I pondered on my way back from the post office on my lunch break. What is the point of my existence? I’m fairly lazy and I don’t currently produce anything that contributes to society. Sure, I have a job, a job I don’t think I’m very good at and everyone probably wishes I would leave so some one better can be hired. I don’t do anything. I don’t procreate. I survive. That is all. I exist simply to exist until I die. I exist to use resources and make other people deal with my short comings. I’m sure if “It’s A Wonderful Life” happened to me I’d commit suicide, because everyone would be better off if I didn’t exist.
I try to follow my own life beliefs, centering around “everything happens for a reason”. Slowly that motto I held so high is dissolving. There is no rhyme or reason, no carefully crafted order by some cosmic flow. Nothing. We’re all just ignorant blobs of matter. Psychotic apes inhabiting a primitive dirtball hurling through space.
My mental capacity is dwindling. I’ve lost most of my mind. I decided to take some online depression screenings and sure enough, I must be depressed. I’m irritable, lack concentration, I just can’t care about anything, and I feel completely worthless and lost. People I used to reach out to and try to make plans with I’ve simple abandoned. I don’t have the energy or drive to want to reach out to anyone anymore. I’ve regressed to a child like state. I want my hand held. I want someone else to lead me through my life. I don’t want to make decisions, I want to be told. I’ve lost my creativity.
I’m going to ask my boss if I can start working from home from now on. This depression cloud I come to work with every day certainly isn’t helping anyone. If I can be at home I’ll be slightly happier, and if I’m slightly happier maybe I’ll be a better worker. I really want to be a better worker, it’s just that there are too many other things weighing on my mind that I don’t have the power to clear out for 7 hours a day. It’s just. too. hard. Plus with IVF coming up (yes, my tests faded off again, false alarm) and the injection schedule…and the appointments…and the ER…how can I even come in to work? I’m afraid I’ll get fired. As much as that alarms me, I can’t care. It’s pretty sad that faces with losing your job you can’t even care. I mean what can I do? I can’t continue coming here every day while my depression swallows me whole going through the hardest thing in my life thus far. Yet without a job….how can I afford the IVF? I’m stuck. So stuck. I’m just a drain on society. Sure, I put on a brave face. I smile, I laugh, I cook dinner, I do the dishes, I do the laundry, I find simple joy in thrifting and spending time with my husband….but the entire time the stony face of gloom is sitting in the back of my mind. It’s there when I wake up in the morning. It’s there when I go to sleep. It’s never gone, just sometimes overridden. Sometimes I just want a hug for no reason. Sometimes I cry. Actually I cry just about every day. Not gagging, screaming cries. Just soft, silent, tears welling up in my eyes and occasionally stinging my cheeks. I cry at my office….every day. I’m crying right now. The sadness is always there, no matter what face I put on.
I hurt my foot a few days ago. I think I smacked it on something. I honestly don’t remember. All I remember is climbing into bed to watch TV, wondering why my foot hurt. My toe really. I contemplated being given a choice: get your toe nail ripped off, and you get pregnant next month. I cringed at the thought of having to choose. I’m sure I’d choose getting my toe nail ripped off. Later that night I went to the bathroom and finally looked at my foot. One of my toe nails HAD been ripped off. Well, 95% ripped off, it looks like there might still be a little left. It was still hanging on by a little bit. I just grabbed it and ripped it off, which didn’t hurt. It’s pretty sensitive now. I ripped my toe nail off….can I have a baby now?