85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Archive for November, 2012

Day by day

Beta 2 came in today. I was completely nervous about this one since it means a lot more than the first one.

  • Tuesday was 89.
  • Today was 186.

That’s basically a textbook 48 hour double!

I was pretty happy to hear that, one more load off my mind. The IVF nurse asked if I had time to come down and get a quick lesson in Lovenox injections. I said sure!

Lovenox, you fucking suck. The nurse offered to stab me after a quick lesson but I said I could do it myself, and gave my now completely stretched and bloated tummy a shot. No problem in that department, except LOVENOX BURNS LIKE HELL. Ugh, imagine the immediate sting of Menopur with the lingering sting of Ganarelix and you have lovely Lovenox. I did the shot maybe 8 hours ago and the site is still tender. No bruise, but you get a lovely red dot. 9 months of this? Can I just have 9 months of progesterone shots please? Seriously I prefer them to this! At least they come in prefilled syringes and have a neat little spring loaded trap to cover the sharp when you’re done so you can just throw it in the trash.

I’m scared of being on blood thinners, but because Factor V is known to cause clotting and early miscarriages, I will endure what I have to to keep this pregnancy alive. I’m just scared of cutting myself and bleeding out or getting bruised by every little bump. My progesterone shots are probably going to start bleeding and bruising more. I’m going to look beat the hell up by the time the baby is born.

Now the quiet time begins. Nothing happens until December 13, 2 weeks from now. I get my first ultrasound at 6 weeks and get to hopefully see a tiny heart beating away. My husband will be there which is lovely. Keep growing little bean, please don’t turn out to be an empty sac!

The Beta Is In

My tests have increased in darkness so I wasn’t completely depressed going into my beta. I knew there would be some number, I just didn’t know what it would be.

When I got the call around 12:30 this afternoon I decided to pay close attention to how the news was delivered. The IVF nurse seemed pretty calm before saying ” I have some good news”. If I didn’t know either way I would have guessed she was delivering bad news by how calm she was.

This morning while getting my draw I asked what a “good” number would be and was told 50-100, but even if I got something like a 34 but it doubles fine that’s all that matters.

My number was 89. Right within the range it needs to be I guess. I tried to look up other 11dp3dt betas and most seem to come back in the 120s-200s. That made me feel a little sad that mine appears to be lower then some other peoples betas. I know it doesn’t really matter.

Next draw is in 2 days. I asked if I could start taking a vaginal yeast infection treatment and was told yes. God I hope this infection goes away soon, it’s making me miserable.

When is it going to start feeling real? There’s just so many things that can go wrong that it scares me that things could go wrong. One day at a time I guess. Let’s hope for a nice high number on Thursday.

Beta day tomorrow

After my last post I decided to continue testing. The tests keep getting darker….This is a first. When I got my progesterone shot I asked if I could get my beta today but was shot down.

It’s 15dpt, 10dp3dt. There is absolutely no way the trigger is showing in my system this late, and certainly not this dark, and certainly certainly not getting darker. Although I should be bouncing off the walls with joy, I’m not. I think I’ve done too good of a job suppressing my emotions for positive things. Once I get my beta number tomorrow it will start to feel real. Once that beta number doubles it will start to feel even more real. Once I see a heart beating it will really feel real. I’m not sure it’s going to feel really really really real until my child turns 10 or something. I’m just too gun shy.

So I guess I should recount a symptom check?

6dp3dt – 9dp3dt – bad cramp city. Woke up with such bad cramps 9dp3dt that I had to take a tylenol. Cramps still here now but not as bad as they have been. Keep thinking AF is going to show but so far nothing. No spotting or anything…

Sore boobs – Probably from the progesterone but my GOD are they painful. It is nearly impossible to lay on my stomach. My cat likes to come cuddle up on my chest and when he accidentally steps on my boobie I want to cry. Starting to notice blue veins that I never noticed on them before.

3dp3dt-9dp3dt – spicy cravings. Still prefer spicy but the drive isn’t as bad as it was.

Yeast infection – I’ve had it since before my ER. The severity waxes and wains but lately it gets uncomfortably itchy at night. Waiting to treat it until after I get a positive beta and instructions from my doctor on whether I can use the creams that go in the vagina. I know I can’t have a diflucan. Just been babying it with some Monistat brand healing hydrocortizone cream on the worst place (ONE labia minora is crabby) and ice.

I miss taking a steaming hot bath. I don’t know when I’m allowed to have one of those again but I haven’t had one in 2 weeks, mainly out of superstition.

I couldn’t help it I swear…

Keep calm, you’ve been here before I tell myself. Here, in this post to be exact, which I suggest you skim.

Something possessed me to test. Well not something, my period cramps did. Damn it, if I’m going to not be pregnant I don’t want my bleeding uterus to be the one to bring me the news first, I want to know for myself. So I did it, I tested against my better judgement. My trigger shot was 10:30pm on Sunday the 11th. So I’m at just about 13 dpt. Legend has it that the trigger is out of a normal woman by 10dpt. Last IUI I was testing positive through 14dpt, negative 15dpt. I was sure the line had gotten slightly darker on 14dpt, but it was just a fluke…a sad sad fluke that made me gun shy of all trigger testing.

Without further stalling, this is what appeared about 20 minutes or so ago when I POAS. The top is 6dp3dt, bottom is 8dp3dt. Let’s try this again, is it darker?!

This was my last trigger saga where I thought one got darker, with the very last 2 tests being 13 and 14dpt.

Lets compare?

Not only does my 13dpt look significantly darker than both the 13 and 14dpt of the last saga, it does look like it has gotten darker since 6dp3dt. I honestly don’t know what to think. I called my husband upstairs to come look. He said the test today looks “at least twice as dark” as the Thursday test. Since a beta can double in 48 hrs (in this case test 1 was in the morning, test 2 evening so more like 58 hours) it could make sense.

I don’t know, I think this test looks awful dark to be a trigger 13 days after the fact…Could it be something else? I’m scared to test again tomorrow….

Hoping for the best while expecting the worst

It seems like that is my life motto lately. As much as I want to be 100% all in and be excited, I just can’t. I can’t take that fall. It’s easier to expect the worst and secretly hope for the best. I envy those that can keep their heads up during such an uncertain time.

Progesterone is a crazy drug with lots of symptoms. I’ve been having strange cravings and a voracious appetite lately. Oh goodie I thought, this is a new symptom. Nope, apparently just a progesterone side effect. Incredibly sore boobies. Surely this must be a good sign. Nope, progesterone strikes again. Every progesterone symptom is the same as a pregnancy symptom!

I had a dream Thanksgiving that I took a bunch of pee tests and they were all positive. It was so real….until I woke up. Although I’m refraining from testing every single day, I did take a few tests just to see where my trigger levels were. First was the Monday morning after my trigger, bright positive of course. Next was the following Sunday, 1 week after trigger, light but not a squinter. Spurred by the Thanksgiving dream I tested Thanksgiving morning, 6dp3dt. It was a light squinter. At this point I can be confident any result from my beta will not be the trigger. I hate how my triggers last longer than 90% of women. It makes the 2ww even more stressful than it needs to be.

I’ve also been having a heavy feeling on and off, like period cramps. My cycles are so messed up I’m not sure what to expect. Nora Be gave me a light period every other week, and my last one was October 25th while on vacation. My period is due, and I feel like if I wasn’t on progesterone it would be coming. It’s that type of feeling. I can’t be hopeful with period cramps like this. Beta is on Tuesday, and I’m hoping for the best….but expecting the worst.

5dp3dt and I’m on fire

I literally can not stop eating these kettle cooked Jalapeno chips I purchased yesterday. I have never eaten japaleno chips before but for some reason my brain told me to buy some. For the past few days I’ve been having insatiable cravings for spicy food, I want to be spitting fire like a fucking Charizard, you don’t have enough badges to tame me. Rawr bitches.

 

Also have passing cravings for guacamole and my home made alfredo sauce. Neither one is spicy so who knows what that’s about. I’d love to be able to attribute all these lovely cravings to babies in my uterus but I don’t think you can this early. I’m probably just being a fatty fatty fat fat with some sort of mineral deficiency.

I found out that my clinic will definitely be closed tomorrow, meaning my husband will have to give me my PIO shot. He gave the HCG fine but tweeked out for a while after. I hate making him do it but there’s no choice. The shots themselves aren’t bad, it’s just that some time later your muscle starts to get sore. I have only one bruise in 7 shots. So far these shots really aren’t that bad, so I’m not sure what all the internet fuss is about. Maybe I have some sort of super ass? Maybe it’s because I get it done by nurses every morning instead of an untrained husband? Maybe it’s because the morning is the superior time to get it done since you’re working that muscle the rest of the day, preventing lumps? Who knows. It’s more of a pain in my ass to have to go to the clinic every morning to get them since aforementioned hubby is needle phobic. Maybe in the long run it will make him more appreciative of any life we create, seeing as how I get a 1.5 inch needle in my ass muscle every day for us and so far all he has done this entire time is jizz in cups and have a whole 2 vials of blood drawn.

I’m at work right now and all I can think about is those damn jalapeno chips. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Lost That Lovin’ Feeling

Today is 3dp3dt. I got the phone call from the embryologist that the 3 and 5 cell didn’t progress any farther and therefor there is no one to freeze. I expected that, really I did, but for some reason it still made me a little sad. After that phone call all those neurotic feelings started creeping back, that everyone is going to arrest after day 3 and I’ll never get a perfect day fiver. That everyone in my uterus is dead.

Terrible thoughts, I know. PUPO is something I picked up this week. Pregnant until proven otherwise. I like it. I think I’m just upset that there’s nothing left to do. Nothing I can change, no daily updates, just one more week of agony until I get that phone call that “I’m sorry, it didn’t work”….or something I’ve never experienced before, “you’re pregnant”. I have never been pregnant that I know of since this process began. No confirmed chemicals, no miscarriages, nothing. It’s depressing. My body has never been pregnant in 12 months of trying and 3 perfectly timed IUI. I’m scared I will never experience pregnancy. That my body has some sort of mechanism to prevent pregnancy forever.

I don’t like that my life can drastically change in one weeks time, either for better or for worse. It’s so messed up. Two week wait, Y U GOTTA BE SO LONG?!

Eye of the Tiger

Transfer was today. I was a little scared we would be told that no one was alive and we should just go back home. When the embryologist came out and introduced himself and seemed to be in good spirits I was a little more optimistic. He sat us down in a consult room to go over our babies. He asked how I felt and I replied that I needed to pee real bad. He said that was perfect, which also put my mind at ease that the transfer would continue. He put some pictures down on the table and began telling us all about the embryos. We got 3 good and ready to transfer! 2 were lagging behind but still alive. We got one 8 cell, one 7 cell, and one 12 cell (an overachiever). The other 2 were at 5 and 3 cells. He said the odds of the 3 making it is very slim, but there’s a chance the 5 could make it. Everyone is a grade 2 with 1 being the highest. Very low fragmentation. Wow, 3 real good embies!

He lead us back to the same recovery room used for my retrieval. I got to put on my standard hospital get up, and hubby got to wear a zip up tyvek looking  suit with shoe booties, hair net, and mask. He didn’t mind since the suit and booties are things he wears frequently at work. We went over to the transfer room, same as the retrieval room. Hubby and I joked around a while waiting for my doctor and the embryologist to come back. After an eternity they emerged and began. I got to see all 3 of my babies get sucked up on the video screen and then watched the ultrasound transfer them into my womb. My vagina on display for everyone in the room to see. And there they are. I am now “with embryos”, It’s a little surreal. I can only hope one of those embryos floats around and sticks. I proudly put my embryo pictures on the fridge.

GROW BABIES GROW – STICK BABIES STICK!

Egg Retreival, Counts, Experience, Embryos….oh my!

I had my ER yesterday. I thought I’d be a lot more nervous than I was. Woke up and took a cool bath to sooth my irritated vag, and sat around waiting for my husband to wake up. He had decided the night before that he would rather try collecting at the clinic than do it in the bathroom at home. I was all for it since the sample would be ultra fresh that way.

We left our house around 8:30 and got to the clinic in no time. I was called quickly and my husband was escorted to his collection room. I had no idea that the ERs were done in clinic since the HSG took place in the radiology department of the neighboring hospital. My anesthesiologist lead me back to the recovery room to get ready, and inside was another woman recovering. I undressed and sat in the wheely recliner, save for my hospital gown, socks, and hair cap.

While waiting to get to the ER room I overheard the embryologist talking to the woman recovering. She had gotten 20 eggs apparently. Her husband anxiously asked if they had any information about his sperm. There was no information given. They seemed very pleased with 20 eggs. I was a little jealous, knowing I would likely not get near that. The anesthesiologist came back for me and walked me down the hall to the ER room. First question asked was how many eggs I thought they would get. I replied that I would be conservative and guess 8. I laid down in a large OR chair while being made comfortable. Apparently the ceiling was painted by one of the doctor’s son in laws. It was whispy clouds and fairly peaceful. “Once the IVF drip starts the ladies tell me the clouds start moving”. “That’s wicked” I said. She placed the IV and I felt drunk within minutes. When I’m drunk I get fairly chatty and this was no different. I could NOT stay quiet. I asked a ton of questions for no reason at all, including “why is there a TV on the wall”, “how long have you been doing this”, “what are the actual drugs in my IV”, “is my arm supposed to feel cold”, and “do you have any funny stories of people who say silly stuff”. It was hard for me to tell if she was getting annoyed but I’m sure she didn’t mind. Apparently she’s been doing that since 1987, there’s a TV on the wall because people can watch the procedure, the drugs in my IV I completely forget except for propofol, there aren’t too many funny stories, and yes, my arm is supposed to feel cold.

She was waiting to pull the trigger on the hard drugs until my doctor was ready. Last thing I remember was hearing someone come in the room, and that’s it. She must have been all “YAY TIME TO SHUT THIS ONE UP” AND plunged away. I woke up again at some point and asked if we had started or if we were done. We were in fact done. I was moved back into my wheely recliner and remember commenting on the blood on the pad on the ER chair. I can’t remember if I asked a question like “is blood normal” or “is that my blood”, or if I was just all “oh wow some blood”. She wheeled me into my recovery room where my husband was waiting. “Do you remember that guy?” “Yep that’s my husband”.

The anesthesiologist relayed some information to my husband while I was sitting there because “she probably won’t remember this”. Jokes on her, I totally remember her saying that but not what she said, lol. He wheeled over on a stool and started rubbing my feet. “Can I take this off? I’m taking this off” I said of my hair cap. I bundled up in my hospital blanket because I was cold. My husband took off his jacket and put it over me. He was being so sweet. After a while I was visited by the embryologist and told I had 10 eggs retrieved. 2 more than my estimate! The anesthesiologist told me to try going pee because a full bladder can make your ovaries hurt. If I could safely manage peeing I could get dressed when I came back. My husband threw my blanket around me to cover my ass flapping in the breeze. NOW I know why there is a chair in the bathroom! My husband sat down in the chair while escorting me. I successfully peed and he helped me shuffle back to my room. He also helped me dress which was cute. Once dressed I was discharged, put into a wheelchair, and wheeled down to go home. When asked about the collection room my husband said he was disappointed, that there was only nudie magazines and no DVDs. “what am I, 15?”. Knowing my husband preferences I thought that was pretty funny. What kind of collection room has no porn?

Hubby got me some McDonald’s to eat, and once lunch was over I curled up in bed and slept on and off for 5 hours. Overall I don’t feel too bad. Heavy and crampy is all. Good thing too since I had to take off this morning to go get my first progesterone shot. Gotta say, it didn’t hurt to much. I swear some of the nurses are better than other at giving shots and this was one of the good ones. Also my yeast infection seems almost entirely gone. How the fuck…? It’s an egg retrieval miracle! I’m sure what ever they used to clean me out helped. Came home and anxiously awaited my call to see how my babies were doing. The call came around 10:30. Out of the 10 retrieved 8 were mature, and of those 5 fertilized normally, 1 fertilized abnormally (3 pronucli instead of 2) and 2 did nothing. Out of the eggs I got those are fairly normal numbers so I’m happy. Because I only have 5 in the running they would like to do a 3 day transfer of the best 2-3 embies, and let the rest keep going and see if they improve to freeze. I’m a little sad about a 3 day transfer but I understand why they do it. Sometimes the womb is better for smaller numbers. The only difference is they might implant 3 that were never going to make it to day 5 in the first place…but there’s a steep drop off between day 3 and day 5 I hear. Perfect day 3s may never make it to day 5 in the lab. Who knows, I just hope hope HOPE all 5 keep going strong and we have at least 2 good ones to put back. Any to freeze at this point would be just icing on the cake.

So that’s where I am. Let’s HOPE my little babies keep growing stronger! Now I can put 2 of my fears to bed. Not only did my follicles produce mature eggs, but my DNA and my husbands DNA made a fertilized embryo!

Aint No Stoppin Us Now

It’s finally going to happen! ER day is tomorrow and I’m pretty excited about it. It’s been a long time coming and I’m so ready for this. If it fails, I’m going to be a mess. I know it’s bad to have all your eggs in one basket but what else can I do? I haven’t had a reason to hope in ages and I’m trying to savor what little excitement I can have left about the process.

I had a check yesterday morning and was given the go ahead to take my HCG at 10:30pm. My lead follicle was around 22mm, the next largest were 18-20. Seems a little big for trigger but I’m sure there’s plenty of small fry who will ultimately benefit. The nurse mixed my HCG for me and asked if my husband was prepared. I told her probably not and I would have to do it myself. She seemed really upset by this but drew a target on me anyway and wished me luck. I don’t know what the big deal is about injecting yourself.

Of course, I decided to coax my husband into doing it because laying down and having someone else poke your ass is way better. He was not excited, and pretty panic ridden. The size of the needle freaked him out entirely too much. I put on my signature “DGF” attitude to calm him down. Truthfully I wasn’t scared, shots is shots, and it has to get done. I could have done it myself, but it’s easier for him to do it, and I wanted him to have a part in the process.

I started icing my target for a half hour before hand just to make sure it would be nice and numb in case he fucked up. Once 10:30 rolled around my husband was being goofy and was visibly scared. I laid on my stomach and presented him access to my ass from the side of the bed. And just like that, it was over. Virtually pain free! He did such a good job with the shot, though he had a mini freak out afterward. I’m sure he can never look at my ass the same way again, but oh well. I can’t wrap my brain around how poking someone else with a needle is scary. I tried to think of what would freak me out, and the only thing that freaks me out is holes. I have trypophobia so I would probably freak out if I had to clean a series of holes on his ass or something. I just hope he recovers and feels fine around me.

I went in for one last check before the big day, just to make sure my eggies were still clinging on. Sure enough, they were all still there. Hang on another 22 hours babies! I guess I will be under “light IV sedation”. I’ve never been under any type of sedation so who knows what that will be like. I had a dream all my follicles were empty and I produce no eggs. How awful would that be…

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