I hope the Clomid is working, it certainly feels like it’s doing something. I haven’t had any hot flashes or mood swings, but I’m feeling very aware of my ovaries today, CD 8. I hope I don’t ovulate early or anything, my next appointment is CD12. I’m not sure when the IUI gets done after that, I guess it depends on how my follies look. If I normally ovulate on CD14, then when do I get a trigger? Why trigger at all? I got my HCG in the mail, the doctors will shoot me with it when it comes time. Again, I really wonder what the use is in my case. It doesn’t cause immediate ovulation, and if I get it on CD13 and I was probably going to O on 14 anyway then why bother? Does that mean they’ll aim to do the IUI on 13 or 14? Groan. Not to mention it won’t be my doctor I meet with on CD12, it will be a male doctor I’ve never met because mine is not in office that day.
I got my prescription on CD4 along with my baseline ultrasound. My doctor just walked in while half heartedly knocking, I mean really, she’s going to look at my vag anyway why bother with formalities. Just stay in the room, hell just let me come into the office not wearing any pants at all, they’re just going to come off anyway! The wand didn’t hurt this time, although after enough appointments I can confirm my doctor does NOT have a light touch. When she’s putting something in your vagina, you’re going to know it. I think maybe my ovaries were just sensitive last time. The only issue this time was how damn cold the gel was. She said everything looked good for a baseline. I took a picture of the ultrasound screen for posterity. When I first walked into the room the last images taken were still on the screen. They were of a pretty obvious looking fetus with a heart rate of 169. I wondered for a moment what it would be like for that picture to be mine. I can only hope to gaze upon that miracle one day.
In the mean time my motherly instincts are poisoning me without a proper outlet. I raised 3 dogs from puppies and my 27 year old husband is practically like having a child (seriously, I had to yell at him to clean his room). You’d think I would have enough outlets to feel fulfilled. Nahhh of course not! My husband and I kicked around the idea of getting a cat for years now. Only recently did it hone down to “we want a Russian Blue kitten that we can name (Russian name)”. Usually when it gets to the point that we have a name picked out, it starts to become reality. Unfortunately Russian Blue kittens are hard to come by and there are no breeders in the area, so I would settle for a mix. I got an email from petfinder that a new russian blue kitten had been listed nearby. He was picture perfect. I promptly filled out an application and ditched working an afternoon to drive an hour to a nearby county’s humane society. I played with him for about a half hour before knowing I I needed him. A few minutes of chatting with the employee in charge and he was officially mine. He comes home next Weds after being neutered. I’m pretty excited, raising a 4 month old kitten through the next 6 months of fertility treatments will definitely help keep me sane.
I always complain about my job, but things have finally reached the tipping point. I had my yearly evaluation (my first) yesterday, My boss and I both knew I was not performing up to snuff, but he understood he promoted someone with no experience into the role and wasn’t expecting me to be perfect. At least he thought the work I was capable of doing was of good quality. He handed me a job description for my role, which didn’t exist when he made it up and promoted me to it. He’s requiring someone hired from the outside to have 3 years of b2b marketing experience and prefers someone with a masters. Well YEAH, that’s exactly what you need! You can’t expect the new college grad you hired in specifically to manage sending email blasts and website updates to magically be able to do the same job as a seasoned professional with ABSOLUTELY NO TRAINING. In short, I was set up to fail, but my boss isn’t blaming me for it. He wants to help me grow into this role….if it’s what I want. I don’t understand how he could do that considering he doesn’t know anything about marketing or how to train a greenhorn. It’s just not going to work out, I’m smart enough to understand this. I’m not going to keep torturing myself to bring home a paycheck, plus I’d be stupid if I thought he wasn’t already searching for a replacement. I’m not good with speaking, at all. I’m going to put my thoughts into a written letter and give it to him. I’m going to explain how I feel and try to have him accept me stepping down to my old role. This could go south. I think he thinks a shiny new marketing person is going to have the patience to redo website graphics, learn html, make email templates, stuff most people in director level jobs have other people do for them because it isn’t truly a marketing task. I want to be that other person. I could just stay here and keep faking it, but I don’t think he will have the patience for it come next evaluation. I hope he allows me to step down into my old job to allow for a better person to be his director. If not then I guess I get to be broke for a while. Such is the risk I take. I’m too young to be in a job that just doesn’t fit, no matter how much you want it to.