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Archive for December, 2019

2020 or bust

It’s been a while since my last update. Things kind of become a blur with 2 kids and updating on development stops feeling so needed. 2 is an age where a lot starts to change. Your baby isn’t a baby anymore. They’re a full blown 100% toddler complete with language acquisition and preferences. P never had what I’d consider terrible 2s. Around 3 and preschool is when a lot of his problems started bubbling to the surface. H is completely different. He gets full blown kicking screaming tantrums. Ones where his whole body gets this weird mix of stiff yet jelly so that you can not properly grab onto him. He latches onto something and decides if he doesn’t get that thing it’s a tantrum. There are many mornings where he decides he wants to bring a toy with him to the car, sometimes something small, sometimes big. I’ve decided to stop letting him carry things to the car because it’s a no win scenario. He usually drops it at some point while I’m driving and the screaming starts. And it doesn’t end. So nope, no more stuff leaves the house. But then he screams about that too and goes stiffylimp. He does this with such violence I’m afraid he will dislocate his shoulder. I try to carry him with 2 arms to keep his legs pointed away from me since he thrashes and kicks. Our door is a steel door and when it is cold it is impossible to lock without 2 hands. 1 to turn the key and one to pull as hard as you can on the handle to get the door into the right position. How do I lock the door while 2 arm carrying a screaming thrashing toddler intent on ripping his arms off? I have him straddle my knee, press him into the door with my body and one arm and try to free just my hand to pull the door while I lock with my free arm. It’s a total mom move. Difficulty 10/10. Then I hoist him up with his legs pointing away from me while he shreaks to the neighborhood about the injustice of having to leave his toy story book behind. He usually continues crying in the car all the way until we get back home. Today though the crying didn’t stop when we returned home. I had to repeat the mom move to unlock the door and I laid his contorted body on the ground to thrash to his hearts content. I gave him the book he was originally flailing for. He did not want it. He threw himself into the door over and over. At this point I’m not sure either of us know what he wants. I sit on the floor and be available for him, but he throws himself into me and squirms around me. He doesn’t want my hug or affection. If I lift him onto my lap he forces himself away. After 10 minutes of his continued tantrum (on top of the tantrum before we left and the car tantrum) he snaps out of it and brings me a blanket to cuddle under. He immediately quiets down. I don’t even know what I could have done differently. I don’t even know what he wanted. I don’t think HE knew either.

This kind of thing happens throughout the day when he spies something he thinks he needs and now during dinner more often. He throws a fit about the dinner he is served and refuses to eat it. I dread going out to eat now because he will refuse the food he has eaten no problem before and scream for the food on my plate. I’m a mean mom and I don’t think my 2 year old needs french fries. But now he knows what french fries are and I’m not allowed to eat them around him. Lest he launch into a wild thrashing scream in public where he has almost knocked his high chair over. Yes, those big wooden chunky ones. He is that strong and his thrashing that violent. Since I don’t want him eating junk I ignore it. But you can’t ignore that in public without the entire restaurant staring at you and going silent. I don’t even want to eat out anymore which was one of the small pleasures I had. Last night my husband got out his birthday ice cream cake while H was still awake (we were on our way up for bed) and of course he saw it. That began a 10+ minute long tantrum while I tried to get him ready for bed, brushing his teeth through screams. I’m not going to give in to the tantrum because that only causes more tantrums. You’re exchanging silence now for telling your child it’s cool to scream for things you want. It’s the whole reason we have issues with french fries. My husband just HAD to stop the crying and let him have some and guess what, now it happens every time. He gives in all the fucking time and all it does is make my life harder.

It doesn’t help that H also has issues with speech. He is delayed and receiving services, but we recently found out his issues are tied to pretty bad hearing loss due to fluid build up. His ENT is giving it a month to clear up with allergy medicine before moving on to other things. Maybe H has allergies. Maybe he doesn’t. All I know is he mouth breathes and can’t hear. I want the problem fixed and the source figured out. But this is a long process with months in between appointments. I feel all the building blocks are there. He does talk, it’s just really gibberishy. The bottleneck is his hearing. Once that is cleared up I have no doubt he will be talking at age level. He already seems to know letters and most words in his word book, that’s pretty good.

Outside of talking issues and extreme tantrums, he seems quite smart and helpful. He brings me things he thinks I need. His receptive language is great. He can usually watch his Daniel tiger without too much wandering. He still enjoys veggies. He can shape sort and do some puzzles. He’s a little big for his age, and I like that. He can pee on the potty when I ask.

His big brother is reading now and that’s fantastic. That’s about the only good thing I can say. He did alright with Kindergarten but frequently got in trouble or got bad colors. He started off doing well with First grade but over the past 6 weeks has gotten progressively worse with his behavior. He can NOT stop talking. He interrupts the teacher and bugs other kids. It’s just nonsense talk most of the time. Unimportant questions. Nonsense attention seeking behavior. I can’t even describe it without calling it dumb. He just ACTS DUMB all fucking day. He got in trouble the other day for stuffing his pockets full of tissues and insisting to the teacher he needed them instead of doing school work. The kind of stuff that makes you scratch your head and wonder wtf is wrong with this kid? He was moved to his own desk away from the other kids instead of being at a communal table because he was being too disruptive. He’s constantly bouncing off the walls running around at home bugging everyone. I don’t understand how anyone could parent this child without losing their mind. He is overstimulating to me and I’m in a constant state of wanting to get away from the noise and action because it does.not.end. I am frazzled all day every day. Just wishing he could freaking SIT STILL AND SHUT UP. He cannot. I asked him to sit on his butt next to me this morning and stay still and quiet. He might be able to do it for 30 seconds before he starts up wanting to say something or wiggling or trying to get up. I kept sitting him back down and snapping at him to remain quiet. After a little bit he began hitting himself in the head. Why? I don’t know and apparently he doesn’t either. If you try to talk reason and logic with him he just brick walls everything with “I don’t know” or “I forgot”. It’s like living with a tornado. A dumb tornado. My child doesn’t listen. My child has 0 self control. My child is very intelligent but acts very stupid.

We filled out behavior paperwork from his doctor and so did his teacher. Our appointment to discuss it isn’t until February but when I self scored it using a scale found online, he has ADHD. Impulsive/hyperactive subtype. This does not surprise me in the least. But of course my husband is not fully convinced it’s ADHD. I do think there is another component at play here, maybe OCD, but he definitely does have ADHD. This is beyond normal 6 year old boy behavior which is what everyone tries to hand wave away at me. I don’t understand why no one wants to support me. They all complain about P’s behavior but then when I bring up ADHD everyone wants to tell me he’s fine and normal and doesn’t need medication. Why the fuck is everyone in my life so against medicating a child with mental issues? YOU’VE DEALT WITH HIS ISSUES! He’s having issues at school with his teacher who is a god damn saint and an educational wizard who gives seminars to other teachers and goes the extra mile with P to build a behavior plan that works for him. But even she can not get anything to work for him. If an early childhood educator with as much pedigree as this one can not help my child, how can I ever expect to on my own?”But he acts just like so and so at that age” says my family. Then I ask if so and so ever had to be moved away from his peers because he was interrupting them all day. “Well no”. Ok then he isn’t “just like so and so” he’s his own person with his own issues. Also when so and so grew up unto a pretty mediocre adult why in the world would I see that as reassuring? So and so probably needed help too but you’d rather pretend nothing could possibly be wrong with so and so for your own feels. It’s absolutely maddening the lack of support I feel. My job is to help P grow into a functional adult with healthy relationships and a good education. He will need help to get there and I will get him every bit of help I can, whether that be medication or therapy based. I will do everything I can to see him not fail at life. He’s such a smart kid, he needs help controlling himself. The last thing I need is his classmates shutting him out and he becomes another statistic of radicalized lonely young boys who go down a bad path.

Husband is still husband. Our house is still needing help. The more I think about it husband probably has some form of ADHD because he has trouble keeping himself on task and staying organized. But his latest plan is to build a supershed in the back yard for his ebay mess so it’s out of the house once and for all. With the basement and garage no longer being used up we can finally start work on the basement and start bringing the house into the final stages of renovation. Though we’re still at a point where we’re deciding how much to do and whether or not we’re staying here or buying/building elsewhere. This house is lovely, I really do like it. But it’s not perfect and it does not have enough space for us both to be running businesses out of it. We can change that or leave. But we can’t leave it the way it is, there are still some things we can do to improve it whether we stay or not. This will all take time and money. We are currently working on a get out of debt plan and maybe we’ll be there in 1 years time. Without debt our ability to put money into the house will expand and make things easier. I just hope this isn’t more carrot on a stick nonsense with no end in sight. I’m trying to back off and let it happen, but it’s hard. I keep getting older and shit keeps staying the same. I can’t spend another decade on the hamster wheel getting nothing accomplished and staying miserable.

I’m still at a crossroads with my life and career. Do I prepare to go back to work for someone else or continue working for myself? My store is doing well, I grossed 25K this year which is so wonderful for a small time Etsy shop. I only net about 8K of that. I don’t know how much I make on ebay with my flipping venture but it’s probably very similar, I will start tracking it this year. It has always been hard because I’m carrying over so much inventory year to year and I don’t remember how much I paid. I don’t think I can ever grow this to a level where I match the income I’d make on the outside. But for now it’s really good for me and hopefully looks good to a future employer. That I wasn’t just sitting with my thumb up my ass raising two very difficult children, even though that alone is a job. I was also running essentially 2 businesses on top of it. #supermom

Let’s not even talk about the stress I deal with taking both these kids to the post office and goodwill after school every day. I’m sure the people at the goodwill think I’m abusive or something. We walk into the store and one or both of my kids are screaming more often then not. H screams because he needs P in the cart, it’s one of those irrational things he gets mad about. P does not want to sit in the cart and they both scream over it. P tries to run around and touch everything. He has broken items on more then one occasion. It does not matter that I’ve spent the last 2 years telling him every day at this store HANDS TO YOURSELF, he does not remember and will not keep his hands to himself or stop running. Because again, he has 0 self control and no brain. So I’m hunched over in his face reminding him, doing what I can to put the fear of god in him about not fucking touching anything. And to please stop talking. He continues talking nonsense at stores at the top of his volume. People seem to think this is funny and I must be a real witch to growl at him to shut up. I’m tired, so tired of every day being groundhog day. We go to the same store at the same time looking at the same things and I keep having to remind him of the same things. Please stop talking. Please be quiet. Please keep your hands to yourself. Please stop pulling the cart. Please stop annoying your brother. Please put that toy back. I’m sorry but how the hell am I supposed to keep my cool when I feel like I’m taking crazy pills and NOTHING CHANGES?? I’m exhausted dealing with it and I just need it to stop! No one helps me with these kids I’m basically a single mom who finds momming not enough and piles other responsibilities on. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to feel guilty about not being fine with motherhood alone. Motherhood sucks. Motherhood is not my hobby. Motherhood will not help my career. I’m not giving up my businesses to lessen my stress. I need more help with my kids.

I have a goal to get better at non vector art and less derivative art. So I bought myself an iPad Pro and Apple pencil. But now I have constant anxiety about spending alllll that money on something that I’m finding very difficult and I’m not sure I’ll ever excel at. It’s probably the most expensive thing I’ve purchased in….forever. Geeze I can’t think of the last time I dropped 800 dollars on anything, I’m not sure I ever have. Even the TV I bought almost 10 years ago was only 500. It’s so unlike me. I hoard money for rainy days. I like being financially solvent. It lessens my anxiety about not having a real job. Anxiety can be a potent fuel for me though. It’s a double edged sword. The anxiety pushes me to keep picking up the iPad and attempting some wonky scribble, but it’s also not allowing me to relax any and just take a night off. I have to find better balance. Between making and shipping orders and being a parent, I really lack free time. I’ll probably continue to exhaust myself with the iPad for the remainder of the month then relax on it a little. Oh and lets not even mention the thrifting youtube channel my husband and I have been kicking around. Because I definitely need more things to do with my non existent work time. God what is wrong with me? I want the success so bad I’ll keep pushing myself until it happens or die trying. Lets go 2020, we can do this! ADHD diagnosis for one, clearing the ears of the other, supershed for husband, and art improvement for me!

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