85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Summer Breaking Me

Summer break is the bane of my existence. Oh sure, that first week visions dance in your head of sprinkler fun, trips to the splash pad, playgrounds, nature walks, play dates, and more. STUFF! FAMILY FUN! Then once that honeymoon period fades you realize you’ll live the same old boring life you always have. You don’t live near any nice splash pads. You don’t have a usable fenced in backyard to send the kids into to play unattended and front yard is flooded after a half hour of sprinkler fun. All the playgrounds in town are littered with needles and in need of repair and sometimes you don’t want to drive 15+ minutes to a nice playground in a nice town. Not to mention none of them are toddler friendly. In fact none of your plans are really toddler friendly. Splash pads with a 20 month old mean them constantly trying to run away and skin their knees and you getting soaking wet trying to redirect them. Playgrounds mean equipment too big for them that you will have to hover near them the entire time to make sure a big kid doesn’t shove them down the slide. Plus when you’re a nap nazi and you live in isolated cow town USA you get exactly one shot at doing something so you’d better make it count. Oh and you can only stay MAYBE an hour before having to shlep home. When you put it that way, why even bother? It makes me feel bad for my older kid but such is life.

I spend most of every day sitting on my ass in my living room because there is nothing.to.do. Surrounded by my almost 6 year old that likely has ADHD and my 20 month old who needs to be sitting next to or on me all day. Sometimes he adds in a little extra in the form of thumb sucking and insisting on stroking my hair for a little razzle dazzle. But that is my entire life at this point. I don’t go anywhere unless it’s to eat or shop with my husband. I have 1 friend. Used to have 2.

Record scratch, detour. Time to rant about this second husband business I see a lot. Friend 2 went through a divorce and is now doing that typical second husband shit and I can’t relate. You know the shit. #livingmybestlife. Old husband no fun new husband gives foot rubs, old husband grouchy and overworked new husband paints my toe nails, old husband boring new husband fun! But you know they’re just in the honeymoon phase and old husband was actually a descent guy who seemed to be trying his best.  Plus they go on trips on their child free weekends. Like vegas trips. We’ve only remained friends because our kids are close in age. She’s getting married again and I’m not even bridal party close with her. I can be happy for her being happy but knowing WHY she got divorced and kind of side eyeing it all can take its toll on a friendship. I know I know dear reader. I sound like I’m full of sour grapes. And maybe I am. But the point I’m trying to illustrate is I can’t relate to her new life and all the time she spends with new man. We’re on 2 different playing fields. We never hang out and haven’t really been close since she started working full time. We’ve grown apart. So yeah, down to 1 hang out friend.

Friend 1 is pretty great as friends go but she has her own crazy busy life so we mostly text and rarely get together. And that’s fine. Simply another of the many reasons why I feel isolated and bored all the time. I wish I lived somewhere with activities. Everything close by. Options! Everything is so far away here. Even my mom is too far for convenience. I’m doing it all myself and it’s taking a mental toll. I’m hitting the wall. Summer break is breaking me.

Child P will be 6 very soon. He’s still an extremely active little shrimp. Being home in one room of the house ALL DAY with him is not good for my sanity. He’s every 6 year old boy ever but probably worse. He wants to run around and bounce off everything. He constantly makes terrible decisions and irritates me. He developed a vocal tic. He doesn’t learn from any gentle parenting and doesn’t recall anything I’ve exhaustively tried to relay to him. He simply doesn’t LEARN and just DOES WHATEVER. Nothing is enough to get him to train his brain to stop and think. That’s literally all I need him to do, take a second and USE HIS DAMN BRAIN before opening his mouth and begging me for something he forgot he just asked for 5 times already. He will not though. And of course any time you try and commiserate with others moms they just laugh it up and tell you how completely normal it is. Haha 6 year old BOYS amirite? Haha they’re so annoying and animalistic all the time. Haha it’s totally normal to want to rip your hair out parenting them. Haha just let them outside to run it off. Haha your mental health doesn’t matter. Hahahaha BOYS WILL BE BOYS. All I get from my husband is “he’s just like me as a kid” and all I get from my mom is “they wanted to medicate your brother but I SAID NO OMG I’M SUCH A GOOD MOM FOR THAT.” I will admit I need to reserve judgement about anything being “wrong” vs “normal” with my son but I have strong suspicion something is not right and that something is ADHD. I will be bringing this up at his birthday doctor’s visit, again, and pushing this time for an evaluation of some sort. I’m done pretending this is normal. I’m done being told this is just how boys are and you need to deal with it.

H is 21 months almost and still struggling with talking. He has no real clear words. He sometimes uses a 2 sound “word” to convey “all done”. Sometimes uh oh and thank you but the sound are all the same, the only thing that matters is context. His bye bye is a series of what I can only describe as squirrel chirps. He uses dadadada for everything ever. He is starting speech therapy but I don’t buy into it much this time around. I honestly think kids just talk at their own rate regardless of any “therapy” but I’ll go through the motions because it’s free and can’t do any harm. He’s still a good eater and sleeper. Fights every diaper change, clingy as hell, shy around new people, and sucks his thumb when watching tv. I try to pull it out when I can. He’s getting a little too old for it and I don’t want it bothering his teeth or affecting his speech. He brings me the remote sometimes when he wants to watch TV but it’s always during the TV free periods (read all day before dinner). He seems very smart, he understands how most of the toys work. He can push a car. He doesn’t point to body parts no matter how much I train it. He will pee on the potty if I bring him to it though so there’s that. Mostly he spends his time trying to slither across my lap for various reasons and crying when I try and push him away. I’m not allowed to do anything without H being nearby. On my computer? Lap slithering and twitching. Bathroom? Follow me. Lay down for a moment? Climbed on top of and sat on. I love how much he loves me but it does get suffocating.

Relationship wise things could be better. Maybe that lovey halo has peaked and fallen off. Things don’t seem quite as magical as they did in earlier posts. Maybe it’s me. Maybe summer is taking its toll on my mental state. I’m constantly on edge and no one cares. I spend all day with a tight chest and an explosive temper. I get no breaks. None. My husband doesn’t believe in “I’ll watch the kids you go out an spend a little time by yourself to regroup, you need it”. I tell myself that isn’t most husbands anyway but does that make it any better? He sure gets his alone time though to work on whatever projects he insists need to be done. Oh but I can’t point out this injustice, he isn’t “getting anything” out of these things he puts on his own plate and happily takes off to do. Then why the frig are you doing them then? He’s so completely full of shit and I don’t even understand it. Why are men like this? Why does this seem to be such a typical man problem? I realize there are plenty of guys who aren’t like this but I’ve read enough motherhood articles, NYT opinion pieces, forum posts, and conversations with friends to know this is all to common a “thing” among the XY chromosome having humans. Cool. Guess I’ll just be over here slowly plucking my feathers over constant stress and anxiety while you continue to take and take from me without giving back. See how long that lasts.

 

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