85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Archive for October, 2012

Back in time and good to go

This week in Florida is just what I needed to relax. It was an amazing week with the part of my family that I really love, which is hard for me to say since I’m not very lovey or open with my own family, but that’s because they are literally insane and raised me at an arms length. I’m the type of person who enjoys a little babying and pampering, and I feel like that is exactly how this week went. I couldn’t thank my husband’s aunt and grandma enough for the experience. It was overwhelmingly nice for them to pay for our trip, treat us to dinner, and even take us kayaking, while opening their home (their large….gorgeous home on a canal) to us. I tried my best to pay it back by tending to their dogs (one old timer and one 4 month old puppy), and grooming their older dog’s feet and nails. It was the least I could do to show my gratitude. I’m not very good with thank yous….but I try. I can’t wait to go back. For good. My husband said it best… “it felt like we were home for 5 days”. Coming home to hurricane weather from sunshine and warmth was not fun either. That was cruel.

I had my doctor’s appointment this morning to check on my side kick cyst. I wasn’t sure what to expect, knowing my luck my estrogen would have surged back up for no apparent reason other than to fuck everything up some more. I have to say, whatever med student she brought in was very gentle with the wand, a rare occurrence. I watched her measure what appeared to be tiny cysts on my LEFT ovary, while she muttered “not really worried about that”. Could have been follicles growing, who knows. Then we shift to the right and I hold my breath. I don’t see anything at first, then catch a glimpse of what looks to be a tiny football shaped cyst. “It’s deflating! See how it’s kind of squished?” my doctor says excitedly. Indeed. The cyst has shrunk and deflated since last visit. I notice something new. I think Doc M is PREGNANT. Either she’s pregnant or somehow is stuffing a lot of stuff in her sweater pockets. How unusual. I wonder if having a pregnant doctor will benefit me. I got my blood draw shortly after, which was the most painful one to date, no idea why. IVF nurse was commending me for being so patient, and hoping this would be it.

As soon as I sit down to start this blog I get my results. ALL CLEAR! Estrogen is low, cyst was collapsing, I’m good to start injections on Saturday! I know better than to get my hopes up, everything that can go wrong typically does. It’s a miracle anyone gets born. You’d think IVF would be a sure thing, but until you dive into it you have NO IDEA just how many things can go wrong and completely derail your perfect plans. Next check is in a week. No more pills, and 3 injections. If all keeps on schedule this time my ER will be around the 12th. That would put my 5 day transfer on my mom’s birthday. At least I think it’s her birthday, I honestly forget if it’s the 17th or the 19th. I’m a terrible daughter. I’m terrible with birthdays in general.

It’s starting to get exciting again….the rush of possible motherhood returning. Awww yiss.Image

Well duh…

Went in for my appointment yesterday, knowing the cyst would still be there. There wasn’t a hint of optimism in my mind. There’s just nothing in the logic that would show me a cyst disappearing in 2 weeks. Doc M waved her magic wand, and before she could even tell me what I was seeing on the screen, I saw for myself. Cyst, cyst, cyst! Still there, same size and everything. It didn’t even budge. I’m not sure why 2 weeks of birth control was supposed to help.

I told Doc M about reading the drug pamphlet that came with my pills, about how ovarian cysts are a noted side effect. She kind of seemed bewildered and confused. I asked if I could pleaaaaase try a new pill because Nora Be is garbage. She said yes. Instead of putting me on a combo pill (she refused) I’m going to be on provera, which isn’t technically a birth control. Oh well, if it works it works, at least it isn’t Nora Be and I won’t be bleeding every other week! I just want this damn cyst to go away so I can get on with my life. I was passed off to get a blood draw for estrogen. As I entered the room 3 nurses were looking over my chart and debating what sounded like dosage amount on my prescribed provera. “Why 10mg, Doc Z normally does 30mg, this doesn’t make sense”. They went to ask my doctor for clarification. I guess the final call comes when my estrogen comes back. I have yet to fill my prescription or receive a phone call with instructions.

Also over the past few days my dog L has developed a hot spot on his ass. I got him a cone of shame to keep him from chewing it raw. Luckily I have anti itch cream from the recent vet visit for my other dog T. I diluted it with water and sprayed it on his boo boo, since he wouldn’t let me touch it. Dog T is starting to get greasy again, and her itch never really went away, just slightly subsided. At least dog S is doing fine. Kitty D is fine except for an incident that happened earlier in the week. He wouldn’t come out of his litter box, and when I finally got him out he kept dragging his ass around. I noticed a poop stuck in his butt. Upon closer inspection it was not a poop, it was part of his yarn ribbon dancer thing. He fucking ate it, and is now pooping it out. What. The. Fuck. I had my husband hold him and I grabbed the string. In an instant it pulled right out of him without sticking. It was freaking nasty, at least 12 inches of poop covered flat yarn. I don’t even know how he ate it in the first place.

Also I randomly developed debilitating tooth sensitivity in a previously filled tooth. It had been noticeable for 2 months now, but easily tolerated. Over the last 48 hours it exploded to the point that drinking cold anything or eating on that side was like being struck by lightning in the mouth. My dentist was able to see me this morning and put some sort of bitter salve on it, saying it’s likely I have a tiny crack in the tooth because the filling is fine. The salve was cured and I was sent on my way. It seems to have made a difference. It’s no longer debilitating, and back down to about the original tolerable level of pain. Hopefully it will last at least through vacation.

I leave for vacation tomorrow, it couldn’t have come at a better time. Actually it could have come at a slightly better time, I’m missing the annual college town Halloween bar crawl this Saturday. I’ve gone with my long time friend for the past 3 years. It’s absolute pandemonium and the streets are clogged with throngs of college kids in costumes, all waiting in line to get drunk. I had a great idea for a costume too but I guess it will wait for next year. Hopefully I can make up for the lack of alcohol on vacation.

Edit: Of course the clinic calls during or just after my blog posts! I got my estrogen levels back. I wasn’t initially told what they were last week, but Doc M grumbled about how high they were, so I assumed really, really bad. IVF nurse called to tell me “good news everyone” (yes, you should read that in Professor Farnsworth’s voice). I guess my estrogen is at like 36? It was apparently at like 102 last draw so over 3 weeks it came down considerably. I’m not sure why that’s good since the whole estrogen/cyst thing was never explained. I go again next Tuesday morning to see what happens, while staying on Nora Be, not provera. I guess maybe once my estrogen bottoms out we can ignore the cyst and start injectables? Please, I hope so!


Place Your Bets

I honestly feel like gambling on whether or not my IVF will get started on Monday. I’d put my money on no, that there’s still a cyst or something else will come up. It’s just my luck really. This birth control is horrible, I bleed every other week and it gives me freaking cysty mc cyst cysts. If I still have a cyst on Monday, or the cyst has switched sides my doctor better watch the fuck out. Hell hath no fury like a woman ready to get this show on the road. I know she’s just trying to have her own back on this and make sure I don’t clot and die, but I was on Yaz for a freaking year with no ill effects. It’s not going to kill me to go on a drug that has a lower risk of cysts for a little while. Nora Be, more like Nora BEYOTCH amirght?

I leave for vacation on Weds. For some reason the pre vacation excitement period has never materialized. Usually before a big trip I bask in the glow of “oh well, today was shitty but VACATION SOON”…for months ahead of time! This time around, nothing. I think it’s because A) I’m vacationing in a place I used to live, B) I’m not going to want to leave, and C) IVF impatience ruins the joy in everything. I know the joy will kick in Tuesday for sure, but once the Monday I come back rolls around I’m going to be a mess. Unless of course this Monday goes well and I’ll be sliding home to my IVF happening. That would be freaking awesome.

In other news, one of my dogs might finally be getting the treatment she needs. My youngest dog has been a greasy gross itchy mess for what seems like forever. You can’t pet her without your hand smelling like burned popcorn, and she’s always after herself. I finally decided to hell with the cost, she needed to see a real dog dermatologist. The doctor took a skin scraping and promptly came back telling us she was covered in yeast. A simple test none of the other vets tried on her! Apparently she is somehow naturally predisposed to getting oily, the oil proliferates yeast, the yeast makes her itchy, the itchy spreads the yeast, the yeast makes her more oily, more oily = more yeast…endless cycle of misery. I was given anti fungal shampoo, anti yeast pills, and anti itch lotion. Once the yeast is under control she might have to continue taking the anti yeast pills for the rest of her life, unless we can uncover what makes her so oily in the first place. If it’s genetic there’s nothing we can fix, but there’s also the chance it’s an allergic reaction or a hormonal issue. I’m going to take matters into my own hands and change her diet. She’s on a 4 star rated dog food right now, so it’s not a matter of her being on crappy food. I’m going to put her on a limited ingredient turkey/potato formula and see how she does. Turkey and potatoes are basically the only thing NOT in the food she eats now. Both of my boy dogs itch somewhat, it’s hard to tell if that’s anything to be concerned about considering both of them have healthy fluffy coats. If my girl does well on the food I’ll switch them too.

I’ve done SO GOOD saving money! I cut back on any spending on frivolous things and have been using my ebay earnings to pay for groceries and little trinkets, while letting my real job money pile up in my bank account. I’m maybe 2 weeks away from paying off the estimated 2500 dollars I’ll owe after insurance on my IVF in one fell swoop. Feels good man. How sad would it be if I pay off my IVF before it even happens?

The Mania

It’s amazing just how much my mood inwardly swings from day to day. Let’s be real, from hour to hour really. I’ve done a very good job at keeping the crazy internalized. If someone asked my husband how normal I seem he’d probably shrug and say “she seems fine”. Meanwhile my mind is racing a mile a minute for no reason at all. Fast at work analyzing every little sign that doesn’t really exist and agonizing about details that don’t really matter.

Trying to find logic amidst chaos, trying to make reasons where there are none. Why? Why? Tell em’ that is human nature…. to borrow a line from Michael Jackson. Anyway, I’m starting to feel like life is trying to tell me that I’m going to end up adopting. I’m not sure why. It seems like there’s just been a lot of subtle little appearances of adoption topics in my day to day life that I can’t help but pick up on and label “look what life is trying to tell me!”

I’m just so frustrated, scared, and overwhelmed lately. With my carefully laid IVF plans already starting to crumble, it’s hard to be hopeful. When I got my fresh pack of pills I poured over the pamphlet that comes with it. You know, the one with directions and warnings? Couldn’t help but notice the warning about ovarian cysts. Apparently POP pills put you at a higher risk for them. I want to punch a wall. I didn’t have a cyst before going on the pill, the pills GAVE ME a cyst. And what does my doctor do to make the cyst go away? PUT ME BACK ON THEM FOR 3 WEEKS. Oh hey you have a burning building, let me throw these gasoline bombs inside so the fire can rage so hard it puts itself out. FLAWLESS LOGIC! Not to mention is has given me dull leg pain and random tingling in my toes. If I developed a freaking cyst the first time, what makes her think there won’t be one at this next check on the 22nd? There has to be a better solution to birth control for IVF protocols.

***Deep Dark Pit-o-Despair Ahead***

In addition to the overwhelming feeling that I will never have a child, I also have to contend with the feeling that I will be an awful parent. I feel like I lack the ability to not be such a shitty person all the time. I think it’s because I have no idea what a normal childhood should be. I grew up hating my parents because they were physically and mentally abusive to me. It’s the sole reason I turned out the way I did. Shy and hateful towards ignorance. I always felt like my mom sided with my dad instead of her kids. Whenever something would set him off (which could be something as simple as the counter being sticky or there not being a twist tie on the bread) and he’d come after us my mom would just stand there and watch, even though you could tell she wanted to stop him. There’s no way I’d let my husband bully my kids, beat them, scream in their face, and throw their belongings on the floor and break them. I’d pack up and leave so fast. Even now my mom stays with him, for no reason at all. He’s abusive to her as well. He is on disability and really doesn’t contribute anything. He should be condemned to die alone because, although she is far from perfect, my mom still deserves better then my dad. I’ve told her plenty of times in my adult life that she needs to leave him, that there’s still time. She makes excuses that she has to take care of him.

All I can do is hope it comes naturally. That I still have the ability to be a warm and caring individual towards a small fragile child. I don’t think I could live with myself if I scarred them emotionally the way I was. I hope it’s normal to not have any idea how to raise a child. From what I gather, it seems to be one of the biggest fears of new parents. Don’t you just love how even when I complete 1 hurdle (having a child) there’s already another one standing in my way? It’s exhausting.

I guess there’s nothing really going on until the 22nd, and I don’t have high hopes for that appointment either. I will be genuinely surprised if the cyst is gone. In an effort to think happy thoughts, please enjoy this collection of Ray Liotta in his prime.

FRAK! “No shots for you”

I was really looking forward to posting today. About my appointment and my go ahead to start shots and FINALLY RIDE THE DAMN ROLLER COASTER of IVF.

Life was all “LOL nah bitch how about a big fat CYST on dat ovary?”

It’s true. I went in for my appointment today for a blood draw and preliminary ultrasound before getting the all clear to start injectables. Blood draw was quick, but it looked like the nurse used a way bigger needle than normal, and I have the bruise to prove it. Got in for my ultrasound and, surprise surprise, doctor M had another med student in tow. This one seems vaguely familiar. This one might have seen my vag before. It’s sad when you have that many people who have taken a gander at your sniz that you can’t even remember them all.

Doc M handed her the wand while she watched the screen. She began to tell me about drinking a liter of Gatorade a day. “Left ovary looks good”. Med student veered the wand hard to the left in order to find the right ovary. She struggled, but apologized for jerking the wand around. Doc M took over and said she was having trouble finding it. I made a joke about my ovary wandering around. She found it (damn if it’s always right in the last place you look…) and proclaimed “not starting, there’s a cyst on your right ovary”.

Are. You. Serious. With. This. Shit. Right. Now?

Stupid ass Nora Be pills were not strong enough to prevent ovulation, and my follicle just decided to hang out and become a cyst. What a crock of shit that is. Doc M had me clean up and told me to go wait in the lobby and she would send the IVF nurse out. I waited, but she never came. Doc M came back and told me I would get a call this afternoon once my blood work came in and go from there. Aaaaand there’s the call!

IVF nurse called and wanted me to go back on pills until the 16th. I told her about the vacation from the 24th-29th and reconfigured to meet on the 22nd, as long as my doctor says OK. Depending on how that appointment goes I may be starting injections on my trip, which is fine.

I was so pumped to start injecting tonight. So pumped to work towards finally finishing this IVF cycle. And a stupid ass fluid filled SACK OF SHIT on my ovary derails everything. I just want to have a baby, fuck me right?

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