85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Archive for the ‘Off topic’ Category

Mental Gymnastics

It’s amazing how you can get the one thing you think you needed to be happy and still be completely stressed out and packed with anxiety.

I know I’ve delved into my mental issues on this blog before, from my job to my house, my struggle to conceive, everything. While I’m completely ecstatic to cross one thing off of my list of completely life-absorbing stressors, it simply intensified the remaining 2.

At my job I’m almost positive I’m going to get fired or “laid off”, however you want to phrase it. My boss has pushed me back into my old “support” role, which is completely fine with me because it’s impossible for me to manage anything at this company and I do better taking order than giving them. He hired in another woman who is slightly older then me and lives about 4 hours away to work part time and be his managerial person. This is exactly what I wanted all along! Someone who “gets it” to work between me and my boss. Someone to work strategy with him and then turn to me to get it done. I actually have a lot less stress with this arrangement. So what’s the problem? Well, I’m still “working” my old managerial shift around 34 hours a week, with “working” being on quotes for a reason. I really don’t DO anything anymore! Occasionally I get a project from my new manager, but I feel like the value I add to it is not worth keeping me around to do it. If she came on full time she could easily absorb my position within 3-6 months, heck she could probably get by doing it on part time! Everything I do could be taught to someone else. I feel like a middle man who’s just skating by until someone realizes I don’t really do anything. Like that fat guy from office space who gets into a car accident. Not to mention this company is not bound by FMLA leave, legally speaking if I leave for 6 weeks he can replace me. Maybe I’m just being panicky and alarmist. I think the best I can hope for is going back to my old support hours and working from home. At worst, I don’t have a job.

As for my house, it too has gotten better, but it’s still a long way from “home” if you know what I mean. If I lose my job we don’t have extra money, and no extra money means no continuing the fix up on this house. My husband is back in school for a second bachelors so that eventually he can make more money, but for the time being it completely sucks up his free time and stresses him out. No free time means no time to work on the house, and everything piles up. There’s WAY too many projects, not enough time, and not enough money. All it does is upset me so much. I don’t want to raise my child in that god forsaken hell hole of a construction zone we call home. The worst part is even if all the projects were done I still wouldn’t want to live there! I hate the neighborhood, I hate the layout of the house, I hate the back yard, I hate everything about it. I never wanted that house. My husband seems to think we can find another house in the next few years but I honestly struggle to understand the financial logistics of that. If I don’t have a job I know he doesn’t make enough to buy a house in the price range that would satisfy my needs. I’m going to be stuck there and miserable forever.

I don’t know what my problem is, but I don’t think my son is going to fix anything, and that makes me even more depressed. I just want to be able to give him everything he deserves. I feel like a failure and he’s not even here yet. I don’t have a nice house to raise him in, his father has severe organizational and time management issues, and his mother’s happiness is fleeting. Not to mention all this stress is probably going to give him his own brand of mental illness, perpetuating the problem. It’s so hard to be excited about anything when all this anxiety is crushing you and fighting you at every turn.

Top Things No One Tells You About Being Pregnant

I’m at 17 weeks now and chugging along nicely. Still won’t know what flavor bun is in my oven for another 2 weeks unfortunately! I finished up with my RE and got switched to an OBGYN, who is every bit as amazing as my RE made her out to be.

Now that I’m knee deep in second trimester territory, I’m starting to notice a lot of “gotcha” things about pregnancy that literally no one bothered mentioning to me. Oh sure, everyone loves talking about the growing bump, the strong hair and nails, the glow, etc etc. No one likes talking about this stuff though!

1. It’s not just your head that gets strong hair, (and not everyone gets that luxury)

I guess your thick head of hair is actually due to a combination of hair not falling out and growing faster. It’s great when it happens on your head, not so much other places on the body. You should know that you are also prone to becoming a Sasquatch. Legs, chin, stomach, arm pits, you name it. It doesn’t even matter if you HAD hair to begin with, it will start growing in new places. And not all of it grows at the same pace! You can have thinning head hair, and leg hair that grows like a weed. The main problem I faced was far more gruesome. I developed Sasquatch ass. That’s right, my ass crack decided to grow hair, and a lot of it. Awesome! Luckily a 10 dollar pen trimmer from the drug store fixed that right up.

2. Going to the bathroom becomes a lot more complex.

At some point, going pee may start to get hard. If I have an incredibly full bladder first thing in the morning, I literally have to lean forward when I think I’m done and force a lot of extra pee out. Sometimes I have to pass gas before my pee stream becomes normal, like it’s being blocked from the inside. And pee isn’t the only thing you’ll have trouble with. Your poop will be far from normal. Either incredibly constipated or like someone turned on the chocolate soft serve machine and just left the handle up. I don’t think I’ve had a “normal” poo in weeks despite my diet not changing at all. Which leads us too…

3. Hemorrhoids, for no reason at all.

If you have them before getting pregnant they’re going to get worse, and you’re going to get new ones. Mine are internal but randomly cause me pain and are starting to feel like they’re growing. I’m only 17 weeks. I don’t strain in the bathroom. I’m not overweight. I’m not old. There is literally no reason I should suffer from these ridiculous ass veins and yet I do. I’m scared of laboring with these things and having to kindly ask my doctor “sorry can you just pop that right back in there please?” Ugh, I shudder to think. I’m considering getting a banding done just so I can get rid of them before labor.

4. Round ligament pain can be way worse than books describe.

2 days ago I woke up and had a dull ache on both sides of my hip bones. Silly round ligament pain, you so dull. Until I got to work. The pain sharply increased on my left side until I had to excuse myself and drive home. It would be excruciating for about 2 hours, back for for 2 hours, and go back and fourth the rest of the day. Books tend to make a passing mention of RLP as being a sharp twinge for a few seconds when you cough or sneeze. Bull fucking shit. For a lot of women, it will be constant. We’re talking days to weeks at a time of feeling like there’s a sharp hot poker in your side, just twisting with every little move. An over stretched guitar string just ready to snap inside your body. Luckily the pain is starting to subside, but it’s still there, a lingering uncomfort. At least it is beginning to die down for me. My doctor says there’s no real good way to get rid of round ligament pain, you just have to wait it out. Heating pads, a Tylenol if your doc allows it, bed rest, a belly support, that’s really it. You just have to deal with it. My doctor also said relief may be in sight by 25 weeks, because RLP starts to become uncommon by then.

5. Ass babies

My friend described growing a baby out of her ass when she was pregnant, because her butt and thighs grew more than expected. I am also growing an ass baby. I had absolutely no idea you would gain a ridiculous amount of weight in your butt and thigh region as well as your belly and breasts. What purpose does that serve?! My body is packing it away in my upper thighs and butt like it’s going to need to live off the fat stores for a year. I’m starting to develop stretch marks on one of my thighs. My diet has not significantly changed, so I don’t understand where all this extra matter is coming from. It makes me feel gross.

6. Dreams so crazy and vivid you wake up exhausted.

I have a dream every night now, to the point that I can recall them for at least a little bit of time after waking up, longer if they were especially long or interesting. These dreams are so vivid and out there that I wake up as if I never slept at all. Why my body want to expend all this energy dreaming I’ll never understand.

I’m sure I’ll develop more pregnancy super powers, but I think this is a good list to start off with. Now I know why pregnant women complain so much!

Jekyll and Hyde

Or maybe Smeagol is a better representation of who I am now. I feel like 2 completely different people dwelling within the same body. I know I’m probably going to get Taco Bell for lunch despite telling myself I wouldn’t.

My employment woes continue, as I feel more and more ill equip to handle my career choice. I enjoy being in control and having enough confidence in my abilities to take the reigns on things and even tell other people what to do. I don’t have that here. I feel like a child that has to constantly hold onto a railing for support. I’ll never let go because I never know what’s going on. It will never change…

On the other side I’m still doing work for my husband’s aunt and uncle. For some reason the adwords campaign isn’t taking off like it did the first time. A simple url change has apparently made everything crash and burn. I have been working on and off trying to tweek the ads into running smoothly again. Anyone who has ever run an adwords campaign knows that the slightest changes can bring huge gains or huge losses. I compensate by making tiny changes every few days in order to not upset the Google monster. I go to log into the account and find that the password has been changed 34 hours ago. Not a good sign. I figure out the new password (and in doing so who would have changed it), and found all my hard work completely changed. Budgets changed, paused campaigns running, running campaigns paused, the horror. Hubby’s uncle decided to take matters into his own hands and completely mess up all my hard work, probably because I was not getting results fast enough. He does not understand adwords at all and his changes made it so that a campaign I have proven yields a lot of clicks but few sales is now running, and slashed the budget so low the ads would not even show. I worked for an hour to reverse the damage and get the ball rolling again in the right direction. I have a sinking feeling he doesn’t trust me anymore. I relayed a message to my husband’s cousin, who also works for them but actually on site as a manager that if my uncle wanted to change things he needed to give me a call first to talk about it because I need control over the account.

It felt good. I got that feeling of control back. That feeling that I actually know what I’m doing. Confidence. We’ll see where it gets me. I guarantee it will crash and burn without me anyway.

On my way into work this morning I ran into crazy coworker woman. As we walked to the door the prodded me for “good news”. I played coy, told her I had no idea if I’d have any good news to share. But I did proudly display the bandaid on my upper butt from my shot this morning. She commended me for all my hard work and sticking with it. Then she dropped a bombshell. “I had a friend who went through the same thing that you are. She ended up with triplets”. I didn’t say a word after that. How does she know? Do they know about this blog? Did they put the pieces together? I thought I was good about not giving away too many hints. It would be hard for someone to connect the dots….or so I thought. If she knows, I guarantee the office manager knows. If she knows, there’s a good chance my boss knows. I didn’t want any of them to know. Somehow they inferred that my problems were female related, though I’m still not entirely sure how. How they made the leap from female trouble to IVF is beyond me.

On top of it all I STILL HAVE TO WAIT A WEEK AND 1 DAY! This stress is absolutely killing me. My cat randomly punched me in the stomach, literally punched. I had an orgasm in my sleep. Everything in my environment is conspiring against me to harm my uterus and it’s precious cargo. I’m probably going to take another pee test tomorrow morning just to confirm there’s still a dark line there.

You win Smeagol, we’re going to Taco Bell for lunch. Fuck it. I’m stressed.

Well duh…

Went in for my appointment yesterday, knowing the cyst would still be there. There wasn’t a hint of optimism in my mind. There’s just nothing in the logic that would show me a cyst disappearing in 2 weeks. Doc M waved her magic wand, and before she could even tell me what I was seeing on the screen, I saw for myself. Cyst, cyst, cyst! Still there, same size and everything. It didn’t even budge. I’m not sure why 2 weeks of birth control was supposed to help.

I told Doc M about reading the drug pamphlet that came with my pills, about how ovarian cysts are a noted side effect. She kind of seemed bewildered and confused. I asked if I could pleaaaaase try a new pill because Nora Be is garbage. She said yes. Instead of putting me on a combo pill (she refused) I’m going to be on provera, which isn’t technically a birth control. Oh well, if it works it works, at least it isn’t Nora Be and I won’t be bleeding every other week! I just want this damn cyst to go away so I can get on with my life. I was passed off to get a blood draw for estrogen. As I entered the room 3 nurses were looking over my chart and debating what sounded like dosage amount on my prescribed provera. “Why 10mg, Doc Z normally does 30mg, this doesn’t make sense”. They went to ask my doctor for clarification. I guess the final call comes when my estrogen comes back. I have yet to fill my prescription or receive a phone call with instructions.

Also over the past few days my dog L has developed a hot spot on his ass. I got him a cone of shame to keep him from chewing it raw. Luckily I have anti itch cream from the recent vet visit for my other dog T. I diluted it with water and sprayed it on his boo boo, since he wouldn’t let me touch it. Dog T is starting to get greasy again, and her itch never really went away, just slightly subsided. At least dog S is doing fine. Kitty D is fine except for an incident that happened earlier in the week. He wouldn’t come out of his litter box, and when I finally got him out he kept dragging his ass around. I noticed a poop stuck in his butt. Upon closer inspection it was not a poop, it was part of his yarn ribbon dancer thing. He fucking ate it, and is now pooping it out. What. The. Fuck. I had my husband hold him and I grabbed the string. In an instant it pulled right out of him without sticking. It was freaking nasty, at least 12 inches of poop covered flat yarn. I don’t even know how he ate it in the first place.

Also I randomly developed debilitating tooth sensitivity in a previously filled tooth. It had been noticeable for 2 months now, but easily tolerated. Over the last 48 hours it exploded to the point that drinking cold anything or eating on that side was like being struck by lightning in the mouth. My dentist was able to see me this morning and put some sort of bitter salve on it, saying it’s likely I have a tiny crack in the tooth because the filling is fine. The salve was cured and I was sent on my way. It seems to have made a difference. It’s no longer debilitating, and back down to about the original tolerable level of pain. Hopefully it will last at least through vacation.

I leave for vacation tomorrow, it couldn’t have come at a better time. Actually it could have come at a slightly better time, I’m missing the annual college town Halloween bar crawl this Saturday. I’ve gone with my long time friend for the past 3 years. It’s absolute pandemonium and the streets are clogged with throngs of college kids in costumes, all waiting in line to get drunk. I had a great idea for a costume too but I guess it will wait for next year. Hopefully I can make up for the lack of alcohol on vacation.

Edit: Of course the clinic calls during or just after my blog posts! I got my estrogen levels back. I wasn’t initially told what they were last week, but Doc M grumbled about how high they were, so I assumed really, really bad. IVF nurse called to tell me “good news everyone” (yes, you should read that in Professor Farnsworth’s voice). I guess my estrogen is at like 36? It was apparently at like 102 last draw so over 3 weeks it came down considerably. I’m not sure why that’s good since the whole estrogen/cyst thing was never explained. I go again next Tuesday morning to see what happens, while staying on Nora Be, not provera. I guess maybe once my estrogen bottoms out we can ignore the cyst and start injectables? Please, I hope so!

Aside

Place Your Bets

I honestly feel like gambling on whether or not my IVF will get started on Monday. I’d put my money on no, that there’s still a cyst or something else will come up. It’s just my luck really. This birth control is horrible, I bleed every other week and it gives me freaking cysty mc cyst cysts. If I still have a cyst on Monday, or the cyst has switched sides my doctor better watch the fuck out. Hell hath no fury like a woman ready to get this show on the road. I know she’s just trying to have her own back on this and make sure I don’t clot and die, but I was on Yaz for a freaking year with no ill effects. It’s not going to kill me to go on a drug that has a lower risk of cysts for a little while. Nora Be, more like Nora BEYOTCH amirght?

I leave for vacation on Weds. For some reason the pre vacation excitement period has never materialized. Usually before a big trip I bask in the glow of “oh well, today was shitty but VACATION SOON”…for months ahead of time! This time around, nothing. I think it’s because A) I’m vacationing in a place I used to live, B) I’m not going to want to leave, and C) IVF impatience ruins the joy in everything. I know the joy will kick in Tuesday for sure, but once the Monday I come back rolls around I’m going to be a mess. Unless of course this Monday goes well and I’ll be sliding home to my IVF happening. That would be freaking awesome.

In other news, one of my dogs might finally be getting the treatment she needs. My youngest dog has been a greasy gross itchy mess for what seems like forever. You can’t pet her without your hand smelling like burned popcorn, and she’s always after herself. I finally decided to hell with the cost, she needed to see a real dog dermatologist. The doctor took a skin scraping and promptly came back telling us she was covered in yeast. A simple test none of the other vets tried on her! Apparently she is somehow naturally predisposed to getting oily, the oil proliferates yeast, the yeast makes her itchy, the itchy spreads the yeast, the yeast makes her more oily, more oily = more yeast…endless cycle of misery. I was given anti fungal shampoo, anti yeast pills, and anti itch lotion. Once the yeast is under control she might have to continue taking the anti yeast pills for the rest of her life, unless we can uncover what makes her so oily in the first place. If it’s genetic there’s nothing we can fix, but there’s also the chance it’s an allergic reaction or a hormonal issue. I’m going to take matters into my own hands and change her diet. She’s on a 4 star rated dog food right now, so it’s not a matter of her being on crappy food. I’m going to put her on a limited ingredient turkey/potato formula and see how she does. Turkey and potatoes are basically the only thing NOT in the food she eats now. Both of my boy dogs itch somewhat, it’s hard to tell if that’s anything to be concerned about considering both of them have healthy fluffy coats. If my girl does well on the food I’ll switch them too.

I’ve done SO GOOD saving money! I cut back on any spending on frivolous things and have been using my ebay earnings to pay for groceries and little trinkets, while letting my real job money pile up in my bank account. I’m maybe 2 weeks away from paying off the estimated 2500 dollars I’ll owe after insurance on my IVF in one fell swoop. Feels good man. How sad would it be if I pay off my IVF before it even happens?

The Mania

It’s amazing just how much my mood inwardly swings from day to day. Let’s be real, from hour to hour really. I’ve done a very good job at keeping the crazy internalized. If someone asked my husband how normal I seem he’d probably shrug and say “she seems fine”. Meanwhile my mind is racing a mile a minute for no reason at all. Fast at work analyzing every little sign that doesn’t really exist and agonizing about details that don’t really matter.

Trying to find logic amidst chaos, trying to make reasons where there are none. Why? Why? Tell em’ that is human nature…. to borrow a line from Michael Jackson. Anyway, I’m starting to feel like life is trying to tell me that I’m going to end up adopting. I’m not sure why. It seems like there’s just been a lot of subtle little appearances of adoption topics in my day to day life that I can’t help but pick up on and label “look what life is trying to tell me!”

I’m just so frustrated, scared, and overwhelmed lately. With my carefully laid IVF plans already starting to crumble, it’s hard to be hopeful. When I got my fresh pack of pills I poured over the pamphlet that comes with it. You know, the one with directions and warnings? Couldn’t help but notice the warning about ovarian cysts. Apparently POP pills put you at a higher risk for them. I want to punch a wall. I didn’t have a cyst before going on the pill, the pills GAVE ME a cyst. And what does my doctor do to make the cyst go away? PUT ME BACK ON THEM FOR 3 WEEKS. Oh hey you have a burning building, let me throw these gasoline bombs inside so the fire can rage so hard it puts itself out. FLAWLESS LOGIC! Not to mention is has given me dull leg pain and random tingling in my toes. If I developed a freaking cyst the first time, what makes her think there won’t be one at this next check on the 22nd? There has to be a better solution to birth control for IVF protocols.

***Deep Dark Pit-o-Despair Ahead***

In addition to the overwhelming feeling that I will never have a child, I also have to contend with the feeling that I will be an awful parent. I feel like I lack the ability to not be such a shitty person all the time. I think it’s because I have no idea what a normal childhood should be. I grew up hating my parents because they were physically and mentally abusive to me. It’s the sole reason I turned out the way I did. Shy and hateful towards ignorance. I always felt like my mom sided with my dad instead of her kids. Whenever something would set him off (which could be something as simple as the counter being sticky or there not being a twist tie on the bread) and he’d come after us my mom would just stand there and watch, even though you could tell she wanted to stop him. There’s no way I’d let my husband bully my kids, beat them, scream in their face, and throw their belongings on the floor and break them. I’d pack up and leave so fast. Even now my mom stays with him, for no reason at all. He’s abusive to her as well. He is on disability and really doesn’t contribute anything. He should be condemned to die alone because, although she is far from perfect, my mom still deserves better then my dad. I’ve told her plenty of times in my adult life that she needs to leave him, that there’s still time. She makes excuses that she has to take care of him.

All I can do is hope it comes naturally. That I still have the ability to be a warm and caring individual towards a small fragile child. I don’t think I could live with myself if I scarred them emotionally the way I was. I hope it’s normal to not have any idea how to raise a child. From what I gather, it seems to be one of the biggest fears of new parents. Don’t you just love how even when I complete 1 hurdle (having a child) there’s already another one standing in my way? It’s exhausting.

I guess there’s nothing really going on until the 22nd, and I don’t have high hopes for that appointment either. I will be genuinely surprised if the cyst is gone. In an effort to think happy thoughts, please enjoy this collection of Ray Liotta in his prime.

The story of us

As promised, a story of how my husband and I met.

I had been working at the local Chuck E Cheese, why? Because when I got the job in late 2004 I was dating a boy, G, who had friends who worked there and got us both a job. He quit within a few months and we broke up shortly after. G was a terrible boyfriend. He cheated on me constantly and then lied about it when confronted. After we broke up he would do everything in his power to home wreck every relationship I got into. G is a dick, but when you’re 16 you don’t realize these things.

So I worked at CEC for about 8 months before the store got a new store manager from a location an hour away. He recruited several of his best employees to come with him and get my store in tip top shape. Months without a real manager had turned us into shitty employees. We completely resented the new manager and his crew of cronies, including J, my would be husband. I was very open with my hatred of J, and my resentment of his power. His initials are JS, and I would frequently complete the S with “ucks”…JSucks, because it was common to write your name on your drink cup in the break room.

I wasn’t looking for love really. I had been on a few dates since G, but none of them really stuck. I would always lament my singality to my coworkers. J was a funny boy. He would tease me in the most playful manor, making me get angry and shoving my resentment back in my face. J presented a challenge. Part of me felt like J might like me. I wondered why, considering all I ever did was give him shit. I wasn’t quite sure how I felt about J. About 3 months after J started working at my store, a coworker decided to play cupid. Against my will he decided to tell J that I liked him, which at the time I was unsure of my feelings. I think this coworker knew J liked me and would take the bait. I was mortified.

J began to take a heightened interest in me from this point on. I enjoyed his attention, and he let me into his world. I actually began to like him the more I got to know him. I agreed on a few dates, and a month or so later we decided to make it official, on September 26, 2005. Things accelerated from there as I grew more attached to him. I knew I wanted to marry him and wasn’t shy about letting him know. Sometime in November of 2006 he gave me my ring. We moved to Florida in July of 2007 and got married on our 2 year anniversary in front of the courts in 07. We had a low key wedding on the beach in March of 2008.

Now the next big chapter is starting our family, and I’m so freaking determined to make that happen. I want to make my husband a father and have his babies. It’s so visceral.

We plan on going to Chuck E Cheese for lunch tomorrow. We would go tonight but it’s Weds and he normally works his 8-7 shift, then comes home for 2 hours and goes back out to work overnight. He works so hard to make sure he can provide for me, knowing that once I have a child I likely won’t be going back to work. Although it would be nice to have an evening with him, I have a whole day tomorrow to enjoy.

I love my husband, that is all!

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