Where has the time gone? I feel like I fell into some sort of dimensional portal that sucked up the majority of my pregnancy. 32 weeks today and going strong. Little man is very active, the nursery is done, and my shower is in 2 weeks. Still feel like the same “me” really. Still wishing for a bigger/better house, putting up with my job, and hating my family. I hope they realize they aren’t going to be seeing the baby as much as they think they will. I tolerate my mom and grandma a lot better lately. They definitely toned down the crazy bitch factor when I got pregnant. Still not anyone I would choose to be friends with in another time and place, but I think that has more to do with me as a person and not them. I’m very hard to deal with and very selective of who I put effort into talking to. Still don’t get my father at all and feel absolutely no guilt for completely ignoring him. I had a family function a few days ago and it’s obvious he will never change. The only way to describe him is mentally challenged, I’m serious! I’m dead serious in thinking my father has some sort of mental impairment. Besides the entire growing up with him that sucked, he just doesn’t bother to act like a normal person at all. While at said function I was in the middle of talking with my mom and grandma about something and he just buts in WHILE I’m talking to ask if I shop at Walmart. Like wtf? I glared at him and told him I was talking to someone else and not to butt in. Like a child. A man pushing 60 should not have to be told to stop doing something like a child. Said function was a reverse raffle at their church (which I am not a part of) and my father was convinced they were giving out prizes 1 number off. Instead of acting like an adult he kept trying to wave and yell be obnoxious. Everyone was completely annoyed by him, my mom, my grandma, everyone. I can’t leave my child around that, and so I won’t. My brother kept telling me about some sort of retarded 200 dollar R2D2 he intends to buy “for my child”. In actuality he wants it for himself but wants some sort of reason to justify it. It’s a freaking voice command unit that my kid won’t even be using. Maybe he should be less excited about buying some stupid toy that will sit in the corner and spend more time trying to get out of my parents house and finding a freaking girlfriend. The more time I spend around my family I wonder how I came from these people. Overall it has made me a little scared for my own child. What if I’m destined to be freaking insane too and make him hate me? I doubt it. I might have my own brand of crazy but when I’m around children I’m a completely different person. It’s like whatever part of my brain that makes me an insufferable, selfish bitch just turns off. Of course, that’s with other people’s kids. I know I can’t change or teach other people’s kids so I don’t bother. I can only hope I have the same damper with my own children. Being cognizant of the crazy is the first step to keeping it from manifesting itself. I’m self aware, the rest of my family isn’t and would never admit they are anything less then perfection. I feel a little helpless about my lack of experience with babies. I hear that’s completely normal but it doesn’t feel normal. Most of my friends grew up in extremely large families, surrounded by people of all ages and kids and babies. I never grew up around any babies, never watched anyone take care of a baby for any extended period of time. I just want to do everything “right”, even though there is no such thing. I understand what works for one will not work for all, and I think that’s a good thing to understand. Do I have confidence in my ability to be a good parent? I like to think so. I think so long as my husband is better with the child than the dogs we’ll be ok. Ugh, so much worry for a time that should be full of rainbows and sunshine! It’s really true that the worry never stops.
June 10, 2013