85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Archive for the ‘Main Journey’ Category

Gummy Bear

The holidays are over, finally! We got to tell the entire family and everyone seemed pleased. We even called hubby’s aunt, who put us on speaker in front of the entire family down there. Overall things went well.

I had my 8 week scan today and was pleased to see a much larger fetus than last time. It’s no longer a baby sprinkle, it’s a baby gummy bear! Little tiny stumpy arms and all! Yolk sac is still there too.

ImageI was actually able to SEE the heart beating this time which made me pretty happy. It’s exciting to have something that resembles a tiny human growing inside of me. The heart rate was 183.

I’m starting to get pretty excited. The family knows, I’ve made it past 2 growth scans, and everything seems to be going well. We even parked in the expectant mother parking at Toys R Us yesterday. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m in dire need of a nap.

Time For Christmas

I can’t say much has happened since last post. I’m just waiting on my next check up on the 27th and eagerly await seeing how much my baby has grown.

I can’t shake the paranoia that something will happen though. I think it’s because I don’t really “feel” pregnant. Sure I’m bloaty, a tiny bit nauseous from time to time, and somewhat tired, but I don’t feel pregnant. I guess I shouldn’t complain since some women get terrible symptoms and wish they felt normal. To me, throwing up every day lets me know my baby is still alive and growing. When you don’t have anything going on it allows room for the paranoia to set in, I would almost welcome vomiting. We only have about a month left in the first trimester, so I doubt my nausea will ramp up in that time.

Tomorrow is Christmas, and like most adults it’s only a moderately exciting day compared to childhood. My husband is like a child though, he begs to open his gifts as soon as I put them under our tiny table top tree. This has lead to us opening gifts on Christmas eve instead of Christmas morning. I’m pretty sure I know what he got me. A tablet of some sort (probably Samsung Galaxy Tab), maternity jeans, a green glitter iphone case, and maybe my Futurama season 7 DVD. There are 5 gifts though so I guess one is a surprise, I’m going to go with a skirt.

We’re also telling our families tomorrow, something I’m not really looking forward to. I’m going to tell them not to spread the word just yet but I guarantee they will because they don’t respect my wishes, never have. Normally we visit my husband’s mom, then his dad, and then my family for dinner. This year we are not visiting his mom since her husband’s mom died and I guess they’re just canceling Christmas this year. That’s fine, she’s always kind of teetering on the edge of sanity and financial collapse. Meaning she usually gets us random stuff we don’t want and end up throwing away. I don’t particularly mind that we won’t be visiting her. I’ll leave my husband in charge of calling her with the news.

I’d also like to call my husband’s aunt and uncle in Florida and tell them the news and allow them to spread it to the family down there visiting. Hubby’s cousin and his wife will be there visiting, and I know for a fact they have been struggling to conceive. I’d feel bad normally because I’ve been there, but they just seem to be going about everything the wrong way, and his wife is not well liked by the family because she’s just a little bit insane. I know when his aunt tells them we’re expecting she’ll likely throw a hissy fit. I tried reaching out to her once to let her know “I understood” where she was coming from, but nothing ever came of it. My husband and I have been together longest of all 3 pairs of married male cousins. The second to get married is now divorced, and the aforementioned cousins are the third pair. Somehow we deserve to be expecting first. I know it’s evil of me, but I honestly want to see the look on her face when they tell her. It would simultaneously make my Christmas while ruining hers. HOW EVIL!

I intend to announce on Facebook around January 1st, and at the same time make it known that I have been struggling with infertility. Most of my close friends already know and are ecstatic that things worked out.

Let’s hope that baby keeps on growing!

Baby Sprinkle

Thursday afternoon finally made it’s way here. Hubby and I were about 10 minutes late because he couldn’t decide what to wear. Not because of the doctor’s appointment but because we were going to my company Christmas party a few hours after and he didn’t want to come home.

We were lead into an ultrasound room and waited for a while for my doctor. Left on the screen were not one but two 9 week babies from the woman before. They looked amazing! It’s hard to believe in another 3 weeks I will have something that actually resembles a baby. My doctor finally came in, looking incredibly pregnant, with yet another new face. This one was introduced as Doctor W. Wow, this one is a doctor. “Do you think we’re going to see THAT?” joked Doc M about the 2 babies on the screen. I told her yeah right, especially not 9 week babies. In typical Doc M fashion, she gave the reigns to her protege and let her try to find my uterus. She kept finding my ovaries until my doctor instructed her on where to look. The screen was turned at an angle from me, so that the doctors and my husband could see but I barely could. “We got one…..with a heartbeat!”. Woo hoo I said. “And measuring perfectly!”

I could sort of make out the gestational sac from where I was but couldn’t see the fetus, and certainly not the heartbeat. “See that?” She said to my husband. “That flickering?” he said. Apparently she was showing him the heartbeat. She never ended up showing me. By the time she turned the screen to me she turned on the sound thingy and we got to hear the heartbeat instead. I believe it was 123 bpm. She told me my ovaries were enlarged and definitely no exercise. Makes me feel a little better about the gut I’ve been developing. I get to stay on PIO shots for another 2 weeks, which wouldn’t suck so much if I didn’t develop an allergy to them. I now get itchy red patches over every injection site. Some nurses went rogue and poked me lower in my ass to avoid them which just produced large welts, I’m guess because they were in fat an not muscle. My ass is a war zone. Good thing I have that 2% hydrocortizone cream from Monistat! It works well on my itchy blotches.

We got a picture of our baby sprinkle and told to come back in 2 weeks. The picture wasn’t great either, not zoomed in or anything but you can see the gestational sac and yolk sac with a line that is apparently the baby at the top.

The next day we were having our lunch meeting at work, Subway turkey sandwiches. I absent mindedly put some mayonnaise on my sandwich before taking a long pause to stare at it. I’m not supposed to have lunch meat. When a female coworker prodded me as to what was wrong with my sandwich I just sort of eeked out “something….about….lunch meat….”. Apparently that was all I needed to say to alert the two women I work with to the fact that I’m pregnant. The rest of the lunch was spent telling me all the great things about pregnancy, without prodding me to spill extra details. I guess it’s unspoken now. They know, but they didn’t ask for confirmation, and I basically confirmed without saying “I’m pregnant.”

Now we have the task of telling our families. The next time we’re going to see them in person is Christmas, so that’s probably when it will be done. It would be nice to wait a little longer, but I don’t feel like making a special trip later on. Neither one of us is particularly close to our families, and neither one has any idea this news is coming (except hubby’s aunt). I think I’m just going to bring out an extra present when everyone is done opening and give my mom a small gift bag with a pacifier in it. That will probably be all that’s needed. I hope she doesn’t cry or anything….it’s not like she’s going to be over every day hanging out with her grand child or anything and I don’t want her to get her hopes up, it’s still early. I know these will be her only grandchildren because my brother is socially awkward and can’t get a girlfriend to save his life, and at 27 that’s a little sad.

My mother does nothing to push him out of his comfort zone, apparently to her having a 27 year old awkward shopping buddy who still lives at home is preferable to being a parent and pushing him to succeed. My entire life has been “we don’t trust you because you aren’t like your brother who has no friends and never goes out”. Apparently having a normal child was too much for my parents to handle. Every child should be like my brother to them. Slightly retarded, immature, and friendless. Yay having a child who never gets into trouble because he doesn’t do normal child things! I’m the disappointment because I left home and actually got a real life. Well what goes around comes around. I don’t like the way I was raised so they aren’t getting a chance to ruin my child. My own grandparents were basically the same way, fucking insane. My grandfather tried to run us out of his house when I was 8 because my brother loved fighting with me (because when you get picked on in school it’s fun to pick on your little sister apparently). They would always scream about stupid shit and kids being kids and complaining that we didn’t love them. They’re right, we didn’t. My grandma on my mom’s side was better, but still had issues. She would buy us toys and then never let us play with them! I had tinker toys that I loved to play with at her house and I think I got to play with them maybe 5 times before she stopped letting me play with them for no reason at all. I would see them on her stairs, I would ask to play with them, and she’d straight up say no. She still to this day calls me a brat for no reason, gee how polite. Every time I walk into a family gathering and sit down I get bombarded with passive aggressive “HELLO, DON’T YOU SAY HELLO? I’M SAYING HELLO TO YOU”.  They don’t get me and the fact that I don’t usually do the warm greeting thing, especially with people I don’t care about. Instead they like to whisper amongst themselves about what a terrible person I am, with no mention of the fact that how I was raised plays into that. I’ve tried explaining that they just don’t “get” me and I’m not trying to be mean to them when I don’t say hi or leap the send them a thank you card, but they treat me like I’m 10 and mock me instead. No one in my family knows how to just be a PERSON and not a distant disciplinarian. Raising a child = raising an obedient underling who listens to everything you say without question. Yeah, no thanks, I don’t subscribe to that brand of crazy…

6 Weeks….?

Today makes 6 weeks….? I say …? because I haven’t seen into my uterus yet. There is hopefully something the size of an ice cream sprinkle in there, growing away, with a heart beat. Thursday can not come fast enough because I’m freaking out! What if there’s nothing alive in there? What if it stopped growing?

On top of that I’ve been bloated as hell. Like if I eat a big meal I get shooting gas pains for a half hour to an hour. Also my kitty loves to crawl all over me and seems to home in on squishing my boobies with his huge 14lb ass. Yes, 14lbs sounds like a fat cat but I just have a big, bulky, long kitty. See?

demi

It’s hard denying his snuggles but his paws are like hot lava on my boobs. Speaking of lava, fuck Lovenox. It is legitimately like injecting hot lava into your skin. I could totally deal with it if the needles weren’t dull as hell too.

2 more days! THURSDAY HURRY UP DAMN IT!

Night By Night

I feel like I’m crawling through the desert in search of an oasis. This is a whole new breed of 2 week wait. You wait 2 weeks just to get a positive beta, then you wait another 2 weeks for an ultrasound! So much waiting. I don’t do well with waiting.

Going by the IVF due date calculators, I’m 5 weeks today. Hard to believe my egg retrieval was exactly 3 weeks ago. Still hasn’t sunk in. I won’t believe I’m pregnant until a little heart beat appears on my screen.

In the mean time, my symptoms come and go. My boobs vary in pain level. They’re very full but haven’t been as crazy painful as they were initially. I think my skin finally stretched and got used to it. Still bloated and look fairly pregnant. Getting an odd symptom where both of my hips where I lay on my side burn. I can’t explain it, it feels like a rash but there’s nothing there. I thought maybe it was some odd pressure sore so I convinced my hubby to split the cost on a nice memory foam mattress topper. Slept well on it, but the rash feeling persists. Most of all, I’m tired. Unless I’m out and about I will fall asleep like clock work every afternoon. And then I fall asleep early at night. I sleep so much and I don’t even care. Sometimes I pee alot, sometimes I don’t.

It’s only Tuesday, my ultrasound isn’t until NEXT Thursday. I can’t wait that long to find out what’s going on in there!

Day by day

Beta 2 came in today. I was completely nervous about this one since it means a lot more than the first one.

  • Tuesday was 89.
  • Today was 186.

That’s basically a textbook 48 hour double!

I was pretty happy to hear that, one more load off my mind. The IVF nurse asked if I had time to come down and get a quick lesson in Lovenox injections. I said sure!

Lovenox, you fucking suck. The nurse offered to stab me after a quick lesson but I said I could do it myself, and gave my now completely stretched and bloated tummy a shot. No problem in that department, except LOVENOX BURNS LIKE HELL. Ugh, imagine the immediate sting of Menopur with the lingering sting of Ganarelix and you have lovely Lovenox. I did the shot maybe 8 hours ago and the site is still tender. No bruise, but you get a lovely red dot. 9 months of this? Can I just have 9 months of progesterone shots please? Seriously I prefer them to this! At least they come in prefilled syringes and have a neat little spring loaded trap to cover the sharp when you’re done so you can just throw it in the trash.

I’m scared of being on blood thinners, but because Factor V is known to cause clotting and early miscarriages, I will endure what I have to to keep this pregnancy alive. I’m just scared of cutting myself and bleeding out or getting bruised by every little bump. My progesterone shots are probably going to start bleeding and bruising more. I’m going to look beat the hell up by the time the baby is born.

Now the quiet time begins. Nothing happens until December 13, 2 weeks from now. I get my first ultrasound at 6 weeks and get to hopefully see a tiny heart beating away. My husband will be there which is lovely. Keep growing little bean, please don’t turn out to be an empty sac!

The Beta Is In

My tests have increased in darkness so I wasn’t completely depressed going into my beta. I knew there would be some number, I just didn’t know what it would be.

When I got the call around 12:30 this afternoon I decided to pay close attention to how the news was delivered. The IVF nurse seemed pretty calm before saying ” I have some good news”. If I didn’t know either way I would have guessed she was delivering bad news by how calm she was.

This morning while getting my draw I asked what a “good” number would be and was told 50-100, but even if I got something like a 34 but it doubles fine that’s all that matters.

My number was 89. Right within the range it needs to be I guess. I tried to look up other 11dp3dt betas and most seem to come back in the 120s-200s. That made me feel a little sad that mine appears to be lower then some other peoples betas. I know it doesn’t really matter.

Next draw is in 2 days. I asked if I could start taking a vaginal yeast infection treatment and was told yes. God I hope this infection goes away soon, it’s making me miserable.

When is it going to start feeling real? There’s just so many things that can go wrong that it scares me that things could go wrong. One day at a time I guess. Let’s hope for a nice high number on Thursday.

Beta day tomorrow

After my last post I decided to continue testing. The tests keep getting darker….This is a first. When I got my progesterone shot I asked if I could get my beta today but was shot down.

It’s 15dpt, 10dp3dt. There is absolutely no way the trigger is showing in my system this late, and certainly not this dark, and certainly certainly not getting darker. Although I should be bouncing off the walls with joy, I’m not. I think I’ve done too good of a job suppressing my emotions for positive things. Once I get my beta number tomorrow it will start to feel real. Once that beta number doubles it will start to feel even more real. Once I see a heart beating it will really feel real. I’m not sure it’s going to feel really really really real until my child turns 10 or something. I’m just too gun shy.

So I guess I should recount a symptom check?

6dp3dt – 9dp3dt – bad cramp city. Woke up with such bad cramps 9dp3dt that I had to take a tylenol. Cramps still here now but not as bad as they have been. Keep thinking AF is going to show but so far nothing. No spotting or anything…

Sore boobs – Probably from the progesterone but my GOD are they painful. It is nearly impossible to lay on my stomach. My cat likes to come cuddle up on my chest and when he accidentally steps on my boobie I want to cry. Starting to notice blue veins that I never noticed on them before.

3dp3dt-9dp3dt – spicy cravings. Still prefer spicy but the drive isn’t as bad as it was.

Yeast infection – I’ve had it since before my ER. The severity waxes and wains but lately it gets uncomfortably itchy at night. Waiting to treat it until after I get a positive beta and instructions from my doctor on whether I can use the creams that go in the vagina. I know I can’t have a diflucan. Just been babying it with some Monistat brand healing hydrocortizone cream on the worst place (ONE labia minora is crabby) and ice.

I miss taking a steaming hot bath. I don’t know when I’m allowed to have one of those again but I haven’t had one in 2 weeks, mainly out of superstition.

I couldn’t help it I swear…

Keep calm, you’ve been here before I tell myself. Here, in this post to be exact, which I suggest you skim.

Something possessed me to test. Well not something, my period cramps did. Damn it, if I’m going to not be pregnant I don’t want my bleeding uterus to be the one to bring me the news first, I want to know for myself. So I did it, I tested against my better judgement. My trigger shot was 10:30pm on Sunday the 11th. So I’m at just about 13 dpt. Legend has it that the trigger is out of a normal woman by 10dpt. Last IUI I was testing positive through 14dpt, negative 15dpt. I was sure the line had gotten slightly darker on 14dpt, but it was just a fluke…a sad sad fluke that made me gun shy of all trigger testing.

Without further stalling, this is what appeared about 20 minutes or so ago when I POAS. The top is 6dp3dt, bottom is 8dp3dt. Let’s try this again, is it darker?!

This was my last trigger saga where I thought one got darker, with the very last 2 tests being 13 and 14dpt.

Lets compare?

Not only does my 13dpt look significantly darker than both the 13 and 14dpt of the last saga, it does look like it has gotten darker since 6dp3dt. I honestly don’t know what to think. I called my husband upstairs to come look. He said the test today looks “at least twice as dark” as the Thursday test. Since a beta can double in 48 hrs (in this case test 1 was in the morning, test 2 evening so more like 58 hours) it could make sense.

I don’t know, I think this test looks awful dark to be a trigger 13 days after the fact…Could it be something else? I’m scared to test again tomorrow….

Hoping for the best while expecting the worst

It seems like that is my life motto lately. As much as I want to be 100% all in and be excited, I just can’t. I can’t take that fall. It’s easier to expect the worst and secretly hope for the best. I envy those that can keep their heads up during such an uncertain time.

Progesterone is a crazy drug with lots of symptoms. I’ve been having strange cravings and a voracious appetite lately. Oh goodie I thought, this is a new symptom. Nope, apparently just a progesterone side effect. Incredibly sore boobies. Surely this must be a good sign. Nope, progesterone strikes again. Every progesterone symptom is the same as a pregnancy symptom!

I had a dream Thanksgiving that I took a bunch of pee tests and they were all positive. It was so real….until I woke up. Although I’m refraining from testing every single day, I did take a few tests just to see where my trigger levels were. First was the Monday morning after my trigger, bright positive of course. Next was the following Sunday, 1 week after trigger, light but not a squinter. Spurred by the Thanksgiving dream I tested Thanksgiving morning, 6dp3dt. It was a light squinter. At this point I can be confident any result from my beta will not be the trigger. I hate how my triggers last longer than 90% of women. It makes the 2ww even more stressful than it needs to be.

I’ve also been having a heavy feeling on and off, like period cramps. My cycles are so messed up I’m not sure what to expect. Nora Be gave me a light period every other week, and my last one was October 25th while on vacation. My period is due, and I feel like if I wasn’t on progesterone it would be coming. It’s that type of feeling. I can’t be hopeful with period cramps like this. Beta is on Tuesday, and I’m hoping for the best….but expecting the worst.

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