85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Archive for April, 2013

Mental Gymnastics

It’s amazing how you can get the one thing you think you needed to be happy and still be completely stressed out and packed with anxiety.

I know I’ve delved into my mental issues on this blog before, from my job to my house, my struggle to conceive, everything. While I’m completely ecstatic to cross one thing off of my list of completely life-absorbing stressors, it simply intensified the remaining 2.

At my job I’m almost positive I’m going to get fired or “laid off”, however you want to phrase it. My boss has pushed me back into my old “support” role, which is completely fine with me because it’s impossible for me to manage anything at this company and I do better taking order than giving them. He hired in another woman who is slightly older then me and lives about 4 hours away to work part time and be his managerial person. This is exactly what I wanted all along! Someone who “gets it” to work between me and my boss. Someone to work strategy with him and then turn to me to get it done. I actually have a lot less stress with this arrangement. So what’s the problem? Well, I’m still “working” my old managerial shift around 34 hours a week, with “working” being on quotes for a reason. I really don’t DO anything anymore! Occasionally I get a project from my new manager, but I feel like the value I add to it is not worth keeping me around to do it. If she came on full time she could easily absorb my position within 3-6 months, heck she could probably get by doing it on part time! Everything I do could be taught to someone else. I feel like a middle man who’s just skating by until someone realizes I don’t really do anything. Like that fat guy from office space who gets into a car accident. Not to mention this company is not bound by FMLA leave, legally speaking if I leave for 6 weeks he can replace me. Maybe I’m just being panicky and alarmist. I think the best I can hope for is going back to my old support hours and working from home. At worst, I don’t have a job.

As for my house, it too has gotten better, but it’s still a long way from “home” if you know what I mean. If I lose my job we don’t have extra money, and no extra money means no continuing the fix up on this house. My husband is back in school for a second bachelors so that eventually he can make more money, but for the time being it completely sucks up his free time and stresses him out. No free time means no time to work on the house, and everything piles up. There’s WAY too many projects, not enough time, and not enough money. All it does is upset me so much. I don’t want to raise my child in that god forsaken hell hole of a construction zone we call home. The worst part is even if all the projects were done I still wouldn’t want to live there! I hate the neighborhood, I hate the layout of the house, I hate the back yard, I hate everything about it. I never wanted that house. My husband seems to think we can find another house in the next few years but I honestly struggle to understand the financial logistics of that. If I don’t have a job I know he doesn’t make enough to buy a house in the price range that would satisfy my needs. I’m going to be stuck there and miserable forever.

I don’t know what my problem is, but I don’t think my son is going to fix anything, and that makes me even more depressed. I just want to be able to give him everything he deserves. I feel like a failure and he’s not even here yet. I don’t have a nice house to raise him in, his father has severe organizational and time management issues, and his mother’s happiness is fleeting. Not to mention all this stress is probably going to give him his own brand of mental illness, perpetuating the problem. It’s so hard to be excited about anything when all this anxiety is crushing you and fighting you at every turn.

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