85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Posts tagged ‘depression’

What then?

So I just got the call from my pharmacy. I held my breath for the cost. Of course, he waited until he listed out all my drugs to give me a cost. Looks like I’ll be getting:

Gonal F, Menopur, Ganirelix, Hcg, Valium (for the transfer, though I won’t need it), Vicodin (again, idk why but I already have a huge stash, just going to add it to it) Medrol, Folic Acid, PIO, and Doxycycline.

“You have stellar insurance. Your drugs cost about 6 grand, but your total bill is $294.53.” Hot damn! At least now all I have to worry about is fronting the money for IVF, which is about 6 grand. Insurance should pay half so I’ll be left to worry about 3 grand. That’s very doable.

Now, on with the show!


One of my co workers stormed into my office this morning. She accurately summed up exactly what’s wrong with my company.

“You know what really chaps my ass? We’re supposed to be experts in (product), know how to make (product) work for other companies, yet our (product) doesn’t even work!! How am I supposed to get anything done today?”

I’ve been saying all along that my position at this tiny company just isn’t working. I have no choice but to stay. I need money for IVF, I have no interest in working full time at another company doing the same thing, and I’m going to be working from home as soon as Friday. Why would I leave it to go sit in a cubicle at another company? So I just have to suck it up and deal with it.

The entire thing is making me wonder…what’s next? Ok, so let’s say I get pregnant this cycle. I’ll be overjoyed of course, but what then? We planned to escape to Florida to be with family that we actually enjoy, and live in a house worth living in. Happily ever after. Right?

Now that my husband is back in school, we will need to stick around for 2 years while he finishes. Ok, I could do 2 years….if we lived in a nicer house. Our house needs a ton of work still. I haven’t been in one of our bedrooms for at least a year because it’s filled with construction supplies. We have nasty wood floors that have seen better days, desperately need carpet and trim, our siding is covered in peeling paint, our concrete stairs are broken and sinking, The railroad ties lining the driveway are falling over, something was wrong with the way my husband redid the upstairs bathroom because it leaks into the basement every time someone takes a shower, the basement is a complete pig stye filled with my husband’s game reselling business and endless piles of construction supplies in the laundry room. Get the picture? It’s hardly the clean, picturesque house I pictured raising a family in. I tried to tell my husband that A) Fixing it up to sell it is stupid because the neighborhood can only hold so much value and we’re basically just giving away free money that we don’t have. B) Someone will buy it in the condition it’s in, we sure did. and C) We don’t have the money or time to fix it to the state that he feels it will be sellable. It’s easier to throw it to the wolves and accept less for it than gamble with money we DON’T HAVE AND WON’T HAVE BECAUSE WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A CHILD. While he’s an excellent husband and provider, when it comes to the house he treats me like I have no idea what I’m talking about. Mark my words, I’ll be trapped in that stupid house that I didn’t want forever. Also I’m not really cool with my parents, and I KNOW everyone is going to force their way into my bubble to visit “their grandbaby”. I honestly don’t want them to come see the baby at all. Moving to Florida would keep them away from me while allowing me to raise my child around a not insane family unit that I enjoy spending time with.

Ok, so lets say I have a child, and I do get the perfect house I want. What if I hate my child? As stupid as it sounds, it’s a real fear! While laying awake the night before my parents came to visit I googled around for “is it normal to hate your family” and got a lot of posts about people feeling guilty for not liking their children. Just as I don’t like my parents for my own reasons, people do in fact grow to dislike their kids! No one wanted to hate their kids, but they didn’t turn out as expected. I can be a pretty cold and hateful person, so it scared me to think that I have the capacity to dislike my own children. Plus what if I have a child that looks and acts just like my brother. My mom did! My brother is the spitting image of my late uncle. Right down to the lanky look and social awkwardness. My first friend to get pregnant in high school ended up having a child that, in my opinion, looks very similar to her brother. Neither her nor her baby daddy wore glasses but her child does. So does her brother. I would absolutely scream if I had a baby like my brother.

So that gets me thinking. What if cosmos knows this? What if cosmos knows I’d be miserable every day raising a child like that, or what if cosmos knows I’d be destined to have some sort of mentally handicapped child? Another type I would not be able to emotionally handle. What if cosmos is just sparing me the pain and making it so I can’t have one at all? What if?

Ok, so what if I get pregnant, have the perfect house, and the child I always dreamed of. What then? What am I going to do with my life then? I already know I can’t do daycare, so it’s not like I can work for a while. Living on one income will be hard. I still have no idea what I want to DO with my life and where I want my career to go or not go. I’m not sure I want to work full time. I’ve said plenty of times I’m just vehemently against the stupid archaic 40 hour work week, 30 is more my speed. It’s hard to find those rare jobs and companies that “get it”. If I get to a point where I want to work close to full time, what am I going to do to make sure I don’t fall back into a job I hate? it’s all so scary.

I guess I hope life just falls into place and I get everything I always dreamed of. The infinite unknown drives me insane. There is absolutely no way of predicting the future or planning out what’s going to happen because life doesn’t lend itself to planning. I just have to trust that this is going to work. It’s scary, plain and simple. I’m scared.

Let’s See

My clinic randomly called me the other day to discuss IVF costs. I wasn’t expecting this phone call, I figured it would be handled Thursday or some time after. The woman on the other side of the phone must have been the clinic insurance guru. She began to tell me about what my plan looked like it would cover. Unlimited IUI and 3 IVF. That doesn’t seem right I told her. I thought it used to be 3 of each, and has since been changed to 3 total of either/or. She said she would call them and get back to me. I didn’t submit my IUI to the insurance because if they’re only going to cover 3 of something, why waste it on IUI when IVF is far less affordable out of pocket? Insurance, WTF? Y U No cover both?

She called me back promptly, apologizing, and told me I was correct. That it was a good thing I chose not to submit them. Score one for me on being super anal about understanding my policy. Though it would have been nice to get back some of that IUI money. She then decided to rattle off costs:

  • Baseline IUI with no ICSI – 4,000
  • ICSI – 1,500
  • Assisted hatching – 500
  • Embryos on ice – 600 a year up front
  • Meds – ??

I guess my insurance typically covers 50%, but will not cover lab costs or anesthesia? Wonder how much extra that will be. Who knows how much meds will end up costing. The worst part is I have to pay it all up front. Looks like it’s small loan for me! My clinic doesn’t need to know off the bat if I want to go with ICSI for the first cycle, they typically let it go au natural and convert it if it’s not going well. We have no indication about how well my husbands sperm can penetrate anything. For all we know his sperm have been champion swimmers and penetrated the eggs fine, only to not fertilize or implant. I still feel like blaming myself. I might feel a little bit better seeing that his sperm can’t penetrate my eggs. It will give me the ultimate “so THAT’S what the problem has been” feeling. ICSI will fix that and bada bing bada boom…baby. If they put his sperm with my eggs and they go in and fertilize fine, I’m going to have an “uh oh” moment. That either means his sperm could never reach the egg, or that we’ve been fertilizing all along and they never stick. I’ll feel terrible if we throw perfectly good embies into my uterus only for it to give them the cold shoulder and leave them to die. Freaking uterus. Bitch.

My husband switched back to to 4, 10 hour shifts (lets be real, he’s gone 12 hours a day) with his promotion, so for 4 days a week I rarely see him. It makes me sad because we used to go on after dinner adventures that we can’t really do anymore. He gets 3 days off now. I’m trying to swing a work from home gig with my boss, which will A) Make me less stressed, B) Give me proper time to work on my other gig for husband’s family’s website, C) Give me more time with my husband on his days off. I was going to ask him today if I could start working from home but he ended up calling in quickly to do a phone meeting. I didn’t feel right discussing that over the phone. He asked if I had any word on when I would need to be out “for surgery”, IE for egg retrieval. I told him I didn’t know yet, but I would be out all day tomorrow for appointments (I only have one but I wanted a whole day) and we both agreed that maybe we could meet Friday to discuss. I hope he goes for it, I really do. Even if I do a half office/half home every day situation it would be light years better than what I do now. I think he will be receptive to it, though part of me thinks he will get mad and dismiss it….and me. I don’t think he has much of a choice though. You can’t fire someone with a need for medical leave/adjusted schedule without finding a way to make reasonable accommodations. The same amount of work will get done, and without the added stress of being in a windowless office 7 hours a day I’ll be a better worker. It’s totally win win for everyone.

I’ve been feeling slightly less sad lately. Normally I find some reason to get teary every day. I haven’t cried for 2 WHOLE DAYS! That’s a new record. I think between the second job bringing in much needed income and the prospect of working from home, it just makes me happy. Maybe not happy, but less worried. It’s a start.

Clomid Crazies

I’ve noticed there is some truth to the emotional side effects of clomid. This round I was extremely irritable and angry. While I’m on it I’m just in a perpetual bad mood. It seems like the only time I’m not feeling 100% crazy these days is during the 2ww. And that’s only because the crazy is being fought off with a small ray of hope. A ray that just keeps getting swallowed up by the grey storm clouds of depression and defeat.

I have my CD12 ultrasound tomorrow, and if all looks well my trigger too. Then CD13/14 IUIs. I honestly can’t even say I’m excited. I know the outcome, it’s going to be negative. It’s always negative. It’s never not negative. At this point there are 3 issues that I’m betting are keeping me from getting pregnant. Either my husbands sperm are so bad they can’t penetrate the egg, my eggs are so bad they can’t be penetrated and/or mature or 3 my lining or the eggs themselves are not conducive to sticking and allowing the egg to grow. That’s it. We know I produce eggs, we know my husband has plenty of sperm, we know they’re alive, we know my tubes are clear, WHY CAN’T THEY JUST COMBINE AND GROW?! It’s 2012 for crap sake, why isn’t there technology to capture exactly what is going on with sperm and eggs inside a woman’s body? It’s LITERALLY just “put the sperm in and if it’s positive great, if not let’s just bang on our chests a little more and throw a bone in the air because we have no idea unless we take the eggs and sperm outside the body”. Come on now, that’s awful. Even in IVF they literally just shoot the fertilized eggs in and HOPE THEY STICK. Again, mentally, I just can not handle this, it’s not acceptable.

Even when I’m not on clomid I’m just teetering on the edge of sanity. It doesn’t take much to set me off into a downward spiral of depression and anxiety. I’m frustrated. There’s only so much shit someone can take and expect to have a healthy mental state. I know I have a habit of freaking out about things that end up just fine. I mean look at this blog, I freaked out about my HSG forever and it turned out to be pain free. But I don’t think it’s fair to compare something like being scared of being in pain for 5 minutes, and being scared you will die without leaving behind a legacy. Ask any young woman who hasn’t started actively trying what she would do if she found out she couldn’t have kids. She’d probably have to choke back tears and wail about how the only thing she’s ever wanted to be was a mother. Basically, that is the hell that is my life at the moment. I can’t be happy in the present knowing what doom the future could hold. It all boils down to what I will do if in 4+ months if I’m not pregnant. The health insurance will be up and any future attempts will be at my own expense. I’m fairly sure I don’t want to adopt. I just can’t do it.

I’m just not sure I can face a future where I have no children. I’m not sure I want to be a part of that future. And it hurts to type that. Why me?

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