85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

One year, one last year

My second and last baby has turned 1. What a momentous occasion. For the longest time I wasn’t sure I wanted 2 kids, 1 was hard enough. But the first year has flown by seemingly twice as fast as the first child’s first year. It’s insane! And it wasn’t so bad!

Baby, or should I say toddler #2 is still a fairly happy dude. He was 22lbs 10oz and 29.9 inches at his 1 year checkup, putting him in the 70th for weight and 50th for height. He just started walking about a week ago. Before then he refused to take steps or stand without holding onto something. Then he just let go and went for it and now he enjoys trying to walk. He is not 100% walking but he loves attempting to walk around. He is surprisingly proficient with his push walker and can even turn it around and walk everywhere with it. That’s pretty clever. He also recently started understanding the concept of turning the light off. This is something I did with my first son as well. After a bath I hold him to the light switch and ask him to turn it off. Both started doing it around this time. He still doesn’t put the blocks on top of the alphabet train like son #1 did at this age. He seems like he may be pickier then son 1. There are certain meals he picks at and isn’t excited about. That makes me sad since I don’t want either of my kids to be picky kids. Son 1 is oddly picky about potatoes. At least he still likes most veggies. They both like avocado, so they get to love SOMETHING green thankfully. No one likes those adults who refuse anything green on their sandwiches.

His schedule is pretty solid, he gets 1 nap at 11 and will nap typically until 1 or later. Rarely the nap is an hour. He goes down for bed at 8. We still nurse a few times a day and he gets a breakfast, lunch, and dinner with some whole milk. Things seem to be doing fine routine wise. He has 1 fang. I don’t know what that’s about. His bottom teeth feel like they may be ready to come out soon but so far he has a single top fang with the other fang barely poking out. I can see the edges of the top front teeth starting to come down. So odd he is getting tops before bottoms and fangs before middles. When he eats his food it is almost exclusively with his left hand. Son 1 was not so strongly handed at this age and is still somewhat ambidextrous, though he writes left handed. It seems as though I will end up with 2 left handed children. How you get that from 2 right handed adults and all but 1 right handed grandparent is beyond me. Genetics be like that sometimes.

No words out of him, at least nothing I would call official. He babbles mamamamama sometimes but I feel it’s just babbling and not calling ME mama. He does seem to vocalize a “yeah” but again, I think it’s just reading tea leaves level stuff and not real purposeful talking. I am not in a hurry for him to talk anyway. I learned my lesson with the last one to be careful what you wish for. Son 1 is in kindergarten and doing well. He is starting to read sight words and can read his “bears on wheels” book by himself. He gets mostly green on his color chart, some yellows, an there were a couple reds over the months. My husband started bribing him with a weekly small lego set to encourage his cooperation and to stop being a little shit at school. The first couple weeks were rough. I’m not a big fan of bribing, never have been. Bribing gets you on a track you can’t easily get out of. Once you start bribing then when exactly can you stop and just expect them to act decent because it’s the decent thing to do? I’m not sure you can. So we’ll see how it plays out. So far, I’m just glad he is staying green and not spittling at the principal anymore (yes this happened).

I am still happy in my house. The basement is not done nor will it be for some time I think. I have settled into the mindset that this is going to be my long time home, if not forever home. This means eventually I will get a livable basement, lovely useable backyard, and maybe even an addition over the garage. But none of it will be happening soon. This plan will take a decade. As any long time readers know, I do not do well with the long term. Looking forward to things that MIGHT happen SOMETIME gives me anxiety. I like knowing what to expect and when. I have accepted this is not always going to be possible and I should try to be excited for the future changes rather than lament their slow coming. So far it is going well. As for my anxiety, I have finally reached a breaking point and have sought help. I went for my annual well visit and nearly broke down at my doctor when speaking about some of the acute anxiety problems I face. My day to day is not bad and very manageable without medication. But it is the acute, situational issues that rapidly fire me up and drive me nuts that I have issues dealing with. My breaking point was at the Elton John concert I had been looking forward to since February. I could barely enjoy the opening song, Benny and the Jets, because I was close to puking or passing out. The anxiety of being “trapped” in the middle of the row and racing thoughts about omg what do I do, I came this far, I’ve wanted this so long, why am I so scared of dying or being trapped right now? What is wrong with me? It didn’t seem right. I was able to calm down, but I’ve had a lot of random issues like that where the kids have been pressing my buttons all day and I just want to hide away but I can’t. I react how any caged animal would. I scream and I lash out. I am not proud of it. I want help. My doctor prescribed me an antihistamine called vistaril to take as needed for anxiety attacks. I am excited to try something and see if it helps my “attacks”.

I’m not sure what is triggering me. Stress likely plays a part. My husband works a lot and then comes home and works on his ebay stuff, which is part hobby and part “we’re poor and need the extra income”. I feel I can’t ask him for help with the kids without him making me feel guilty because I am taking him away from his work and therefor taking money away from us. Money we so desperately need. So I get to be a shaken up bottle of soda frequently exploding onto everyone and my husband’s solution is the shrugging dude emoji. He gets to go in the basement and work on his ebay stuff, I don’t get to hide and work on my own anytime ever. I don’t get a vacation from being a mom. It’s all so cosmically unfair to me. I feel like a slave in my own home and NO ONE CARES. The other day son 2 was being picky about his dinner. The kitchen was a mess and needed cleaning. I asked husband, who normally retreats to the basement when he’s done eating if he could try and feed the baby or clean the kitchen. He tried to do the kitchen….by unloading and reloading the dishwasher. That’s it though, not wiping down the counters or anything else I do when I clean up EVERY NIGHT after dinner alone. He tagged off and fed son 2 while I did that. Whatever, it should have been fine, he helped, I’m grateful. But then he started fishing for praise. When I told him to stop fishing for praise he went and got stupid. He said “I’m not fishing for praise, I just want a thank you”. Ummmmmm wat. Since when is wanting a thank you not the same as fishing for praise? It’s the same fucking thing. And even if it weren’t, why do you need thanks for doing the dishwasher? He says it’s “my job” and he helped with “my job” and he didn’t have to help with “my job” but he did. Any other mom’s heads starting to get a little hot? Yeah mine too. Absolute bull shit excuse. You live here too dude, dishes are not “my job”. You don’t need thanks for taking care of shit that pertains to your existence too. I don’t enjoy cleaning. I do it because my brain will overheat in the presence of mess and clutter. If I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done. He usually walks the dogs at night before bed. Sometimes I do it. I don’t do it because I want him to thank me. I don’t care if he even notices. I don’t get mad if he never says a thing about it. Like it literally doesn’t matter to me. Sure it’s “his job” and sometimes I do “his job” but I never fish for praise. I don’t see things as “his job” or “my job”, we can both help each other out with rolls we happen to fall into without expecting anything from it.

He can talk about how he doesn’t WANT to do the ebay thing and he HAS to all he wants. He still enjoys doing it. It’s still fun for him. He still gets to do it alone whenever he wants away from the kids. I’ve offered to help him! I will always be the low woman on the totem pole of my house. Forever bearing 100% of the child related responsibilities and feeling guilty every time I make an appointment and have to sheepishly ask my husband to watch the kids. It shouldn’t be that way. Why should I have to feel that way in my own home? Asking permission to be something other then a mom for a few hours? It’s cruel and unfair. No wonder I’m so grouchy sometimes. A little acknowledgement of my struggle would be helpful. My husband seems to think that I should be grateful to have to do “nothing” but watch the kids all day and anything else I should reserve to do in the 3 hours I get to myself every night. No. That’s horrible. Maybe that’s enough for some people but it’s not for me. I don’t like never having money, I don’t like not getting to spend any time together as a family that doesn’t involve eating out or thrifting. I want my husband to be hanging out in the living room with me and the kids on his days off not hiding away and working on stuff. I’m beginning to think that life will never happen. My husband will always be working on something because that is who he is. So what do I do? Save me vistaril you’re my only hope.

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