85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Posts tagged ‘3 failed iui’

Head First

Right on cue, the cosmic disappointment train pulled into station on Thursday. I knew it was coming once my false alarm tests faded out. I called in to alert my clinic and tell them that I was moving on to IVF. When the nurse confirmed I got my period she gave off an audible “awww”. My face crinkled at hearing that. Does she feel sorry for me? She said that in order to start IVF there would be tests for both my husband and I, and a consultation. I wonder what kind of tests. I know what I’m getting myself into, I mean who the hell shrugs off something like IVF. It’s not as if I woke up that morning and was like “yeah I think I want to have IVF!”.

So the consultation is on Thursday. Yeah yeah I know what’s in store. A whole “lets redo the blood work and sperm analysis” I bet. I don’t even care. I know my FSH is going to be crazy high. I has to be after 3 months of Clomid. Fuck the numbers, who cares. Just give me the drugs, I’ll stab myself as many times as it takes.

While at my weekly Wednesday meetings with my boss, I couldn’t bring myself to ask for a work from home situation. I simply stated that a lot of my recent doctors appointments have pointed to me needing an adjusted schedule, including time off for minor surgery in the near future. Then I started sniffling. Thank goodness he had tissues on his desk. I simply grabbed one and dabbed my eyes, looking down and away. It’s bad when I can’t even bring myself to barely touch on the subject without getting teary. My boss seemed empathetic, even though he has no idea why I have doctor’s appointments. I’m sure because of legal reasons he chooses not to ask. He told me some BS story that made no sense about an Amish woman getting struck by lightening. Like WTF, was that supposed to make me feel better? I hope after Thursday I’ll have an actual schedule, or some idea of one so I can finally make my request and get on the road to not being so depressed.

I decided to get back into making jewelry. What better subject matter then making a fertility bracelet? I researched gems that are said to be good for fertility, ordered genuine gemstone beads, and plan to make a charm bracelet. I haven’t made jewelry in years but I’m pretty excited to make them. Since I don’t cheap out on materials I’ll barely make a profit on each one at 35 dollars. It’s not about the profit though, it’s about helping other people in my situation.

I’m still in quite a funk. I’m excited about IVF, but pretty scared that even this will fail. What then? Either way, my life will never be the same. I’ll either have the baby of my dreams, or I’ll forever be without a biological child. So much at stake…

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