85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Archive for the ‘Parenting’ Category

What then?

So I just got the call from my pharmacy. I held my breath for the cost. Of course, he waited until he listed out all my drugs to give me a cost. Looks like I’ll be getting:

Gonal F, Menopur, Ganirelix, Hcg, Valium (for the transfer, though I won’t need it), Vicodin (again, idk why but I already have a huge stash, just going to add it to it) Medrol, Folic Acid, PIO, and Doxycycline.

“You have stellar insurance. Your drugs cost about 6 grand, but your total bill is $294.53.” Hot damn! At least now all I have to worry about is fronting the money for IVF, which is about 6 grand. Insurance should pay half so I’ll be left to worry about 3 grand. That’s very doable.

Now, on with the show!

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One of my co workers stormed into my office this morning. She accurately summed up exactly what’s wrong with my company.

“You know what really chaps my ass? We’re supposed to be experts in (product), know how to make (product) work for other companies, yet our (product) doesn’t even work!! How am I supposed to get anything done today?”

I’ve been saying all along that my position at this tiny company just isn’t working. I have no choice but to stay. I need money for IVF, I have no interest in working full time at another company doing the same thing, and I’m going to be working from home as soon as Friday. Why would I leave it to go sit in a cubicle at another company? So I just have to suck it up and deal with it.

The entire thing is making me wonder…what’s next? Ok, so let’s say I get pregnant this cycle. I’ll be overjoyed of course, but what then? We planned to escape to Florida to be with family that we actually enjoy, and live in a house worth living in. Happily ever after. Right?

Now that my husband is back in school, we will need to stick around for 2 years while he finishes. Ok, I could do 2 years….if we lived in a nicer house. Our house needs a ton of work still. I haven’t been in one of our bedrooms for at least a year because it’s filled with construction supplies. We have nasty wood floors that have seen better days, desperately need carpet and trim, our siding is covered in peeling paint, our concrete stairs are broken and sinking, The railroad ties lining the driveway are falling over, something was wrong with the way my husband redid the upstairs bathroom because it leaks into the basement every time someone takes a shower, the basement is a complete pig stye filled with my husband’s game reselling business and endless piles of construction supplies in the laundry room. Get the picture? It’s hardly the clean, picturesque house I pictured raising a family in. I tried to tell my husband that A) Fixing it up to sell it is stupid because the neighborhood can only hold so much value and we’re basically just giving away free money that we don’t have. B) Someone will buy it in the condition it’s in, we sure did. and C) We don’t have the money or time to fix it to the state that he feels it will be sellable. It’s easier to throw it to the wolves and accept less for it than gamble with money we DON’T HAVE AND WON’T HAVE BECAUSE WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A CHILD. While he’s an excellent husband and provider, when it comes to the house he treats me like I have no idea what I’m talking about. Mark my words, I’ll be trapped in that stupid house that I didn’t want forever. Also I’m not really cool with my parents, and I KNOW everyone is going to force their way into my bubble to visit “their grandbaby”. I honestly don’t want them to come see the baby at all. Moving to Florida would keep them away from me while allowing me to raise my child around a not insane family unit that I enjoy spending time with.

Ok, so lets say I have a child, and I do get the perfect house I want. What if I hate my child? As stupid as it sounds, it’s a real fear! While laying awake the night before my parents came to visit I googled around for “is it normal to hate your family” and got a lot of posts about people feeling guilty for not liking their children. Just as I don’t like my parents for my own reasons, people do in fact grow to dislike their kids! No one wanted to hate their kids, but they didn’t turn out as expected. I can be a pretty cold and hateful person, so it scared me to think that I have the capacity to dislike my own children. Plus what if I have a child that looks and acts just like my brother. My mom did! My brother is the spitting image of my late uncle. Right down to the lanky look and social awkwardness. My first friend to get pregnant in high school ended up having a child that, in my opinion, looks very similar to her brother. Neither her nor her baby daddy wore glasses but her child does. So does her brother. I would absolutely scream if I had a baby like my brother.

So that gets me thinking. What if cosmos knows this? What if cosmos knows I’d be miserable every day raising a child like that, or what if cosmos knows I’d be destined to have some sort of mentally handicapped child? Another type I would not be able to emotionally handle. What if cosmos is just sparing me the pain and making it so I can’t have one at all? What if?

Ok, so what if I get pregnant, have the perfect house, and the child I always dreamed of. What then? What am I going to do with my life then? I already know I can’t do daycare, so it’s not like I can work for a while. Living on one income will be hard. I still have no idea what I want to DO with my life and where I want my career to go or not go. I’m not sure I want to work full time. I’ve said plenty of times I’m just vehemently against the stupid archaic 40 hour work week, 30 is more my speed. It’s hard to find those rare jobs and companies that “get it”. If I get to a point where I want to work close to full time, what am I going to do to make sure I don’t fall back into a job I hate? it’s all so scary.

I guess I hope life just falls into place and I get everything I always dreamed of. The infinite unknown drives me insane. There is absolutely no way of predicting the future or planning out what’s going to happen because life doesn’t lend itself to planning. I just have to trust that this is going to work. It’s scary, plain and simple. I’m scared.

One can dream…

I had a pretty interesting dream last night. I had a child, a daughter, but my brain kept telling me she was mine, and yet adopted? My brain likes to fill in details, sometimes after the fact. This is one of those times where I don’t know whether the dream started out as her being my child, or my adopted child. Same problem with her hair color, I remember both blonde and brown.

Anyway, we were playing at the park and I was just exploding with joy and love for this tiny girl. The feelings this dream gave me were so insanely real. I got the vibe that this girl was 3 years old. I posted a Facebook status that said something like “Just took my daughter to the zoo for the first time today”. It sent shivers down my spine, literally, the words “My daughter”. It felt so real. Then something happened and the dream goes into “shes adopted” mode because the adoption agency takes her back. I guess I only had partial custody of her and the adoption agency had the rest? I remember going into grizzly mama mode and started screaming THIS IS WHY NO ONE WANTS TO ADOPT, BECAUSE YOU GO AND DO SHIT LIKE THIS! I seethed, I vowed to take them to court and get full custody of this child. Then I woke up.

Huh, how odd. Was this a glimpse into my future? Does my brain know something I don’t? Am I going to have to adopt? Go ahead and smite me for my opinions but I balk at adopting. Those of us in the community understand exactly what I mean. The people outside don’t. It’s sad, they think the only people who can or should adopt are people who can’t have their own children. That is the most ignorant statement anyone can ever make. Why didn’t YOU adopt a child? Just because you CAN have your own doesn’t mean you shouldn’t adopt either! Also the adoption system isn’t exactly filled to the brim with rosy cheeked newborns. It’s mostly older children who have “been in the system” far too long. It’s kids taken away from drug addicted or psychotic parents. It’s siblings who refuse to be separated. I don’t feel that because I might not have a child of my own that I need to try my hand at raising someone elses. Single parents are almost en vogue these days. Being 16 and pregnant gets you famous. The times where women feel pressured to send newborns into adoption because of social or religious factors is long behind us. The system has changed completely, and I don’t think the ignorant masses can wrap their brain around that. Also adoption is stupidly expensive. I’d rather spend that money on IVF.

I’m so stressed out lately. I wish future me would come and tell me everything works out in the end.

Had a dream last night…

I think it had to do with an inner fear of being judged that I’m sure every parent has. I was with a small boy child, that my mind placed at either 1-4 years old, but visually he appeared to be at least 4. I only saw him from the back, standing in front of me. We were at the pediatrician’s office and it was time for some shots. He was screaming and being generally loud, to the point that the entire clinic could hear. I felt extremely self conscious, that my child was causing a disruption and people would wonder why I couldn’t keep my kid quiet. Part of me wanted to resort to a spanking, no idea where that came from. I quickly realized it was stupid to feel self conscious. We’re at a doctors office, a young child is getting shots, and he’s scared. He has every right to be afraid and cry, it comes with the territory. I knelt down and asked him where my big brave boy had gone. I don’t see my big brave boy anywhere, doctor, do you see where my big brave boy went? Big brave boys get their shots, even though they hurt, because they make him strong and healthy. The boy stopped crying, and that’s when I woke up.

Hmm, the first of many parenting dreams? I have a huge fear of being a terrible parent. Lazy, inattentive, over critical, not being able to control bad behavior, everything you can think of. I have 3 dogs and I like to think they’re well behaved. I can get barking spells under control quite quickly, even when they’re in the back yard and the neighborhood dogs are out and making a fuss. The problem is, dogs don’t understand English, you can’t reason with them. I admit I’ve trained my dogs through well placed cracks on the behind from time to time. I don’t believe you have to do the same with children. Raising kids and raising dogs are 2 different things…..right? I’m afraid I’ll resort to the same “training” methods with children. How terrible would that be?

I was raised in a spanking household and I believe it contributes to my current situation of not being terribly close with my parents. Spankings were handed out for accidents like spilling milk or dropping a plate. I was verbally assaulted and backed into a corner for getting a speeding ticket when I was 16. You can’t train accidents out of people, everyone makes mistakes. I respond to logic and reason, not violence and yelling. I believe children are the same. I don’t want to live in a world of “because I said sos”. Did I turn out ok? Sure. I’m the only one of my close female friends to have any college degree (most never attempted to go or got pregnant and dropped out).  Not coincidentally, I’m the only one with a house. I think I have a pretty good life, all things considered. However, I’m sure I would have turned out the same sans the spanking.

Look at me, doling out parenting advice and I can’t even get pregnant. Silly me. I should shut up now.

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