85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Archive for November, 2012

Day by day

Beta 2 came in today. I was completely nervous about this one since it means a lot more than the first one.

  • Tuesday was 89.
  • Today was 186.

That’s basically a textbook 48 hour double!

I was pretty happy to hear that, one more load off my mind. The IVF nurse asked if I had time to come down and get a quick lesson in Lovenox injections. I said sure!

Lovenox, you fucking suck. The nurse offered to stab me after a quick lesson but I said I could do it myself, and gave my now completely stretched and bloated tummy a shot. No problem in that department, except LOVENOX BURNS LIKE HELL. Ugh, imagine the immediate sting of Menopur with the lingering sting of Ganarelix and you have lovely Lovenox. I did the shot maybe 8 hours ago and the site is still tender. No bruise, but you get a lovely red dot. 9 months of this? Can I just have 9 months of progesterone shots please? Seriously I prefer them to this! At least they come in prefilled syringes and have a neat little spring loaded trap to cover the sharp when you’re done so you can just throw it in the trash.

I’m scared of being on blood thinners, but because Factor V is known to cause clotting and early miscarriages, I will endure what I have to to keep this pregnancy alive. I’m just scared of cutting myself and bleeding out or getting bruised by every little bump. My progesterone shots are probably going to start bleeding and bruising more. I’m going to look beat the hell up by the time the baby is born.

Now the quiet time begins. Nothing happens until December 13, 2 weeks from now. I get my first ultrasound at 6 weeks and get to hopefully see a tiny heart beating away. My husband will be there which is lovely. Keep growing little bean, please don’t turn out to be an empty sac!

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The Beta Is In

My tests have increased in darkness so I wasn’t completely depressed going into my beta. I knew there would be some number, I just didn’t know what it would be.

When I got the call around 12:30 this afternoon I decided to pay close attention to how the news was delivered. The IVF nurse seemed pretty calm before saying ” I have some good news”. If I didn’t know either way I would have guessed she was delivering bad news by how calm she was.

This morning while getting my draw I asked what a “good” number would be and was told 50-100, but even if I got something like a 34 but it doubles fine that’s all that matters.

My number was 89. Right within the range it needs to be I guess. I tried to look up other 11dp3dt betas and most seem to come back in the 120s-200s. That made me feel a little sad that mine appears to be lower then some other peoples betas. I know it doesn’t really matter.

Next draw is in 2 days. I asked if I could start taking a vaginal yeast infection treatment and was told yes. God I hope this infection goes away soon, it’s making me miserable.

When is it going to start feeling real? There’s just so many things that can go wrong that it scares me that things could go wrong. One day at a time I guess. Let’s hope for a nice high number on Thursday.

Beta day tomorrow

After my last post I decided to continue testing. The tests keep getting darker….This is a first. When I got my progesterone shot I asked if I could get my beta today but was shot down.

It’s 15dpt, 10dp3dt. There is absolutely no way the trigger is showing in my system this late, and certainly not this dark, and certainly certainly not getting darker. Although I should be bouncing off the walls with joy, I’m not. I think I’ve done too good of a job suppressing my emotions for positive things. Once I get my beta number tomorrow it will start to feel real. Once that beta number doubles it will start to feel even more real. Once I see a heart beating it will really feel real. I’m not sure it’s going to feel really really really real until my child turns 10 or something. I’m just too gun shy.

So I guess I should recount a symptom check?

6dp3dt – 9dp3dt – bad cramp city. Woke up with such bad cramps 9dp3dt that I had to take a tylenol. Cramps still here now but not as bad as they have been. Keep thinking AF is going to show but so far nothing. No spotting or anything…

Sore boobs – Probably from the progesterone but my GOD are they painful. It is nearly impossible to lay on my stomach. My cat likes to come cuddle up on my chest and when he accidentally steps on my boobie I want to cry. Starting to notice blue veins that I never noticed on them before.

3dp3dt-9dp3dt – spicy cravings. Still prefer spicy but the drive isn’t as bad as it was.

Yeast infection – I’ve had it since before my ER. The severity waxes and wains but lately it gets uncomfortably itchy at night. Waiting to treat it until after I get a positive beta and instructions from my doctor on whether I can use the creams that go in the vagina. I know I can’t have a diflucan. Just been babying it with some Monistat brand healing hydrocortizone cream on the worst place (ONE labia minora is crabby) and ice.

I miss taking a steaming hot bath. I don’t know when I’m allowed to have one of those again but I haven’t had one in 2 weeks, mainly out of superstition.

I couldn’t help it I swear…

Keep calm, you’ve been here before I tell myself. Here, in this post to be exact, which I suggest you skim.

Something possessed me to test. Well not something, my period cramps did. Damn it, if I’m going to not be pregnant I don’t want my bleeding uterus to be the one to bring me the news first, I want to know for myself. So I did it, I tested against my better judgement. My trigger shot was 10:30pm on Sunday the 11th. So I’m at just about 13 dpt. Legend has it that the trigger is out of a normal woman by 10dpt. Last IUI I was testing positive through 14dpt, negative 15dpt. I was sure the line had gotten slightly darker on 14dpt, but it was just a fluke…a sad sad fluke that made me gun shy of all trigger testing.

Without further stalling, this is what appeared about 20 minutes or so ago when I POAS. The top is 6dp3dt, bottom is 8dp3dt. Let’s try this again, is it darker?!

This was my last trigger saga where I thought one got darker, with the very last 2 tests being 13 and 14dpt.

Lets compare?

Not only does my 13dpt look significantly darker than both the 13 and 14dpt of the last saga, it does look like it has gotten darker since 6dp3dt. I honestly don’t know what to think. I called my husband upstairs to come look. He said the test today looks “at least twice as dark” as the Thursday test. Since a beta can double in 48 hrs (in this case test 1 was in the morning, test 2 evening so more like 58 hours) it could make sense.

I don’t know, I think this test looks awful dark to be a trigger 13 days after the fact…Could it be something else? I’m scared to test again tomorrow….

Hoping for the best while expecting the worst

It seems like that is my life motto lately. As much as I want to be 100% all in and be excited, I just can’t. I can’t take that fall. It’s easier to expect the worst and secretly hope for the best. I envy those that can keep their heads up during such an uncertain time.

Progesterone is a crazy drug with lots of symptoms. I’ve been having strange cravings and a voracious appetite lately. Oh goodie I thought, this is a new symptom. Nope, apparently just a progesterone side effect. Incredibly sore boobies. Surely this must be a good sign. Nope, progesterone strikes again. Every progesterone symptom is the same as a pregnancy symptom!

I had a dream Thanksgiving that I took a bunch of pee tests and they were all positive. It was so real….until I woke up. Although I’m refraining from testing every single day, I did take a few tests just to see where my trigger levels were. First was the Monday morning after my trigger, bright positive of course. Next was the following Sunday, 1 week after trigger, light but not a squinter. Spurred by the Thanksgiving dream I tested Thanksgiving morning, 6dp3dt. It was a light squinter. At this point I can be confident any result from my beta will not be the trigger. I hate how my triggers last longer than 90% of women. It makes the 2ww even more stressful than it needs to be.

I’ve also been having a heavy feeling on and off, like period cramps. My cycles are so messed up I’m not sure what to expect. Nora Be gave me a light period every other week, and my last one was October 25th while on vacation. My period is due, and I feel like if I wasn’t on progesterone it would be coming. It’s that type of feeling. I can’t be hopeful with period cramps like this. Beta is on Tuesday, and I’m hoping for the best….but expecting the worst.

5dp3dt and I’m on fire

I literally can not stop eating these kettle cooked Jalapeno chips I purchased yesterday. I have never eaten japaleno chips before but for some reason my brain told me to buy some. For the past few days I’ve been having insatiable cravings for spicy food, I want to be spitting fire like a fucking Charizard, you don’t have enough badges to tame me. Rawr bitches.

 

Also have passing cravings for guacamole and my home made alfredo sauce. Neither one is spicy so who knows what that’s about. I’d love to be able to attribute all these lovely cravings to babies in my uterus but I don’t think you can this early. I’m probably just being a fatty fatty fat fat with some sort of mineral deficiency.

I found out that my clinic will definitely be closed tomorrow, meaning my husband will have to give me my PIO shot. He gave the HCG fine but tweeked out for a while after. I hate making him do it but there’s no choice. The shots themselves aren’t bad, it’s just that some time later your muscle starts to get sore. I have only one bruise in 7 shots. So far these shots really aren’t that bad, so I’m not sure what all the internet fuss is about. Maybe I have some sort of super ass? Maybe it’s because I get it done by nurses every morning instead of an untrained husband? Maybe it’s because the morning is the superior time to get it done since you’re working that muscle the rest of the day, preventing lumps? Who knows. It’s more of a pain in my ass to have to go to the clinic every morning to get them since aforementioned hubby is needle phobic. Maybe in the long run it will make him more appreciative of any life we create, seeing as how I get a 1.5 inch needle in my ass muscle every day for us and so far all he has done this entire time is jizz in cups and have a whole 2 vials of blood drawn.

I’m at work right now and all I can think about is those damn jalapeno chips. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Lost That Lovin’ Feeling

Today is 3dp3dt. I got the phone call from the embryologist that the 3 and 5 cell didn’t progress any farther and therefor there is no one to freeze. I expected that, really I did, but for some reason it still made me a little sad. After that phone call all those neurotic feelings started creeping back, that everyone is going to arrest after day 3 and I’ll never get a perfect day fiver. That everyone in my uterus is dead.

Terrible thoughts, I know. PUPO is something I picked up this week. Pregnant until proven otherwise. I like it. I think I’m just upset that there’s nothing left to do. Nothing I can change, no daily updates, just one more week of agony until I get that phone call that “I’m sorry, it didn’t work”….or something I’ve never experienced before, “you’re pregnant”. I have never been pregnant that I know of since this process began. No confirmed chemicals, no miscarriages, nothing. It’s depressing. My body has never been pregnant in 12 months of trying and 3 perfectly timed IUI. I’m scared I will never experience pregnancy. That my body has some sort of mechanism to prevent pregnancy forever.

I don’t like that my life can drastically change in one weeks time, either for better or for worse. It’s so messed up. Two week wait, Y U GOTTA BE SO LONG?!

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