Today is 3dp3dt. I got the phone call from the embryologist that the 3 and 5 cell didn’t progress any farther and therefor there is no one to freeze. I expected that, really I did, but for some reason it still made me a little sad. After that phone call all those neurotic feelings started creeping back, that everyone is going to arrest after day 3 and I’ll never get a perfect day fiver. That everyone in my uterus is dead.
Terrible thoughts, I know. PUPO is something I picked up this week. Pregnant until proven otherwise. I like it. I think I’m just upset that there’s nothing left to do. Nothing I can change, no daily updates, just one more week of agony until I get that phone call that “I’m sorry, it didn’t work”….or something I’ve never experienced before, “you’re pregnant”. I have never been pregnant that I know of since this process began. No confirmed chemicals, no miscarriages, nothing. It’s depressing. My body has never been pregnant in 12 months of trying and 3 perfectly timed IUI. I’m scared I will never experience pregnancy. That my body has some sort of mechanism to prevent pregnancy forever.
I don’t like that my life can drastically change in one weeks time, either for better or for worse. It’s so messed up. Two week wait, Y U GOTTA BE SO LONG?!