Where has the time gone? I feel like I fell into some sort of dimensional portal that sucked up the majority of my pregnancy. 32 weeks today and going strong. Little man is very active, the nursery is done, and my shower is in 2 weeks. Still feel like the same “me” really. Still wishing for a bigger/better house, putting up with my job, and hating my family. I hope they realize they aren’t going to be seeing the baby as much as they think they will. I tolerate my mom and grandma a lot better lately. They definitely toned down the crazy bitch factor when I got pregnant. Still not anyone I would choose to be friends with in another time and place, but I think that has more to do with me as a person and not them. I’m very hard to deal with and very selective of who I put effort into talking to. Still don’t get my father at all and feel absolutely no guilt for completely ignoring him. I had a family function a few days ago and it’s obvious he will never change. The only way to describe him is mentally challenged, I’m serious! I’m dead serious in thinking my father has some sort of mental impairment. Besides the entire growing up with him that sucked, he just doesn’t bother to act like a normal person at all. While at said function I was in the middle of talking with my mom and grandma about something and he just buts in WHILE I’m talking to ask if I shop at Walmart. Like wtf? I glared at him and told him I was talking to someone else and not to butt in. Like a child. A man pushing 60 should not have to be told to stop doing something like a child. Said function was a reverse raffle at their church (which I am not a part of) and my father was convinced they were giving out prizes 1 number off. Instead of acting like an adult he kept trying to wave and yell be obnoxious. Everyone was completely annoyed by him, my mom, my grandma, everyone. I can’t leave my child around that, and so I won’t. My brother kept telling me about some sort of retarded 200 dollar R2D2 he intends to buy “for my child”. In actuality he wants it for himself but wants some sort of reason to justify it. It’s a freaking voice command unit that my kid won’t even be using. Maybe he should be less excited about buying some stupid toy that will sit in the corner and spend more time trying to get out of my parents house and finding a freaking girlfriend. The more time I spend around my family I wonder how I came from these people. Overall it has made me a little scared for my own child. What if I’m destined to be freaking insane too and make him hate me? I doubt it. I might have my own brand of crazy but when I’m around children I’m a completely different person. It’s like whatever part of my brain that makes me an insufferable, selfish bitch just turns off. Of course, that’s with other people’s kids. I know I can’t change or teach other people’s kids so I don’t bother. I can only hope I have the same damper with my own children. Being cognizant of the crazy is the first step to keeping it from manifesting itself. I’m self aware, the rest of my family isn’t and would never admit they are anything less then perfection. I feel a little helpless about my lack of experience with babies. I hear that’s completely normal but it doesn’t feel normal. Most of my friends grew up in extremely large families, surrounded by people of all ages and kids and babies. I never grew up around any babies, never watched anyone take care of a baby for any extended period of time. I just want to do everything “right”, even though there is no such thing. I understand what works for one will not work for all, and I think that’s a good thing to understand. Do I have confidence in my ability to be a good parent? I like to think so. I think so long as my husband is better with the child than the dogs we’ll be ok. Ugh, so much worry for a time that should be full of rainbows and sunshine! It’s really true that the worry never stops.
Archive for the ‘Pregnancy’ Category
I’ve been in blog hibernation! There isn’t much really going on. Contrary to popular belief and chatter on baby forums, being pregnant isn’t overly interesting. How I feel this week is basically the same as how I felt last week, and the week before. Also since this is an infertility blog I struggle with how to handle posting from now on. Of course I will continue updating on baby #1’s progress, and come back to the trenches for baby #2.
I’m 11 weeks today and I’ve actually been feeling better lately. I guess when you get to the end of the first trimester a lot of your symptoms start to fade away. It scares me though. Symptoms are a view into what’s going on in my uterus, and without them I feel blind.
I’ve also realized that it’s very hard to make the transition from infertility treatments to pregnant. Trying to use my birth club or other baby forums just make me feel out of place. Like these women have no concept of struggle or having to worry about anything in their entire life. If you’re familiar with reddit, and r/infertility specifically, I created the spin off subreddit for infertility pregnancies called r/infertilitybabies. It’s done wonders for not feeling so out of place. It’s far more mature discussions from people who have been through what you have. Seriously, when you get pregnant I can almost guarantee you’ll feel out of place with all the “omg preggers you guys” and other immature chatter from the majority of women in your birth club. I tried posting a question about symptoms relating to cramping and it was totally ignored in favor of threads like “don’t call my baby a fetus” and “stupidest baby names”. It’s like infertile women have an air of class and maturity about them that most women don’t. So when it’s time for you to graduate, come visit us on reddit!
I still haven’t made my pregnancy “facebook public”. The only people that know are my close circle of friends, my family, and 2 female coworkers. My next scan is a week from Thursday, and it will be the NT scan. NT scan is when they measure certain things and basically check to make sure it’s not a Down’s baby. I figure once that comes back all clear I’ll make it public. In the same post I also plan to announce my infertility struggles. Sort of an olive branch to the girls on my facebook that are suffering quietly. They need to know this baby did not come easy, unlike a majority of facebook babies. Maybe I’ll post something like:
“This didn’t come easy. In fact it wouldn’t have happened at all without the help of science and modern medicine. It’s been almost 2 years in the making. 2 long and depressing years of waiting for it to be “my turn” and never having anything work out right. Seeing how easy it was for everyone else and wondering why it wasn’t happening. Apparently 12% of you will go through (or are going through) what I did, which is why I decided to announce this way. After 2 years, an uncountable number of injections both big and small, one minor surgery, and handfuls of pills, I’m finally going to be a mom.”
My tests have increased in darkness so I wasn’t completely depressed going into my beta. I knew there would be some number, I just didn’t know what it would be.
When I got the call around 12:30 this afternoon I decided to pay close attention to how the news was delivered. The IVF nurse seemed pretty calm before saying ” I have some good news”. If I didn’t know either way I would have guessed she was delivering bad news by how calm she was.
This morning while getting my draw I asked what a “good” number would be and was told 50-100, but even if I got something like a 34 but it doubles fine that’s all that matters.
My number was 89. Right within the range it needs to be I guess. I tried to look up other 11dp3dt betas and most seem to come back in the 120s-200s. That made me feel a little sad that mine appears to be lower then some other peoples betas. I know it doesn’t really matter.
Next draw is in 2 days. I asked if I could start taking a vaginal yeast infection treatment and was told yes. God I hope this infection goes away soon, it’s making me miserable.
When is it going to start feeling real? There’s just so many things that can go wrong that it scares me that things could go wrong. One day at a time I guess. Let’s hope for a nice high number on Thursday.