85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

11 Months

Well 11 months and some days. We’re doing well over here. Baby 2 is almost a whole year old and it’s insane how fast this year seemed to fly by. He is cruising and crawling with lightning speed but does not stand independently at all, nor does he really try. I do not think he will walk at one year. He is on mostly “real food” meals, but like with child 1 we’re still kind of stuck on a lot of the same foods. I suck at giving babies variety. Also this one seems to be slightly picky? He is starting to work foods back out of his mouth or toss them on the ground. I’m not sure if it’s because he isn’t that hungry or he doesn’t like the foods. Time will tell. He still has no teeth! Though just this week he has started acting fussy, rubbing at his mouth, chewing his fingers, and fiddling with his ears. I think they are on the horizon but they are still not visible or feelable yet. We still nurse, I try to get him every 2-3 hours for a top up. My supply has gone to shit though and at night after 4 hours I only pump a little under 3oz. He does exhibit some separation anxiety. Overall baby 2 is a pretty happy smiley boy. He naps well compared to the first kid. He will fuss for almost no time and just roll over to his belly and fall asleep. He is working on dropping a second nap but some days he really needs it. He doesn’t seem to be as clever as the first though. He mainly likes carrying around toys in his mouth and doesn’t interact much with things beyond that. He did start this funny trend of crawling over top of something in a specific way and then carrying the item around with his back legs as he crawls. I guess that’s pretty clever.

Child 1 though I have some serious issues with. He gets worse with his behavior every year and it’s causing problems in school. He thinks he’s allowed to do whatever he wants and has developed a defiant streak. I don’t understand it because he has punishments. They are predictable, he knows they’re coming if he misbehaves. He gets spankings. He gets stuff taken away. He cries. We remind him of the consequences when he’s doing something but it’s like he has no concept of a “later” punishment. If I can’t grab him and spank him to “snap” him out of it right then and there nothing works. The self control is minimal with him. I never wanted to be a spanking mom but when you have a child that CANNOT COMPREHEND AND ACT ON future threats what other tools are there? He only responds to the RIGHT NOW. Only spankings are RIGHT NOW. There is nothing I can take away from him in the moment he is acting up. If I did he wouldn’t care anyway 5 minutes later. His school seems to think he is allowed to be a diva and do whatever he wants at home and I keep exasperatedly telling them it’s not so. I don’t think any child has a parent that is right on top of correcting bad behaviors as much as I am and yet he only gets worse. And the fact that there’s this anti spanking wave in parenting right now means I’ll always be the bad guy in the eyes of people with children who can comprehend regular punishments and talking through problems. My child will not talk through problems, I’ve tried. I want to be the mom with sticker charts and rewards but it’s like he’s missing the part of his brain that responds to any of that. I explain things until I’m blue in the face with him. He says he gets it but then just backslides right into doing the bad behaviors again or asking if he can have whatever thing he had taken away, acting like he completely forgot why he was being punished. My friend with ADHD (and as a result, children with ADHD) seems to think he may have it too. It wouldn’t surprise me. And while I am not crazy about medicating, I’m also not crazy about having a hurricane of a child living in my house that has no rhyme or reason to his actions and makes me dread parenting. We will see what unfolds over the school year.

In other home life, I am strangely at peace. It is so alien to me to be feeling happy and comfortable at this level that I legitimately have nightmares about it ending. My husband has been….a good husband? Like a normal good husband? Because he hasn’t been one for so long just being a GOOD HUSBAND is new and strange to me. He is stepping up more, not arguing with me, and trying to be a good dad. Dare I say it, even anticipating MY needs. He used to be such a wet blanket about everything but he’s actually acting happy and fun. He seems deeply in love with me in a way I haven’t felt in a long time. And being so comfortable lately I feel the same way. I love and treasure this man. I don’t know what has changed, maybe he was depressed and now he’s not? Because it came on so unpredictably I feel like it will leave just as quickly. I really hope not. He is working on the house still but everything but the basement is basically done. And he recently did a clean up so even the basement is not causing me the same level of anxiety is once was. I feel like it can’t last, but hope it does. It is doing so much for my mental state. Do people get to feel this way all the time? Lucky bastards. I love my husband, I love my house, I have my 2 kids I always wanted so I don’t have to fret about that phase of my life anymore,….I’m so at peace ya’ll.

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