85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Archive for August, 2012

Roll Out

…Literally. I’m so bloated I feel like Violet Beauregard from Willy Wonka. Just shove me on my side and roll me away little men.


I went shopping last night, at Kohl’s of all places. I work in marketing so I get Kohl’s whole “but you’re saving money!!” shtick. Doesn’t work on me, they’re overpriced even after “sale” prices. Unfortunately I’m a creature of habit and the pants I like to wear come from Kohl’s. Just like my underpants are from Target, and I’ve been wearing the same necklace for at least 10 years now. I’ll wear a pair of pants until the ass rubs out of them, and unfortunately that was just about to happen on my favorite pair. I figured shopping for pants at my bloatiest would result in pants that always fit well. Genius.

I hate, HATE jean shopping. WTF is up with skinny jeans? Unless you have 12 year old boy pringles can legs, skinny jeans are not flattering. I tried on a pair anyway and found out that I am laughably pear shaped. I have small boobs and no gut, yet I have a huge ass, child bearing hips, and thunder thighs. WTF nature? I hate wearing shorts because I have cellulite too.


Still a size 5 in pants, that comes as a surprise…

I should be fine now considering el crimson tide has arrived. I can FINALLY get on board the train to IVF town, starting with blood work and birth control. Let’s make this happen!

Brace Yourselves….

This is how I feel going on Facebook this morning. I find out that a girl I used to work with, who has been in a relationship for probably 6 months, doesn’t live with the guy at all…..OMG U GUYZ I’M EXPECTING A BABY BOY…..wat?

One of my friends that I also used to work with, in the same circle of friends as the girl above (I mentioned her near the start of my blog, the friend who was going to try for #2 in August and I wanted to beat her) is being very coy about the fact that she’s pregnant. I know it, everyone knows it, but she refuses to make it official.
COME ON cosmos. Why so many freaking babies? Why people who don’t deserve them at all? People who literally shrugged their shoulders and said yeah why not let’s try and POOF, bountiful womb. People that will never know what it’s like to stab themselves daily with expensive medication with the HOPE not guarantee of a healthy baby. I just…don’t…get it. I can’t process it.

Another one bites the dust. Another friend blocked from my feed indefinitely. Pretty soon there will be no women left. In an attempt to feel smug and better then them, at least I have a house and…gasp… A HUSBAND WITH A GOOD JOB. Doesn’t matter how you slice it, my life is a step above theirs. Only thing missing is the one thing I envy about them. Not fair.


It’s Monday and yippee, my vagina rage fest has cooled down to normal ranges. That’s about the only thing to be happy about.

My OPKs went positive around CD14 or 15, and I expected a temp shift to follow. My tests have not really faded back down to nothing, they are not way darker than the control line like they typically are the day before O, but they have gone down to equal to control line darkness. Still technically positive. For the past 2 days my alarm did not wake me to take my temps for some reason. I was finally able to get a temp taken this morning. I expected 98.4 ish, a typical post O temp reading. I got 97.9. That can’t be right. I took it again…97.8. Pre O temps! It would seem I never ovulated. Fertility Friend seems to think I ovulated on CD13, which doesn’t really fit with what a normal cycle looks like for me, nor does it fit with OPK data. My coverline used to be that low last year…but has since moved up to the 98/98.1 range.


Meanwhile here is a typical chart from last month.

I know my body better than a computer. Something is up. I’m pretty sure I didn’t ovulate. Could it be from the diflucan I wonder? Could I have a cyst? I’ve never had this issue before. I guess we’ll find out when I truly did O when AF comes. If it comes.

I finally made my charm bracelets. I wish I would have ordered larger beads but overall I think they turned out well. After all is said and done I really won’t make too much off of each one. I put them up on my ebay for all to enjoy.

Now all I can do is wait for AF, that’s it. What a boring waiting game.

7 Year Itch

Ok ok, it’s only been 3 days but it feels like 7 years.

So last post I had my Sono, all was well with that. I was set to ovulate practically any day and wasn’t about to give up this cycle so I did what any woman would do in my shoes, fill her vagina with semen! Tuesday night I got such a parcel delivered and felt content about it, and fell asleep. I awoke the next morning, did what I had to do on the toilet, flowback is a go….and…dafuq? As soon as it comes rushing out I feel strangely itchy and irritated. I tried to brush it off and continued on to work. My pants rubbed on me, which was not pleasant. It would seem I’ve somehow contracted an overnight yeast infection! From semen!

Well to be fair it could be 3 things. I deliberately didn’t fill my prophylactic antibiotic prescription for the sono because I DIDN’T want to get an antibiotic caused yeast infection. I took a single ammoxicylin I had laying around the day of the procedure and that was it. There’s the semen, which has never given me that reaction before, and then there’s the fact that this is my first natural cycle in 3 months and my hormones are super wacky. I’m very prone to hormonal yeast infections. Who dun it?!

That night when I got home from work I popped in a spare treatment suppository. I usually only need to take day 1 of a 3 day to feel relief, which is why a 3 day can last me a whole year. I awake the next morning and….it hasn’t stopped. In fact it may have gotten worse. Hell hath no fury like a lady with a raging vag infection. My infections tend to not include the cottage cheese discharge normally attributed to yeast. They’re usually intense itching and swelling only. I could take it no longer and called up my doctor, who was nice enough to phone in a diflucan for me. I couldn’t get to the pharmacy fast enough. I popped that diflucan and waited. In the mean time I discovered the unbridled joy an ice pack can bring up in your sniz. Genius.

 I ended up getting some monistat hydrocortizone cream. I’m not sure how well it works since I applied it right before bed and it didn’t seem to do much. When I got up this morning it seemed far better. It’s still not cured, but it’s overall not as itchy. Although since I started writing this there has been an itchy spot paining me. The swelling has gone down too. I still feel as though the happiest place I could be right now is Antarctica, dragging my hind quarters over an iceberg leaving a cartoonish steam trail and a groove in the ice. God I hate this feeling. Though most ladies have been here or will be, most don’t get them quite as often as I do. I blame you, hormones!

So now I get to spend my weekend with ice on my sniz, hoping to feel better by Monday. My OPKs turned ridiculously positive on CD14, they’ve remained just as dark over the past 2 days. This is not really normal for me. My temp dipped today so I haven’t released an egg yet. I’m sure my chart will spike tomorrow. Either way, it’s like the cosmos is cock blocking me, quite literally. It WANTS me to do IVF. Absolutely can’t get pregnant this cycle, nope, cosmos forbid. Of course I can’t have sex or even think about putting more semen in me, it feels like a raging bitch fest down there! COSMOS Y U COCK BLOCK ME?!


Lion heart

I had my sonohysterogram yesterday. The entire thing made me feel like such a bad ass bitch and I realized how far I’ve come. Back before my HSG I was terrified of having anyone do anything to my uterus. I went into my appointment all cool calm and collected, was given a pee test, and sent into my room to wait. I hopped up onto the table with a Cosmo and waited for my doctor.

After forever she finally came in, med student in tow. Not sure if I’ve met this one before, there’s too many to keep track of. I briefly put my magazine down to shuffle to the end of the table so my doctor could have access. I resumed reading my Cosmo as my doctor started. Speculum was the worst part, as always. In this case I was sore to begin with (thank my husband) but it didn’t hurt as much as I anticipated. She mentioned having trouble getting through the cervix, to which I mentioned “have fun with that”. The med student laughed and commented on how awesome I am, just laying there reading a Cosmo like it’s nothing. I told her I was one of the rare lucky ones where this stuff doesn’t hurt me.  My doctor finally got through and swapped the speculum for an ultrasound wand. Med student began pumping a syringe of saline into my uterus. The monitor was turned away from me. “I wanna seeeeeee” I whined. She pushed the monitor so we could both see. I watched my uterus fill up like a balloon as my my doctor told the student to push harder. “Go uterus go!” I cheered. My doctor happily echoed my cheer. She took some screen grabs and everything was done. After a rush of saline I was told all looked good. No polyps or odd growths in my uterus. Huzzah!

She left a picture of my uterus up on screen so I snagged a picture. It’s no so much bicornuate like originally thought, more arcuate, meaning just a dip at the top instead of a straight line. She said it’s not bad enough to need fixing. Not sure what the dot in in the middle since I don’t think that was originally on the screen when I took the picture, weird. But there it is, my heart shaped uterus! It’s kind of cute right?


Next stop is the group orientation thing tomorrow night, then a lot of nothing.

Adventure Time

We had our IVF consultation today. I took my husband with me, only the second time he has ever come to the clinic. It was basically what I expected. My doctor came in to the smartly appointed office room and began to give us what sounded like a “legally obligated” speech about the risks of IVF. Bla bla bla slightly elevated risk of birth defects, bla bla bla no one is forcing you to do IVF but it’s what I suggest to give you the best odds. Bla bla bla mandatory group meeting for more information, bla bla bla lets do a sonohysterogram to look at your uterus better.

She basically decided on a middle of the road approach for me. Not too lenient because of my FSH issues, and not too heavy duty since I have shown that I respond well to stimulation. She also seemed dead set on ICSI from the start because of my husband’s sperm abnormalities. That’s a bit of a downer, maybe depending on how many eggs we pull I can convince her to try an A/B test. I’m cleared to start as early as my next CD1, starting with birth control pills. I’m on CD8 now so this cycle will have to be on our own. Who knows, maybe we’ll magically get pregnant and have to abort this entire IVF process.

Then we had to do blood draws. Something about checking for infectious diseases, and for me a genetic carrier testing. I have no issues with blood draws so I went first. They took something like 6-8 vials from me, I didn’t really count but it was a lot. My husband doesn’t do well with needles. I don’t know if it’s because he gets nervous or if his blood sugar throws things off, but when they asked him if he needed a drink or had eaten recently he mentioned that he gets funny with needles. The nurses looked at each other and laughed nervously. I guess a husband went down right before our draw. They gave hubby a package of those orange peanut butter crackers and a coke and told him they would take another person and come back for him later. He seemed pleased to get a snack. My draw was rather uncomfortable, it looked like she had the needle in sideways and felt like it was tugging through my skin. My first blood draw was pretty painless so this came as a surprise. Now several hours later my arm is somewhat sore and slightly bruised. They came back for hubby and took 2 vials from him. He did great but requested some water at the end. They rushed him a bottle of water and were pleased they wouldn’t have to scrape him off the floor.

We paid our copay and left. Next stop is the sono on Monday and the group meeting on August 15. Then silence until CD1 around August 29th. I’m actually pretty pumped to get this started. While waiting for hubby’s blood draw we joked around about having a litter of children. “Ones with spots and ones with floppy ears”. Hubby has a “fire everything” approach where he’d be happy to inject 6 embryos. I told him 3 max. My doctor says 1-2. I’m going to try to get her up to 3. I’d be happy with triplets, but I look at it more like, how can 1 of 3 not stick? Seems worth the risk, considering I don’t see it as a risk per say, just completing my family in one step.

My mood has been better lately. Maybe my brain finally cracked and got over the funk it fell in to. I think it’s because I’ve always gotten along better when I have something awesome to look forward to, usually a vacation. In this case it’s getting pregnant. A real shot at getting pregnant. Gaaaaa can we start now please???

Let’s See

My clinic randomly called me the other day to discuss IVF costs. I wasn’t expecting this phone call, I figured it would be handled Thursday or some time after. The woman on the other side of the phone must have been the clinic insurance guru. She began to tell me about what my plan looked like it would cover. Unlimited IUI and 3 IVF. That doesn’t seem right I told her. I thought it used to be 3 of each, and has since been changed to 3 total of either/or. She said she would call them and get back to me. I didn’t submit my IUI to the insurance because if they’re only going to cover 3 of something, why waste it on IUI when IVF is far less affordable out of pocket? Insurance, WTF? Y U No cover both?

She called me back promptly, apologizing, and told me I was correct. That it was a good thing I chose not to submit them. Score one for me on being super anal about understanding my policy. Though it would have been nice to get back some of that IUI money. She then decided to rattle off costs:

  • Baseline IUI with no ICSI – 4,000
  • ICSI – 1,500
  • Assisted hatching – 500
  • Embryos on ice – 600 a year up front
  • Meds – ??

I guess my insurance typically covers 50%, but will not cover lab costs or anesthesia? Wonder how much extra that will be. Who knows how much meds will end up costing. The worst part is I have to pay it all up front. Looks like it’s small loan for me! My clinic doesn’t need to know off the bat if I want to go with ICSI for the first cycle, they typically let it go au natural and convert it if it’s not going well. We have no indication about how well my husbands sperm can penetrate anything. For all we know his sperm have been champion swimmers and penetrated the eggs fine, only to not fertilize or implant. I still feel like blaming myself. I might feel a little bit better seeing that his sperm can’t penetrate my eggs. It will give me the ultimate “so THAT’S what the problem has been” feeling. ICSI will fix that and bada bing bada boom…baby. If they put his sperm with my eggs and they go in and fertilize fine, I’m going to have an “uh oh” moment. That either means his sperm could never reach the egg, or that we’ve been fertilizing all along and they never stick. I’ll feel terrible if we throw perfectly good embies into my uterus only for it to give them the cold shoulder and leave them to die. Freaking uterus. Bitch.

My husband switched back to to 4, 10 hour shifts (lets be real, he’s gone 12 hours a day) with his promotion, so for 4 days a week I rarely see him. It makes me sad because we used to go on after dinner adventures that we can’t really do anymore. He gets 3 days off now. I’m trying to swing a work from home gig with my boss, which will A) Make me less stressed, B) Give me proper time to work on my other gig for husband’s family’s website, C) Give me more time with my husband on his days off. I was going to ask him today if I could start working from home but he ended up calling in quickly to do a phone meeting. I didn’t feel right discussing that over the phone. He asked if I had any word on when I would need to be out “for surgery”, IE for egg retrieval. I told him I didn’t know yet, but I would be out all day tomorrow for appointments (I only have one but I wanted a whole day) and we both agreed that maybe we could meet Friday to discuss. I hope he goes for it, I really do. Even if I do a half office/half home every day situation it would be light years better than what I do now. I think he will be receptive to it, though part of me thinks he will get mad and dismiss it….and me. I don’t think he has much of a choice though. You can’t fire someone with a need for medical leave/adjusted schedule without finding a way to make reasonable accommodations. The same amount of work will get done, and without the added stress of being in a windowless office 7 hours a day I’ll be a better worker. It’s totally win win for everyone.

I’ve been feeling slightly less sad lately. Normally I find some reason to get teary every day. I haven’t cried for 2 WHOLE DAYS! That’s a new record. I think between the second job bringing in much needed income and the prospect of working from home, it just makes me happy. Maybe not happy, but less worried. It’s a start.

Head First

Right on cue, the cosmic disappointment train pulled into station on Thursday. I knew it was coming once my false alarm tests faded out. I called in to alert my clinic and tell them that I was moving on to IVF. When the nurse confirmed I got my period she gave off an audible “awww”. My face crinkled at hearing that. Does she feel sorry for me? She said that in order to start IVF there would be tests for both my husband and I, and a consultation. I wonder what kind of tests. I know what I’m getting myself into, I mean who the hell shrugs off something like IVF. It’s not as if I woke up that morning and was like “yeah I think I want to have IVF!”.

So the consultation is on Thursday. Yeah yeah I know what’s in store. A whole “lets redo the blood work and sperm analysis” I bet. I don’t even care. I know my FSH is going to be crazy high. I has to be after 3 months of Clomid. Fuck the numbers, who cares. Just give me the drugs, I’ll stab myself as many times as it takes.

While at my weekly Wednesday meetings with my boss, I couldn’t bring myself to ask for a work from home situation. I simply stated that a lot of my recent doctors appointments have pointed to me needing an adjusted schedule, including time off for minor surgery in the near future. Then I started sniffling. Thank goodness he had tissues on his desk. I simply grabbed one and dabbed my eyes, looking down and away. It’s bad when I can’t even bring myself to barely touch on the subject without getting teary. My boss seemed empathetic, even though he has no idea why I have doctor’s appointments. I’m sure because of legal reasons he chooses not to ask. He told me some BS story that made no sense about an Amish woman getting struck by lightening. Like WTF, was that supposed to make me feel better? I hope after Thursday I’ll have an actual schedule, or some idea of one so I can finally make my request and get on the road to not being so depressed.

I decided to get back into making jewelry. What better subject matter then making a fertility bracelet? I researched gems that are said to be good for fertility, ordered genuine gemstone beads, and plan to make a charm bracelet. I haven’t made jewelry in years but I’m pretty excited to make them. Since I don’t cheap out on materials I’ll barely make a profit on each one at 35 dollars. It’s not about the profit though, it’s about helping other people in my situation.

I’m still in quite a funk. I’m excited about IVF, but pretty scared that even this will fail. What then? Either way, my life will never be the same. I’ll either have the baby of my dreams, or I’ll forever be without a biological child. So much at stake…

What is the point?

I pondered on my way back from the post office on my lunch break. What is the point of my existence? I’m fairly lazy and I don’t currently produce anything that contributes to society. Sure, I have a job, a job I don’t think I’m very good at and everyone probably wishes I would leave so some one better can be hired. I don’t do anything. I don’t procreate. I survive. That is all. I exist simply to exist until I die. I exist to use resources and make other people deal with my short comings. I’m sure if “It’s A Wonderful Life” happened to me I’d commit suicide, because everyone would be better off if I didn’t exist.

I try to follow my own life beliefs, centering around “everything happens for a reason”. Slowly that motto I held so high is dissolving. There is no rhyme or reason, no carefully crafted order by some cosmic flow. Nothing. We’re all just ignorant blobs of matter. Psychotic apes inhabiting a primitive dirtball hurling through space.

My mental capacity is dwindling. I’ve lost most of my mind. I decided to take some online depression screenings and sure enough, I must be depressed. I’m irritable, lack concentration, I just can’t care about anything, and I feel completely worthless and lost. People I used to reach out to and try to make plans with I’ve simple abandoned. I don’t have the energy or drive to want to reach out to anyone anymore. I’ve regressed to a child like state. I want my hand held. I want someone else to lead me through my life. I don’t want to make decisions, I want to be told. I’ve lost my creativity.

I’m going to ask my boss if I can start working from home from now on. This depression cloud I come to work with every day certainly isn’t helping anyone. If I can be at home I’ll be slightly happier, and if I’m slightly happier maybe I’ll be a better worker. I really want to be a better worker, it’s just that there are too many other things weighing on my mind that I don’t have the power to clear out for 7 hours a day. It’s just. too. hard. Plus with IVF coming up (yes, my tests faded off again, false alarm) and the injection schedule…and the appointments…and the ER…how can I even come in to work? I’m afraid I’ll get fired. As much as that alarms me, I can’t care. It’s pretty sad that faces with losing your job you can’t even care. I mean what can I do? I can’t continue coming here every day while my depression swallows me whole going through the hardest thing in my life thus far. Yet without a job….how can I afford the IVF? I’m stuck. So stuck. I’m just a drain on society. Sure, I put on a brave face. I smile, I laugh, I cook dinner, I do the dishes, I do the laundry, I find simple joy in thrifting and spending time with my husband….but the entire time the stony face of gloom is sitting in the back of my mind. It’s there when I wake up in the morning. It’s there when I go to sleep. It’s never gone, just sometimes overridden. Sometimes I just want a hug for no reason. Sometimes I cry. Actually I cry just about every day. Not gagging, screaming cries. Just soft, silent, tears welling up in my eyes and occasionally stinging my cheeks. I cry at my office….every day. I’m crying right now. The sadness is always there, no matter what face I put on.

I hurt my foot a few days ago. I think I smacked it on something. I honestly don’t remember. All I remember is climbing into bed to watch TV, wondering why my foot hurt. My toe really. I contemplated being given a choice: get your toe nail ripped off, and you get pregnant next month. I cringed at the thought of having to choose. I’m sure I’d choose getting my toe nail ripped off. Later that night I went to the bathroom and finally looked at my foot. One of my toe nails HAD been ripped off. Well, 95% ripped off, it looks like there might still be a little left. It was still hanging on by a little bit. I just grabbed it and ripped it off, which didn’t hurt. It’s pretty sensitive now. I ripped my toe nail off….can I have a baby now?

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