85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Archive for September, 2012

The story of us

As promised, a story of how my husband and I met.

I had been working at the local Chuck E Cheese, why? Because when I got the job in late 2004 I was dating a boy, G, who had friends who worked there and got us both a job. He quit within a few months and we broke up shortly after. G was a terrible boyfriend. He cheated on me constantly and then lied about it when confronted. After we broke up he would do everything in his power to home wreck every relationship I got into. G is a dick, but when you’re 16 you don’t realize these things.

So I worked at CEC for about 8 months before the store got a new store manager from a location an hour away. He recruited several of his best employees to come with him and get my store in tip top shape. Months without a real manager had turned us into shitty employees. We completely resented the new manager and his crew of cronies, including J, my would be husband. I was very open with my hatred of J, and my resentment of his power. His initials are JS, and I would frequently complete the S with “ucks”…JSucks, because it was common to write your name on your drink cup in the break room.

I wasn’t looking for love really. I had been on a few dates since G, but none of them really stuck. I would always lament my singality to my coworkers. J was a funny boy. He would tease me in the most playful manor, making me get angry and shoving my resentment back in my face. J presented a challenge. Part of me felt like J might like me. I wondered why, considering all I ever did was give him shit. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about J. About 3 months after J started working at my store, a coworker decided to play cupid. Against my will he decided to tell J that I liked him, which at the time I was unsure of my feelings. I think this coworker knew J liked me and would take the bait. I was mortified.

J began to take a heightened interest in me from this point on. I enjoyed his attention, and he let me into his world. I actually began to like him the more I got to know him. I agreed on a few dates, and a month or so later we decided to make it official, on September 26, 2005. Things accelerated from there as I grew more attached to him. I knew I wanted to marry him and wasn’t shy about letting him know. Sometime in November of 2006 he gave me my ring. We moved to Florida in July of 2007 and got married on our 2 year anniversary in front of the courts in 07. We had a low key wedding on the beach in March of 2008.

Now the next big chapter is starting our family, and I’m so freaking determined to make that happen. I want to make my husband a father and have his babies. It’s so visceral.

We plan on going to Chuck E Cheese for lunch tomorrow. We would go tonight but it’s Weds and he normally works his 8-7 shift, then comes home for 2 hours and goes back out to work overnight. He works so hard to make sure he can provide for me, knowing that once I have a child I likely won’t be going back to work. Although it would be nice to have an evening with him, I have a whole day tomorrow to enjoy.

I love my husband, that is all!

Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots

And this time it’s of the alcoholic variety! Just like I said my last post, I needed to get drunk before having all this go down. Once I start taking my shots of the sharp and pointy type, I’m not going to drink at all. I rarely drink as it is, but having an occasional night out is never a bad thing. I figure if I’m successful in this, I won’t be drinking for a very long time.

My long time friend who recently moved about 10 minutes away invited me to the local folk music festival, which is just an excuse for a bar crawl while listening to people play music at each one. With 20 dollars in my pocket, we set off around 8. I was back by midnight, very, very drunk. I only had a PBR, a long island iced tea, a lady gaga shot (no idea but it came with a handful of cotton candy!) and a cherry bomb. You know it’s a good night when you can’t stop giggling while your friend orders at the McDonald’s drive through.

Unfortunately I forgot to take my birth control before leaving…oops! Not that it matters, I’ve started bleeding a week early. I wonder what that will mean for IVF. I guess it means a whole extra week to build a healthy lining since it’s emptying out early. Or maybe it means my lining will be a week older at the time of implantation. I really have no idea what to think. Maybe it means nothing at all!

I came home and my husband gave me my anniversary present early. It was a Halo 3 Xbox 360 that he swapped my Xbox’s guts into. I’ve always wanted one just because it was green and gold, like Master Chief! He even got the matching controller and swapped my hard drive into the matching gold hard drive case. Every last detail was taken care of. I really appreciated it! I also gave him his gift a week ago. I got a major garage sale score of a 6 foot tall Donkey Kong Super Nintendo cardboard display standee and a plastic tote filled to the brim with empty Super Nintendo game boxes in pristine condition. A hunk of cardboard and some empty boxes. He loved it! We’re such nerds, but I guess that’s why we work well together. We’ve planned on having our 5 year anniversary dinner at Chuck E Cheese. Why? We met there, we worked together, we dated, had our first kiss, all within the walls of a Chuck E Cheese. Ah amore…. I guess I’ll save all that story for a post on my anniversary.

ICLW Super Happy Funtime

So I joined the ICLW for September. I’ve had this blog since March, how could I possibly go this long without knowing this existed??

I suppose I should sum up my blog thus far…. I’ll keep this post pinned at the top through the week.

  • Me: 24 – 10.4 FSH with minor heart shaped uterus, never been pregnant, normal BMI
  • Hubs: 27 – delayed ejaculation, 3% strict morphology, but good count and motility, overweight BMI
  • Old fashioned way with OPKs and BBT for a year, nothing but negs
  • 3 IUI May-July, nothing but negs
  • First IVF cycle in progress – stims start 10/2

I’m a director of marketing in a tiny office, and I resent my job and my boss. I’m full of anger over what’s happening to me and have largely pulled away from most of my friends and family. I have an existential crisis at least 3x weekly if not more where I question my purpose on this earth and wonder if I’ll ever have my own child. I find myself depressed and shut down constantly because at 24, IVF is the last thing I thought I’d have to go through. I don’t take anything seriously, even when I should. I try to be as humorous as possible because that’s all you can do when you’re in this kind of place.

I like video games, thrifting, my 3 dogs and kitty, and I’m obsessed with the color green.

Yep, I think that sums it up.

Make it so, number 1

Ah Captain Picard, why can’t you be real?

My consent signing was yesterday. My husband and I were left alone in a room to look over a stack of papers and sign them without them being explained. Most of it dealt with what to do with embryos. It was a no brainer, freeze them of course! The other things could be summed up as “IVF fucking sucks and you’re going to be a crabby witch for a while and that’s cool, just don’t sue us.” There was also a mention about how I’m more likely to die in a car accident in the next year than I am to die from anything in my IVF process. That’s reassuring, I guess?

After I signed my life away my doctor came in with yet another new face. I swear she has a stable of med students that follow her around like cattle. I don’t put any effort into remembering them since I rarely see them twice. She signed where she needed to on my forms and swiftly left, sending in the IVF nurse to give me a live demonstration of injectable meds and go over my calendar of events.

Looks like I continue birth control through 9/27, which is CD28. I’m totally confused since A) I’ve already begun bleeding and B) She handed me 5 extra BC pills because she seemed to think my pack was going to run out on 9/23. I’m on Nora Be, is there a full week of sugar pills on that that I’m not aware of? I was on Yaz years prior and the inactive pills were a totally different color, and I’m pretty sure there were only 5 of them. Whatever, I’ll stop using what is left in my pack on 9/23 and take the 5 extras she gave me. Then I come in on 10/2, CD 3, for the real fun. Ultrasound and blood levels, the usual. I get to start my evening shots of Gonal F and Ganirelix, folic acid supplement, doxycycline twice daily, (purely prophylactic for both my husband and I), aspirin, and dexamethasone, because apparently I am a man. So that’s 5 pills and 2 shots daily. Seems like a lot but not really. ER will be somewhere between 10/11 and 10/14, which would put my 5 day transfer at 10/19 at the latest.

The IVF nurse showed me how to mix my injectables and the right places to stab myself. It didn’t look overly complicated, just draw up X amount of water, mix it with the powder in the vial, draw it back up, push extra out to remove air bubbles and STABBY STAB STAB. Easy peasy right? She kept refering to my husband when she talked about the progesterone shots. My husband immediately bowed out, there’s no way he can do it. He’s incredible squeamish and unsteady. Luckily that is not a problem since my clinic will shoot me up every day free of charge, huzza! I’m not terribly needle shy, but it’s not like I’ve ever voluntarily stabbed myself. It can’t be that hard, junkies do it and they seem pretty shaky. If some crack head can shoot up with a used needle in a rest stop bathroom, then damn it so can I!

I left with a nifty free faux leather travel case for my drugs, my calendar, and an appointment for 10/2. My fee for this appointment? $5,500. My clinic requires payment in full at the IVF consent signing. In my case it’s $4,000 for a baseline IVF and $1,500 for ICSI. Fairly affordable if I do say so. Once my insurance picks it up I should get a check for half of that amount back. I had to max out my 2 credit cards that are always empty, pay 500 out of my bank account, and put 1600 on a joint card with my husband. It WOULD have all been on one card but the lady at the bank is being a bitch. I went in there 10 days before hand to get either a loan or a credit card for the amount I needed. I told her specifically that I needed the money by 9/20 and I didn’t want a credit card unless I could for sure get it in time. We got one before through them and it was approved in 2 days and we had a card within a week. She takes my information and sends it away for processing. I hear nothing ever again. I call her after 2 days for an update and I get blown off saying “yeah it’s in underwriting I’ll let you know BYE”. It’s been almost 2 weeks now My husband and I have stellar credit so I don’t know what the hold up is. What the fuck ever. At least I had emergency space on our joint card to put the extra 1600 that I didn’t have. The cost to balance transfer everything over now will be several hundred dollars so fuck that. I guess I just keep an empty card for next time. Grumble Grumble.

Remember how I was all excited about making and selling my fertility bracelets? REMEMBER? Yeah well that has fizzled. Not a single one has sold and only one watcher on my ebay listing. I know I know, I should be selling on Etsy, and I will. It still makes me sad that no one has bought one. They must be uglier then I thought. I mean come on people, it’s pure sterling silver AND 100% natural gemstones that aren’t dyed OR fake. You can find them here.

So I guess I have another week of freedom before this roller coaster ride takes off. I must make plans to get plastered, since if all goes well I won’t be able to for quite a long time. SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS…..that song has taken on a completely new meaning to me.

Obligitory drug post

I got my 7lb box of drugs yesterday. It’s like the shittiest version of Christmas ever.

Image

So much drugs.

I also got my hair done, even got a green extension put in because why the fuck not. For some reason I can’t get a good picture of it. Now that I have my drugs there’s nothing going on until the 20th. In the mean time I have to go beg for 5 grand to front for all the other IVF stuff. We have good credit, I don’t think it will be a problem. It still sucks that some emotionally disconnected banker holds the fate of your future children in their fat, sweaty hands.

As for my work from home, my boss seems to have confused himself over what I hoped work from home would become. He was hearing “work from home = work from home as needed” like if I get sick. I was saying “work from home = all the god damn time” because there is no physical reason I should have to sit in a windowless office when I can lay in my bed and do it from home. We compromised to work from home afternoons. Whatever, the less time in this office the better.

_________Danger, Will Robinson: Huge off topic bitch fest ahead__________

I know I sound like a naggy mc complain pants, but seriously, no one else could put up with my job. There’s a reason my boss/the presidents own kids have briefly worked here then peaced the fuck out. They have no interest in working for or taking over their father’s company. We don’t even have a sales person anymore because they keep quitting. Yet NO ONE seems to believe me! My own husband keeps bringing up the fact that I tend to complain about everything. He keeps saying “oh you really love your job you just like complaining”. It pisses me the fuck off. I don’t love my job, I love collecting a pay check. Sure, there are parts I do enjoy, but those parts are not the only parts of my job. For every Google Analytics or graphic design project there are 10 other BS projects that A) Are set up to fail or B) Have no purpose. I like the fact that I can manipulate this job to suit my needs in a way that I doubt I could with other companies, but that’s about it.

Like seriously. Imagine working a job where you get no training. You’re just expected to know what everything is and how everything works right from the get go, and if you make a mistake because no one ever told you different you get a stern lecture. You’re constantly sent cryptic messages that you have to ask for clarification on 2-3 times before you finally understand what it is you need to be doing. You send emails only for them not to get read or completely ignored and asked for again a few days later. You know that task A needs to be completed before task B, and task B before task C. Your boss wants you to start on C, ignore A and B, even though C is almost guaranteed to fail without the help of A and B. Nearly everything you work on will be C projects because he’s convinced A and B are fine, then wonders why things constantly fail. Your boss randomly latches on to some product that barely relates to your main product, and decide to pour your resources into reselling it, meanwhile the main company selling it has better marketing, better SEO, better content, and better customer service. It’s an uphill battle, why bother competing…WHEN WE CAN’T EVEN SUCCEED AND BEING #1 FOR OUR MAIN PRODUCT IN OUR SMALL SALES REGION?! He has ADD. We never stick with something long enough to learn it and master it. He’s always on to the newest and the greatest. Can we focus on one thing at a time please? I know shit is falling apart and that literally everything needs to be fixed, but we can’t fix it all at the same time, especially when there’s only one person dealing with it.

I’m constantly frustrated by the old school decisions the president makes in company direction. I need to build cred, so let’s start prominently featuring our high profile customers. Because that’s what literally every company does. NOPE, we can’t do that because “someone will see them and try to steal them away from us”. Seriously, wtf. Call to action = a phone call? These people don’t even know who we are because we’re mining a database so old it’s filled with mummies. There’s no amount of marketing I can do in a short amount of time that is going to convince those people to pick up a phone and call us. For a large chunk of those people, no amount of marketing is going to make them pick up a phone and make first contact. It’s not feasible.

Also we’re working on a big product launch that I really feel has a chance of working because it’s our most popular product line by a landslide. He brought in some guy who rarely makes appearances at the office. This same guy also badgered me into having lunch with him. I have no idea where he found this guy, but he’s getting on my nerves lately too. He’s basically being the brains and I’m the brawn. He’ll say something like “we need to build a website”….Heather, go figure out everything that needs to be done to make that happen. “We need a brochure”…I know you don’t have direct experience working with this product but go ahead and make a professional 3 page brochure about it, all the graphics, copy, layout, all you. He has these broad ideas that he has not done ANY physical work on. They see it as me broadening my horizons and learning new things. I’m totally for learning new things and broadening my horizons, this is just not the way to do it. I have never built a website, yet I’m supposed to build one from scratch, by my fucking self. Just use the internet and learn. I learn better when someone else is there to help me. I’m constantly left to fend for myself and it’s getting overwhelming. I could understand if I was given ONE big project to learn to do. I could handle that. But pile 5 on me at once, and they aren’t even in the same line of work, I’m going to get cranky, frustrated, and burned out. Pretty much exactly what is happening now.

YET on the flip side, the work I’m doing for my husband’s family is going swimmingly. It’s in a totally different sector (B2C instead of B2B), it’s a single product, it has a single market who are dying to get their hands on it, and the website looks modern and clean instead of the circa 2003 website we’re running. I generated 2,000 dollars in sales in the first week through my adwords campaign for this product, yet I struggle to get clicks to any of the ads for this job. I always knew I was destined for B2C branding/product marketing. B2B lead generation is not for the young marketer.

Maybe some day I can get into a position that really clicks with my learning and work style. Until then I’m going to be a naggy mc complain pants.

What then?

So I just got the call from my pharmacy. I held my breath for the cost. Of course, he waited until he listed out all my drugs to give me a cost. Looks like I’ll be getting:

Gonal F, Menopur, Ganirelix, Hcg, Valium (for the transfer, though I won’t need it), Vicodin (again, idk why but I already have a huge stash, just going to add it to it) Medrol, Folic Acid, PIO, and Doxycycline.

“You have stellar insurance. Your drugs cost about 6 grand, but your total bill is $294.53.” Hot damn! At least now all I have to worry about is fronting the money for IVF, which is about 6 grand. Insurance should pay half so I’ll be left to worry about 3 grand. That’s very doable.

Now, on with the show!

___________________________________________________________________________________

One of my co workers stormed into my office this morning. She accurately summed up exactly what’s wrong with my company.

“You know what really chaps my ass? We’re supposed to be experts in (product), know how to make (product) work for other companies, yet our (product) doesn’t even work!! How am I supposed to get anything done today?”

I’ve been saying all along that my position at this tiny company just isn’t working. I have no choice but to stay. I need money for IVF, I have no interest in working full time at another company doing the same thing, and I’m going to be working from home as soon as Friday. Why would I leave it to go sit in a cubicle at another company? So I just have to suck it up and deal with it.

The entire thing is making me wonder…what’s next? Ok, so let’s say I get pregnant this cycle. I’ll be overjoyed of course, but what then? We planned to escape to Florida to be with family that we actually enjoy, and live in a house worth living in. Happily ever after. Right?

Now that my husband is back in school, we will need to stick around for 2 years while he finishes. Ok, I could do 2 years….if we lived in a nicer house. Our house needs a ton of work still. I haven’t been in one of our bedrooms for at least a year because it’s filled with construction supplies. We have nasty wood floors that have seen better days, desperately need carpet and trim, our siding is covered in peeling paint, our concrete stairs are broken and sinking, The railroad ties lining the driveway are falling over, something was wrong with the way my husband redid the upstairs bathroom because it leaks into the basement every time someone takes a shower, the basement is a complete pig stye filled with my husband’s game reselling business and endless piles of construction supplies in the laundry room. Get the picture? It’s hardly the clean, picturesque house I pictured raising a family in. I tried to tell my husband that A) Fixing it up to sell it is stupid because the neighborhood can only hold so much value and we’re basically just giving away free money that we don’t have. B) Someone will buy it in the condition it’s in, we sure did. and C) We don’t have the money or time to fix it to the state that he feels it will be sellable. It’s easier to throw it to the wolves and accept less for it than gamble with money we DON’T HAVE AND WON’T HAVE BECAUSE WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A CHILD. While he’s an excellent husband and provider, when it comes to the house he treats me like I have no idea what I’m talking about. Mark my words, I’ll be trapped in that stupid house that I didn’t want forever. Also I’m not really cool with my parents, and I KNOW everyone is going to force their way into my bubble to visit “their grandbaby”. I honestly don’t want them to come see the baby at all. Moving to Florida would keep them away from me while allowing me to raise my child around a not insane family unit that I enjoy spending time with.

Ok, so lets say I have a child, and I do get the perfect house I want. What if I hate my child? As stupid as it sounds, it’s a real fear! While laying awake the night before my parents came to visit I googled around for “is it normal to hate your family” and got a lot of posts about people feeling guilty for not liking their children. Just as I don’t like my parents for my own reasons, people do in fact grow to dislike their kids! No one wanted to hate their kids, but they didn’t turn out as expected. I can be a pretty cold and hateful person, so it scared me to think that I have the capacity to dislike my own children. Plus what if I have a child that looks and acts just like my brother. My mom did! My brother is the spitting image of my late uncle. Right down to the lanky look and social awkwardness. My first friend to get pregnant in high school ended up having a child that, in my opinion, looks very similar to her brother. Neither her nor her baby daddy wore glasses but her child does. So does her brother. I would absolutely scream if I had a baby like my brother.

So that gets me thinking. What if cosmos knows this? What if cosmos knows I’d be miserable every day raising a child like that, or what if cosmos knows I’d be destined to have some sort of mentally handicapped child? Another type I would not be able to emotionally handle. What if cosmos is just sparing me the pain and making it so I can’t have one at all? What if?

Ok, so what if I get pregnant, have the perfect house, and the child I always dreamed of. What then? What am I going to do with my life then? I already know I can’t do daycare, so it’s not like I can work for a while. Living on one income will be hard. I still have no idea what I want to DO with my life and where I want my career to go or not go. I’m not sure I want to work full time. I’ve said plenty of times I’m just vehemently against the stupid archaic 40 hour work week, 30 is more my speed. It’s hard to find those rare jobs and companies that “get it”. If I get to a point where I want to work close to full time, what am I going to do to make sure I don’t fall back into a job I hate? it’s all so scary.

I guess I hope life just falls into place and I get everything I always dreamed of. The infinite unknown drives me insane. There is absolutely no way of predicting the future or planning out what’s going to happen because life doesn’t lend itself to planning. I just have to trust that this is going to work. It’s scary, plain and simple. I’m scared.

Too Close For Comfort

I’ve been terribly exhausted the last 3 days. Not tired enough to fall asleep, but not enough energy to really get anything done. My parents forced their way over for a visit, along with my forever alone 27 year old brother who still lives with them. They took us out to eat and left. I honestly just wanted to sleep, sleeping would have been more productive.

I know I should feel something for my family, but I just don’t. I grew up into my own independent person. I see them as some people I happen to know and don’t really have anything in common with, and certainly don’t “love” or have any real compassion for. It feels bad to feel that way but I can’t change the past. I don’t feel I was raised correctly at all. The fact that my brother has no friends and has never had a girl friend should be indicative of the kind of hazardous upbringing we had. Normal people don’t turn out this way…

My CD3 appointment was this morning. Getting out of bed was quite the hassle, who makes morning appointments anyway? The waiting room was crowded, and I waited a half hour for a simple 1 vial blood draw and my birth control prescription. The nurse this time actually let me choose which arm to take the blood from, a first! I gladly gave her my left, which has perfect veins and never hurts.

By the time I left it was 9:30, and the pharmacy didn’t open until 10. I just went home and laid down, no success in falling back asleep. I decided to get back up an hour later and go run some errands. I also planned on calling my clinic because I completely forgot to ask about my protocol. I had no idea how long I’d be on pills, when to get my meds, what’s next, etc. We’re planning to visit Florida the last week in October, and the IVF is going to run right down to the wire with that.

Out of the blue while driving around I get a phone call from….my clinic! It was the IVF nurse asking if I had filed my prescription yet. I said no, which made her happy. She was switching me to progestin only pills because of my clotting disorder. She would call it in for me, and I was fine with that. I asked her about my protocol, to which she explained that the next step would be on the 20th to sign my release forms, and she would call in and order my meds with the pharmacy that handles their IVF meds and have them shipped to me, same as the HCG shots I had been getting. It looks like I’ll have the 5 day transfer at the latest just days before leaving for my trip. I should still be able to go! Hurray!

So I guess there’s nothing really going on for the next 18 days besides waiting for a random call from the pharmacy demanding some monies I don’t have. That will be fun…

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