It’s amazing to think that 1 year ago lil’ P was just a cluster of furiously growing cells in my uterus. Just a ball of CELLS….clinging….to life. Fighting for his chance to survive and make a “real” baby. I didn’t even know I was pregnant, and now he’s here. And he’s 4 months old tomorrow.
So much has changed in the last year of my life that I haven’t really had a chance to reflect upon it until now. I was lucky. I can’t imagine the baby I know now not existing. I can’t imagine what his brothers or sisters who didn’t make it looked like. He was literally MADE for me. I’m sorry if this is sounding like a shibe meme or something but that’s all I can muster right now.
Since my last post, P has hit all 3 of the goals I set out for. He holds his head up 90 degrees on his tummy, we no longer swaddle, and I can get a giggle out every now and then. Unfortunately he’s a very serious baby and doesn’t give up the laughs easily. Serious baby is not amused by mommy’s shenanigans. Only motion coaxes those giggles out, and not just any motion, only motion that a snooping neighbor might call CPS on me for. Bub gives me the biggest laughs when I grab him by the wrists and swing his body around in a circle. My husband saw me lift him from the tub by his arms and asked if that was “ok”, obviously horrified. What daddy doesn’t know won’t hurt him. He still hasn’t gotten out of the fragile newborn state of mind and he’s still convinced everything can and will hurt him. He also occasionally laughs if I hold him like superman above me.
He rolled from tummy to back for the first time on October 24, and has done it sporadically since. Usually he just gives up when his arms get tired of supporting him and he cries instead of thinking about flipping over. Shortly after last post he began to pull things from his tummy to his face, like a blanket or washcloth. This has progressed into full on reaching and grabbing. He can now reach for the items on his play gym, though he’s still very clumsy at it. He can also bring the items to his mouth, but frequently misses.
I’m still breast feeding but I feel like I just don’t make enough. People like to say that small breasts can feed just as good as big ones but it’s simply not the case for me. My storage capacity tops out around 3-4 oz. Milk production tends to turn off after that point because I don’t have any more room for milk to collect. Meanwhile my huge hooter’d friends brag about getting 5oz….from a single breast. I wish I made that much. Now that P has moved to 3 hour feeds and is sleeping 12 hours a night my supply is in constant jeopardy, and his weight gain has slowed to 3oz a week from nearly 7. I don’t really know what to do. My goal is 6 months, I feel like I can do that. Nothing against formula, but I’m just frugal and would prefer not to have to shell out big bucks for it, and I’m lazy and hate cleaning bottles.
As mentioned above, P is in his crib 12 hours a night. He wakes up and moans a little from time to time but goes back to sleep, and doesn’t cry. He hasn’t cried for food since last post. I enjoy that bed time is consistent and he keeps to the routine well. I look forward to my me time every night. Sounds awful, like I hate my baby or something. Not the case at all, but he can be a huge handful during the day. There are days lately that he seems unhappy no matter what I try, and it’s exhausting carrying him and trying to keep him quiet. Not to mention that he cries for about 10 minutes every time I set him down for a nap, even if I’m hovering over the crib, patting his belly and shhhhing. I think he just hates daytime naps. He was also fighting feeds for a while, pulling off crying and screaming. Feeding him lately is a challenge to say the least. Even when he’s happy he’s terribly distracted. His favorite thing to do now is pulling off, staring at me wide eyed, and cooing. It’s freaking adorable but I know he’s hungry and he needs to eat.
I fear that he has reflux or something because he spits up a ton, is somewhat fussy all day, and has developed this horrible straining noise he makes for no reason. Like straight up red faced straining like he’s constipated but he poops just fine. I don’t get it and I wish he would stop it. He seems so uncomfortable and unhappy and I don’t know what to do to help him.
My mother still comes over weekly, and I still work from home, though I’m basically just a graphic designer now. It’s hard not having a lot of disposable cash since I still have to pay off my birth. Still living in my crappy house, but it doesn’t bother me all the time. I still want to move ASAP.
My goals for next month are continuing to sleep well, rolling from back to front at least once, some unsupported sitting, gaining 1.5lbs, laughing easier, and better control when reaching for and manipulating objects.