85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Hear child stirring and grumbling at 7:45. Husband is out of bed doing whatever husbands do before going to work at 8. I roll back over and ignore my human alarm until 8. I’d really like it if he slept in until 8, level with self that by ignoring him I’m teaching him to sleep in. Know deep down this is not the case. Get child at 8. Change diaper while trying to hold my wiggling ninja and keep him from flipping over. He hasn’t sit still for a diaper change in months. I’d assume having a soggy wet night time diaper removed would be heaven, but I guess that level of logic is not achieved yet. Smear A&D on to make future poop removal easier. Snap up pajamas, wonder why pajamas have so many damn snaps. Return to bedroom to nurse. Child nurses for maybe 15 minutes while I read various things on my phone. Posted pictures of his party on facebook recently and someone commented that they would like to see a video of him walking. Having taken one yesterday with Scorsese-like precision, I upload it to Facebook and tag the asker, you know, to look like I have an excuse to post a video of him walking. I tend to overdirect and stage things that I know I’m posting for others to see. Wonder if everyone is that crazy or just me. Enjoy likes rolling in. Let child play and roam for a little bit. 9am rolls around. Gather child in arms and guide dogs out into the back yard. Thankful neighbors do not have their dogs out too. Go inside and portion out dog and cat food. Feed animals. Let child play a little more. He opts to stay in living room and play with stacking cups and fabric blocks. I view likes on video posted to facebook. Admire video some more and decide to count the amount of steps he takes. The answer is 10.

9:30, time for breakfast. Today will be a Yo Toddler organic strawberry banana yogurt/cereal blend cup. They’re pretty tasty. I wiggle the cup to get my son’s attention, then beckon him to follow me to the bedroom. He does, but he isn’t pleased to have to get there under his own momentum. I sit down in my computer chair while child stands off to my side, holding my leg. For some reason this is where we always eat breakfast, with him standing next to me while I sit. Nurse before giving him the yogurt cup. I spoon him his yogurt. He finishes, but shortly after crawls out the door way and spits some of it up. Spit up has become fairly uncommon, but still happens. My son has been a spitter since his first day home. Sit on the floor with him while he plays for a little bit more. Telltale poop sign, I hear him grunting and smell a stinky butt. Poop after breakfast is a 50/50 shot. It comes either post breakfast or lunch and tends to change after a week or so. This week it has been breakfast. Struggle to change diaper because he will not stop twisting. Pray I do not allow him to fling it everywhere. Achieve clean butt. More A&D. It is almost nap time at 10:30. He slept in a little bit today (normally he awakens at 7:30) and fear he will not nap easily. Throw his blankie over my shoulder and put on a lullaby on his simba sound machine. We sway together to the music simply to indicate “this will be nap time”. It is something we have done since he was about 4 months old. Place him down in the crib. Cover with his blankie. Crank mobile. Change lullaby to sea sounds and leave, with door slightly ajar. Sounds clear.

He does not fuss much at all. Hear the same fucking dog that gets left outside every day this week during nap time. Dog is loud and obnoxious. Hope he doesn’t wake my son up. Wonder why there are so many dog-ignoring assholes in my neighborhood. If I can hear your dog, so can you, stop sharing your problems with everyone in the neighborhood and take a little responsibility. Decide if I would like to nap or watch Futurama DVD commentaries from season 8. Opt for DVD. Get going. It’s around 10:50. Peak in on quiet child. To my horror he is just sitting there silently playing with his blanket. Leave and check again 10 minutes later. He has fallen asleep. Dog has been let back inside. DVD watching commences. Watch 3 remaining episodes. Son wakes up before I can watch special features. It’s 12:30. Immediately regret decision not to nap. I feel like shit.

So begins afternoon phase. If day with a baby were a roller coaster, this is the part right after the first hill. Everything leading up to this has been a slow and quiet ascent. Prepare for non stop action until bed time. I change his diaper and nurse him again. We have to get lunch ready. I slaved over a batch of zucchini quinoa Parmesan bites the night before. Place 2 on a plate with a wedge of avocado and open a cup of mandarin oranges. Drain and rinse, there’s too much sugar in the syrup. I read labels of everything I buy and wished fruit didn’t have to come in syrup or juice. WHY CAN’T THEY JUST USE WATER? Figure the rinsing helps. Split cup, half goes on his sectioned plate, half gets dumped in my mouth. I make an avocado grilled cheese for myself. Feel guilty that I feed my child healthy food though I’m addicted to comfort food. Say it’s for the best. Say it’s not really an issue, I’m slim anyway. Feel slightly less guilt. Unfortunately I can not recall what my son was doing while I was making lunch. I believe he was clinging to my leg and whining. Place food near high chair that was left in living room from night before. Snatch child, wash his hands, and grab a bib from his drawer. Sit him in his high chair and begin transferring bites of food from his dinosaur section plate that I got on clearance at Toys R Us to his tray. Juggle this with eating my sandwich. Watch @Midnight from the previous night on the DVR. This is a lunch time ritual for us, though he can’t see the TV. Finish lunch at the same time.

Decide whether or not to leave house today. Decide not to. Decide to fold basket of clothing washed the day before. Every Sunday is laundry day. I do all of my husband’s clothing in 1 load and my son’s and mine in another. I don’t understand the laundry piles other people speak of. I get it all done in one day. Folded husband’s yesterday, for some reason did not find time to fold second load until today. Folding clothes with a loose baby is an exercise in futility. Put on an episode of SNL from the DVR. It is the one where Kristen Wigg hosts. Not a huge fan of hers but I watch it anyway. Takes 4x as long to fold clothes since child crawls through piles, comes to pick folded items up/throw them behind him, picks unfolded items from basket and throws them behind him. While folding one pile he knocks over another. It’s one of my greatest frustrations. Finish folding somehow. Know that I can’t carry it all to his bedroom without leaving some behind. What gets left behind will be completely destroyed by the time I get back. Decide to try a bold strategy. Put son in his Baby Einstein jumper that I got on Craigslist for 20 dollars. He immediately screams and cries, something he does any time he is placed in a restraint of any kind, even one as fun as a jumper. I carry on with moving the folded clothes from the living room down the hall to son’s room. By the time I come back to grab more he is happily bouncing and vocalizing. Mimic his bouncing to his delight. Finish putting clothes away. Release child from bouncy prison.

Remember that son turns 1 tomorrow and I’ve been putting off getting my “free” insurance covered breast pump, since I had one gifted to me anyway and didn’t need a second one. Figure I can sell it on craigslist or ebay. Snicker at the thought of fraud. Reason that it’s not fraud and plenty of moms get them for free without ever intending to breastfeed. Google company I had heard of locally that does breast pumps. Get number and call them. Son has crawled into room and will not stop droning on with his signature yell. On hold a while. Retrieve wallet and insurance card. Lady finally picks up and has a thick southern accent. I imagine her to be overweight with short red hair for some reason. She asks me a series of questions, and doesn’t listen to the answers since I have to repeat myself several times. I walk from room to room to try and avoid my son’s droning. He follows and will not stop the noise. Puts me on hold again once hearing that my son turns one tomorrow and is not being born tomorrow (what she assumed despite me not phrasing it that way at all). Processes all my information, can’t find Dr. under her phone number I provided. I look up the number for the main office and give her that. She is able to find my Dr.’s information now. I wonder how stupid the system is to not have all office numbers available as a reference, what if I didn’t know any better? Assume woman on the phone is mentally challenged since she can’t listen. Assume she is misspelling everything I tell her despite using syntax like “A-B-F as in FRANK, so there is no confusion. Call ends. I know immediately nothing will get processed in time, and I know it’s 100% this woman’s fault. I don’t know who she is but I hate her and her whole family. Text husband’s aunt about his CPAP machine picking up the smell of our glade plug in. She owns and operates sleep clinics and is the reason we have the machine in the first place. Husband says the smell gives him headaches. I can barely smell the scent on his machine. Get a text back with vinegar cleaning instructions. Know that won’t really fix the problem but make a mental note to clean the machine later. Son has managed to empty at least 3 drawers of clothing. I’ll put it back later.

It is now close to 3pm. Son is droning on and on. Remember that the couch needs a new blanket covering since my husband stole the blanket that was originally there. He claims he sleeps better with it over the fuzzy blanket he normally sleeps with. Remember seeing perfect couch blanket at local store just this past weekend. Kick myself for not buying it then. Decide despite saying I would not leave the house today, I leave the house to get the blanket. Reason that I can be back by 4pm, just a short trip won’t be so bad. Get son in car. Realize I left wallet inside because I took it out to get the insurance card. Run back inside to find wallet. Can’t find it. Go back to car to get son since this will take longer than 30 seconds. Find wallet in dirty clothes basket. No idea how it got there. Wonder where insurance card is. It will turn up eventually. Put son back in car. Drive to store. Feels like an eternity, this drive seems longer than usual. Get to store, make B line for blankets find the one I remember seeing. 12.99 for twin, 14.99 for queen. 16.99 for king. Incorrectly think a king will be longer than my last blanket and opt for king. Store normally has a long line but today it’s not so bad. Blank expression on my face. I am exhausted. Buy blanket, leave store. Load child and take a slightly faster route home. Wonder why I didn’t take that way the first time. Home at 4:15. Jeep is indicating it needs gas. Next drivers problem.

Change diaper. Husband mentioned that I didn’t have to make dinner, he would eat left over chicken wings from the past weekend’s party for our son’s birthday. A nice gesture…but I still have to make dinner, just not for him. Lay down with son and nurse. It’s his nap option time. Ever since he was 9 months old he started rebelling against a second nap unless it was super close to bed time. I lay down with him around 4:30 every day and nurse. Maybe 10% of the time he will doze off. I still like giving him the option. It’s the only way he will lay still long enough to fall asleep in the afternoon. He does not take one today. Give up after 15 minutes. It’ s close to 5, time to start dinner. Decide to make turkey quinoa taco bake. It’s something we can eat off of for days. Let son into kitchen. He is still in a yelling/droning mood. He does this quite often for long periods of time. It’s just a phase I tell myself. He gets into literally everything. He has a drawer just for him of plastic spoons, spatulas, Tupperware, various things I decide to put in there for him. He empties it, and just about every other cabinet he can get his mitts on. Curse husband for procrastinating with installing cabinet locks. Instantly regret making taco bake, it takes forever. Thankfuly I cooked quinoa night before for zucchini parmesan bites. Son will not stop droning, and he has decided to empty the metal pans from under the oven. They are super loud and annoying. Brain hurts. Get to the part of recipe that calls for tomato sauce. Know I had 2 cans. Swear I only used 1 before. Can’t find second can. Go crazy looking for it. Concede it’s gone forever. Contemplate running to store nearby. Can not mentally handle leaving the house right now. Break down and use pizza sauce instead. Close enough. Combine ingredients and bake.

Feed child graham sticks and feel bad that dinner is taking so long. Take dogs out again. Neighbors dog it out unattended and barks at mine. I can not handle the noise anymore. Dogs finish up and we go inside. Have some time before taco bake is done. Throw frozen spinach in steam bag. Huge hunk breaks off in hand and scatters all over counter. Salvage what I can and sweep the rest onto ground for dogs. They refuse to eat it. Just leave it there. Wonder if steam bag is BPA free. Assume it is not. Feel guilty. Make mental note to email company. Remember I have to wash CPAP machine. Later. Get back to son’s room. Clothing is still all over the floor. Put it back, but not neatly. Reason that I’m planning on reorganizing drawers as soon as I get suitable vacuum seal bags. The ones I have now are garbage. Flop on floor while son crawls all over me. Google 12 month old portion sizes. Have misplaced fears of son becoming obese despite only being in the 18th percentile for weight. Find site that is all about the evils of baby food jars. Feel guilty. Taco bake is almost done, just needs foil off for 10 minutes. Scoop some out and put it on a plate to cool for son. Remember that new blanket needs to be washed before using it. Grab blanket and pillow from couch and put items in the washer downstairs. Come back upstairs. Get son ready for dinner. Take taco bake out of the oven and prepare a plate for myself. We sit down to eat. He eats whatever I put in front of him and never seems to get full. Throw chunks of spinach on his tray while I wolf down my tacos. We finish dinner. I take tray and plates to be cleaned.

Change into pajama pants. Find insurance card in the pocket from earlier. We sit down on the floor, but son is still in a droning mood. Put on SNL episode. It’s the best of Mike Myers. I’ve seen it 100 times. I guess I’ll make it 101. Flip through facebook. Enjoy likes and comments on video posted. See favorite band has posted a new song. But it’s not my son’s birthday my mind thinks. Oh duh, it is…basically. Knew band was releasing song on the 21st and pegged it to birthday. Couldn’t fathom birthday being tomorrow. I mute TV and listen to song. Song is by band with heavy Russian accents but I latch on to the chorus lyrics “you don’t have to be strong enough….”. Groove pretty hard. Feel instantly better. Decide to open Alphabet Train son got for his birthday. Needs wheels put on with screwdriver. Can’t handle that right now. Aint nobody got time for that. Play with it anyway. Place blocks in the top and they shoot out the back. Son sees me do it and he tries to do it himself. Proud mama.

It is close to 7pm bath time. I get his bath drawn and pour his “last” bottle of breastmilk. My supply has been tanking and I decided to give up pumping overnight to keep it up. Bottle is only 2oz. Get into tub with son. He dunked my phone yesterday, caused it to break for a few hours, but it’s fine now. For the first time ever he seems very disinterested in bath play and more interested in sucking on my boobs. I find it quite cute. Husband comes home from work and comes into bathroom to say hi. Laughs at son breastfeeding in the tub. I soap up his noggin and ask husband why the drain doesn’t work. I know the answer, I just want to indicate that I’m tired of it and need it fixed ASAP. I’m going to fix it this weekend, I promise. Our house needs a lot of repairs….a LOT. This feels like a small victory. We will see if it actually gets fixed though. Struggle to rinse noggin, there is no child on the planet that understands “tilt your head back”. It will always sound like a foreign language to them. Reach for Earths Best training toothpaste and finger brush. Child gets excited and licks his lips. The flavor is apple and pear and he apparently thinks it’s a treat. Tiny blob on brush and present to child, who opens his mouth like a baby bird. I scrub away at the 2 bottom teeth, get the entire mouth, and try to brush the one fang coming in up top. Wonder why my child’s top teeth are coming in out of order. Worry. Hand him washrag to “rinse”, he sucks water off of it. Husband goes to eat chicken wings. Get out of tub and towel myself off and get dressed. Grab child from tub and towel him off. Bring him over to the lightswitch. Turn the light off I ask. He reaches out, fiddles with the switch, and turns it off. Proud mama. We have been practicing the light turning off task since he was 6 months old. He completely understands it now.

Head to bedroom for jamies and diaper. Put on overnight diaper. Wonder if there’s really a difference between overnights and regular diapers that boast 12 hour protection. Decide it’s probably just a marketing scam. Decide not to buy anymore overnights when this pack is up. Remember CPAP needs to be cleaned. Do it later. Put on pajamas. Again curse pajamas for having too many snaps. Carry son to my bedroom for his final nurse. There won’t be much left since he sucked some out during bath time. We nurse anyway. When he won’t love on the bosom anymore I present the last bottle. He sucks it dry and won’t stop. I think he’s just in a sucking mood today. I snuggle him close to me and move into his bedroom. I turn on the overhead stars despite there being too much ambient light to see them. It’s a habit from winter time. We do not have darkening shades. Son whines a bit, but goes down quickly after the bedtime mantra I have said to him since his first nights alone in the crib at 6 weeks. Goodnight P, I love you, sleep tight, I’ll see you in the morning. Press same sound button as nap time on the simba sound soother on my way out. I don’t hear any complaints. It is 8pm.

Go back to my bedroom, where the lights are off and it’s much darker because of the shade tree outside the windows. Flop on bed. Remember CPAP needs cleaning. Do it later. Husband comes in in shirt and underwear saying he needs to take a shower. Flops down next to me anyway. We get to talking about my day, about his day. We both vent about stuff. I vent about dumb people on facebook, the obese 5 year old news story I read, how I try so hard to be a good mom that it drives me nuts. He vents about his workplace, mostly about how he tries to whip his crew of men into shape. There’s a reason my husband is their leader, he’s one of the best workers they have. Apparently most others are lazy good for nothings. Time flies in our discussion. I lay my leg over his without thinking. He pipes up “I really like it when you drape yourself over me, makes me feel like you actually want me, that you love me.” Feel guilty that I don’t show husband enough love. He has his flaws, there are days I want to claw his eyes out, but today is not one of them, because he is simply talking to me and letting me vent and not arguing. We talk until 8:40. I encourage him to take his shower. I know what husband would like and is in the mood for. Like 99% of the time, I am not in the mood. It’s something I wish I could fix, but I just don’t have the same drive I used to. Husband is a physical, touchy feely lover. If I don’t show him love in a physical way he gets very sad and pent up. Know what I have to do. Want to make him happy, just don’t want to be touchy. Husband finishes shower and lays on the couch silently. I was correct in my assumption. Spend some time with husband intimately. He is visibly happier. Mission accomplished. He retires to his mancave in the basement and I decide to take a hot bath and have a big chocolate chip cookie my mother brought me from Amish country. It is now 9:30.

Remember CPAP needs cleaning. Decide to bring jug of vinegar into bathroom with me. Disassemble CPAP and fill sink with vinegar and water. Dunk all parts and let them sit for 30 minutes in the solution. Watch some videos in the tub on my Galaxy Tab 2. Watch video about the obese 5 year old. Watch another video, a vice documentary about reborn babies. Totally get where these women are coming from. All the beauty and “fun” of a newborn with out all the bad parts. Get out of tub half way through to rinse and dry CPAP parts. They still have a scent to them, the scent was never bad to begin with. Get back into tub. Finish documentary. Husband comes in asking when I will be done because he has to poop. I tell him I’m done and start to get out. Dry off, get dressed. Put CPAP back together. Turn it on and let it air out a little. Get blanket from dryer. Put it on the couch. Have to fold some of it back because there’s too much fabric in the wrong place. Take dogs out for the last time. Brush and floss teeth. Lay in bed and watch a little TV. It’s around 11. Husband comes in. We go to sleep.

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We made it!

Little man is OFFICIALLY A WHOLE YEAR OLD OMG WTF. A whole year? Already? Impossible.

I can’t write a single blog post for the occasion. Nope. I’m going to do 3. Yes 3. One normal update post, one “day in the life” post detailing every single detail of my day with a 12 month old, and one “everything I learned” post filled with product reviews and life tips. For now, on to the update!

We still breastfeed, and for some reason the past few days he has been really boob centric. Like if we bathe together or if my boob flops out of my shirt he has to suck on it. It’s odd, but I find it adorable none the less. Makes me sad that my milk supply is dwindling, but I think he nurses for the comfort and not the food anyway. I am proud as heck to make it to a year without a drop of formula in his tummy. Not a dig at formula moms, but those who have breastfed, or even tried to, know what kind of difficulty that accomplishment carries. I quit pumping because I’m just tired of it and I’m not paranoid about losing my supply anymore.

He eats 3 meals a day, breakfast lunch a dinner. Breakfast is usually half a big banana, a 4oz yo toddler yogurt cup, or whatever 1/4th a cup of dry earths best tot hot cereal turns into with water, probably a half cup. Lunch is some combination of quinoa, cheese, avocado, tuna, hard boiled egg, corn tortilla, fruit, or left over dinner. Dinner is whatever I have made if it’s baby friendly. If not it’s a chicken breast shredded up and some veggies. I need more ideas for healthy lunches and dinners. I’m hugely anti added salt and sugar, so the choices for healthy lunches that come easy are slim. I think I do a good job keeping his palet free of salty choices and fostering a good attitude towards veggies. He eats whatever is put in front of him with little fuss and tends to whine when it’s all gone. He’s SUCH a piggy and loves eating. He went from 8th percentile to 18th in weight, so I guess the food is doing him good, though he’s still a skinny minnie.

Although I thought he wouldn’t walk before his first birthday….I was wrong. So, so wrong. He took his first step, that was actually like 3 steps, July 5th. Within the week he was walking 8-10 steps. Now he can walk from one person to another fairly easily, though his primary mode of transportation is still crawling. I’m just thrilled he CAN walk and actually chooses to from time to time!

He has another tooth that looks like a fang cutting through the top, and others look to be under the surface waiting to pop too. It’s odd that he has a fang coming out before the other top teeth but when has my son ever done anything by the book?

Still only takes 1 nap a day typically. I give him a quiet lay down nurse late afternoon to see if he will pass out, but he only does about 10% of the time. He doesn’t seem any worse for wear because of it. His first nap will now last 1-2 hours. Usually at least 1.5.

He seems very bright too. He just got an alphabet train for his birthday and the first day I opened it I showed him where the blocks go in the top and come out the back. You have to line the block up right and then push it down. By the second day he was doing it all by himself. Picking blocks from the caboose, lining it up at the top of the train, and pushing them down so they shoot into the caboose. I didn’t expect that level of intelligence from him but he surprises me with this stuff all the time. I also got him stacking cups and he is very interested in stacking them, though he doesn’t try for accuracy. Sometimes a cup gets put on top of another sideways. It’s clear what his intent is, he’s just not very good at it yet. He also loves emptying drawers and opening and closing doors. Lately he has begun putting things back in drawers, even if the thing was never in the drawer to begin with. He can also tip a cup to drink in the bathtub but frequently chokes himself on the water flow. He also clapped in response to me clapping a few days ago, it seems monkey see monkey do is in full swing.

His communication skills are getting better, though he has not broken the language barrier yet. No real words that I can discern, not even a mama or dada discriminately. I figure I’m too intuitive and he doesn’t have to communicate to use me as a tool. He’s very independent and likes to do things himself. Rather than point to something on the couch (he still doesn’t point or wave), he will just climb up me and get to it himself. He does communicate by throwing his hands up when he wants to be picked up, so there’s that. He understands when I ask something of him sometimes as well. He’s an ace at “turn the light off” in the bathroom when I hold him near it. He’s also gotten better with “give X to mama”. Only recently has he begun actually dropping the items in my hand when I hold my hand out for it. He shows signs of communication, but right now he’s just honing his gross and fine motor skills. There will be time for communication later I suppose.

We had his first party this past weekend at my father in laws house. I expected to have the party inside since they have 2 living rooms joined by a newly remodeled kitchen. In the very least in the back yard, where they have a pool and plenty of room. Nope, have the party in the garage. I insist on at least doing the cake inside. Party went well, mostly people from my husband’s family showed up. Mother in law was crazy as per usual. No more than 60 seconds after showing up she starts blubering on husband’s shoulder about her husband dying of cancer. This is not new news. It sounds harsh but she does not know how to stop making everything about her. It’s never about how her husband (who we are not close to at all) is feeling, it’s about how SHE is feeling about it. She can’t be complaining about what an awful husband he is one minute to get sympathy, and then cries about losing him to get more sympathy. It sounds so mean from the outside but trust me, I was rolling my eyes heavily at her production. Other than that the party went well. P got a lot of neat stuff, and we got plenty of pictures an memories. I don’t post a lot of pictures of him on here because you know, crazies, but here’s the one of him I posted on facebook for his birthday.

PagesIt may have taken me a while, but I am head over heels in love with my son. As difficult as being a mother is, I don’t know that I would change anything. I am enjoying life right now. I love our days together. I’m sad that he will never be this age again. He will only be 1 year once. The entire world will never love him as much as they love him now. Random strangers and old ladies will never pay him as much attention as they do now. I will always love him. I love him a little more each day. He’s amazing. He’s everything I ever hoped for when I started this blog. He was worth every penny, every tear, every moment of heartbreak, just for this. I’m so happy he is my son and I am his mom. I get it now when people lament their child growing up. He is perfect right now. I’m living in a dream. I don’t want him to stop being my little baby. But we can’t stop the march of time, so I must enjoy it while it lasts. And enjoy it I shall.

11 Months!

Tomorrow the biggest little man ever turns 11 months. We’re in the home stretch here! I haven’t even planned his party yet, it still seems so far away and yet it’s not. Oh well, on to the updates!

Those pesky teeth are practically all the way in. I thought it would be weird seeing my baby with teeth but it actually seems normal, as if they were there all along. No sign of any companion teeth though, so it looks like we’ll be heading into a year with 2 lone teeth. Better than none I suppose.

He’s still cruising quickly and crawling, but no independent steps. He will hover briefly without holding on to anything, but he drops down to his butt and doesn’t step. He also dives for things while cruising, which looks a little like proto walking. He’s getting there. I still don’t think there will be any steps before his birthday, but knowing him he might have a trick up his sleeve.

Ever since we came back from our Florida vacation I have ditched jars and purees almost entirely. P man now eats table food exclusively. I usually feed him a healthier variation on what I eat, and I try to make him a chicken breast that I cut into 2 meals. Everything gets ripped into small pieces since I don’t trust him to have a big piece that he bites smaller pieces off of. The only thing he eats that way is the Ella’s kitchen baby cookies. For some reason he’s not too bad with those and can handle large chunks. No real sign of pickiness yet, he’s a garbage disposal and eats everything I set in front of him. The kid never sends me full signals. He also drinks water from a sippy and recently began to tip it properly. He drinks from it like a champ! Unfortunately he lets some dribble out of his mouth so if I set a sippy of water out for him I have to put a bib on him until it’s gone or else his shirt gets soaked.

Our days are relaxing somewhat compared to the beginning of P’s life. He wakes up around 7:30, I breastfeed him, then he crawls around the bedroom playing with his bin of toys, nurse and breakfast at 9:30, usually yogurt, a banana, or a toddler cereal bar. Then he has a nap at 10:30, which can last 1-2 hours, which is fantastic. He gets up, nurse and lunch. Lunch can be just about anything but I’ve been doing mini cheese quesadillas, hummus, avocados, tuna, left overs, and hard boiled eggs a lot. Then we tend to go out somewhere just to get out of the house. Home around 3 or 4. Sometimes he will take a second nap on my boob for 30 or so minutes around 4, but the longer the first nap is the less likely he is to want it. Doesn’t seem to bother him staying up 8 hours until bed time. Then he gets dinner around 5:30/6, usually chicken, veggie, and side, bath a little after 7, nurse, then bed at 8, and he goes down pretty quickly. Rinse repeat every day. It works nicely for us and I’m so relieved to have a schedule that works.

P still doesn’t have any real words, but his babbling conveys emotion. It’s like he’s speaking gibberish mixed with yelling, facial expressions, and raspberries. He’s extremely silly and is full of laughs and smiles for just about everyone and everything. He recently started clapping but does not clap in response to anything specific, and does not clap to mimic my clapping. He can be yelling and fighting a diaper change and randomly start clapping. It’s meaningless at this point, but at least he has started the action. No real waves either. It’s hard to tell with that because he waggles his arms and hands around so much that it’s hard to say if he’s mimicking a wave or just playing around.

My only concerns at this point are making sure he gets nutritious meals that aren’t riddled with lots of salt and additives, taking care of his new teeth, and figuring out the introduction of whole milk, though I have another  month to worry about that.

Things with my husband are the same as they have always been, frustrating. And as usual, it almost all centers around the house. We’re at a really big crossroads right now in terms of what we want to do with our lives. We’re deciding whether we want to move to Florida or stay here. He has applied to jobs in Florida and has had phone interviews with the 2 main ones that he wants to work for. One will have a decision for him in less than a week. If they take him, we’re ditching everything and moving. If the other company takes him and offers a proper amount of money, we ditch everything and move. If neither one take him we’re staying in this god awful house until he can get it sellable….aka for-fucking-ever at the pace my husband completes thing. Ladies….is there even such a thing as a man that works quickly on things? Or keeps to a schedule/deadlines? No? I thought so. He rattled off a laundry list of things he wants to do, and all I see is cash being thrown in a black hole and probably another 2 years living here. I know that he just wants to push this house to the top of the neighborhood sales potential, but I know how crappy the housing market is. Selling a home, even one with a ton of renovations, isn’t easy. He refuses to add in the costs of his time and every little nickle and dime put into the home because he sees them as sunk costs. If you add the price of the house plus every last cent spent on renovation, I doubt we will actually profit after it sells. He will call it a success, but I know better. It’s a lot of work just to walk away with 10 grand in your pocket after all is said and done. If he is willing to throw it all away and sell it as the work in progress it is to move to Florida then why can’t he do the same right now to get me somewhere nicer? I don’t get it. I don’t think he understand that he isn’t mentally fit to work on a project the size of a house because he’s too damn scatterbrained and works on too many things at once. Renovating a home and holding a full time job + overrtime is work enough but nope, he also got completely derailed selling video games on ebay, building an arcade cabinet for a game he played twice, getting his masters degree, getting his CCNA and CCNT certifications, and building this stupid home TV network that he only recently scrapped because it never worked properly. And he thinks I’m stupid for pointing all of this out! I’m the bad guy for being completely mental and frustrated by all of this! Then he has the nerve to complain about how busy he is. He isn’t happy until he’s spread transparently thin, then cries about it. What the fuck is that about?

If the house wasn’t enough of a wedge I’m also completely tiring of the way he acts. I hate to say it but I use the term “autistic” as an insult to him for the way he acts, as in “stop acting so fucking autistic, Rain Man”. He gets in these crab ass moods where he pouts and gets moody over the smallest things and then gives 1 word answers like a damn toddler when I try to ask him to talk out what’s bugging him. When he wants to interact with me he interrupts what I’m doing and stands 2 inches from my face and stares at me. I can be playing a Mario Kart online match and he just STARES until I acknowledge him. I can’t stay calm and rational when I am being stared at and in the middle of something so I yell at him to go away, then he pouts about how I don’t want him. I want you stupid I JUST WANT YOU TO ACT LIKE AN ADULT WHO ISN’T MENTALLY HANDICAPPED. I’m touched out 110% of the time because I’m Parks’ soul caretaker, and I keep telling him that I do NOT welcome his touch. Being grabbed, smacked, patted, rubbed, all of it just bugs the shit out of me. It’s not him, he’s ME. If anyone touched me I’d feel the same way and yet he STILL DOES IT ALL THE DAMN TIME. He gives me the whiny “but I’m a man and I’m attracted to you, some men are not attracted to their wives, you should feel happy” spiel. Like I get it, men are visual creatures and get handsy and horny, but I’m an ice queen and want nothing to do with all of that since P man came along. My batteries are drained and I do not get recharged, and he just comes along and tries to empty me even more. Then doesn’t understand why I’m always on edge and crabby. “Oh I like getting you all riled up!” “I like it when you’re mad!” WHAT THE HELL! WHO SAYS THAT?! I know relationships are a 2 way street and it sounds like I’m not really giving anything and you’d be right. I really don’t. I give every last piece of me to my child because he requires all of it. There’s nothing left for my husband. It wouldn’t be that way if I had help or if I had a career and got to spread myself around but right now I have a tiny emotional parasite that is sapping my ability to be romantic and forgiving to my manchild husband. Do I love him? Yes. He’s my best friend and probably the only person who would ever put up with my flavor of BS. But he also knows the same goes for him, that I am the only one that would have him with all of his antics and flaws. We’re a good match because we’re both off sync with the rest of the world. 2 rare flowers growing in the same patch of dirt. I don’t think I could ever leave him despite all that he has put me through, all that I’ve written about and the things I keep between us. Maybe I’m stupid, but I’m smart enough to know most people could write similar passages about their relationships, especially those reaching the 10 year mark. Nearly every woman I talk to with kids has lamented the lack of help the fathers give. One woman works and her man stays home, but she’s the only one. It sounds like men just need to grow up and get with the program in general.

10 months!

Mr. P turned 10 months yesterday. His first birthday is right around the corner and my brain can’t even process that he’s not a tiny helpless baby anymore!

After reading the last post it seems that not much has changed. He still eats the same way, and I aim to have him on mostly table food by 12 months. I just love the convenience of jars, I’m such a lazy mom. I think I just struggle with what else to feed him for lunch and such. I’m such an “unhealthy” eater and I mostly graze. I may have a hotdog and some hummus with chips for lunch. Besides the hummus I can’t really share that with him. I still give him chicken breasts and veggies for dinner. I did start offering a mid morning snack of yogurt or a banana or whatever I’m having a bit of for breakfast. I’ve made a move closer to giving him everything on my plate, even if it’s not “healthy”. If I’m having fish and mac and cheese, he gets some mac and cheese too. He eats whatever is put in front of him so well that we’re not at a point where I have to worry about him rejecting everything except the childhood trifecta. Mac and cheese, chicken nuggets, and hot dogs. His nutrition is my utmost concern since he’s such a pipsqueak, I’m a little paranoid about it.

My milk supply just keeps on going down despite the fact that I’m always nursing him. I think once your cycle restarts/your kid gets solids it’s a kiss of death, especially for small breasted moms. I still pump nightly and refeed the milk the next day, but I look forward to the day I’m completely done with it. I’ll still probably nurse past 12 months, but I will quit pumping and not worry about preserving it. We will nurse for a bond, not for sustenance at that point.

He cruises very well now, and even pushes his push walkers expertly. Unfortunately I don’t think this will translate into walking anytime soon. In fact I’m skeptical he will walk before his first birthday. He seems to have such an aversion to standing alone or taking steps. He will almost never stand unassisted. If I hold him and place him in a stand, he will hover momentarily before plopping down, so he CAN do it, but he actively refuses. Most of the time when I try to place him in a stand he will go rag dolly and refuse to put weight on his legs, pushing them out to sit instead. My arms get tired of hovering him and I just quit trying. I feel like he has no incentive to walk when crawling works so well for him. He crawls, he stands, then he cruises to what he wants, then plops into a sit and repeats the process. It doesn’t help that my friend’s child who is 10 days older than P has already taken his first steps. Fuck mommy wars.

Without further ado….WE HAVE FUCKING TEETH….starting. You can finally see and feel the little white teeth poking through his gums. By next post the teeth will definitely be fully in. Naturally, P is completely miserable. He wakes in the night and wails, and has fits throughout the day where he desperately tries to rub his gums with his hand or fingers. It’s sad, because he won’t take any help! He largely ignores any cold teething rings or washcloths. All I can do is dose him with Tylenol and wait it out.

My husband and I are going on vacation for around 10 days with P. Another visit to our “second home” in Florida. His aunt is a saint and loves hosting us, but I think she likes visiting with P more 😉 Who could blame her, my son is a heart stealer.

75% Completion

Tomorrow we round the last corner into the home stretch. 9 mother….fucking….months. It seems like just yesterday I was crying about hemorrhoids the size of an unshelled peanut and huddling in a mass in the corner, afraid of my 7lb shrieking child.

The past month has been fairly blissful, possibly the best month yet. The nonsense crying was kept to a minimum but still existed. It seemed as soon as 8 months rolled around Parks mastered crawling, and with it came the freedom he has been craving since the beginning. Now that he crawls like a champ he doesn’t have time for crying!

As if mastering crawling wasn’t enough, he is also a pro at pulling to stand and transitioning from a crawl to a sit, back again, and from a crawl or sit to pull up to stand. His mobility exploded off the charts this past month. Cruising is next on the agenda for him. He does cruise, but it’s not very fast, and he certainly hasn’t mastered it yet. Since he went from nothing to clunky crawling to crawling pro in such a short time, I expect him to be proficiently cruising by next post. I also wonder if he will stand unassisted by then. Right now he has it down to 1 hand, or no hands while leaning his belly against something. I don’t expect any unassisted steps by next post despite the fact that my mother says my brother walked at 10 months. I just don’t see it happening. He can very clumsily walk with his walker, right now it tends to get away from him and he plays catch up.

STILL NO GOD DAMN TEETH. I’m so seriously angry at the lack of teeth in this kid’s mouth. It’s not even like there’s one starting to poke through, there’s no sign of teeth! He bites, raspberries constantly, still nonsense cries, tugs his ears and holds his head. Those damn teeth are in there and bothering him. JUST COME OUT ALREADY!. My grandmother thinks this means that he will get a bunch of teeth at once. I hope that isn’t the case. How sucky would that be?

Currently Parks eats both jars and table food depending on what is available. He gets boob in the morning, then a 4oz jar of fruit mixed with baby cereal for brunch after his first (and sometimes only) nap, boobs throughout the day every 2-3 hours as a snack usually with a bunch of puffs or a baby cookie, dinner around 5 consisting of another 4-6oz of food. He eats whatever I put in front of him. He’s had just about everything. I make a chicken breast for him and cut it into 2-3 days worth of shredded chicken, along with veggies and such. I just cut everything into bite sized pieces. This kid is SO food motivated. It doesn’t matter that I feed him his dinner before I eat and he’s nice and full, he still whines and tries to grab food off my plate when I eat. If he can’t get to my plate he hovers near me and gives me hungry eyes. I joke that I now have 3 animals begging for food when I eat. I’m thinking I’ll try to add a breakfast meal before his first nap, but some days he still spits up milk during that time, and I’m afraid of overfeeding him.

Current issues include his second nap and still spitting up. I dread feeding him anything orange. It never fails that he spits some of it back up and it stains my carpet and his clothes. At 9 months you’d think the spitting up would be long gone but oh no, when has Parks ever done anything by the book? Speaking of which, this kid has never been a by the book napper. He takes his first nap between 10 and 11:30 depending on when he wakes up. Sometimes he absolutely refuses a second nap and won’t sleep again until bed time at 8. You think he’d be a total crab ass by then but he usually isn’t overly crabby. Getting him to take a second crib nap depends on a lot of things, so lately I’ve been settling for him getting a few winks in while nursing. He will usually not take this second nap until 4 or 5pm. Still ends up sleeping well at 8 with minimal fussing so who knows.

Right now he is so go go go that I’m astounded he doesn’t sleep more. Mommy needs a break most of the time, and she doesn’t get it. Daddy still doesn’t bother watching the child, he’s too busy filling his plate with school and work and all sorts of other crap, making excuses as to why he shouldn’t give me a break. I feel like a single mom and it’s really affecting my desire to have more children. I refuse to have more until my husband is done with school and can dedicate time to being a family man instead of prioritizing all this other BS. It’s stressful to say the least. Most of the time I decide I’m happier by myself since all the attention he gives me is attention I don’t want. He acts so stupid, it bugs me. I realize this is a hard period, so I’m willing to work through it.

Still struggling with Diastasis Recti 9 months post postpartum. I hate the way I look at feel. I only have 4lbs of baby weight left to lose and yet my stomach is such a misshapen saggy mess. It’s depressing. I have like 0 muscle tone so everything is floppy and gross. When I wear properly fitting pants I get a big old roll of skin that hangs over when I bend. If I go the next size up the pants are falling off my ass! Even wearing shapewear doesn’t help, it just condenses my roll into a big blob. I hate this. I’m a slim ass woman, I don’t need a belly roll. It’s starting to take a toll on my back as well. With no muscle support in my abdomen my back has been picking up the slack. Since Parks is constantly on the move and the list of chores never done, I rarely get a chance to lay down and relax. Fingers crossed I get a spa day for Mother’s day. I deserve that shit.

Parks turns 8 months tomorrow, and the fact that his first birthday is 4 months away astounds me. I swear I just gave birth to him yesterday! He feels more physically mature since last post. He sits all by himself perfectly with no wobble, and even started crawling. He went from his normal shuffling and rolling to popping up on his knees and rocking, to clumsy forward crawling in a span of 2 weeks or so. He still chooses to roll to his destination a lot, but he will force himself to crawl forward as well. As if crawling wasn’t enough for one month, he also began to pull to stand. Again, super clumsy at it, but if put in a sitting position near something grabable, he will try to pull himself up on it, and usually succeed. He will also crawl over to my lap, put his hands on it and raise his butt up into a dog position. If I offer both of my hands to him he will reach for them with both hands as well, grab on, and try to stand up with my help. He’s all about standing up on those wobbly legs these days. His only problem is going from crawl to sit. Once he can master that he has unlocked all the skills necessary to autonomously get himself in any position, including a stand. He will be UNSTOPPABLE.

With crawling comes even more demands on my attention. Parks LOVES cords. Like fuck toys and games, if I left the kid with a pile of dangerous cords he would be in cloud 9. Speaking of which, WTF is up with babies and their innate draw to inanimate objects? I took Parks to a playdate with a friend and he played with a remote while the other baby played with a water bottle. They’re like cats, whatever toys you buy them are no match for a piece of garbage you forgot to pick up. He requires constant supervision, so naturally I look forward to his bed time so I can stare at the ceiling or whatever little pleasure requires no other attention. His naps vary wildly,  up to 4 hours awake and 30-90 minutes asleep. There’s really no predictability with this baby.

I still nurse, still the same old issues with supply, but things have been fairly constant. I think I can pinpoint the issue to the week of my cycle. My supply is down 7-9 days before coming back to normal. Everything I read online says “a few days” of low supply. BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. I’d kill to have only 3 days of down supply. I’m sure it depends on my nutritional state or whatever but I take my vitamins and nurse often and nothing pulls it back up until my body’s hormones get back in sync. It sucks but what can you do. I realize now why most women quit nursing. It’s bull shit! The older they get the more ADHD they get, to the point that nursing becomes an exercise in futility against a baby who’s practicing to run away to the circus. Parks nurses so distracted even if there’s nothing to distract him. He distracts himself with his need to roll at this particular moment. He also seems to nurse exclusively on the tip now and I can hear air escaping frequently. It’s like he’s trying to use my nipple as a straw. It’s annoying an uncomfortable and he refuses to eat properly these days. I just keep trying and make sure he gets his milk.

Food has been good, we’ve even started on table food. I bought him some Happy Puffs and let him feed himself. Once he demonstrated that he could eat them and not choke and die, I started giving him other small pieces of food. He now begs for food like one of the dogs. If I eat anything near him he gives me a hungry face and tries to get something off my plate. I still don’t know when I’ll make the leap off of spoon feeding. It’s comforting to know a number of ounces of solids he gets in a jar vs in the scraps of food I would be feeding him otherwise. Plus I don’t always have healthy, baby friendly options available to feed him like I do from a jar. Jars are just so convenient. He’s still developing pincer grip, he grabs items with his thumb and the side of his fingers, but not accurately. He’s definitely trying to get there and I’m sure he will in another month.

He’s still my crab assy baby, which is draining to say the least. No one understands because if he’s around other people he’s fine! When he’s stuck with me alone all day he gets so fussy and bored. I hate it because I refuse to be a human 3 ring circus for him for 12 hours a day. Being bored isn’t going to kill him. Sounds harsh but I really tend to ignore his bored cries. If he’s fed, napped, and clean, he can whine as far as I’m concerned. His consonant babbling is getting better, but he still chooses to voice a single sound with different inflections to convey his feelings. That sound is “ah”. From a long drawn out ahhhhhh to a short and quick AH he tries to get by with just that one sound. It bothers me because I’d rather him try to use different sounds rather than one sound different ways.

In other non baby related but totally blog related news, I lost my job. Yep, that job, the one I’ve been ranting and raving about since the beginning. Along with infertility, my job presented another source of misery and frustration in my life, and now it too is gone. How do I feel? Conflicted, naturally. Since I am not sure how my employer is going to react to my unemployment filing (better not fight it) I’m going to pull a Forest Gump for the time being. And that’s all I have to say about that.

Rounding the home stretch into 9 months/the last 25%, I’m optimistic. The weather will finally stop being so cold and depressing, Parks is on a fairly good routine, and he’s going to continue getting more mature. We’re planning on moving in the next year, probably back to Florida, so I have a definite out from this awful house coming. Things are finally starting to look up…

 

I can’t believe P will be 7 months tomorrow. 7 MONTHS. What the heck? I don’t think time is supposed to pass this fast.

We have started on solids, and P loves it. The problem is I really don’t know how much he should be eating. He keeps opening his mouth like a baby bird and I just keep putting some in there. He’d polish off a whole 4oz second foods jar in one meal if I let him. I usually feed him some solids around lunch time, and again for dinner. He might eat 1-1.5 jars a day. I have abandoned any sort of nursing schedule we might have had because my boobs simply do not work that way anymore. I nurse whenever I can to get precious milk into this kid’s belly. Each passing cycle seems to dip my supply lower and lower, and absolutely nothing is helping. I hope I can pilot this crashing ship safely to the ground by compensating with solids. As he gets bigger the tables will turn in favor of solids anyway, and at some point they will outweigh any milk he gets from me as a nutrition source. I think everything will work out despite my short comings. He also gets water from a straw cup, which he loves.

Developmentally he made most of his big leaps last month. He only recently began doing ma-ma-mas and ba-ba-bas, like heavily within the last week. He still does not crawl linearly but manages to traverse a room with a series of rolls and shuffles. It’s very crude, and it’s rarely precise, but he no longer stays where I put him. If I leave the room for 3 minutes he’s completely across the room getting into something. As one could imagine, this makes getting anything done a nightmare. It would be fine if he was happy exploring, but he isn’t. Lately especially he has been super grumpy for no reason. He will be all napped, clean, and have a belly full of food or milk, and immediately start grumping on the floor rolling around. It drives me insane most days because I just want to be able to get some work done. It’s not even full on crying, it’s GRUMPING. It’s a mixture of whining and groaning that absolutely nothing seems to solve. Sometimes a new room or a different toy helps, but not for long. For the 12 hours that P is awake, I barely get anything else done.

We were having issues with napping, as in he would cry and scream when I tried to put him down for most naps. This ended up being solved completely when I abandoned our 3 hour schedule that consisted of trying to get him down for a nap every 2-2.5 hours, for 3 naps total. He probably wasn’t tired, and he was likely hungry too. I ended up nixing the 3rd nap of the day because it kept creeping closer and closer to bed time. Now we have more of a 2-3-4 routine where he gets 1 nap after 2 hours, another nap 3 hours after that, then bed time 4 hours after that. Bed time is the same every day for us though, 7pm. It’s really more of a 2.5-3-5 some days. It’s not perfect, but it seems to work better than what we were doing before. Night sleep is still fairly good, but he has been waking early and crying some mornings around 5 or 6am. Truthfully, I just ignore him to see if he will go back to sleep, and most of the time he does. His night sleep also seems more restless. That or he is more vocal between sleep cycles these days.

Still no teeth, but with Mr. Grumpy being restless at night, biting everything like a mad man, and those gums getting increasingly bumpy, I believe by next blog we will have something poking through.

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