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2020 or bust

It’s been a while since my last update. Things kind of become a blur with 2 kids and updating on development stops feeling so needed. 2 is an age where a lot starts to change. Your baby isn’t a baby anymore. They’re a full blown 100% toddler complete with language acquisition and preferences. P never had what I’d consider terrible 2s. Around 3 and preschool is when a lot of his problems started bubbling to the surface. H is completely different. He gets full blown kicking screaming tantrums. Ones where his whole body gets this weird mix of stiff yet jelly so that you can not properly grab onto him. He latches onto something and decides if he doesn’t get that thing it’s a tantrum. There are many mornings where he decides he wants to bring a toy with him to the car, sometimes something small, sometimes big. I’ve decided to stop letting him carry things to the car because it’s a no win scenario. He usually drops it at some point while I’m driving and the screaming starts. And it doesn’t end. So nope, no more stuff leaves the house. But then he screams about that too and goes stiffylimp. He does this with such violence I’m afraid he will dislocate his shoulder. I try to carry him with 2 arms to keep his legs pointed away from me since he thrashes and kicks. Our door is a steel door and when it is cold it is impossible to lock without 2 hands. 1 to turn the key and one to pull as hard as you can on the handle to get the door into the right position. How do I lock the door while 2 arm carrying a screaming thrashing toddler intent on ripping his arms off? I have him straddle my knee, press him into the door with my body and one arm and try to free just my hand to pull the door while I lock with my free arm. It’s a total mom move. Difficulty 10/10. Then I hoist him up with his legs pointing away from me while he shreaks to the neighborhood about the injustice of having to leave his toy story book behind. He usually continues crying in the car all the way until we get back home. Today though the crying didn’t stop when we returned home. I had to repeat the mom move to unlock the door and I laid his contorted body on the ground to thrash to his hearts content. I gave him the book he was originally flailing for. He did not want it. He threw himself into the door over and over. At this point I’m not sure either of us know what he wants. I sit on the floor and be available for him, but he throws himself into me and squirms around me. He doesn’t want my hug or affection. If I lift him onto my lap he forces himself away. After 10 minutes of his continued tantrum (on top of the tantrum before we left and the car tantrum) he snaps out of it and brings me a blanket to cuddle under. He immediately quiets down. I don’t even know what I could have done differently. I don’t even know what he wanted. I don’t think HE knew either.

This kind of thing happens throughout the day when he spies something he thinks he needs and now during dinner more often. He throws a fit about the dinner he is served and refuses to eat it. I dread going out to eat now because he will refuse the food he has eaten no problem before and scream for the food on my plate. I’m a mean mom and I don’t think my 2 year old needs french fries. But now he knows what french fries are and I’m not allowed to eat them around him. Lest he launch into a wild thrashing scream in public where he has almost knocked his high chair over. Yes, those big wooden chunky ones. He is that strong and his thrashing that violent. Since I don’t want him eating junk I ignore it. But you can’t ignore that in public without the entire restaurant staring at you and going silent. I don’t even want to eat out anymore which was one of the small pleasures I had. Last night my husband got out his birthday ice cream cake while H was still awake (we were on our way up for bed) and of course he saw it. That began a 10+ minute long tantrum while I tried to get him ready for bed, brushing his teeth through screams. I’m not going to give in to the tantrum because that only causes more tantrums. You’re exchanging silence now for telling your child it’s cool to scream for things you want. It’s the whole reason we have issues with french fries. My husband just HAD to stop the crying and let him have some and guess what, now it happens every time. He gives in all the fucking time and all it does is make my life harder.

It doesn’t help that H also has issues with speech. He is delayed and receiving services, but we recently found out his issues are tied to pretty bad hearing loss due to fluid build up. His ENT is giving it a month to clear up with allergy medicine before moving on to other things. Maybe H has allergies. Maybe he doesn’t. All I know is he mouth breathes and can’t hear. I want the problem fixed and the source figured out. But this is a long process with months in between appointments. I feel all the building blocks are there. He does talk, it’s just really gibberishy. The bottleneck is his hearing. Once that is cleared up I have no doubt he will be talking at age level. He already seems to know letters and most words in his word book, that’s pretty good.

Outside of talking issues and extreme tantrums, he seems quite smart and helpful. He brings me things he thinks I need. His receptive language is great. He can usually watch his Daniel tiger without too much wandering. He still enjoys veggies. He can shape sort and do some puzzles. He’s a little big for his age, and I like that. He can pee on the potty when I ask.

His big brother is reading now and that’s fantastic. That’s about the only good thing I can say. He did alright with Kindergarten but frequently got in trouble or got bad colors. He started off doing well with First grade but over the past 6 weeks has gotten progressively worse with his behavior. He can NOT stop talking. He interrupts the teacher and bugs other kids. It’s just nonsense talk most of the time. Unimportant questions. Nonsense attention seeking behavior. I can’t even describe it without calling it dumb. He just ACTS DUMB all fucking day. He got in trouble the other day for stuffing his pockets full of tissues and insisting to the teacher he needed them instead of doing school work. The kind of stuff that makes you scratch your head and wonder wtf is wrong with this kid? He was moved to his own desk away from the other kids instead of being at a communal table because he was being too disruptive. He’s constantly bouncing off the walls running around at home bugging everyone. I don’t understand how anyone could parent this child without losing their mind. He is overstimulating to me and I’m in a constant state of wanting to get away from the noise and action because it does.not.end. I am frazzled all day every day. Just wishing he could freaking SIT STILL AND SHUT UP. He cannot. I asked him to sit on his butt next to me this morning and stay still and quiet. He might be able to do it for 30 seconds before he starts up wanting to say something or wiggling or trying to get up. I kept sitting him back down and snapping at him to remain quiet. After a little bit he began hitting himself in the head. Why? I don’t know and apparently he doesn’t either. If you try to talk reason and logic with him he just brick walls everything with “I don’t know” or “I forgot”. It’s like living with a tornado. A dumb tornado. My child doesn’t listen. My child has 0 self control. My child is very intelligent but acts very stupid.

We filled out behavior paperwork from his doctor and so did his teacher. Our appointment to discuss it isn’t until February but when I self scored it using a scale found online, he has ADHD. Impulsive/hyperactive subtype. This does not surprise me in the least. But of course my husband is not fully convinced it’s ADHD. I do think there is another component at play here, maybe OCD, but he definitely does have ADHD. This is beyond normal 6 year old boy behavior which is what everyone tries to hand wave away at me. I don’t understand why no one wants to support me. They all complain about P’s behavior but then when I bring up ADHD everyone wants to tell me he’s fine and normal and doesn’t need medication. Why the fuck is everyone in my life so against medicating a child with mental issues? YOU’VE DEALT WITH HIS ISSUES! He’s having issues at school with his teacher who is a god damn saint and an educational wizard who gives seminars to other teachers and goes the extra mile with P to build a behavior plan that works for him. But even she can not get anything to work for him. If an early childhood educator with as much pedigree as this one can not help my child, how can I ever expect to on my own?”But he acts just like so and so at that age” says my family. Then I ask if so and so ever had to be moved away from his peers because he was interrupting them all day. “Well no”. Ok then he isn’t “just like so and so” he’s his own person with his own issues. Also when so and so grew up unto a pretty mediocre adult why in the world would I see that as reassuring? So and so probably needed help too but you’d rather pretend nothing could possibly be wrong with so and so for your own feels. It’s absolutely maddening the lack of support I feel. My job is to help P grow into a functional adult with healthy relationships and a good education. He will need help to get there and I will get him every bit of help I can, whether that be medication or therapy based. I will do everything I can to see him not fail at life. He’s such a smart kid, he needs help controlling himself. The last thing I need is his classmates shutting him out and he becomes another statistic of radicalized lonely young boys who go down a bad path.

Husband is still husband. Our house is still needing help. The more I think about it husband probably has some form of ADHD because he has trouble keeping himself on task and staying organized. But his latest plan is to build a supershed in the back yard for his ebay mess so it’s out of the house once and for all. With the basement and garage no longer being used up we can finally start work on the basement and start bringing the house into the final stages of renovation. Though we’re still at a point where we’re deciding how much to do and whether or not we’re staying here or buying/building elsewhere. This house is lovely, I really do like it. But it’s not perfect and it does not have enough space for us both to be running businesses out of it. We can change that or leave. But we can’t leave it the way it is, there are still some things we can do to improve it whether we stay or not. This will all take time and money. We are currently working on a get out of debt plan and maybe we’ll be there in 1 years time. Without debt our ability to put money into the house will expand and make things easier. I just hope this isn’t more carrot on a stick nonsense with no end in sight. I’m trying to back off and let it happen, but it’s hard. I keep getting older and shit keeps staying the same. I can’t spend another decade on the hamster wheel getting nothing accomplished and staying miserable.

I’m still at a crossroads with my life and career. Do I prepare to go back to work for someone else or continue working for myself? My store is doing well, I grossed 25K this year which is so wonderful for a small time Etsy shop. I only net about 8K of that. I don’t know how much I make on ebay with my flipping venture but it’s probably very similar, I will start tracking it this year. It has always been hard because I’m carrying over so much inventory year to year and I don’t remember how much I paid. I don’t think I can ever grow this to a level where I match the income I’d make on the outside. But for now it’s really good for me and hopefully looks good to a future employer. That I wasn’t just sitting with my thumb up my ass raising two very difficult children, even though that alone is a job. I was also running essentially 2 businesses on top of it. #supermom

Let’s not even talk about the stress I deal with taking both these kids to the post office and goodwill after school every day. I’m sure the people at the goodwill think I’m abusive or something. We walk into the store and one or both of my kids are screaming more often then not. H screams because he needs P in the cart, it’s one of those irrational things he gets mad about. P does not want to sit in the cart and they both scream over it. P tries to run around and touch everything. He has broken items on more then one occasion. It does not matter that I’ve spent the last 2 years telling him every day at this store HANDS TO YOURSELF, he does not remember and will not keep his hands to himself or stop running. Because again, he has 0 self control and no brain. So I’m hunched over in his face reminding him, doing what I can to put the fear of god in him about not fucking touching anything. And to please stop talking. He continues talking nonsense at stores at the top of his volume. People seem to think this is funny and I must be a real witch to growl at him to shut up. I’m tired, so tired of every day being groundhog day. We go to the same store at the same time looking at the same things and I keep having to remind him of the same things. Please stop talking. Please be quiet. Please keep your hands to yourself. Please stop pulling the cart. Please stop annoying your brother. Please put that toy back. I’m sorry but how the hell am I supposed to keep my cool when I feel like I’m taking crazy pills and NOTHING CHANGES?? I’m exhausted dealing with it and I just need it to stop! No one helps me with these kids I’m basically a single mom who finds momming not enough and piles other responsibilities on. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to feel guilty about not being fine with motherhood alone. Motherhood sucks. Motherhood is not my hobby. Motherhood will not help my career. I’m not giving up my businesses to lessen my stress. I need more help with my kids.

I have a goal to get better at non vector art and less derivative art. So I bought myself an iPad Pro and Apple pencil. But now I have constant anxiety about spending alllll that money on something that I’m finding very difficult and I’m not sure I’ll ever excel at. It’s probably the most expensive thing I’ve purchased in….forever. Geeze I can’t think of the last time I dropped 800 dollars on anything, I’m not sure I ever have. Even the TV I bought almost 10 years ago was only 500. It’s so unlike me. I hoard money for rainy days. I like being financially solvent. It lessens my anxiety about not having a real job. Anxiety can be a potent fuel for me though. It’s a double edged sword. The anxiety pushes me to keep picking up the iPad and attempting some wonky scribble, but it’s also not allowing me to relax any and just take a night off. I have to find better balance. Between making and shipping orders and being a parent, I really lack free time. I’ll probably continue to exhaust myself with the iPad for the remainder of the month then relax on it a little. Oh and lets not even mention the thrifting youtube channel my husband and I have been kicking around. Because I definitely need more things to do with my non existent work time. God what is wrong with me? I want the success so bad I’ll keep pushing myself until it happens or die trying. Lets go 2020, we can do this! ADHD diagnosis for one, clearing the ears of the other, supershed for husband, and art improvement for me!

Summer Breaking Me

Summer break is the bane of my existence. Oh sure, that first week visions dance in your head of sprinkler fun, trips to the splash pad, playgrounds, nature walks, play dates, and more. STUFF! FAMILY FUN! Then once that honeymoon period fades you realize you’ll live the same old boring life you always have. You don’t live near any nice splash pads. You don’t have a usable fenced in backyard to send the kids into to play unattended and front yard is flooded after a half hour of sprinkler fun. All the playgrounds in town are littered with needles and in need of repair and sometimes you don’t want to drive 15+ minutes to a nice playground in a nice town. Not to mention none of them are toddler friendly. In fact none of your plans are really toddler friendly. Splash pads with a 20 month old mean them constantly trying to run away and skin their knees and you getting soaking wet trying to redirect them. Playgrounds mean equipment too big for them that you will have to hover near them the entire time to make sure a big kid doesn’t shove them down the slide. Plus when you’re a nap nazi and you live in isolated cow town USA you get exactly one shot at doing something so you’d better make it count. Oh and you can only stay MAYBE an hour before having to shlep home. When you put it that way, why even bother? It makes me feel bad for my older kid but such is life.

I spend most of every day sitting on my ass in my living room because there is nothing.to.do. Surrounded by my almost 6 year old that likely has ADHD and my 20 month old who needs to be sitting next to or on me all day. Sometimes he adds in a little extra in the form of thumb sucking and insisting on stroking my hair for a little razzle dazzle. But that is my entire life at this point. I don’t go anywhere unless it’s to eat or shop with my husband. I have 1 friend. Used to have 2.

Record scratch, detour. Time to rant about this second husband business I see a lot. Friend 2 went through a divorce and is now doing that typical second husband shit and I can’t relate. You know the shit. #livingmybestlife. Old husband no fun new husband gives foot rubs, old husband grouchy and overworked new husband paints my toe nails, old husband boring new husband fun! But you know they’re just in the honeymoon phase and old husband was actually a descent guy who seemed to be trying his best.  Plus they go on trips on their child free weekends. Like vegas trips. We’ve only remained friends because our kids are close in age. She’s getting married again and I’m not even bridal party close with her. I can be happy for her being happy but knowing WHY she got divorced and kind of side eyeing it all can take its toll on a friendship. I know I know dear reader. I sound like I’m full of sour grapes. And maybe I am. But the point I’m trying to illustrate is I can’t relate to her new life and all the time she spends with new man. We’re on 2 different playing fields. We never hang out and haven’t really been close since she started working full time. We’ve grown apart. So yeah, down to 1 hang out friend.

Friend 1 is pretty great as friends go but she has her own crazy busy life so we mostly text and rarely get together. And that’s fine. Simply another of the many reasons why I feel isolated and bored all the time. I wish I lived somewhere with activities. Everything close by. Options! Everything is so far away here. Even my mom is too far for convenience. I’m doing it all myself and it’s taking a mental toll. I’m hitting the wall. Summer break is breaking me.

Child P will be 6 very soon. He’s still an extremely active little shrimp. Being home in one room of the house ALL DAY with him is not good for my sanity. He’s every 6 year old boy ever but probably worse. He wants to run around and bounce off everything. He constantly makes terrible decisions and irritates me. He developed a vocal tic. He doesn’t learn from any gentle parenting and doesn’t recall anything I’ve exhaustively tried to relay to him. He simply doesn’t LEARN and just DOES WHATEVER. Nothing is enough to get him to train his brain to stop and think. That’s literally all I need him to do, take a second and USE HIS DAMN BRAIN before opening his mouth and begging me for something he forgot he just asked for 5 times already. He will not though. And of course any time you try and commiserate with others moms they just laugh it up and tell you how completely normal it is. Haha 6 year old BOYS amirite? Haha they’re so annoying and animalistic all the time. Haha it’s totally normal to want to rip your hair out parenting them. Haha just let them outside to run it off. Haha your mental health doesn’t matter. Hahahaha BOYS WILL BE BOYS. All I get from my husband is “he’s just like me as a kid” and all I get from my mom is “they wanted to medicate your brother but I SAID NO OMG I’M SUCH A GOOD MOM FOR THAT.” I will admit I need to reserve judgement about anything being “wrong” vs “normal” with my son but I have strong suspicion something is not right and that something is ADHD. I will be bringing this up at his birthday doctor’s visit, again, and pushing this time for an evaluation of some sort. I’m done pretending this is normal. I’m done being told this is just how boys are and you need to deal with it.

H is 21 months almost and still struggling with talking. He has no real clear words. He sometimes uses a 2 sound “word” to convey “all done”. Sometimes uh oh and thank you but the sound are all the same, the only thing that matters is context. His bye bye is a series of what I can only describe as squirrel chirps. He uses dadadada for everything ever. He is starting speech therapy but I don’t buy into it much this time around. I honestly think kids just talk at their own rate regardless of any “therapy” but I’ll go through the motions because it’s free and can’t do any harm. He’s still a good eater and sleeper. Fights every diaper change, clingy as hell, shy around new people, and sucks his thumb when watching tv. I try to pull it out when I can. He’s getting a little too old for it and I don’t want it bothering his teeth or affecting his speech. He brings me the remote sometimes when he wants to watch TV but it’s always during the TV free periods (read all day before dinner). He seems very smart, he understands how most of the toys work. He can push a car. He doesn’t point to body parts no matter how much I train it. He will pee on the potty if I bring him to it though so there’s that. Mostly he spends his time trying to slither across my lap for various reasons and crying when I try and push him away. I’m not allowed to do anything without H being nearby. On my computer? Lap slithering and twitching. Bathroom? Follow me. Lay down for a moment? Climbed on top of and sat on. I love how much he loves me but it does get suffocating.

Relationship wise things could be better. Maybe that lovey halo has peaked and fallen off. Things don’t seem quite as magical as they did in earlier posts. Maybe it’s me. Maybe summer is taking its toll on my mental state. I’m constantly on edge and no one cares. I spend all day with a tight chest and an explosive temper. I get no breaks. None. My husband doesn’t believe in “I’ll watch the kids you go out an spend a little time by yourself to regroup, you need it”. I tell myself that isn’t most husbands anyway but does that make it any better? He sure gets his alone time though to work on whatever projects he insists need to be done. Oh but I can’t point out this injustice, he isn’t “getting anything” out of these things he puts on his own plate and happily takes off to do. Then why the frig are you doing them then? He’s so completely full of shit and I don’t even understand it. Why are men like this? Why does this seem to be such a typical man problem? I realize there are plenty of guys who aren’t like this but I’ve read enough motherhood articles, NYT opinion pieces, forum posts, and conversations with friends to know this is all to common a “thing” among the XY chromosome having humans. Cool. Guess I’ll just be over here slowly plucking my feathers over constant stress and anxiety while you continue to take and take from me without giving back. See how long that lasts.


To be 16

We’re at 16 months the second time around. H was 30.81 inches and 24lbs 7oz at his 15 month appointment. Pretty big dude if I do say so. Since last update he walks all the time, can put the blocks correctly in his train, and loves his ball popper. He is starting to identify things and attempt saying them. He does not have any clear words yet. I believe he is starting to make progress towards hi, cat, and dada. He says dada clearly I guess.  He LOVES when his dad comes home from work. As soon as he hears the lock click he’s over by the door doing his jiggle dance wanting to be picked up. He is starting to wave, and will clap and high five. He doesn’t really do anything when asked though. If I ask for a clap he might actually respond with a clap 10% of the time. We are working on identifying “pee pee” for going pee, so that when he can respond to that as a command we can move on to introducing a potty chair. I think he’s starting to understand that as well. He is also pointing now which is cool. He seems to listen when he’s doing something wrong though. If he’s crawling on top of my computer and I tell him no he will usually back off it.

The mimicry is exploding this month so I’m hoping by 18 months he will have a leap forward in abilities. If I leave my keys on the ground he grabs the biggest one and tries to smash it into the door knob. He has put toys back on several occasions. When I leave my computer open to go to the bathroom I’ve come back to him with his hand on my mouse acting like he knows how to use it. I’ve even seen him throw something away. I was blowing something for him and he is now trying to blow as well….but he does it by pouting his lower lip and blowing up at his hair. It’s really amazing how much he’s learning. His favorite past time is sitting on my lap, sucking his thumb, and stroking a lock of my hair. If I’m sitting on the floor he’ll come over and plop right down on my lap to indulge himself. Luckily he rarely does it for long before he’s off to something else. I don’t think it’ll become a habit.

He has 6 teeth and currently I do not see more poking through. He eats pretty well but he doesn’t like pasta! Not even mac and cheese! He just spits it out or throws it on the ground. What kind of child doesn’t like pasta? Spaghetti type noodles seem to be fine though. H is definitely more picky then P, and I hate it. Please let him grow out of it.

Relationship wise I’m still pretty happy. Husbands patience has grown and he feels like a PARTNER in every sense of the word. Like maybe I’m not doing it all on my own, he tries to help when he can. It’s odd though because instead of enjoying it I find myself paranoid thinking this happy period is just a chapter in our book of life. Like I don’t deserve happiness or something. I hope this is the new us, new and improved. It has been at least a year or so that things have felt different for the better. We communicate more effectively and have more empathy towards the issues we face separately. We’re more intimate and playful. We do little things to help out each other. Just today my husband planned a child free outing so I could “have a day off”. Yes, I had to ask my mom to watch the kids and coordinate that part, but the fact that he could recognize I needed a break and made a suggestion 2 weeks ago to plan for it is huge. I do not want to go back to the way things were. I’m happy now. I’ll always remember us this way.

One year, one last year

My second and last baby has turned 1. What a momentous occasion. For the longest time I wasn’t sure I wanted 2 kids, 1 was hard enough. But the first year has flown by seemingly twice as fast as the first child’s first year. It’s insane! And it wasn’t so bad!

Baby, or should I say toddler #2 is still a fairly happy dude. He was 22lbs 10oz and 29.9 inches at his 1 year checkup, putting him in the 70th for weight and 50th for height. He just started walking about a week ago. Before then he refused to take steps or stand without holding onto something. Then he just let go and went for it and now he enjoys trying to walk. He is not 100% walking but he loves attempting to walk around. He is surprisingly proficient with his push walker and can even turn it around and walk everywhere with it. That’s pretty clever. He also recently started understanding the concept of turning the light off. This is something I did with my first son as well. After a bath I hold him to the light switch and ask him to turn it off. Both started doing it around this time. He still doesn’t put the blocks on top of the alphabet train like son #1 did at this age. He seems like he may be pickier then son 1. There are certain meals he picks at and isn’t excited about. That makes me sad since I don’t want either of my kids to be picky kids. Son 1 is oddly picky about potatoes. At least he still likes most veggies. They both like avocado, so they get to love SOMETHING green thankfully. No one likes those adults who refuse anything green on their sandwiches.

His schedule is pretty solid, he gets 1 nap at 11 and will nap typically until 1 or later. Rarely the nap is an hour. He goes down for bed at 8. We still nurse a few times a day and he gets a breakfast, lunch, and dinner with some whole milk. Things seem to be doing fine routine wise. He has 1 fang. I don’t know what that’s about. His bottom teeth feel like they may be ready to come out soon but so far he has a single top fang with the other fang barely poking out. I can see the edges of the top front teeth starting to come down. So odd he is getting tops before bottoms and fangs before middles. When he eats his food it is almost exclusively with his left hand. Son 1 was not so strongly handed at this age and is still somewhat ambidextrous, though he writes left handed. It seems as though I will end up with 2 left handed children. How you get that from 2 right handed adults and all but 1 right handed grandparent is beyond me. Genetics be like that sometimes.

No words out of him, at least nothing I would call official. He babbles mamamamama sometimes but I feel it’s just babbling and not calling ME mama. He does seem to vocalize a “yeah” but again, I think it’s just reading tea leaves level stuff and not real purposeful talking. I am not in a hurry for him to talk anyway. I learned my lesson with the last one to be careful what you wish for. Son 1 is in kindergarten and doing well. He is starting to read sight words and can read his “bears on wheels” book by himself. He gets mostly green on his color chart, some yellows, an there were a couple reds over the months. My husband started bribing him with a weekly small lego set to encourage his cooperation and to stop being a little shit at school. The first couple weeks were rough. I’m not a big fan of bribing, never have been. Bribing gets you on a track you can’t easily get out of. Once you start bribing then when exactly can you stop and just expect them to act decent because it’s the decent thing to do? I’m not sure you can. So we’ll see how it plays out. So far, I’m just glad he is staying green and not spittling at the principal anymore (yes this happened).

I am still happy in my house. The basement is not done nor will it be for some time I think. I have settled into the mindset that this is going to be my long time home, if not forever home. This means eventually I will get a livable basement, lovely useable backyard, and maybe even an addition over the garage. But none of it will be happening soon. This plan will take a decade. As any long time readers know, I do not do well with the long term. Looking forward to things that MIGHT happen SOMETIME gives me anxiety. I like knowing what to expect and when. I have accepted this is not always going to be possible and I should try to be excited for the future changes rather than lament their slow coming. So far it is going well. As for my anxiety, I have finally reached a breaking point and have sought help. I went for my annual well visit and nearly broke down at my doctor when speaking about some of the acute anxiety problems I face. My day to day is not bad and very manageable without medication. But it is the acute, situational issues that rapidly fire me up and drive me nuts that I have issues dealing with. My breaking point was at the Elton John concert I had been looking forward to since February. I could barely enjoy the opening song, Benny and the Jets, because I was close to puking or passing out. The anxiety of being “trapped” in the middle of the row and racing thoughts about omg what do I do, I came this far, I’ve wanted this so long, why am I so scared of dying or being trapped right now? What is wrong with me? It didn’t seem right. I was able to calm down, but I’ve had a lot of random issues like that where the kids have been pressing my buttons all day and I just want to hide away but I can’t. I react how any caged animal would. I scream and I lash out. I am not proud of it. I want help. My doctor prescribed me an antihistamine called vistaril to take as needed for anxiety attacks. I am excited to try something and see if it helps my “attacks”.

I’m not sure what is triggering me. Stress likely plays a part. My husband works a lot and then comes home and works on his ebay stuff, which is part hobby and part “we’re poor and need the extra income”. I feel I can’t ask him for help with the kids without him making me feel guilty because I am taking him away from his work and therefor taking money away from us. Money we so desperately need. So I get to be a shaken up bottle of soda frequently exploding onto everyone and my husband’s solution is the shrugging dude emoji. He gets to go in the basement and work on his ebay stuff, I don’t get to hide and work on my own anytime ever. I don’t get a vacation from being a mom. It’s all so cosmically unfair to me. I feel like a slave in my own home and NO ONE CARES. The other day son 2 was being picky about his dinner. The kitchen was a mess and needed cleaning. I asked husband, who normally retreats to the basement when he’s done eating if he could try and feed the baby or clean the kitchen. He tried to do the kitchen….by unloading and reloading the dishwasher. That’s it though, not wiping down the counters or anything else I do when I clean up EVERY NIGHT after dinner alone. He tagged off and fed son 2 while I did that. Whatever, it should have been fine, he helped, I’m grateful. But then he started fishing for praise. When I told him to stop fishing for praise he went and got stupid. He said “I’m not fishing for praise, I just want a thank you”. Ummmmmm wat. Since when is wanting a thank you not the same as fishing for praise? It’s the same fucking thing. And even if it weren’t, why do you need thanks for doing the dishwasher? He says it’s “my job” and he helped with “my job” and he didn’t have to help with “my job” but he did. Any other mom’s heads starting to get a little hot? Yeah mine too. Absolute bull shit excuse. You live here too dude, dishes are not “my job”. You don’t need thanks for taking care of shit that pertains to your existence too. I don’t enjoy cleaning. I do it because my brain will overheat in the presence of mess and clutter. If I don’t do it, it doesn’t get done. He usually walks the dogs at night before bed. Sometimes I do it. I don’t do it because I want him to thank me. I don’t care if he even notices. I don’t get mad if he never says a thing about it. Like it literally doesn’t matter to me. Sure it’s “his job” and sometimes I do “his job” but I never fish for praise. I don’t see things as “his job” or “my job”, we can both help each other out with rolls we happen to fall into without expecting anything from it.

He can talk about how he doesn’t WANT to do the ebay thing and he HAS to all he wants. He still enjoys doing it. It’s still fun for him. He still gets to do it alone whenever he wants away from the kids. I’ve offered to help him! I will always be the low woman on the totem pole of my house. Forever bearing 100% of the child related responsibilities and feeling guilty every time I make an appointment and have to sheepishly ask my husband to watch the kids. It shouldn’t be that way. Why should I have to feel that way in my own home? Asking permission to be something other then a mom for a few hours? It’s cruel and unfair. No wonder I’m so grouchy sometimes. A little acknowledgement of my struggle would be helpful. My husband seems to think that I should be grateful to have to do “nothing” but watch the kids all day and anything else I should reserve to do in the 3 hours I get to myself every night. No. That’s horrible. Maybe that’s enough for some people but it’s not for me. I don’t like never having money, I don’t like not getting to spend any time together as a family that doesn’t involve eating out or thrifting. I want my husband to be hanging out in the living room with me and the kids on his days off not hiding away and working on stuff. I’m beginning to think that life will never happen. My husband will always be working on something because that is who he is. So what do I do? Save me vistaril you’re my only hope.

New Horizon

I’ve been in hiding. I’ve been pregnant since February with our second son and just gave birth on the 8th at 11:36pm. He was 7lbs 12.5oz and 20.5 inches long. 37+1 weeks gestation. I’m not sure why I didn’t feel like writing about it. Maybe because this blog encapsulates everything about my first son and this is a new journey. It could also be that this child was technically a natural conception. He was a cup and syringe method success story, it worked our second month.

I had bad morning sickness that was only cured by home made Diclegis. B6 and Unisom ladies, it’s amazing. I carried all out front and got lots of random comments about being due any time for the last few months. I was super sore and got winded easily. I’d say a fairly normal second pregnancy, not as easy as the first, but I was still walking around and shopping the night before. Even baked some muffins.

Labor had a similar trajectory to my first son. Water broke in bed, though not as streaming as the first time. I felt odd tickles around 6am but because I didn’t feel a flow I figured maybe I was losing my mucus plug or something. When I finally got up to pee 2 hours later I was trickling on the toilet. I had a much larger gush around 10 walking up the stairs, then back to small trickles. No contractions, same as last labor. I was GBS positive so I couldn’t hang out at home all day. My mom came over to watch our first son and we got to the hospital around 2. Triage confirmed I was broken and I was admitted. I got a tub room this time and it was awesome. Probably the nicest birthing suite at the hospital. Since there were still no contractions at all they placed a foley bulb and I bounced on a birthing ball until it shot out when a nurse tugged the string. I had been having mild contractions at this point. They ramped them up with pitocin and I opted to get in the bath. The monitors weren’t working well from the tub, plus I was getting too hot and the contractions were 2-3 minutes apart and too strong to talk through. I stayed in the tub maybe an hour.

I got out and opted for the epidural. It didn’t work right away and I kept getting dosed up until my entire lower half was dead to the world. That freaked me out, I figured I wouldn’t be able to push because I couldn’t feel anything. I was checked and was 9cm, then 10cm not long after. I trial pushed for the residents and nurses, who determined I was pushing effectively enough to call in my doctor. He arrived drenched in rain and took control of the room. Apparently my Dr. is very well liked by the staff, as I had heard from the nurses on more than one occasion. I pushed for around 30 minutes when the Dr. asked if I wanted to pull him out. I overrode my initial thought, which was no, and reached down to grab him out. I had a minor tear and one large hemorrhoid.

When they went to move me to the mother baby suite my legs were still not working effectively. One nurse tried to move me and I ended up melting onto the floor. 2 Nurses got me back into bed and came back later to try again. At that point I could lock one knee and was able to be swung into a wheel chair. 2 more nurses wheeled me up to my suite and struggled to help me into bed. I felt bad but I was really that numb! At least I’m not overweight, there’s no way the could have moved me if I was. By 6am I was able to walk to the bathroom.

Recovery wasn’t as bad as last time. The hem was there but didn’t hurt as much. My tailbone felt sore and the hospital bed was uncomfortable. I tried to move around as much as possible to keep from getting stiff. I went home Tuesday evening and had an overwhelmed cry. I was finding myself in the same mental state as my first time with a newborn and was really panicking.

For whatever reason that was the last time I felt that way. I’m feeling really confident right now and actually enjoying the potato stage. Trying not to dread about the future, which is going to be just fine. I got through it fine with 1 kid, I’m not sure why I’d fail the second time around. I’m hoping it isn’t just an oxytocin high or something and I’ll crash later. I’m liking the way I feel at the moment, and I’m scared it won’t last.

As for the baby, he doesn’t do much. He isn’t awake very often, just wakes to nurse and goes back to sleep. He’s 10 days old, so I’m assuming this pattern will change. He’s up every 1.5-2 hours at night to nurse but at least he usually lets me nurse him then put him back down. So I’m getting sleep, it’s just very fractured. Somehow it has been enough. He sleeps longer stretches during the day which makes me grumble. I’m hoping the day night stuff will flip and he awakens more in the day and sleeps at night longer. I can only hope!

Totally Tres

3 Years old! I can’t believe I started this blog to keep track of my infertility progress 4 years ago!

So anyway, on to the update. We have since moved out of my mom’s and are living in the new house. I am still getting anxiety over it in similar ways to our original house 2 years ago. The basement is a total pig stye and unfinished and I hate going down there to do laundry. I’m impatient and I know this is going to take my husband forever to finish so that it’s acceptable to show off. The garage is also a complete mess with construction debris. I wish my husband could organize his shit and not be so messy. My life, and by extension his, would be a lot less stressful. At least the kitchen is almost done (trim and backsplash needed) so it’s not has half assed as it was at the last house. I don’t think I can ever be happy in my home unless we purchase one that NEEDS NO  WORK. I want that feeling before I die, to buy a house and just move your shit in and not live in a constant construction zone for 5 years.

Our son is doing well. He has gotten better with speech and you can actually hold a proto conversation with him. He can say phrases like “my mouth tastes bad” (he’s sick so it’s the mucus), “I’m so so so hungry”, “pick up me”, and “Can’t play outside, a storm coming”. So the grammar isn’t there, and he isn’t always easy to understand, but his vocabulary is wide and he can communicate his needs very well.

He also started preschool last week and is apparently being a good student. I wanted him to socialize and work on his fine motor skills mainly. He is potty trained and only wears a diaper at night. He can not do his own pants most of the time though. Getting dressed is very frustrating to him and I hope by the next update he can dress himself. He likes asking “what’s that noise” and I feel the “why” phase is right around the corner. He loves doing puzzles at the moment but his interests are fleeting. He still mostly makes a mess of all his toys and refuses to play with them the “correct” way. Still a messy eater, much better with a fork though. He is absolutely crazy most days and very hard to control and calm down. Very defiant and absent minded. I never thought I’d have to yell at a tiny human to stop trying to carry the fucking kitten 500 times a day. Logic would dictate that maybe someone would get it after 5 times but logic has no place in the toddler brain.

I’m still on the fence about having another child. There are times I really really want it, and then I realize I hate the newborn stage, I can barely handle 1 child who is full of energy and wears me out, and as a SAHM I’m pretty broke and can’t afford another. And by afford I mean the likely IVF and birth costs. Who knows what will happen with that, I still have time to decide. If it turns out I’ve passed my window and can not have anymore, I will come to terms with that. Having one child wouldn’t be so bad.

18 months….1.5 YEARS

Sheesh, I have a fucking TODDLER now. When the hell did this happen? I don’t have a baby, I have a tiny adult with tiny adult wishes and tiny adult temper.

So much has happened since last post. The move happened and I’m now in my apartment-like rental house in NC. It’s not too bad, and it doesn’t bother me like the last house did. Still completely out of our hands when we will be making the next move but my husband wants out of here ASAP and promises not to be here by the end of the year. I really don’t care either way since there’s no guarantee I will like our next place as much as I like this place. I’m content at the moment and trying to stay that way. Our house sold to the first person who viewed it. She put an offer in and everything. Our house was on the market all of 5 days and shown to 2 people. That has to be some kind of record. We sold it at a loss of course (break even for mortgage technically), so that probably had something to do with it. I do miss it a little bit but I’m also glad it’s gone. Buying that house was a mistake, and now the 5 years of hell we spent in it can be behind us. Now all of the problems are someone elses!

P is doing fine too. Still basically the same. Eating like a hog, still loving foods of all kinds, still feeding him healthy. Only real difference is he has a few more words (mama, dada, up up, down, kitty, hi, bye,no) but they aren’t really recognized easily by others (besides hi) and he doesn’t use them much (besides dada and kitty). He jargons a lot though and it sounds like a tiny foreign dictator is living in my house. I still don’t think he will be a linguist any time soon. I tend to know what he wants and he gets frustrated if he doesn’t get it. The longer I spend trying to label and coax the proper word out, the more agitated he becomes that I’m not understanding what MMM MM MM and pointing means. He will talk in time, just as he has done everything else he is supposed to. He will just randomly start doing it one day. He also recently learned to use things to climb up on other things, which sucks. You know what else sucks? Having a headstrong toddler who is hell bent on living fast and dying young. I swear I spend most of my waking hours keeping him from hurting himself. It’s exhausting. And of course he doesn’t listen, how can he listen when there’s no real way to punish at this age? When he’s not trying to hurt himself he’s crying about not getting to hurt himself or not getting something else he wants…like ALL the bananas on the counter. Terrible 2s are going to suck if this is just a preview.

Lots of changes behind us and lots of changes ahead. Stay tuned for the 2 year update!

We made it!

Little man is OFFICIALLY A WHOLE YEAR OLD OMG WTF. A whole year? Already? Impossible.

I can’t write a single blog post for the occasion. Nope. I’m going to do 3. Yes 3. One normal update post, one “day in the life” post detailing every single detail of my day with a 12 month old, and one “everything I learned” post filled with product reviews and life tips. For now, on to the update!

We still breastfeed, and for some reason the past few days he has been really boob centric. Like if we bathe together or if my boob flops out of my shirt he has to suck on it. It’s odd, but I find it adorable none the less. Makes me sad that my milk supply is dwindling, but I think he nurses for the comfort and not the food anyway. I am proud as heck to make it to a year without a drop of formula in his tummy. Not a dig at formula moms, but those who have breastfed, or even tried to, know what kind of difficulty that accomplishment carries. I quit pumping because I’m just tired of it and I’m not paranoid about losing my supply anymore.

He eats 3 meals a day, breakfast lunch a dinner. Breakfast is usually half a big banana, a 4oz yo toddler yogurt cup, or whatever 1/4th a cup of dry earths best tot hot cereal turns into with water, probably a half cup. Lunch is some combination of quinoa, cheese, avocado, tuna, hard boiled egg, corn tortilla, fruit, or left over dinner. Dinner is whatever I have made if it’s baby friendly. If not it’s a chicken breast shredded up and some veggies. I need more ideas for healthy lunches and dinners. I’m hugely anti added salt and sugar, so the choices for healthy lunches that come easy are slim. I think I do a good job keeping his palet free of salty choices and fostering a good attitude towards veggies. He eats whatever is put in front of him with little fuss and tends to whine when it’s all gone. He’s SUCH a piggy and loves eating. He went from 8th percentile to 18th in weight, so I guess the food is doing him good, though he’s still a skinny minnie.

Although I thought he wouldn’t walk before his first birthday….I was wrong. So, so wrong. He took his first step, that was actually like 3 steps, July 5th. Within the week he was walking 8-10 steps. Now he can walk from one person to another fairly easily, though his primary mode of transportation is still crawling. I’m just thrilled he CAN walk and actually chooses to from time to time!

He has another tooth that looks like a fang cutting through the top, and others look to be under the surface waiting to pop too. It’s odd that he has a fang coming out before the other top teeth but when has my son ever done anything by the book?

Still only takes 1 nap a day typically. I give him a quiet lay down nurse late afternoon to see if he will pass out, but he only does about 10% of the time. He doesn’t seem any worse for wear because of it. His first nap will now last 1-2 hours. Usually at least 1.5.

He seems very bright too. He just got an alphabet train for his birthday and the first day I opened it I showed him where the blocks go in the top and come out the back. You have to line the block up right and then push it down. By the second day he was doing it all by himself. Picking blocks from the caboose, lining it up at the top of the train, and pushing them down so they shoot into the caboose. I didn’t expect that level of intelligence from him but he surprises me with this stuff all the time. I also got him stacking cups and he is very interested in stacking them, though he doesn’t try for accuracy. Sometimes a cup gets put on top of another sideways. It’s clear what his intent is, he’s just not very good at it yet. He also loves emptying drawers and opening and closing doors. Lately he has begun putting things back in drawers, even if the thing was never in the drawer to begin with. He can also tip a cup to drink in the bathtub but frequently chokes himself on the water flow. He also clapped in response to me clapping a few days ago, it seems monkey see monkey do is in full swing.

His communication skills are getting better, though he has not broken the language barrier yet. No real words that I can discern, not even a mama or dada discriminately. I figure I’m too intuitive and he doesn’t have to communicate to use me as a tool. He’s very independent and likes to do things himself. Rather than point to something on the couch (he still doesn’t point or wave), he will just climb up me and get to it himself. He does communicate by throwing his hands up when he wants to be picked up, so there’s that. He understands when I ask something of him sometimes as well. He’s an ace at “turn the light off” in the bathroom when I hold him near it. He’s also gotten better with “give X to mama”. Only recently has he begun actually dropping the items in my hand when I hold my hand out for it. He shows signs of communication, but right now he’s just honing his gross and fine motor skills. There will be time for communication later I suppose.

We had his first party this past weekend at my father in laws house. I expected to have the party inside since they have 2 living rooms joined by a newly remodeled kitchen. In the very least in the back yard, where they have a pool and plenty of room. Nope, have the party in the garage. I insist on at least doing the cake inside. Party went well, mostly people from my husband’s family showed up. Mother in law was crazy as per usual. No more than 60 seconds after showing up she starts blubering on husband’s shoulder about her husband dying of cancer. This is not new news. It sounds harsh but she does not know how to stop making everything about her. It’s never about how her husband (who we are not close to at all) is feeling, it’s about how SHE is feeling about it. She can’t be complaining about what an awful husband he is one minute to get sympathy, and then cries about losing him to get more sympathy. It sounds so mean from the outside but trust me, I was rolling my eyes heavily at her production. Other than that the party went well. P got a lot of neat stuff, and we got plenty of pictures an memories. I don’t post a lot of pictures of him on here because you know, crazies, but here’s the one of him I posted on facebook for his birthday.

PagesIt may have taken me a while, but I am head over heels in love with my son. As difficult as being a mother is, I don’t know that I would change anything. I am enjoying life right now. I love our days together. I’m sad that he will never be this age again. He will only be 1 year once. The entire world will never love him as much as they love him now. Random strangers and old ladies will never pay him as much attention as they do now. I will always love him. I love him a little more each day. He’s amazing. He’s everything I ever hoped for when I started this blog. He was worth every penny, every tear, every moment of heartbreak, just for this. I’m so happy he is my son and I am his mom. I get it now when people lament their child growing up. He is perfect right now. I’m living in a dream. I don’t want him to stop being my little baby. But we can’t stop the march of time, so I must enjoy it while it lasts. And enjoy it I shall.

10 months!

Mr. P turned 10 months yesterday. His first birthday is right around the corner and my brain can’t even process that he’s not a tiny helpless baby anymore!

After reading the last post it seems that not much has changed. He still eats the same way, and I aim to have him on mostly table food by 12 months. I just love the convenience of jars, I’m such a lazy mom. I think I just struggle with what else to feed him for lunch and such. I’m such an “unhealthy” eater and I mostly graze. I may have a hotdog and some hummus with chips for lunch. Besides the hummus I can’t really share that with him. I still give him chicken breasts and veggies for dinner. I did start offering a mid morning snack of yogurt or a banana or whatever I’m having a bit of for breakfast. I’ve made a move closer to giving him everything on my plate, even if it’s not “healthy”. If I’m having fish and mac and cheese, he gets some mac and cheese too. He eats whatever is put in front of him so well that we’re not at a point where I have to worry about him rejecting everything except the childhood trifecta. Mac and cheese, chicken nuggets, and hot dogs. His nutrition is my utmost concern since he’s such a pipsqueak, I’m a little paranoid about it.

My milk supply just keeps on going down despite the fact that I’m always nursing him. I think once your cycle restarts/your kid gets solids it’s a kiss of death, especially for small breasted moms. I still pump nightly and refeed the milk the next day, but I look forward to the day I’m completely done with it. I’ll still probably nurse past 12 months, but I will quit pumping and not worry about preserving it. We will nurse for a bond, not for sustenance at that point.

He cruises very well now, and even pushes his push walkers expertly. Unfortunately I don’t think this will translate into walking anytime soon. In fact I’m skeptical he will walk before his first birthday. He seems to have such an aversion to standing alone or taking steps. He will almost never stand unassisted. If I hold him and place him in a stand, he will hover momentarily before plopping down, so he CAN do it, but he actively refuses. Most of the time when I try to place him in a stand he will go rag dolly and refuse to put weight on his legs, pushing them out to sit instead. My arms get tired of hovering him and I just quit trying. I feel like he has no incentive to walk when crawling works so well for him. He crawls, he stands, then he cruises to what he wants, then plops into a sit and repeats the process. It doesn’t help that my friend’s child who is 10 days older than P has already taken his first steps. Fuck mommy wars.

Without further ado….WE HAVE FUCKING TEETH….starting. You can finally see and feel the little white teeth poking through his gums. By next post the teeth will definitely be fully in. Naturally, P is completely miserable. He wakes in the night and wails, and has fits throughout the day where he desperately tries to rub his gums with his hand or fingers. It’s sad, because he won’t take any help! He largely ignores any cold teething rings or washcloths. All I can do is dose him with Tylenol and wait it out.

My husband and I are going on vacation for around 10 days with P. Another visit to our “second home” in Florida. His aunt is a saint and loves hosting us, but I think she likes visiting with P more 😉 Who could blame her, my son is a heart stealer.

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