85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Posts tagged ‘infertility’

Too Close For Comfort

I’ve been terribly exhausted the last 3 days. Not tired enough to fall asleep, but not enough energy to really get anything done. My parents forced their way over for a visit, along with my forever alone 27 year old brother who still lives with them. They took us out to eat and left. I honestly just wanted to sleep, sleeping would have been more productive.

I know I should feel something for my family, but I just don’t. I grew up into my own independent person. I see them as some people I happen to know and don’t really have anything in common with, and certainly don’t “love” or have any real compassion for. It feels bad to feel that way but I can’t change the past. I don’t feel I was raised correctly at all. The fact that my brother has no friends and has never had a girl friend should be indicative of the kind of hazardous upbringing we had. Normal people don’t turn out this way…

My CD3 appointment was this morning. Getting out of bed was quite the hassle, who makes morning appointments anyway? The waiting room was crowded, and I waited a half hour for a simple 1 vial blood draw and my birth control prescription. The nurse this time actually let me choose which arm to take the blood from, a first! I gladly gave her my left, which has perfect veins and never hurts.

By the time I left it was 9:30, and the pharmacy didn’t open until 10. I just went home and laid down, no success in falling back asleep. I decided to get back up an hour later and go run some errands. I also planned on calling my clinic because I completely forgot to ask about my protocol. I had no idea how long I’d be on pills, when to get my meds, what’s next, etc. We’re planning to visit Florida the last week in October, and the IVF is going to run right down to the wire with that.

Out of the blue while driving around I get a phone call from….my clinic! It was the IVF nurse asking if I had filed my prescription yet. I said no, which made her happy. She was switching me to progestin only pills because of my clotting disorder. She would call it in for me, and I was fine with that. I asked her about my protocol, to which she explained that the next step would be on the 20th to sign my release forms, and she would call in and order my meds with the pharmacy that handles their IVF meds and have them shipped to me, same as the HCG shots I had been getting. It looks like I’ll have the 5 day transfer at the latest just days before leaving for my trip. I should still be able to go! Hurray!

So I guess there’s nothing really going on for the next 18 days besides waiting for a random call from the pharmacy demanding some monies I don’t have. That will be fun…

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Brace Yourselves….

This is how I feel going on Facebook this morning. I find out that a girl I used to work with, who has been in a relationship for probably 6 months, doesn’t live with the guy at all…..OMG U GUYZ I’M EXPECTING A BABY BOY…..wat?

One of my friends that I also used to work with, in the same circle of friends as the girl above (I mentioned her near the start of my blog, the friend who was going to try for #2 in August and I wanted to beat her) is being very coy about the fact that she’s pregnant. I know it, everyone knows it, but she refuses to make it official.
COME ON cosmos. Why so many freaking babies? Why people who don’t deserve them at all? People who literally shrugged their shoulders and said yeah why not let’s try and POOF, bountiful womb. People that will never know what it’s like to stab themselves daily with expensive medication with the HOPE not guarantee of a healthy baby. I just…don’t…get it. I can’t process it.

Another one bites the dust. Another friend blocked from my feed indefinitely. Pretty soon there will be no women left. In an attempt to feel smug and better then them, at least I have a house and…gasp… A HUSBAND WITH A GOOD JOB. Doesn’t matter how you slice it, my life is a step above theirs. Only thing missing is the one thing I envy about them. Not fair.

Synchronizing

It’s Monday and yippee, my vagina rage fest has cooled down to normal ranges. That’s about the only thing to be happy about.

My OPKs went positive around CD14 or 15, and I expected a temp shift to follow. My tests have not really faded back down to nothing, they are not way darker than the control line like they typically are the day before O, but they have gone down to equal to control line darkness. Still technically positive. For the past 2 days my alarm did not wake me to take my temps for some reason. I was finally able to get a temp taken this morning. I expected 98.4 ish, a typical post O temp reading. I got 97.9. That can’t be right. I took it again…97.8. Pre O temps! It would seem I never ovulated. Fertility Friend seems to think I ovulated on CD13, which doesn’t really fit with what a normal cycle looks like for me, nor does it fit with OPK data. My coverline used to be that low last year…but has since moved up to the 98/98.1 range.

 

Meanwhile here is a typical chart from last month.

I know my body better than a computer. Something is up. I’m pretty sure I didn’t ovulate. Could it be from the diflucan I wonder? Could I have a cyst? I’ve never had this issue before. I guess we’ll find out when I truly did O when AF comes. If it comes.

I finally made my charm bracelets. I wish I would have ordered larger beads but overall I think they turned out well. After all is said and done I really won’t make too much off of each one. I put them up on my ebay for all to enjoy.

Now all I can do is wait for AF, that’s it. What a boring waiting game.

7 Year Itch

Ok ok, it’s only been 3 days but it feels like 7 years.

So last post I had my Sono, all was well with that. I was set to ovulate practically any day and wasn’t about to give up this cycle so I did what any woman would do in my shoes, fill her vagina with semen! Tuesday night I got such a parcel delivered and felt content about it, and fell asleep. I awoke the next morning, did what I had to do on the toilet, flowback is a go….and…dafuq? As soon as it comes rushing out I feel strangely itchy and irritated. I tried to brush it off and continued on to work. My pants rubbed on me, which was not pleasant. It would seem I’ve somehow contracted an overnight yeast infection! From semen!

Well to be fair it could be 3 things. I deliberately didn’t fill my prophylactic antibiotic prescription for the sono because I DIDN’T want to get an antibiotic caused yeast infection. I took a single ammoxicylin I had laying around the day of the procedure and that was it. There’s the semen, which has never given me that reaction before, and then there’s the fact that this is my first natural cycle in 3 months and my hormones are super wacky. I’m very prone to hormonal yeast infections. Who dun it?!

That night when I got home from work I popped in a spare treatment suppository. I usually only need to take day 1 of a 3 day to feel relief, which is why a 3 day can last me a whole year. I awake the next morning and….it hasn’t stopped. In fact it may have gotten worse. Hell hath no fury like a lady with a raging vag infection. My infections tend to not include the cottage cheese discharge normally attributed to yeast. They’re usually intense itching and swelling only. I could take it no longer and called up my doctor, who was nice enough to phone in a diflucan for me. I couldn’t get to the pharmacy fast enough. I popped that diflucan and waited. In the mean time I discovered the unbridled joy an ice pack can bring up in your sniz. Genius.

 I ended up getting some monistat hydrocortizone cream. I’m not sure how well it works since I applied it right before bed and it didn’t seem to do much. When I got up this morning it seemed far better. It’s still not cured, but it’s overall not as itchy. Although since I started writing this there has been an itchy spot paining me. The swelling has gone down too. I still feel as though the happiest place I could be right now is Antarctica, dragging my hind quarters over an iceberg leaving a cartoonish steam trail and a groove in the ice. God I hate this feeling. Though most ladies have been here or will be, most don’t get them quite as often as I do. I blame you, hormones!

So now I get to spend my weekend with ice on my sniz, hoping to feel better by Monday. My OPKs turned ridiculously positive on CD14, they’ve remained just as dark over the past 2 days. This is not really normal for me. My temp dipped today so I haven’t released an egg yet. I’m sure my chart will spike tomorrow. Either way, it’s like the cosmos is cock blocking me, quite literally. It WANTS me to do IVF. Absolutely can’t get pregnant this cycle, nope, cosmos forbid. Of course I can’t have sex or even think about putting more semen in me, it feels like a raging bitch fest down there! COSMOS Y U COCK BLOCK ME?!

 

Lion heart

I had my sonohysterogram yesterday. The entire thing made me feel like such a bad ass bitch and I realized how far I’ve come. Back before my HSG I was terrified of having anyone do anything to my uterus. I went into my appointment all cool calm and collected, was given a pee test, and sent into my room to wait. I hopped up onto the table with a Cosmo and waited for my doctor.

After forever she finally came in, med student in tow. Not sure if I’ve met this one before, there’s too many to keep track of. I briefly put my magazine down to shuffle to the end of the table so my doctor could have access. I resumed reading my Cosmo as my doctor started. Speculum was the worst part, as always. In this case I was sore to begin with (thank my husband) but it didn’t hurt as much as I anticipated. She mentioned having trouble getting through the cervix, to which I mentioned “have fun with that”. The med student laughed and commented on how awesome I am, just laying there reading a Cosmo like it’s nothing. I told her I was one of the rare lucky ones where this stuff doesn’t hurt me.  My doctor finally got through and swapped the speculum for an ultrasound wand. Med student began pumping a syringe of saline into my uterus. The monitor was turned away from me. “I wanna seeeeeee” I whined. She pushed the monitor so we could both see. I watched my uterus fill up like a balloon as my my doctor told the student to push harder. “Go uterus go!” I cheered. My doctor happily echoed my cheer. She took some screen grabs and everything was done. After a rush of saline I was told all looked good. No polyps or odd growths in my uterus. Huzzah!

She left a picture of my uterus up on screen so I snagged a picture. It’s no so much bicornuate like originally thought, more arcuate, meaning just a dip at the top instead of a straight line. She said it’s not bad enough to need fixing. Not sure what the dot in in the middle since I don’t think that was originally on the screen when I took the picture, weird. But there it is, my heart shaped uterus! It’s kind of cute right?

Image

Next stop is the group orientation thing tomorrow night, then a lot of nothing.

Let’s See

My clinic randomly called me the other day to discuss IVF costs. I wasn’t expecting this phone call, I figured it would be handled Thursday or some time after. The woman on the other side of the phone must have been the clinic insurance guru. She began to tell me about what my plan looked like it would cover. Unlimited IUI and 3 IVF. That doesn’t seem right I told her. I thought it used to be 3 of each, and has since been changed to 3 total of either/or. She said she would call them and get back to me. I didn’t submit my IUI to the insurance because if they’re only going to cover 3 of something, why waste it on IUI when IVF is far less affordable out of pocket? Insurance, WTF? Y U No cover both?

She called me back promptly, apologizing, and told me I was correct. That it was a good thing I chose not to submit them. Score one for me on being super anal about understanding my policy. Though it would have been nice to get back some of that IUI money. She then decided to rattle off costs:

  • Baseline IUI with no ICSI – 4,000
  • ICSI – 1,500
  • Assisted hatching – 500
  • Embryos on ice – 600 a year up front
  • Meds – ??

I guess my insurance typically covers 50%, but will not cover lab costs or anesthesia? Wonder how much extra that will be. Who knows how much meds will end up costing. The worst part is I have to pay it all up front. Looks like it’s small loan for me! My clinic doesn’t need to know off the bat if I want to go with ICSI for the first cycle, they typically let it go au natural and convert it if it’s not going well. We have no indication about how well my husbands sperm can penetrate anything. For all we know his sperm have been champion swimmers and penetrated the eggs fine, only to not fertilize or implant. I still feel like blaming myself. I might feel a little bit better seeing that his sperm can’t penetrate my eggs. It will give me the ultimate “so THAT’S what the problem has been” feeling. ICSI will fix that and bada bing bada boom…baby. If they put his sperm with my eggs and they go in and fertilize fine, I’m going to have an “uh oh” moment. That either means his sperm could never reach the egg, or that we’ve been fertilizing all along and they never stick. I’ll feel terrible if we throw perfectly good embies into my uterus only for it to give them the cold shoulder and leave them to die. Freaking uterus. Bitch.

My husband switched back to to 4, 10 hour shifts (lets be real, he’s gone 12 hours a day) with his promotion, so for 4 days a week I rarely see him. It makes me sad because we used to go on after dinner adventures that we can’t really do anymore. He gets 3 days off now. I’m trying to swing a work from home gig with my boss, which will A) Make me less stressed, B) Give me proper time to work on my other gig for husband’s family’s website, C) Give me more time with my husband on his days off. I was going to ask him today if I could start working from home but he ended up calling in quickly to do a phone meeting. I didn’t feel right discussing that over the phone. He asked if I had any word on when I would need to be out “for surgery”, IE for egg retrieval. I told him I didn’t know yet, but I would be out all day tomorrow for appointments (I only have one but I wanted a whole day) and we both agreed that maybe we could meet Friday to discuss. I hope he goes for it, I really do. Even if I do a half office/half home every day situation it would be light years better than what I do now. I think he will be receptive to it, though part of me thinks he will get mad and dismiss it….and me. I don’t think he has much of a choice though. You can’t fire someone with a need for medical leave/adjusted schedule without finding a way to make reasonable accommodations. The same amount of work will get done, and without the added stress of being in a windowless office 7 hours a day I’ll be a better worker. It’s totally win win for everyone.

I’ve been feeling slightly less sad lately. Normally I find some reason to get teary every day. I haven’t cried for 2 WHOLE DAYS! That’s a new record. I think between the second job bringing in much needed income and the prospect of working from home, it just makes me happy. Maybe not happy, but less worried. It’s a start.

Teetering precariously

9dpo/10dpt today, still getting visible positives. They are progressing down, but not very quickly like last month. This time last month I stopped my progesterone 10dpo because the lines were ghost lines. If this keeps progressing down then why would the trigger test out faster one month? I HATE TRIGGERS! Gah! What I would give for one darker test because then you KNOW that shit isn’t an accident. I feel very full and my ovaries feel tender. I’m guessing it’s all just a ruse and I’m not pregnant. Probably just cysts. Little fluid filled bastards just sitting on my ovaries, mocking me.

I have mad cravings for Taco Bell. I have no idea why but it’s like I have no choice to drive myself to TB and get food. I went yesterday, and it was everything I could hope for and more. Now brain wants it again today. Probably going to give in. My throat is mucusy and gross from being ill earlier in the week and spicy food helps clear me out. Plus if a couple of bucks is all it takes to make my brain shut off and be happy for a few hours then it’s more than worth it. I’m petite, so whatevs. TGIF.

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