85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Archive for December, 2012

Gummy Bear

The holidays are over, finally! We got to tell the entire family and everyone seemed pleased. We even called hubby’s aunt, who put us on speaker in front of the entire family down there. Overall things went well.

I had my 8 week scan today and was pleased to see a much larger fetus than last time. It’s no longer a baby sprinkle, it’s a baby gummy bear! Little tiny stumpy arms and all! Yolk sac is still there too.

ImageI was actually able to SEE the heart beating this time which made me pretty happy. It’s exciting to have something that resembles a tiny human growing inside of me. The heart rate was 183.

I’m starting to get pretty excited. The family knows, I’ve made it past 2 growth scans, and everything seems to be going well. We even parked in the expectant mother parking at Toys R Us yesterday. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m in dire need of a nap.

Time For Christmas

I can’t say much has happened since last post. I’m just waiting on my next check up on the 27th and eagerly await seeing how much my baby has grown.

I can’t shake the paranoia that something will happen though. I think it’s because I don’t really “feel” pregnant. Sure I’m bloaty, a tiny bit nauseous from time to time, and somewhat tired, but I don’t feel pregnant. I guess I shouldn’t complain since some women get terrible symptoms and wish they felt normal. To me, throwing up every day lets me know my baby is still alive and growing. When you don’t have anything going on it allows room for the paranoia to set in, I would almost welcome vomiting. We only have about a month left in the first trimester, so I doubt my nausea will ramp up in that time.

Tomorrow is Christmas, and like most adults it’s only a moderately exciting day compared to childhood. My husband is like a child though, he begs to open his gifts as soon as I put them under our tiny table top tree. This has lead to us opening gifts on Christmas eve instead of Christmas morning. I’m pretty sure I know what he got me. A tablet of some sort (probably Samsung Galaxy Tab), maternity jeans, a green glitter iphone case, and maybe my Futurama season 7 DVD. There are 5 gifts though so I guess one is a surprise, I’m going to go with a skirt.

We’re also telling our families tomorrow, something I’m not really looking forward to. I’m going to tell them not to spread the word just yet but I guarantee they will because they don’t respect my wishes, never have. Normally we visit my husband’s mom, then his dad, and then my family for dinner. This year we are not visiting his mom since her husband’s mom died and I guess they’re just canceling Christmas this year. That’s fine, she’s always kind of teetering on the edge of sanity and financial collapse. Meaning she usually gets us random stuff we don’t want and end up throwing away. I don’t particularly mind that we won’t be visiting her. I’ll leave my husband in charge of calling her with the news.

I’d also like to call my husband’s aunt and uncle in Florida and tell them the news and allow them to spread it to the family down there visiting. Hubby’s cousin and his wife will be there visiting, and I know for a fact they have been struggling to conceive. I’d feel bad normally because I’ve been there, but they just seem to be going about everything the wrong way, and his wife is not well liked by the family because she’s just a little bit insane. I know when his aunt tells them we’re expecting she’ll likely throw a hissy fit. I tried reaching out to her once to let her know “I understood” where she was coming from, but nothing ever came of it. My husband and I have been together longest of all 3 pairs of married male cousins. The second to get married is now divorced, and the aforementioned cousins are the third pair. Somehow we deserve to be expecting first. I know it’s evil of me, but I honestly want to see the look on her face when they tell her. It would simultaneously make my Christmas while ruining hers. HOW EVIL!

I intend to announce on Facebook around January 1st, and at the same time make it known that I have been struggling with infertility. Most of my close friends already know and are ecstatic that things worked out.

Let’s hope that baby keeps on growing!

Baby Sprinkle

Thursday afternoon finally made it’s way here. Hubby and I were about 10 minutes late because he couldn’t decide what to wear. Not because of the doctor’s appointment but because we were going to my company Christmas party a few hours after and he didn’t want to come home.

We were lead into an ultrasound room and waited for a while for my doctor. Left on the screen were not one but two 9 week babies from the woman before. They looked amazing! It’s hard to believe in another 3 weeks I will have something that actually resembles a baby. My doctor finally came in, looking incredibly pregnant, with yet another new face. This one was introduced as Doctor W. Wow, this one is a doctor. “Do you think we’re going to see THAT?” joked Doc M about the 2 babies on the screen. I told her yeah right, especially not 9 week babies. In typical Doc M fashion, she gave the reigns to her protege and let her try to find my uterus. She kept finding my ovaries until my doctor instructed her on where to look. The screen was turned at an angle from me, so that the doctors and my husband could see but I barely could. “We got one…..with a heartbeat!”. Woo hoo I said. “And measuring perfectly!”

I could sort of make out the gestational sac from where I was but couldn’t see the fetus, and certainly not the heartbeat. “See that?” She said to my husband. “That flickering?” he said. Apparently she was showing him the heartbeat. She never ended up showing me. By the time she turned the screen to me she turned on the sound thingy and we got to hear the heartbeat instead. I believe it was 123 bpm. She told me my ovaries were enlarged and definitely no exercise. Makes me feel a little better about the gut I’ve been developing. I get to stay on PIO shots for another 2 weeks, which wouldn’t suck so much if I didn’t develop an allergy to them. I now get itchy red patches over every injection site. Some nurses went rogue and poked me lower in my ass to avoid them which just produced large welts, I’m guess because they were in fat an not muscle. My ass is a war zone. Good thing I have that 2% hydrocortizone cream from Monistat! It works well on my itchy blotches.

We got a picture of our baby sprinkle and told to come back in 2 weeks. The picture wasn’t great either, not zoomed in or anything but you can see the gestational sac and yolk sac with a line that is apparently the baby at the top.

The next day we were having our lunch meeting at work, Subway turkey sandwiches. I absent mindedly put some mayonnaise on my sandwich before taking a long pause to stare at it. I’m not supposed to have lunch meat. When a female coworker prodded me as to what was wrong with my sandwich I just sort of eeked out “something….about….lunch meat….”. Apparently that was all I needed to say to alert the two women I work with to the fact that I’m pregnant. The rest of the lunch was spent telling me all the great things about pregnancy, without prodding me to spill extra details. I guess it’s unspoken now. They know, but they didn’t ask for confirmation, and I basically confirmed without saying “I’m pregnant.”

Now we have the task of telling our families. The next time we’re going to see them in person is Christmas, so that’s probably when it will be done. It would be nice to wait a little longer, but I don’t feel like making a special trip later on. Neither one of us is particularly close to our families, and neither one has any idea this news is coming (except hubby’s aunt). I think I’m just going to bring out an extra present when everyone is done opening and give my mom a small gift bag with a pacifier in it. That will probably be all that’s needed. I hope she doesn’t cry or anything….it’s not like she’s going to be over every day hanging out with her grand child or anything and I don’t want her to get her hopes up, it’s still early. I know these will be her only grandchildren because my brother is socially awkward and can’t get a girlfriend to save his life, and at 27 that’s a little sad.

My mother does nothing to push him out of his comfort zone, apparently to her having a 27 year old awkward shopping buddy who still lives at home is preferable to being a parent and pushing him to succeed. My entire life has been “we don’t trust you because you aren’t like your brother who has no friends and never goes out”. Apparently having a normal child was too much for my parents to handle. Every child should be like my brother to them. Slightly retarded, immature, and friendless. Yay having a child who never gets into trouble because he doesn’t do normal child things! I’m the disappointment because I left home and actually got a real life. Well what goes around comes around. I don’t like the way I was raised so they aren’t getting a chance to ruin my child. My own grandparents were basically the same way, fucking insane. My grandfather tried to run us out of his house when I was 8 because my brother loved fighting with me (because when you get picked on in school it’s fun to pick on your little sister apparently). They would always scream about stupid shit and kids being kids and complaining that we didn’t love them. They’re right, we didn’t. My grandma on my mom’s side was better, but still had issues. She would buy us toys and then never let us play with them! I had tinker toys that I loved to play with at her house and I think I got to play with them maybe 5 times before she stopped letting me play with them for no reason at all. I would see them on her stairs, I would ask to play with them, and she’d straight up say no. She still to this day calls me a brat for no reason, gee how polite. Every time I walk into a family gathering and sit down I get bombarded with passive aggressive “HELLO, DON’T YOU SAY HELLO? I’M SAYING HELLO TO YOU”.  They don’t get me and the fact that I don’t usually do the warm greeting thing, especially with people I don’t care about. Instead they like to whisper amongst themselves about what a terrible person I am, with no mention of the fact that how I was raised plays into that. I’ve tried explaining that they just don’t “get” me and I’m not trying to be mean to them when I don’t say hi or leap the send them a thank you card, but they treat me like I’m 10 and mock me instead. No one in my family knows how to just be a PERSON and not a distant disciplinarian. Raising a child = raising an obedient underling who listens to everything you say without question. Yeah, no thanks, I don’t subscribe to that brand of crazy…

6 Weeks….?

Today makes 6 weeks….? I say …? because I haven’t seen into my uterus yet. There is hopefully something the size of an ice cream sprinkle in there, growing away, with a heart beat. Thursday can not come fast enough because I’m freaking out! What if there’s nothing alive in there? What if it stopped growing?

On top of that I’ve been bloated as hell. Like if I eat a big meal I get shooting gas pains for a half hour to an hour. Also my kitty loves to crawl all over me and seems to home in on squishing my boobies with his huge 14lb ass. Yes, 14lbs sounds like a fat cat but I just have a big, bulky, long kitty. See?


It’s hard denying his snuggles but his paws are like hot lava on my boobs. Speaking of lava, fuck Lovenox. It is legitimately like injecting hot lava into your skin. I could totally deal with it if the needles weren’t dull as hell too.


Jekyll and Hyde

Or maybe Smeagol is a better representation of who I am now. I feel like 2 completely different people dwelling within the same body. I know I’m probably going to get Taco Bell for lunch despite telling myself I wouldn’t.

My employment woes continue, as I feel more and more ill equip to handle my career choice. I enjoy being in control and having enough confidence in my abilities to take the reigns on things and even tell other people what to do. I don’t have that here. I feel like a child that has to constantly hold onto a railing for support. I’ll never let go because I never know what’s going on. It will never change…

On the other side I’m still doing work for my husband’s aunt and uncle. For some reason the adwords campaign isn’t taking off like it did the first time. A simple url change has apparently made everything crash and burn. I have been working on and off trying to tweek the ads into running smoothly again. Anyone who has ever run an adwords campaign knows that the slightest changes can bring huge gains or huge losses. I compensate by making tiny changes every few days in order to not upset the Google monster. I go to log into the account and find that the password has been changed 34 hours ago. Not a good sign. I figure out the new password (and in doing so who would have changed it), and found all my hard work completely changed. Budgets changed, paused campaigns running, running campaigns paused, the horror. Hubby’s uncle decided to take matters into his own hands and completely mess up all my hard work, probably because I was not getting results fast enough. He does not understand adwords at all and his changes made it so that a campaign I have proven yields a lot of clicks but few sales is now running, and slashed the budget so low the ads would not even show. I worked for an hour to reverse the damage and get the ball rolling again in the right direction. I have a sinking feeling he doesn’t trust me anymore. I relayed a message to my husband’s cousin, who also works for them but actually on site as a manager that if my uncle wanted to change things he needed to give me a call first to talk about it because I need control over the account.

It felt good. I got that feeling of control back. That feeling that I actually know what I’m doing. Confidence. We’ll see where it gets me. I guarantee it will crash and burn without me anyway.

On my way into work this morning I ran into crazy coworker woman. As we walked to the door the prodded me for “good news”. I played coy, told her I had no idea if I’d have any good news to share. But I did proudly display the bandaid on my upper butt from my shot this morning. She commended me for all my hard work and sticking with it. Then she dropped a bombshell. “I had a friend who went through the same thing that you are. She ended up with triplets”. I didn’t say a word after that. How does she know? Do they know about this blog? Did they put the pieces together? I thought I was good about not giving away too many hints. It would be hard for someone to connect the dots….or so I thought. If she knows, I guarantee the office manager knows. If she knows, there’s a good chance my boss knows. I didn’t want any of them to know. Somehow they inferred that my problems were female related, though I’m still not entirely sure how. How they made the leap from female trouble to IVF is beyond me.

On top of it all I STILL HAVE TO WAIT A WEEK AND 1 DAY! This stress is absolutely killing me. My cat randomly punched me in the stomach, literally punched. I had an orgasm in my sleep. Everything in my environment is conspiring against me to harm my uterus and it’s precious cargo. I’m probably going to take another pee test tomorrow morning just to confirm there’s still a dark line there.

You win Smeagol, we’re going to Taco Bell for lunch. Fuck it. I’m stressed.

Night By Night

I feel like I’m crawling through the desert in search of an oasis. This is a whole new breed of 2 week wait. You wait 2 weeks just to get a positive beta, then you wait another 2 weeks for an ultrasound! So much waiting. I don’t do well with waiting.

Going by the IVF due date calculators, I’m 5 weeks today. Hard to believe my egg retrieval was exactly 3 weeks ago. Still hasn’t sunk in. I won’t believe I’m pregnant until a little heart beat appears on my screen.

In the mean time, my symptoms come and go. My boobs vary in pain level. They’re very full but haven’t been as crazy painful as they were initially. I think my skin finally stretched and got used to it. Still bloated and look fairly pregnant. Getting an odd symptom where both of my hips where I lay on my side burn. I can’t explain it, it feels like a rash but there’s nothing there. I thought maybe it was some odd pressure sore so I convinced my hubby to split the cost on a nice memory foam mattress topper. Slept well on it, but the rash feeling persists. Most of all, I’m tired. Unless I’m out and about I will fall asleep like clock work every afternoon. And then I fall asleep early at night. I sleep so much and I don’t even care. Sometimes I pee alot, sometimes I don’t.

It’s only Tuesday, my ultrasound isn’t until NEXT Thursday. I can’t wait that long to find out what’s going on in there!

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