85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

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More dreams?

It happened again! More children dreams!

Except this time it was sons, and I had 3 of them. One was approximately 5 and the other 2 were under 3, and appeared to be twins. My brain told me these were my children this time. I remember all 3 of them sitting in the back seat of some non descript car and the 5 year old was saying some very humorous things. I wish I could remember the exact phrase but it was something like “I thought I was going to have a gold record by now but that was back when I was 2 and thought I was a genius”. Doesn’t make much sense but the entire conversation with this child was trying to paint him as astute and intelligent beyond his years. I liked it, I always fancy one of my children will be this way because it’s exactly how I was. The 2 twins said nothing. I remember thinking they looked sort of ugly, like they had pug faces or something with huge cheeks and tiny noses. I figured “well maybe they’ll be handsome as they grow up”. Whenever I have a dream that involves children they all typically follow the same plot line. Children are just there, brain back fills in “oh these must be yours” and dream me says “Oh I guess so huh, makes perfect sense I have a 3 year old out of no where, guess I just forgot!” I usually feel confused, and this dream was no different. That’s what made the dream I wrote about yesterday so different, I wasn’t confused, I felt real love.

That was a brief dream, one of many last night. Another involved renewing my vows with my husband, since we will have been married 5 years in September. I was wearing a big poofy wedding dress and felt pretty happy. My husband looked uncharacteristically smiley and we kissed and had some warm hugs. That was that, I love feeling happy in dreams.

Then the last part of the dream morphed into me being an extra in a Star Wars movie, complete in some sort of drab garment because we were on one of those simple planets. My job was just to walk across this bridge in the background. That was it. Where in the world did such an odd idea come from?

I’m not sure what my brain is doing lately. During the day it must be poisoned with my own doubts and depression. Maybe this is its way of repairing itself and giving me a dose of medicine. Brain is all like “stop feeling like shit all day, I’m going to dream children for you and make you finally feel happy, if only for a few minutes”. And I’m all like “Good looking out, brain”. My brain is like the matrix, lol. Maybe I’ll have another children dream tomorrow! Wouldn’t that be something? I’ve never had so many at one time, I rarely have children dreams but since this whole process started they’ve been slowly cropping up. It’s not hard to see what is weighing on my mind the most lately!

Had a dream last night…

I think it had to do with an inner fear of being judged that I’m sure every parent has. I was with a small boy child, that my mind placed at either 1-4 years old, but visually he appeared to be at least 4. I only saw him from the back, standing in front of me. We were at the pediatrician’s office and it was time for some shots. He was screaming and being generally loud, to the point that the entire clinic could hear. I felt extremely self conscious, that my child was causing a disruption and people would wonder why I couldn’t keep my kid quiet. Part of me wanted to resort to a spanking, no idea where that came from. I quickly realized it was stupid to feel self conscious. We’re at a doctors office, a young child is getting shots, and he’s scared. He has every right to be afraid and cry, it comes with the territory. I knelt down and asked him where my big brave boy had gone. I don’t see my big brave boy anywhere, doctor, do you see where my big brave boy went? Big brave boys get their shots, even though they hurt, because they make him strong and healthy. The boy stopped crying, and that’s when I woke up.

Hmm, the first of many parenting dreams? I have a huge fear of being a terrible parent. Lazy, inattentive, over critical, not being able to control bad behavior, everything you can think of. I have 3 dogs and I like to think they’re well behaved. I can get barking spells under control quite quickly, even when they’re in the back yard and the neighborhood dogs are out and making a fuss. The problem is, dogs don’t understand English, you can’t reason with them. I admit I’ve trained my dogs through well placed cracks on the behind from time to time. I don’t believe you have to do the same with children. Raising kids and raising dogs are 2 different things…..right? I’m afraid I’ll resort to the same “training” methods with children. How terrible would that be?

I was raised in a spanking household and I believe it contributes to my current situation of not being terribly close with my parents. Spankings were handed out for accidents like spilling milk or dropping a plate. I was verbally assaulted and backed into a corner for getting a speeding ticket when I was 16. You can’t train accidents out of people, everyone makes mistakes. I respond to logic and reason, not violence and yelling. I believe children are the same. I don’t want to live in a world of “because I said sos”. Did I turn out ok? Sure. I’m the only one of my close female friends to have any college degree (most never attempted to go or got pregnant and dropped out).  Not coincidentally, I’m the only one with a house. I think I have a pretty good life, all things considered. However, I’m sure I would have turned out the same sans the spanking.

Look at me, doling out parenting advice and I can’t even get pregnant. Silly me. I should shut up now.

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