85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Archive for the ‘Baby and Beyond’ Category

New Year New Updates New EVERYTHING

Oh boy, what has it been, 6 months since my last post? So, so much has changed. Last post we were in North Carolina celebrating Park man’s second birthday. We were considering staying there another couple of years for my husband to finish his masters since the company buyout never happened. Towards the end of our lease my husband began looking for jobs back home and was surprised to land a job he had been turned down for in the past. A job that pays more money and is a position that rarely goes to younger workers. He was so excited to land this job that we packed up and went back home. Can anyone say they’re surprised?

While still in NC we began the buying process on a house back home (that my husband drove up to see) that we both liked. It needs far less work than our last house and has a ton of potential. We have been living with my mom since the beginning of November. We closed on the house at the end of December and shortly after my husband moved in to begin working on it full time. It will probably be 3-6 months before it is ready for my son and I to move in. That’s where we are now, staying with my mom while my husband works on our new house about 50 minutes away (near where we used to live).

Back to my son! So last time I blogged we were in the beginning stages of getting speech therapy. After we got in contact with the right people it took about 2 weeks until he had his “evaluation”. They way they do it is that it is  a general evaluation and not just a speech evaluation. The evaluators didn’t see a big need for therapy, but did concede he was on the fence and they could recommend he go to the next step, which is a speech evaluation. He was evaluated again and determined again that he was on the fence and if I wanted to continue with the therapy they would say he needs it. So I said yes, of course. He was seen a total of 3 times before we moved and the entire process from start to therapy was 6 weeks. They were supposed to email me any info they could find about local programs here but didn’t, nor have I ever gotten a bill despite giving both my case worker and the therapist my new address. I have decided not to continue with therapy. The therapy can be summed up as a woman coming to your home and using items and pictures to try to coax words out of your kid, as well as giving you suggestions on things to work on. In my case it was going to cost 30 dollars per half hour session, which he got once a week. Later in the day of his first session he spontaneously began using 2 word phrases. I don’t think the therapy had anything to do with it. Out of nowhere as I was taking my son to go somewhere he said “bye rawr” to one of his dino toys. Ever since then he started using 2 word phrases including “more ____” and “bye bye ______”. Now that we are with my mom he has picked up words for just about everything and uses 2 word, and sometimes 3 word phrases. His main issue is still articulation, he is not always easy to understand, but he is getting better. I think he’s just a late bloomer with speech. My friend whos son is 10 days older than mine is actually speaking less than my son. I guess I stressed for nothing.

What else is he up to? Well he can go up and down stairs vertically (though I don’t trust him to, he is still incredibly clumsy). He is home potty trained with just pants on (no diaper and no underpants). He has trouble pulling his pants up, and as such he usually just takes them all the way off to sit on his little potty. I have seen him leave them around his ankles then pull them up when done a few times but he has trouble pulling them over his butt. I’d like to work on using a potty seat when we get to our own house. He still refuses to use a fork most of the time, but uses a spoon for applesauce and yogurt type foods. I wish he would eat a little more neat for his age. He is super rambunctious and it drains me to contain him all day. It’s 10x worse at my mom’s house because there is so little baby proofing. All he wants to do all day is go up and down the stairs by himself, bother the cat, throw toys, demand you play with him by piling toys on you (or in the case of me sitting here typing, crashing a truck into my thigh over and over), coloring and “painting” the fridge, and watch TV. Omg he will not shut up about “Puppy Show”, aka Paw Patrol. He has become obsessed with this show over the past 2 months. I don’t like it because it’s not educational but such is toddler life. He’s also obsessed with choo choos and begs grandma to “google trains” on her tablet. He got a train table for Christmas (it’s at our new house) and he will play with it the entire time we’re there. He’s a very typical toddler boy that’s for sure!

I can’t wait until we move into our new house. Living with my mom has its perks but I’m kind of ready to get back to my own life and my own routines. I don’t think I’m going to have the same anxiety and crazies about this house as the old one. The old one was a nightmare, this one is really nice and much newer. My husband has only been gone 3 days but I already miss him. Our marriage has been pretty good, no real issues. Here’s hoping 2016 will be the best year yet.

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The Not-So-Terrible Twos

It’s my son’s second birthday! Every 6 months he seems to grow up a little more, though once you get to 2 it seems to be more polishing of skills that have already been learned.

Biggest issue is that he still jargons a LOT, but compared to 18 months he jargons much more. All day long I hear jibber jabering. He wants to communicate so badly, but English still escapes him. That’s not to say he hasn’t learned new words. From 18 to 24 months he gained many more words and expressions, though they are mostly hard to decipher. All done is “ah duh”, he has stopped saying kitty as kee and now just points to cats and makes a meow sound, banana is neeea, shoes are dooz, etc. Bye bye is very clear, as is hi. He tells me when something is tasty (tay-te), and when he has pooped in a diaper (eeeew, tinky). I still feel like he is a little behind with his language, though I can guarantee his doctor will brush it off because he tries to say something when I ask him “say ____” and is acquiring some new words. I still feel like he could benefit from a few days a week of help. I’ll try to convince them at his appointment tomorrow. He’s also on the short side which scares me. He’s completely average for weight at 27lbs but I believe he is only 33ish inches, which is very very short for his age. I hope he grows some more, I’d hate for him to be the short kid.

His receptive language is excellent. He knows where his belly, feet, ears, eyes, nose, hair, head, and butt are, he will fetch something you ask for, and he even understands using the potty. Especially in the last month or so he has really gotten a hold on “holding” it. He started out around 18 months with having an interest in going on the potty, and I’d let him run free without a diaper. Sometimes he’d seek it out and sit on it, other times he would just pee wherever he was sitting. He will almost always go if I ask him to sit and try peeing. If he has to poop he has pooped on it as well. Lately though he will hold it and seek it out on his own, or hold it until I suggest he try peeing. I’m really going to push for him to be potty trained by 2.5.

He’s still a glutton with food, and luckily not that picky either. There have been several times that I slipped him something new and he just ate it without question. I’m really hoping I can keep this up. I remember being scared when he went to table food because I like the prepacked convenience of healthy jarred meals. I’ve found it’s still easy to have a quick healthy meal for my son. If my husband and I are eating pizza or something I don’t want him to have (yes, I’m that mom), I make him some chicken, rice, and a veggie. I currently have some precooked chicken strips in the freezer, but I’ve also precooked some tenderloins and kept them in the freezer to quickly heat for him. They also make microwaveable cups of rice and cups of veggies that make it really quick to throw something healthy together if he can’t have what we’re eating. He usually gets what we get though. For lunches I still focus on avocados and cheese a lot, either with quinoa or in a quesadilla. He also gets peanut butter or hummus sandwiches. A side of fruit comes with it, either whatever I have fresh or fruit cups drained and rinsed of syrup. Breakfast is yogurt, banana, toast, cheerios, or plum organics fruit bar with milk. Again, all very quick and requiring no preparation yet still being nutritious.

He still doesn’t sit still for much unless the TV is on, which I try to limit. His favorite show is Daniel Tiger, which he asks for by saying “dayyo”. I even made him a Daniel Tiger Birthday Cake, which was my second time ever using fondant. Not to shabby if I do say so myself.

Daniel Tiger Cake

Daniel Tiger cake I made for my son’s second birthday

We also took some photos of him in a big field with a big wooden 2 that I painted in tiger stripes. We also took him to Chuck E Cheese and Toys R Us where he was spoiled rotten. I think he had a pretty bitchin’ birthday.

Back Back Again Again

P man will be 15 months in a few days. So much has changed with him and our lives in general!

First, Mr. P. He walks very well now, runs clumsily, points, and brings me things he wants to interact with. This is a problem though, since he still doesn’t really talk. He says mama and dada, mostly mama, but that’s really it. If I try to withhold an item that he wants in hopes that he will say something he starts throwing a tantrum and screams, so that doesn’t really work. Other than that I have no idea how to encourage his communication without making him further frustrated.

His receptive communication is fine though. If I ask him if he wants milk he runs to the fridge. If I ask him to clap clap he will typically do it. If I’m done making breakfast he runs to the couch where we normally eat. If I ask for a hug he may choose to give me one. Most of this he has learned on his own, but I’ve experimented with training him in much the same way as a dog. For example, I took a few days and tried teaching him to high five. I’d take his hand, five my hand then celebrate and say that he was good at high fives. Eventually he got it and will now occasionally high five if you ask him for one. I really enjoy seeing him figure something out for the first time. 2 days ago I got him a Munchkin miracle cup, which has no spout. He mastered sippy cips and straw cups for a while now. It took him about 10 minutes of frustrated crying and grabbing my hand and giving me this “defective” cup for him to realize he needed to try sucking the rim to get water out. Then he was content to drink from it like a normal cup.

He’s very silly and giggles constantly, and gives up tons of smiles and silly faces. He does have quite a temper though, but I attribute that to his frustration with his lack of communication skills. He really likes throwing interactive toys at me to make them work, then gets mad when they turn off and whines while bringing them back again. It’s exhausting to deal with. My husband has these big lego figure alarm clocks that light up for about 5 seconds when you press the head down. My son kept throwing one at me to press the head, then he’d smile and walk away with it. It would then go dark 5 seconds later and the cycle would continue, with him getting increasingly frustrated that the light would not stay on. Eventually I just take it away and he throws a fit. I try to take his hand and teach him how to manipulate the item himself to get the desired effect but he really has no interest in doing it himself at this point. It’s much easier to throw something at mommy and have her figure it out. This is something we have to work on.

His eating is still very good. I can tell he probably likes green beans the least of all veggies I feed him but a little Parmesan cheese sprinkle fixes that right up. He eats what we eat with the exception of fast food. He’s also getting better with taking little bites of big things, like half a banana, but I’m still hesitant to let him tackle something like a whole sandwich. He has issues with his rate of consumption, like putting food in his mouth while there’s still food in there. I work hard to make sure he doesn’t choke from his overzealous eating habits. Also he likes throwing food on the floor and doesn’t like using utensils. I’ve gotten him to eat off of a spoon by scooping some food up and handing him the spoon, but he’s very clumsy at it. If I set a plate in front of him he will end up playing with the food and throwing some of the floor so I have been holding the plate with me and scooping the food onto his tray a little at a time. I hate doing this but it keeps him from being wasteful.

We’re on a great schedule and he takes 1 nap a day for around 1.5 hours, and goes down quickly at night. Like I nurse him, lay him in his crib, and he flops right over to his stomach and falls asleep. Having a solid sleep routine from like 6 weeks old is the absolute best thing I ever did that WORKED for him.

So basically, things with P seem to be on track. I’m hoping for some more words soon, that’s the only place where I feel he lags behind. Things with my husband however are going through a big change. I wouldn’t say a bad one, but things were due for an overhaul and the truck is idling in the driveway so to speak. He decided to take lateral move with his job and move to North Carolina at the end of the month. When the cable merger completes he will be able to then transfer to Florida, where we kind of wanted to move all along. It’s convoluted, it’s not guaranteed, I’m super hesitant to uproot again, but the deed is done and he’s pretty dead set on it.

The only reason I wanted to move was because our house was so shitty. Well when the transfer option was put on the table he began renovating like a mad man…you know…like he should have been doing all along. The house looks great now, better than ever. I could actually stay here and be pretty content. We don’t know anyone in NC and it’s 9 hours away from our current home, so we will be completely alone. It goes against everything I’ve ever written in this blog but I DON’T WANT TO LEAVE MY MOM. She helps out so much with Parks and has a good relationship with him that it genuinely upsets me to separate them. But then again, he’s at the age where moving is still an option. Once he grows up a little more and goes to school we’re kind of cemented in place. My husband knows this and that is why he wanted to escape to Florida sooner rather than later. It just feels very rushed and poorly planned. This is the sort of transition that should take 6 months to a year. Instead we’re compacting it into about 2.5. Everything is super crazy right now (hence my lack of updates) and I’m exhausted. I’m just hoping it all works out in the end and this is something that will be a net positive for our family. I do enjoy our Florida family, and not having a ghetto house that needs fixing will probably make for a better husband.

In other news, I got my hemorrhoids removed yesterday! I plan on doing a big surgery/recovery experience post when I’m a little more recovered, but so far so good.

A Day In The Life – Mom of a 12 Month Old

Hear child stirring and grumbling at 7:45. Husband is out of bed doing whatever husbands do before going to work at 8. I roll back over and ignore my human alarm until 8. I’d really like it if he slept in until 8, level with self that by ignoring him I’m teaching him to sleep in. Know deep down this is not the case. Get child at 8. Change diaper while trying to hold my wiggling ninja and keep him from flipping over. He hasn’t sit still for a diaper change in months. I’d assume having a soggy wet night time diaper removed would be heaven, but I guess that level of logic is not achieved yet. Smear A&D on to make future poop removal easier. Snap up pajamas, wonder why pajamas have so many damn snaps. Return to bedroom to nurse. Child nurses for maybe 15 minutes while I read various things on my phone. Posted pictures of his party on facebook recently and someone commented that they would like to see a video of him walking. Having taken one yesterday with Scorsese-like precision, I upload it to Facebook and tag the asker, you know, to look like I have an excuse to post a video of him walking. I tend to overdirect and stage things that I know I’m posting for others to see. Wonder if everyone is that crazy or just me. Enjoy likes rolling in. Let child play and roam for a little bit. 9am rolls around. Gather child in arms and guide dogs out into the back yard. Thankful neighbors do not have their dogs out too. Go inside and portion out dog and cat food. Feed animals. Let child play a little more. He opts to stay in living room and play with stacking cups and fabric blocks. I view likes on video posted to facebook. Admire video some more and decide to count the amount of steps he takes. The answer is 10.

9:30, time for breakfast. Today will be a Yo Toddler organic strawberry banana yogurt/cereal blend cup. They’re pretty tasty. I wiggle the cup to get my son’s attention, then beckon him to follow me to the bedroom. He does, but he isn’t pleased to have to get there under his own momentum. I sit down in my computer chair while child stands off to my side, holding my leg. For some reason this is where we always eat breakfast, with him standing next to me while I sit. Nurse before giving him the yogurt cup. I spoon him his yogurt. He finishes, but shortly after crawls out the door way and spits some of it up. Spit up has become fairly uncommon, but still happens. My son has been a spitter since his first day home. Sit on the floor with him while he plays for a little bit more. Telltale poop sign, I hear him grunting and smell a stinky butt. Poop after breakfast is a 50/50 shot. It comes either post breakfast or lunch and tends to change after a week or so. This week it has been breakfast. Struggle to change diaper because he will not stop twisting. Pray I do not allow him to fling it everywhere. Achieve clean butt. More A&D. It is almost nap time at 10:30. He slept in a little bit today (normally he awakens at 7:30) and fear he will not nap easily. Throw his blankie over my shoulder and put on a lullaby on his simba sound machine. We sway together to the music simply to indicate “this will be nap time”. It is something we have done since he was about 4 months old. Place him down in the crib. Cover with his blankie. Crank mobile. Change lullaby to sea sounds and leave, with door slightly ajar. Sounds clear.

He does not fuss much at all. Hear the same fucking dog that gets left outside every day this week during nap time. Dog is loud and obnoxious. Hope he doesn’t wake my son up. Wonder why there are so many dog-ignoring assholes in my neighborhood. If I can hear your dog, so can you, stop sharing your problems with everyone in the neighborhood and take a little responsibility. Decide if I would like to nap or watch Futurama DVD commentaries from season 8. Opt for DVD. Get going. It’s around 10:50. Peak in on quiet child. To my horror he is just sitting there silently playing with his blanket. Leave and check again 10 minutes later. He has fallen asleep. Dog has been let back inside. DVD watching commences. Watch 3 remaining episodes. Son wakes up before I can watch special features. It’s 12:30. Immediately regret decision not to nap. I feel like shit.

So begins afternoon phase. If day with a baby were a roller coaster, this is the part right after the first hill. Everything leading up to this has been a slow and quiet ascent. Prepare for non stop action until bed time. I change his diaper and nurse him again. We have to get lunch ready. I slaved over a batch of zucchini quinoa Parmesan bites the night before. Place 2 on a plate with a wedge of avocado and open a cup of mandarin oranges. Drain and rinse, there’s too much sugar in the syrup. I read labels of everything I buy and wished fruit didn’t have to come in syrup or juice. WHY CAN’T THEY JUST USE WATER? Figure the rinsing helps. Split cup, half goes on his sectioned plate, half gets dumped in my mouth. I make an avocado grilled cheese for myself. Feel guilty that I feed my child healthy food though I’m addicted to comfort food. Say it’s for the best. Say it’s not really an issue, I’m slim anyway. Feel slightly less guilt. Unfortunately I can not recall what my son was doing while I was making lunch. I believe he was clinging to my leg and whining. Place food near high chair that was left in living room from night before. Snatch child, wash his hands, and grab a bib from his drawer. Sit him in his high chair and begin transferring bites of food from his dinosaur section plate that I got on clearance at Toys R Us to his tray. Juggle this with eating my sandwich. Watch @Midnight from the previous night on the DVR. This is a lunch time ritual for us, though he can’t see the TV. Finish lunch at the same time.

Decide whether or not to leave house today. Decide not to. Decide to fold basket of clothing washed the day before. Every Sunday is laundry day. I do all of my husband’s clothing in 1 load and my son’s and mine in another. I don’t understand the laundry piles other people speak of. I get it all done in one day. Folded husband’s yesterday, for some reason did not find time to fold second load until today. Folding clothes with a loose baby is an exercise in futility. Put on an episode of SNL from the DVR. It is the one where Kristen Wigg hosts. Not a huge fan of hers but I watch it anyway. Takes 4x as long to fold clothes since child crawls through piles, comes to pick folded items up/throw them behind him, picks unfolded items from basket and throws them behind him. While folding one pile he knocks over another. It’s one of my greatest frustrations. Finish folding somehow. Know that I can’t carry it all to his bedroom without leaving some behind. What gets left behind will be completely destroyed by the time I get back. Decide to try a bold strategy. Put son in his Baby Einstein jumper that I got on Craigslist for 20 dollars. He immediately screams and cries, something he does any time he is placed in a restraint of any kind, even one as fun as a jumper. I carry on with moving the folded clothes from the living room down the hall to son’s room. By the time I come back to grab more he is happily bouncing and vocalizing. Mimic his bouncing to his delight. Finish putting clothes away. Release child from bouncy prison.

Remember that son turns 1 tomorrow and I’ve been putting off getting my “free” insurance covered breast pump, since I had one gifted to me anyway and didn’t need a second one. Figure I can sell it on craigslist or ebay. Snicker at the thought of fraud. Reason that it’s not fraud and plenty of moms get them for free without ever intending to breastfeed. Google company I had heard of locally that does breast pumps. Get number and call them. Son has crawled into room and will not stop droning on with his signature yell. On hold a while. Retrieve wallet and insurance card. Lady finally picks up and has a thick southern accent. I imagine her to be overweight with short red hair for some reason. She asks me a series of questions, and doesn’t listen to the answers since I have to repeat myself several times. I walk from room to room to try and avoid my son’s droning. He follows and will not stop the noise. Puts me on hold again once hearing that my son turns one tomorrow and is not being born tomorrow (what she assumed despite me not phrasing it that way at all). Processes all my information, can’t find Dr. under her phone number I provided. I look up the number for the main office and give her that. She is able to find my Dr.’s information now. I wonder how stupid the system is to not have all office numbers available as a reference, what if I didn’t know any better? Assume woman on the phone is mentally challenged since she can’t listen. Assume she is misspelling everything I tell her despite using syntax like “A-B-F as in FRANK, so there is no confusion. Call ends. I know immediately nothing will get processed in time, and I know it’s 100% this woman’s fault. I don’t know who she is but I hate her and her whole family. Text husband’s aunt about his CPAP machine picking up the smell of our glade plug in. She owns and operates sleep clinics and is the reason we have the machine in the first place. Husband says the smell gives him headaches. I can barely smell the scent on his machine. Get a text back with vinegar cleaning instructions. Know that won’t really fix the problem but make a mental note to clean the machine later. Son has managed to empty at least 3 drawers of clothing. I’ll put it back later.

It is now close to 3pm. Son is droning on and on. Remember that the couch needs a new blanket covering since my husband stole the blanket that was originally there. He claims he sleeps better with it over the fuzzy blanket he normally sleeps with. Remember seeing perfect couch blanket at local store just this past weekend. Kick myself for not buying it then. Decide despite saying I would not leave the house today, I leave the house to get the blanket. Reason that I can be back by 4pm, just a short trip won’t be so bad. Get son in car. Realize I left wallet inside because I took it out to get the insurance card. Run back inside to find wallet. Can’t find it. Go back to car to get son since this will take longer than 30 seconds. Find wallet in dirty clothes basket. No idea how it got there. Wonder where insurance card is. It will turn up eventually. Put son back in car. Drive to store. Feels like an eternity, this drive seems longer than usual. Get to store, make B line for blankets find the one I remember seeing. 12.99 for twin, 14.99 for queen. 16.99 for king. Incorrectly think a king will be longer than my last blanket and opt for king. Store normally has a long line but today it’s not so bad. Blank expression on my face. I am exhausted. Buy blanket, leave store. Load child and take a slightly faster route home. Wonder why I didn’t take that way the first time. Home at 4:15. Jeep is indicating it needs gas. Next drivers problem.

Change diaper. Husband mentioned that I didn’t have to make dinner, he would eat left over chicken wings from the past weekend’s party for our son’s birthday. A nice gesture…but I still have to make dinner, just not for him. Lay down with son and nurse. It’s his nap option time. Ever since he was 9 months old he started rebelling against a second nap unless it was super close to bed time. I lay down with him around 4:30 every day and nurse. Maybe 10% of the time he will doze off. I still like giving him the option. It’s the only way he will lay still long enough to fall asleep in the afternoon. He does not take one today. Give up after 15 minutes. It’ s close to 5, time to start dinner. Decide to make turkey quinoa taco bake. It’s something we can eat off of for days. Let son into kitchen. He is still in a yelling/droning mood. He does this quite often for long periods of time. It’s just a phase I tell myself. He gets into literally everything. He has a drawer just for him of plastic spoons, spatulas, Tupperware, various things I decide to put in there for him. He empties it, and just about every other cabinet he can get his mitts on. Curse husband for procrastinating with installing cabinet locks. Instantly regret making taco bake, it takes forever. Thankfuly I cooked quinoa night before for zucchini parmesan bites. Son will not stop droning, and he has decided to empty the metal pans from under the oven. They are super loud and annoying. Brain hurts. Get to the part of recipe that calls for tomato sauce. Know I had 2 cans. Swear I only used 1 before. Can’t find second can. Go crazy looking for it. Concede it’s gone forever. Contemplate running to store nearby. Can not mentally handle leaving the house right now. Break down and use pizza sauce instead. Close enough. Combine ingredients and bake.

Feed child graham sticks and feel bad that dinner is taking so long. Take dogs out again. Neighbors dog it out unattended and barks at mine. I can not handle the noise anymore. Dogs finish up and we go inside. Have some time before taco bake is done. Throw frozen spinach in steam bag. Huge hunk breaks off in hand and scatters all over counter. Salvage what I can and sweep the rest onto ground for dogs. They refuse to eat it. Just leave it there. Wonder if steam bag is BPA free. Assume it is not. Feel guilty. Make mental note to email company. Remember I have to wash CPAP machine. Later. Get back to son’s room. Clothing is still all over the floor. Put it back, but not neatly. Reason that I’m planning on reorganizing drawers as soon as I get suitable vacuum seal bags. The ones I have now are garbage. Flop on floor while son crawls all over me. Google 12 month old portion sizes. Have misplaced fears of son becoming obese despite only being in the 18th percentile for weight. Find site that is all about the evils of baby food jars. Feel guilty. Taco bake is almost done, just needs foil off for 10 minutes. Scoop some out and put it on a plate to cool for son. Remember that new blanket needs to be washed before using it. Grab blanket and pillow from couch and put items in the washer downstairs. Come back upstairs. Get son ready for dinner. Take taco bake out of the oven and prepare a plate for myself. We sit down to eat. He eats whatever I put in front of him and never seems to get full. Throw chunks of spinach on his tray while I wolf down my tacos. We finish dinner. I take tray and plates to be cleaned.

Change into pajama pants. Find insurance card in the pocket from earlier. We sit down on the floor, but son is still in a droning mood. Put on SNL episode. It’s the best of Mike Myers. I’ve seen it 100 times. I guess I’ll make it 101. Flip through facebook. Enjoy likes and comments on video posted. See favorite band has posted a new song. But it’s not my son’s birthday my mind thinks. Oh duh, it is…basically. Knew band was releasing song on the 21st and pegged it to birthday. Couldn’t fathom birthday being tomorrow. I mute TV and listen to song. Song is by band with heavy Russian accents but I latch on to the chorus lyrics “you don’t have to be strong enough….”. Groove pretty hard. Feel instantly better. Decide to open Alphabet Train son got for his birthday. Needs wheels put on with screwdriver. Can’t handle that right now. Aint nobody got time for that. Play with it anyway. Place blocks in the top and they shoot out the back. Son sees me do it and he tries to do it himself. Proud mama.

It is close to 7pm bath time. I get his bath drawn and pour his “last” bottle of breastmilk. My supply has been tanking and I decided to give up pumping overnight to keep it up. Bottle is only 2oz. Get into tub with son. He dunked my phone yesterday, caused it to break for a few hours, but it’s fine now. For the first time ever he seems very disinterested in bath play and more interested in sucking on my boobs. I find it quite cute. Husband comes home from work and comes into bathroom to say hi. Laughs at son breastfeeding in the tub. I soap up his noggin and ask husband why the drain doesn’t work. I know the answer, I just want to indicate that I’m tired of it and need it fixed ASAP. I’m going to fix it this weekend, I promise. Our house needs a lot of repairs….a LOT. This feels like a small victory. We will see if it actually gets fixed though. Struggle to rinse noggin, there is no child on the planet that understands “tilt your head back”. It will always sound like a foreign language to them. Reach for Earths Best training toothpaste and finger brush. Child gets excited and licks his lips. The flavor is apple and pear and he apparently thinks it’s a treat. Tiny blob on brush and present to child, who opens his mouth like a baby bird. I scrub away at the 2 bottom teeth, get the entire mouth, and try to brush the one fang coming in up top. Wonder why my child’s top teeth are coming in out of order. Worry. Hand him washrag to “rinse”, he sucks water off of it. Husband goes to eat chicken wings. Get out of tub and towel myself off and get dressed. Grab child from tub and towel him off. Bring him over to the lightswitch. Turn the light off I ask. He reaches out, fiddles with the switch, and turns it off. Proud mama. We have been practicing the light turning off task since he was 6 months old. He completely understands it now.

Head to bedroom for jamies and diaper. Put on overnight diaper. Wonder if there’s really a difference between overnights and regular diapers that boast 12 hour protection. Decide it’s probably just a marketing scam. Decide not to buy anymore overnights when this pack is up. Remember CPAP needs to be cleaned. Do it later. Put on pajamas. Again curse pajamas for having too many snaps. Carry son to my bedroom for his final nurse. There won’t be much left since he sucked some out during bath time. We nurse anyway. When he won’t love on the bosom anymore I present the last bottle. He sucks it dry and won’t stop. I think he’s just in a sucking mood today. I snuggle him close to me and move into his bedroom. I turn on the overhead stars despite there being too much ambient light to see them. It’s a habit from winter time. We do not have darkening shades. Son whines a bit, but goes down quickly after the bedtime mantra I have said to him since his first nights alone in the crib at 6 weeks. Goodnight P, I love you, sleep tight, I’ll see you in the morning. Press same sound button as nap time on the simba sound soother on my way out. I don’t hear any complaints. It is 8pm.

Go back to my bedroom, where the lights are off and it’s much darker because of the shade tree outside the windows. Flop on bed. Remember CPAP needs cleaning. Do it later. Husband comes in in shirt and underwear saying he needs to take a shower. Flops down next to me anyway. We get to talking about my day, about his day. We both vent about stuff. I vent about dumb people on facebook, the obese 5 year old news story I read, how I try so hard to be a good mom that it drives me nuts. He vents about his workplace, mostly about how he tries to whip his crew of men into shape. There’s a reason my husband is their leader, he’s one of the best workers they have. Apparently most others are lazy good for nothings. Time flies in our discussion. I lay my leg over his without thinking. He pipes up “I really like it when you drape yourself over me, makes me feel like you actually want me, that you love me.” Feel guilty that I don’t show husband enough love. He has his flaws, there are days I want to claw his eyes out, but today is not one of them, because he is simply talking to me and letting me vent and not arguing. We talk until 8:40. I encourage him to take his shower. I know what husband would like and is in the mood for. Like 99% of the time, I am not in the mood. It’s something I wish I could fix, but I just don’t have the same drive I used to. Husband is a physical, touchy feely lover. If I don’t show him love in a physical way he gets very sad and pent up. Know what I have to do. Want to make him happy, just don’t want to be touchy. Husband finishes shower and lays on the couch silently. I was correct in my assumption. Spend some time with husband intimately. He is visibly happier. Mission accomplished. He retires to his mancave in the basement and I decide to take a hot bath and have a big chocolate chip cookie my mother brought me from Amish country. It is now 9:30.

Remember CPAP needs cleaning. Decide to bring jug of vinegar into bathroom with me. Disassemble CPAP and fill sink with vinegar and water. Dunk all parts and let them sit for 30 minutes in the solution. Watch some videos in the tub on my Galaxy Tab 2. Watch video about the obese 5 year old. Watch another video, a vice documentary about reborn babies. Totally get where these women are coming from. All the beauty and “fun” of a newborn with out all the bad parts. Get out of tub half way through to rinse and dry CPAP parts. They still have a scent to them, the scent was never bad to begin with. Get back into tub. Finish documentary. Husband comes in asking when I will be done because he has to poop. I tell him I’m done and start to get out. Dry off, get dressed. Put CPAP back together. Turn it on and let it air out a little. Get blanket from dryer. Put it on the couch. Have to fold some of it back because there’s too much fabric in the wrong place. Take dogs out for the last time. Brush and floss teeth. Lay in bed and watch a little TV. It’s around 11. Husband comes in. We go to sleep.

11 Months!

Tomorrow the biggest little man ever turns 11 months. We’re in the home stretch here! I haven’t even planned his party yet, it still seems so far away and yet it’s not. Oh well, on to the updates!

Those pesky teeth are practically all the way in. I thought it would be weird seeing my baby with teeth but it actually seems normal, as if they were there all along. No sign of any companion teeth though, so it looks like we’ll be heading into a year with 2 lone teeth. Better than none I suppose.

He’s still cruising quickly and crawling, but no independent steps. He will hover briefly without holding on to anything, but he drops down to his butt and doesn’t step. He also dives for things while cruising, which looks a little like proto walking. He’s getting there. I still don’t think there will be any steps before his birthday, but knowing him he might have a trick up his sleeve.

Ever since we came back from our Florida vacation I have ditched jars and purees almost entirely. P man now eats table food exclusively. I usually feed him a healthier variation on what I eat, and I try to make him a chicken breast that I cut into 2 meals. Everything gets ripped into small pieces since I don’t trust him to have a big piece that he bites smaller pieces off of. The only thing he eats that way is the Ella’s kitchen baby cookies. For some reason he’s not too bad with those and can handle large chunks. No real sign of pickiness yet, he’s a garbage disposal and eats everything I set in front of him. The kid never sends me full signals. He also drinks water from a sippy and recently began to tip it properly. He drinks from it like a champ! Unfortunately he lets some dribble out of his mouth so if I set a sippy of water out for him I have to put a bib on him until it’s gone or else his shirt gets soaked.

Our days are relaxing somewhat compared to the beginning of P’s life. He wakes up around 7:30, I breastfeed him, then he crawls around the bedroom playing with his bin of toys, nurse and breakfast at 9:30, usually yogurt, a banana, or a toddler cereal bar. Then he has a nap at 10:30, which can last 1-2 hours, which is fantastic. He gets up, nurse and lunch. Lunch can be just about anything but I’ve been doing mini cheese quesadillas, hummus, avocados, tuna, left overs, and hard boiled eggs a lot. Then we tend to go out somewhere just to get out of the house. Home around 3 or 4. Sometimes he will take a second nap on my boob for 30 or so minutes around 4, but the longer the first nap is the less likely he is to want it. Doesn’t seem to bother him staying up 8 hours until bed time. Then he gets dinner around 5:30/6, usually chicken, veggie, and side, bath a little after 7, nurse, then bed at 8, and he goes down pretty quickly. Rinse repeat every day. It works nicely for us and I’m so relieved to have a schedule that works.

P still doesn’t have any real words, but his babbling conveys emotion. It’s like he’s speaking gibberish mixed with yelling, facial expressions, and raspberries. He’s extremely silly and is full of laughs and smiles for just about everyone and everything. He recently started clapping but does not clap in response to anything specific, and does not clap to mimic my clapping. He can be yelling and fighting a diaper change and randomly start clapping. It’s meaningless at this point, but at least he has started the action. No real waves either. It’s hard to tell with that because he waggles his arms and hands around so much that it’s hard to say if he’s mimicking a wave or just playing around.

My only concerns at this point are making sure he gets nutritious meals that aren’t riddled with lots of salt and additives, taking care of his new teeth, and figuring out the introduction of whole milk, though I have another  month to worry about that.

Things with my husband are the same as they have always been, frustrating. And as usual, it almost all centers around the house. We’re at a really big crossroads right now in terms of what we want to do with our lives. We’re deciding whether we want to move to Florida or stay here. He has applied to jobs in Florida and has had phone interviews with the 2 main ones that he wants to work for. One will have a decision for him in less than a week. If they take him, we’re ditching everything and moving. If the other company takes him and offers a proper amount of money, we ditch everything and move. If neither one take him we’re staying in this god awful house until he can get it sellable….aka for-fucking-ever at the pace my husband completes thing. Ladies….is there even such a thing as a man that works quickly on things? Or keeps to a schedule/deadlines? No? I thought so. He rattled off a laundry list of things he wants to do, and all I see is cash being thrown in a black hole and probably another 2 years living here. I know that he just wants to push this house to the top of the neighborhood sales potential, but I know how crappy the housing market is. Selling a home, even one with a ton of renovations, isn’t easy. He refuses to add in the costs of his time and every little nickle and dime put into the home because he sees them as sunk costs. If you add the price of the house plus every last cent spent on renovation, I doubt we will actually profit after it sells. He will call it a success, but I know better. It’s a lot of work just to walk away with 10 grand in your pocket after all is said and done. If he is willing to throw it all away and sell it as the work in progress it is to move to Florida then why can’t he do the same right now to get me somewhere nicer? I don’t get it. I don’t think he understand that he isn’t mentally fit to work on a project the size of a house because he’s too damn scatterbrained and works on too many things at once. Renovating a home and holding a full time job + overrtime is work enough but nope, he also got completely derailed selling video games on ebay, building an arcade cabinet for a game he played twice, getting his masters degree, getting his CCNA and CCNT certifications, and building this stupid home TV network that he only recently scrapped because it never worked properly. And he thinks I’m stupid for pointing all of this out! I’m the bad guy for being completely mental and frustrated by all of this! Then he has the nerve to complain about how busy he is. He isn’t happy until he’s spread transparently thin, then cries about it. What the fuck is that about?

If the house wasn’t enough of a wedge I’m also completely tiring of the way he acts. I hate to say it but I use the term “autistic” as an insult to him for the way he acts, as in “stop acting so fucking autistic, Rain Man”. He gets in these crab ass moods where he pouts and gets moody over the smallest things and then gives 1 word answers like a damn toddler when I try to ask him to talk out what’s bugging him. When he wants to interact with me he interrupts what I’m doing and stands 2 inches from my face and stares at me. I can be playing a Mario Kart online match and he just STARES until I acknowledge him. I can’t stay calm and rational when I am being stared at and in the middle of something so I yell at him to go away, then he pouts about how I don’t want him. I want you stupid I JUST WANT YOU TO ACT LIKE AN ADULT WHO ISN’T MENTALLY HANDICAPPED. I’m touched out 110% of the time because I’m Parks’ soul caretaker, and I keep telling him that I do NOT welcome his touch. Being grabbed, smacked, patted, rubbed, all of it just bugs the shit out of me. It’s not him, he’s ME. If anyone touched me I’d feel the same way and yet he STILL DOES IT ALL THE DAMN TIME. He gives me the whiny “but I’m a man and I’m attracted to you, some men are not attracted to their wives, you should feel happy” spiel. Like I get it, men are visual creatures and get handsy and horny, but I’m an ice queen and want nothing to do with all of that since P man came along. My batteries are drained and I do not get recharged, and he just comes along and tries to empty me even more. Then doesn’t understand why I’m always on edge and crabby. “Oh I like getting you all riled up!” “I like it when you’re mad!” WHAT THE HELL! WHO SAYS THAT?! I know relationships are a 2 way street and it sounds like I’m not really giving anything and you’d be right. I really don’t. I give every last piece of me to my child because he requires all of it. There’s nothing left for my husband. It wouldn’t be that way if I had help or if I had a career and got to spread myself around but right now I have a tiny emotional parasite that is sapping my ability to be romantic and forgiving to my manchild husband. Do I love him? Yes. He’s my best friend and probably the only person who would ever put up with my flavor of BS. But he also knows the same goes for him, that I am the only one that would have him with all of his antics and flaws. We’re a good match because we’re both off sync with the rest of the world. 2 rare flowers growing in the same patch of dirt. I don’t think I could ever leave him despite all that he has put me through, all that I’ve written about and the things I keep between us. Maybe I’m stupid, but I’m smart enough to know most people could write similar passages about their relationships, especially those reaching the 10 year mark. Nearly every woman I talk to with kids has lamented the lack of help the fathers give. One woman works and her man stays home, but she’s the only one. It sounds like men just need to grow up and get with the program in general.

75% Completion

Tomorrow we round the last corner into the home stretch. 9 mother….fucking….months. It seems like just yesterday I was crying about hemorrhoids the size of an unshelled peanut and huddling in a mass in the corner, afraid of my 7lb shrieking child.

The past month has been fairly blissful, possibly the best month yet. The nonsense crying was kept to a minimum but still existed. It seemed as soon as 8 months rolled around Parks mastered crawling, and with it came the freedom he has been craving since the beginning. Now that he crawls like a champ he doesn’t have time for crying!

As if mastering crawling wasn’t enough, he is also a pro at pulling to stand and transitioning from a crawl to a sit, back again, and from a crawl or sit to pull up to stand. His mobility exploded off the charts this past month. Cruising is next on the agenda for him. He does cruise, but it’s not very fast, and he certainly hasn’t mastered it yet. Since he went from nothing to clunky crawling to crawling pro in such a short time, I expect him to be proficiently cruising by next post. I also wonder if he will stand unassisted by then. Right now he has it down to 1 hand, or no hands while leaning his belly against something. I don’t expect any unassisted steps by next post despite the fact that my mother says my brother walked at 10 months. I just don’t see it happening. He can very clumsily walk with his walker, right now it tends to get away from him and he plays catch up.

STILL NO GOD DAMN TEETH. I’m so seriously angry at the lack of teeth in this kid’s mouth. It’s not even like there’s one starting to poke through, there’s no sign of teeth! He bites, raspberries constantly, still nonsense cries, tugs his ears and holds his head. Those damn teeth are in there and bothering him. JUST COME OUT ALREADY!. My grandmother thinks this means that he will get a bunch of teeth at once. I hope that isn’t the case. How sucky would that be?

Currently Parks eats both jars and table food depending on what is available. He gets boob in the morning, then a 4oz jar of fruit mixed with baby cereal for brunch after his first (and sometimes only) nap, boobs throughout the day every 2-3 hours as a snack usually with a bunch of puffs or a baby cookie, dinner around 5 consisting of another 4-6oz of food. He eats whatever I put in front of him. He’s had just about everything. I make a chicken breast for him and cut it into 2-3 days worth of shredded chicken, along with veggies and such. I just cut everything into bite sized pieces. This kid is SO food motivated. It doesn’t matter that I feed him his dinner before I eat and he’s nice and full, he still whines and tries to grab food off my plate when I eat. If he can’t get to my plate he hovers near me and gives me hungry eyes. I joke that I now have 3 animals begging for food when I eat. I’m thinking I’ll try to add a breakfast meal before his first nap, but some days he still spits up milk during that time, and I’m afraid of overfeeding him.

Current issues include his second nap and still spitting up. I dread feeding him anything orange. It never fails that he spits some of it back up and it stains my carpet and his clothes. At 9 months you’d think the spitting up would be long gone but oh no, when has Parks ever done anything by the book? Speaking of which, this kid has never been a by the book napper. He takes his first nap between 10 and 11:30 depending on when he wakes up. Sometimes he absolutely refuses a second nap and won’t sleep again until bed time at 8. You think he’d be a total crab ass by then but he usually isn’t overly crabby. Getting him to take a second crib nap depends on a lot of things, so lately I’ve been settling for him getting a few winks in while nursing. He will usually not take this second nap until 4 or 5pm. Still ends up sleeping well at 8 with minimal fussing so who knows.

Right now he is so go go go that I’m astounded he doesn’t sleep more. Mommy needs a break most of the time, and she doesn’t get it. Daddy still doesn’t bother watching the child, he’s too busy filling his plate with school and work and all sorts of other crap, making excuses as to why he shouldn’t give me a break. I feel like a single mom and it’s really affecting my desire to have more children. I refuse to have more until my husband is done with school and can dedicate time to being a family man instead of prioritizing all this other BS. It’s stressful to say the least. Most of the time I decide I’m happier by myself since all the attention he gives me is attention I don’t want. He acts so stupid, it bugs me. I realize this is a hard period, so I’m willing to work through it.

Still struggling with Diastasis Recti 9 months post postpartum. I hate the way I look at feel. I only have 4lbs of baby weight left to lose and yet my stomach is such a misshapen saggy mess. It’s depressing. I have like 0 muscle tone so everything is floppy and gross. When I wear properly fitting pants I get a big old roll of skin that hangs over when I bend. If I go the next size up the pants are falling off my ass! Even wearing shapewear doesn’t help, it just condenses my roll into a big blob. I hate this. I’m a slim ass woman, I don’t need a belly roll. It’s starting to take a toll on my back as well. With no muscle support in my abdomen my back has been picking up the slack. Since Parks is constantly on the move and the list of chores never done, I rarely get a chance to lay down and relax. Fingers crossed I get a spa day for Mother’s day. I deserve that shit.

8 Months and practically a big boy

Parks turns 8 months tomorrow, and the fact that his first birthday is 4 months away astounds me. I swear I just gave birth to him yesterday! He feels more physically mature since last post. He sits all by himself perfectly with no wobble, and even started crawling. He went from his normal shuffling and rolling to popping up on his knees and rocking, to clumsy forward crawling in a span of 2 weeks or so. He still chooses to roll to his destination a lot, but he will force himself to crawl forward as well. As if crawling wasn’t enough for one month, he also began to pull to stand. Again, super clumsy at it, but if put in a sitting position near something grabable, he will try to pull himself up on it, and usually succeed. He will also crawl over to my lap, put his hands on it and raise his butt up into a dog position. If I offer both of my hands to him he will reach for them with both hands as well, grab on, and try to stand up with my help. He’s all about standing up on those wobbly legs these days. His only problem is going from crawl to sit. Once he can master that he has unlocked all the skills necessary to autonomously get himself in any position, including a stand. He will be UNSTOPPABLE.

With crawling comes even more demands on my attention. Parks LOVES cords. Like fuck toys and games, if I left the kid with a pile of dangerous cords he would be in cloud 9. Speaking of which, WTF is up with babies and their innate draw to inanimate objects? I took Parks to a playdate with a friend and he played with a remote while the other baby played with a water bottle. They’re like cats, whatever toys you buy them are no match for a piece of garbage you forgot to pick up. He requires constant supervision, so naturally I look forward to his bed time so I can stare at the ceiling or whatever little pleasure requires no other attention. His naps vary wildly,  up to 4 hours awake and 30-90 minutes asleep. There’s really no predictability with this baby.

I still nurse, still the same old issues with supply, but things have been fairly constant. I think I can pinpoint the issue to the week of my cycle. My supply is down 7-9 days before coming back to normal. Everything I read online says “a few days” of low supply. BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. I’d kill to have only 3 days of down supply. I’m sure it depends on my nutritional state or whatever but I take my vitamins and nurse often and nothing pulls it back up until my body’s hormones get back in sync. It sucks but what can you do. I realize now why most women quit nursing. It’s bull shit! The older they get the more ADHD they get, to the point that nursing becomes an exercise in futility against a baby who’s practicing to run away to the circus. Parks nurses so distracted even if there’s nothing to distract him. He distracts himself with his need to roll at this particular moment. He also seems to nurse exclusively on the tip now and I can hear air escaping frequently. It’s like he’s trying to use my nipple as a straw. It’s annoying an uncomfortable and he refuses to eat properly these days. I just keep trying and make sure he gets his milk.

Food has been good, we’ve even started on table food. I bought him some Happy Puffs and let him feed himself. Once he demonstrated that he could eat them and not choke and die, I started giving him other small pieces of food. He now begs for food like one of the dogs. If I eat anything near him he gives me a hungry face and tries to get something off my plate. I still don’t know when I’ll make the leap off of spoon feeding. It’s comforting to know a number of ounces of solids he gets in a jar vs in the scraps of food I would be feeding him otherwise. Plus I don’t always have healthy, baby friendly options available to feed him like I do from a jar. Jars are just so convenient. He’s still developing pincer grip, he grabs items with his thumb and the side of his fingers, but not accurately. He’s definitely trying to get there and I’m sure he will in another month.

He’s still my crab assy baby, which is draining to say the least. No one understands because if he’s around other people he’s fine! When he’s stuck with me alone all day he gets so fussy and bored. I hate it because I refuse to be a human 3 ring circus for him for 12 hours a day. Being bored isn’t going to kill him. Sounds harsh but I really tend to ignore his bored cries. If he’s fed, napped, and clean, he can whine as far as I’m concerned. His consonant babbling is getting better, but he still chooses to voice a single sound with different inflections to convey his feelings. That sound is “ah”. From a long drawn out ahhhhhh to a short and quick AH he tries to get by with just that one sound. It bothers me because I’d rather him try to use different sounds rather than one sound different ways.

In other non baby related but totally blog related news, I lost my job. Yep, that job, the one I’ve been ranting and raving about since the beginning. Along with infertility, my job presented another source of misery and frustration in my life, and now it too is gone. How do I feel? Conflicted, naturally. Since I am not sure how my employer is going to react to my unemployment filing (better not fight it) I’m going to pull a Forest Gump for the time being. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Rounding the home stretch into 9 months/the last 25%, I’m optimistic. The weather will finally stop being so cold and depressing, Parks is on a fairly good routine, and he’s going to continue getting more mature. We’re planning on moving in the next year, probably back to Florida, so I have a definite out from this awful house coming. Things are finally starting to look up…

 

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