85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

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Totally Tres

3 Years old! I can’t believe I started this blog to keep track of my infertility progress 4 years ago!

So anyway, on to the update. We have since moved out of my mom’s and are living in the new house. I am still getting anxiety over it in similar ways to our original house 2 years ago. The basement is a total pig stye and unfinished and I hate going down there to do laundry. I’m impatient and I know this is going to take my husband forever to finish so that it’s acceptable to show off. The garage is also a complete mess with construction debris. I wish my husband could organize his shit and not be so messy. My life, and by extension his, would be a lot less stressful. At least the kitchen is almost done (trim and backsplash needed) so it’s not has half assed as it was at the last house. I don’t think I can ever be happy in my home unless we purchase one that NEEDS NO  WORK. I want that feeling before I die, to buy a house and just move your shit in and not live in a constant construction zone for 5 years.

Our son is doing well. He has gotten better with speech and you can actually hold a proto conversation with him. He can say phrases like “my mouth tastes bad” (he’s sick so it’s the mucus), “I’m so so so hungry”, “pick up me”, and “Can’t play outside, a storm coming”. So the grammar isn’t there, and he isn’t always easy to understand, but his vocabulary is wide and he can communicate his needs very well.

He also started preschool last week and is apparently being a good student. I wanted him to socialize and work on his fine motor skills mainly. He is potty trained and only wears a diaper at night. He can not do his own pants most of the time though. Getting dressed is very frustrating to him and I hope by the next update he can dress himself. He likes asking “what’s that noise” and I feel the “why” phase is right around the corner. He loves doing puzzles at the moment but his interests are fleeting. He still mostly makes a mess of all his toys and refuses to play with them the “correct” way. Still a messy eater, much better with a fork though. He is absolutely crazy most days and very hard to control and calm down. Very defiant and absent minded. I never thought I’d have to yell at a tiny human to stop trying to carry the fucking kitten 500 times a day. Logic would dictate that maybe someone would get it after 5 times but logic has no place in the toddler brain.

I’m still on the fence about having another child. There are times I really really want it, and then I realize I hate the newborn stage, I can barely handle 1 child who is full of energy and wears me out, and as a SAHM I’m pretty broke and can’t afford another. And by afford I mean the likely IVF and birth costs. Who knows what will happen with that, I still have time to decide. If it turns out I’ve passed my window and can not have anymore, I will come to terms with that. Having one child wouldn’t be so bad.

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18 months….1.5 YEARS

Sheesh, I have a fucking TODDLER now. When the hell did this happen? I don’t have a baby, I have a tiny adult with tiny adult wishes and tiny adult temper.

So much has happened since last post. The move happened and I’m now in my apartment-like rental house in NC. It’s not too bad, and it doesn’t bother me like the last house did. Still completely out of our hands when we will be making the next move but my husband wants out of here ASAP and promises not to be here by the end of the year. I really don’t care either way since there’s no guarantee I will like our next place as much as I like this place. I’m content at the moment and trying to stay that way. Our house sold to the first person who viewed it. She put an offer in and everything. Our house was on the market all of 5 days and shown to 2 people. That has to be some kind of record. We sold it at a loss of course (break even for mortgage technically), so that probably had something to do with it. I do miss it a little bit but I’m also glad it’s gone. Buying that house was a mistake, and now the 5 years of hell we spent in it can be behind us. Now all of the problems are someone elses!

P is doing fine too. Still basically the same. Eating like a hog, still loving foods of all kinds, still feeding him healthy. Only real difference is he has a few more words (mama, dada, up up, down, kitty, hi, bye,no) but they aren’t really recognized easily by others (besides hi) and he doesn’t use them much (besides dada and kitty). He jargons a lot though and it sounds like a tiny foreign dictator is living in my house. I still don’t think he will be a linguist any time soon. I tend to know what he wants and he gets frustrated if he doesn’t get it. The longer I spend trying to label and coax the proper word out, the more agitated he becomes that I’m not understanding what MMM MM MM and pointing means. He will talk in time, just as he has done everything else he is supposed to. He will just randomly start doing it one day. He also recently learned to use things to climb up on other things, which sucks. You know what else sucks? Having a headstrong toddler who is hell bent on living fast and dying young. I swear I spend most of my waking hours keeping him from hurting himself. It’s exhausting. And of course he doesn’t listen, how can he listen when there’s no real way to punish at this age? When he’s not trying to hurt himself he’s crying about not getting to hurt himself or not getting something else he wants…like ALL the bananas on the counter. Terrible 2s are going to suck if this is just a preview.

Lots of changes behind us and lots of changes ahead. Stay tuned for the 2 year update!

We made it!

Little man is OFFICIALLY A WHOLE YEAR OLD OMG WTF. A whole year? Already? Impossible.

I can’t write a single blog post for the occasion. Nope. I’m going to do 3. Yes 3. One normal update post, one “day in the life” post detailing every single detail of my day with a 12 month old, and one “everything I learned” post filled with product reviews and life tips. For now, on to the update!

We still breastfeed, and for some reason the past few days he has been really boob centric. Like if we bathe together or if my boob flops out of my shirt he has to suck on it. It’s odd, but I find it adorable none the less. Makes me sad that my milk supply is dwindling, but I think he nurses for the comfort and not the food anyway. I am proud as heck to make it to a year without a drop of formula in his tummy. Not a dig at formula moms, but those who have breastfed, or even tried to, know what kind of difficulty that accomplishment carries. I quit pumping because I’m just tired of it and I’m not paranoid about losing my supply anymore.

He eats 3 meals a day, breakfast lunch a dinner. Breakfast is usually half a big banana, a 4oz yo toddler yogurt cup, or whatever 1/4th a cup of dry earths best tot hot cereal turns into with water, probably a half cup. Lunch is some combination of quinoa, cheese, avocado, tuna, hard boiled egg, corn tortilla, fruit, or left over dinner. Dinner is whatever I have made if it’s baby friendly. If not it’s a chicken breast shredded up and some veggies. I need more ideas for healthy lunches and dinners. I’m hugely anti added salt and sugar, so the choices for healthy lunches that come easy are slim. I think I do a good job keeping his palet free of salty choices and fostering a good attitude towards veggies. He eats whatever is put in front of him with little fuss and tends to whine when it’s all gone. He’s SUCH a piggy and loves eating. He went from 8th percentile to 18th in weight, so I guess the food is doing him good, though he’s still a skinny minnie.

Although I thought he wouldn’t walk before his first birthday….I was wrong. So, so wrong. He took his first step, that was actually like 3 steps, July 5th. Within the week he was walking 8-10 steps. Now he can walk from one person to another fairly easily, though his primary mode of transportation is still crawling. I’m just thrilled he CAN walk and actually chooses to from time to time!

He has another tooth that looks like a fang cutting through the top, and others look to be under the surface waiting to pop too. It’s odd that he has a fang coming out before the other top teeth but when has my son ever done anything by the book?

Still only takes 1 nap a day typically. I give him a quiet lay down nurse late afternoon to see if he will pass out, but he only does about 10% of the time. He doesn’t seem any worse for wear because of it. His first nap will now last 1-2 hours. Usually at least 1.5.

He seems very bright too. He just got an alphabet train for his birthday and the first day I opened it I showed him where the blocks go in the top and come out the back. You have to line the block up right and then push it down. By the second day he was doing it all by himself. Picking blocks from the caboose, lining it up at the top of the train, and pushing them down so they shoot into the caboose. I didn’t expect that level of intelligence from him but he surprises me with this stuff all the time. I also got him stacking cups and he is very interested in stacking them, though he doesn’t try for accuracy. Sometimes a cup gets put on top of another sideways. It’s clear what his intent is, he’s just not very good at it yet. He also loves emptying drawers and opening and closing doors. Lately he has begun putting things back in drawers, even if the thing was never in the drawer to begin with. He can also tip a cup to drink in the bathtub but frequently chokes himself on the water flow. He also clapped in response to me clapping a few days ago, it seems monkey see monkey do is in full swing.

His communication skills are getting better, though he has not broken the language barrier yet. No real words that I can discern, not even a mama or dada discriminately. I figure I’m too intuitive and he doesn’t have to communicate to use me as a tool. He’s very independent and likes to do things himself. Rather than point to something on the couch (he still doesn’t point or wave), he will just climb up me and get to it himself. He does communicate by throwing his hands up when he wants to be picked up, so there’s that. He understands when I ask something of him sometimes as well. He’s an ace at “turn the light off” in the bathroom when I hold him near it. He’s also gotten better with “give X to mama”. Only recently has he begun actually dropping the items in my hand when I hold my hand out for it. He shows signs of communication, but right now he’s just honing his gross and fine motor skills. There will be time for communication later I suppose.

We had his first party this past weekend at my father in laws house. I expected to have the party inside since they have 2 living rooms joined by a newly remodeled kitchen. In the very least in the back yard, where they have a pool and plenty of room. Nope, have the party in the garage. I insist on at least doing the cake inside. Party went well, mostly people from my husband’s family showed up. Mother in law was crazy as per usual. No more than 60 seconds after showing up she starts blubering on husband’s shoulder about her husband dying of cancer. This is not new news. It sounds harsh but she does not know how to stop making everything about her. It’s never about how her husband (who we are not close to at all) is feeling, it’s about how SHE is feeling about it. She can’t be complaining about what an awful husband he is one minute to get sympathy, and then cries about losing him to get more sympathy. It sounds so mean from the outside but trust me, I was rolling my eyes heavily at her production. Other than that the party went well. P got a lot of neat stuff, and we got plenty of pictures an memories. I don’t post a lot of pictures of him on here because you know, crazies, but here’s the one of him I posted on facebook for his birthday.

PagesIt may have taken me a while, but I am head over heels in love with my son. As difficult as being a mother is, I don’t know that I would change anything. I am enjoying life right now. I love our days together. I’m sad that he will never be this age again. He will only be 1 year once. The entire world will never love him as much as they love him now. Random strangers and old ladies will never pay him as much attention as they do now. I will always love him. I love him a little more each day. He’s amazing. He’s everything I ever hoped for when I started this blog. He was worth every penny, every tear, every moment of heartbreak, just for this. I’m so happy he is my son and I am his mom. I get it now when people lament their child growing up. He is perfect right now. I’m living in a dream. I don’t want him to stop being my little baby. But we can’t stop the march of time, so I must enjoy it while it lasts. And enjoy it I shall.

10 months!

Mr. P turned 10 months yesterday. His first birthday is right around the corner and my brain can’t even process that he’s not a tiny helpless baby anymore!

After reading the last post it seems that not much has changed. He still eats the same way, and I aim to have him on mostly table food by 12 months. I just love the convenience of jars, I’m such a lazy mom. I think I just struggle with what else to feed him for lunch and such. I’m such an “unhealthy” eater and I mostly graze. I may have a hotdog and some hummus with chips for lunch. Besides the hummus I can’t really share that with him. I still give him chicken breasts and veggies for dinner. I did start offering a mid morning snack of yogurt or a banana or whatever I’m having a bit of for breakfast. I’ve made a move closer to giving him everything on my plate, even if it’s not “healthy”. If I’m having fish and mac and cheese, he gets some mac and cheese too. He eats whatever is put in front of him so well that we’re not at a point where I have to worry about him rejecting everything except the childhood trifecta. Mac and cheese, chicken nuggets, and hot dogs. His nutrition is my utmost concern since he’s such a pipsqueak, I’m a little paranoid about it.

My milk supply just keeps on going down despite the fact that I’m always nursing him. I think once your cycle restarts/your kid gets solids it’s a kiss of death, especially for small breasted moms. I still pump nightly and refeed the milk the next day, but I look forward to the day I’m completely done with it. I’ll still probably nurse past 12 months, but I will quit pumping and not worry about preserving it. We will nurse for a bond, not for sustenance at that point.

He cruises very well now, and even pushes his push walkers expertly. Unfortunately I don’t think this will translate into walking anytime soon. In fact I’m skeptical he will walk before his first birthday. He seems to have such an aversion to standing alone or taking steps. He will almost never stand unassisted. If I hold him and place him in a stand, he will hover momentarily before plopping down, so he CAN do it, but he actively refuses. Most of the time when I try to place him in a stand he will go rag dolly and refuse to put weight on his legs, pushing them out to sit instead. My arms get tired of hovering him and I just quit trying. I feel like he has no incentive to walk when crawling works so well for him. He crawls, he stands, then he cruises to what he wants, then plops into a sit and repeats the process. It doesn’t help that my friend’s child who is 10 days older than P has already taken his first steps. Fuck mommy wars.

Without further ado….WE HAVE FUCKING TEETH….starting. You can finally see and feel the little white teeth poking through his gums. By next post the teeth will definitely be fully in. Naturally, P is completely miserable. He wakes in the night and wails, and has fits throughout the day where he desperately tries to rub his gums with his hand or fingers. It’s sad, because he won’t take any help! He largely ignores any cold teething rings or washcloths. All I can do is dose him with Tylenol and wait it out.

My husband and I are going on vacation for around 10 days with P. Another visit to our “second home” in Florida. His aunt is a saint and loves hosting us, but I think she likes visiting with P more 😉 Who could blame her, my son is a heart stealer.

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