. Can’t move. Can’t leave my job. Can’t do anything but survive, acquire income, and keep on trying. A baby, a pregnancy is my key to finally getting everything I’ve ever wanted. And it’s so close yet so far away.

I knew it…

I went in for my CD4 ultrasound and Clomid prescription pick up. For some reason on the car ride there I thought “I bet I have a  cyst, everyone gets cysts on Clomid.” Not sure where that thought came from. Probably the lingering sensitivity in my abdomen. I was promptly seen by my doctor who waved her magic vagina wand around and after an eternity piped up “you have a collapsing cyst”. Hmmm yep intuition was right. This cyst is only in the 1cm range, which is itty bitty compared to most. Though I’m not sure what she meant by collapsing. Usually cysts rupture or shrink, but collapse? Did she mean shrink? A google search revels little, saying that a collapsing cyst seems to be what they call one after it ruptures, which results in a lot of pain. I didn’t have any pain. I’m betting they just call any tiny cyst a collapsing cyst. I guess collapsing is better than “growing out of control”.

For some reason my doctor ordered a blood draw before allowing me to take my last round of 50mg Clomid. Something about confirming I’m not pregnant. Yeah, I don’t get it either. I got my period, my temps dropped, no baby in there. I sat through a blood draw, was instructed not to take the Clomid until I got a phone call, and left.

The call today reveals what I already freaking knew, definitely not pregnant, go ahead with the Clomid. I’m pretty confused. I have a cyst, yet they want me to continue the drug that gave it to me? Isn’t sitting a cycle out the normal procedure for an ovarian cyst? Is it because it’s so tiny? I suppose if it’s collapsed it won’t grow and be affected. Makes sense. This is my last Clomid/IUI cycle before moving on to IVF. My doctor pondered whether to bump my dosage up or stay at 50 and seemed pleased that I produced 3 follicles at this dosage. Although obviously one became a cyst. I lamented that I’d rather stay on the 50 and save the heavy drugs for next cycle since this one was probably not going to work anyway. She shushed me and told me not to be pessimistic. I told her I’m always pessimistic. She told me I’d get pregnant, I said “because third time’s the charm, right?”. She nodded and left the room.

As I was typing this the resident loopy of the office bounded in to tell me about her ex. We had been talking yesterday about my costochondritis because it sounded like her ex might have the same thing. Then out of nowhere she groans that she’s never gotten a lick of child support for her 2 kids from this man, and then preached on about how if I have kids I need to think long and hard about who I do it with, and I should just cherish my dogs. I drew my lips in tight and murmured “yeah, well….that’s a touchy subject…”. It hurt for some reason. She said that she was told she couldn’t have kids yet somehow managed to have 2 oops babies? Yeah I don’t know how to feel about that. No one at my office knows why I have so many doctor’s appointments. I have no idea if they even have an inkling because I’ve never come out and said it, nor have they ever asked. I’m not sure I want them to know.

Here’s moving onto the “third time’s the charm” cycle. Big bucks…no whammy. Healthy baby, no cysts.

A slow decent

I stopped my Progesterone 2 nights ago. The tests just keep getting lighter and lighter to the point that they are ghost lines now. If I were pregnant, the lines would have started darkening by now. I’m not pregnant. I feel like my period will be here soon, though it won’t be due til the 4th or 5th. I just want it to start so we can go again. Our last IUI cycle. I feel a little conflicted about the whole thing, like I know it’s not going to work and I just want to move onto IVF, but it would be nice to have a “third times the charm” miracle and not have to go through with IVF since it’s expensive and painful and, yet again, has everything to do with luck and no guarantees. Since IUI is not working I just want to blame myself and my eggs. What if we go through with the egg retrieval only to find out that none of the eggs will fertilize? What if our DNA is just not compatible? It would be a crushing blow. I know it’s rare but it does happen.

A saw someone post pictures of their new baby niece on Facebook. The next 6 months are going to be full of births since it seems like everyone and their sister is pregnant right now. Luckily I have the preggos removed from my news feed so I don’t see anything they post, but mutual friends will still post things. I can’t avoid everyone. Although I wish I could.

My husband and I are toying with the idea of going to Disney World. I told him maybe if our first IVF cycle is a bust. Who knows though, I don’t care if we do or not since I plan on moving down there once we get pregnant anyway.

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