85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Posts tagged ‘IUI’

Teetering precariously

9dpo/10dpt today, still getting visible positives. They are progressing down, but not very quickly like last month. This time last month I stopped my progesterone 10dpo because the lines were ghost lines. If this keeps progressing down then why would the trigger test out faster one month? I HATE TRIGGERS! Gah! What I would give for one darker test because then you KNOW that shit isn’t an accident. I feel very full and my ovaries feel tender. I’m guessing it’s all just a ruse and I’m not pregnant. Probably just cysts. Little fluid filled bastards just sitting on my ovaries, mocking me.

I have mad cravings for Taco Bell. I have no idea why but it’s like I have no choice to drive myself to TB and get food. I went yesterday, and it was everything I could hope for and more. Now brain wants it again today. Probably going to give in. My throat is mucusy and gross from being ill earlier in the week and spicy food helps clear me out. Plus if a couple of bucks is all it takes to make my brain shut off and be happy for a few hours then it’s more than worth it. I’m petite, so whatevs. TGIF.

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Clomid Crazies

I’ve noticed there is some truth to the emotional side effects of clomid. This round I was extremely irritable and angry. While I’m on it I’m just in a perpetual bad mood. It seems like the only time I’m not feeling 100% crazy these days is during the 2ww. And that’s only because the crazy is being fought off with a small ray of hope. A ray that just keeps getting swallowed up by the grey storm clouds of depression and defeat.

I have my CD12 ultrasound tomorrow, and if all looks well my trigger too. Then CD13/14 IUIs. I honestly can’t even say I’m excited. I know the outcome, it’s going to be negative. It’s always negative. It’s never not negative. At this point there are 3 issues that I’m betting are keeping me from getting pregnant. Either my husbands sperm are so bad they can’t penetrate the egg, my eggs are so bad they can’t be penetrated and/or mature or 3 my lining or the eggs themselves are not conducive to sticking and allowing the egg to grow. That’s it. We know I produce eggs, we know my husband has plenty of sperm, we know they’re alive, we know my tubes are clear, WHY CAN’T THEY JUST COMBINE AND GROW?! It’s 2012 for crap sake, why isn’t there technology to capture exactly what is going on with sperm and eggs inside a woman’s body? It’s LITERALLY just “put the sperm in and if it’s positive great, if not let’s just bang on our chests a little more and throw a bone in the air because we have no idea unless we take the eggs and sperm outside the body”. Come on now, that’s awful. Even in IVF they literally just shoot the fertilized eggs in and HOPE THEY STICK. Again, mentally, I just can not handle this, it’s not acceptable.

Even when I’m not on clomid I’m just teetering on the edge of sanity. It doesn’t take much to set me off into a downward spiral of depression and anxiety. I’m frustrated. There’s only so much shit someone can take and expect to have a healthy mental state. I know I have a habit of freaking out about things that end up just fine. I mean look at this blog, I freaked out about my HSG forever and it turned out to be pain free. But I don’t think it’s fair to compare something like being scared of being in pain for 5 minutes, and being scared you will die without leaving behind a legacy. Ask any young woman who hasn’t started actively trying what she would do if she found out she couldn’t have kids. She’d probably have to choke back tears and wail about how the only thing she’s ever wanted to be was a mother. Basically, that is the hell that is my life at the moment. I can’t be happy in the present knowing what doom the future could hold. It all boils down to what I will do if in 4+ months if I’m not pregnant. The health insurance will be up and any future attempts will be at my own expense. I’m fairly sure I don’t want to adopt. I just can’t do it.

I’m just not sure I can face a future where I have no children. I’m not sure I want to be a part of that future. And it hurts to type that. Why me?

Maturity

I had my CD12 follow up ultrasound today to check on my follicle growth. I waited forever in an entirely different ultrasound room waiting for my replacement doctor, since mine was not in today. After an eternity of my ass flapping in the breeze, he decided to show up. Nice enough guy, makes small talk unlike my doctor who gets right down to business. He was FAR more gentle with the ultrasound wand though, I’ll give him that.

He kept me updated on what he was looking for, and proudly told me I had 2 mature follicles on my left side, and a third smaller one. Right side was quiet. I asked how big and he said 2cm. Woop woop! Nothing like knowing clomid did it’s job. Or maybe it was my body? It’s hard to know since we’ve never monitored my ovulation off drugs. Either way, woo for 2 follies!

He said that Clomid can make your lining thin out, and mine was no exception. His recommendation was baby aspirin, no explanation given. Ok, baby aspirin, can do. I’m also getting the gift of progesterone suppositories, even though I’ve never shown a need for them. I guess with a thinner lining they want to take every precaution and make sure that if conception happens, it sticks. Whatever, progesterone in my vag for a while, can do.

Not being my doctor, he asked if we were doing insemination or intercourse. I said we were doing IUI. He asked 1 or 2. Hmmm, never thought about it. I assumed 1 was all you ever got. Ultimately I decided upon 2. If were gonna do this me might as well go hard. He left and I got dressed. The nurse asked me for my HCG meds and I produced them from my purse. She mixed up a batch and injected my ass with it. Needles so don’t bother me. I was given 2 collection cups and told to bring a sample in between 6:30 and 7:30 am tomorrow morning, and again the next morning. Back to back IUI. This should be interesting folks. I’d be over the moon if this works AND both follies produce eggs. 2 eggs, 2 inseminations, I’m liking the odds already.

Here we go!

Life changes – game on

I hope the Clomid is working, it certainly feels like it’s doing something. I haven’t had any hot flashes or mood swings, but I’m feeling very aware of my ovaries today, CD 8. I hope I don’t ovulate early or anything, my next appointment is CD12. I’m not sure when the IUI gets done after that, I guess it depends on how my follies look. If I normally ovulate on CD14, then when do I get a trigger? Why trigger at all? I got my HCG in the mail, the doctors will shoot me with it when it comes time. Again, I really wonder what the use is in my case. It doesn’t cause immediate ovulation, and if I get it on CD13 and I was probably going to O on 14 anyway then why bother? Does that mean they’ll aim to do the IUI on 13 or 14? Groan. Not to mention it won’t be my doctor I meet with on CD12, it will be a male doctor I’ve never met because mine is not in office that day.

I got my prescription on CD4 along with my baseline ultrasound. My doctor just walked in while half heartedly knocking, I mean really, she’s going to look at my vag anyway why bother with formalities. Just stay in the room, hell just let me come into the office not wearing any pants at all, they’re just going to come off anyway! The wand didn’t hurt this time, although after enough appointments I can confirm my doctor does NOT have a light touch. When she’s putting something in your vagina, you’re going to know it. I think maybe my ovaries were just sensitive last time. The only issue this time was how damn cold the gel was. She said everything looked good for a baseline. I took a picture of the ultrasound screen for posterity. When I first walked into the room the last images taken were still on the screen. They were of a pretty obvious looking fetus with a heart rate of 169. I wondered for a moment what it would be like for that picture to be mine. I can only hope to gaze upon that miracle one day.

In the mean time my motherly instincts are poisoning me without a proper outlet. I raised 3 dogs from puppies and my 27 year old husband is practically like having a child (seriously, I had to yell at him to clean his room). You’d think I would have enough outlets to feel fulfilled. Nahhh of course not! My husband and I kicked around the idea of getting a cat for years now. Only recently did it hone down to “we want a Russian Blue kitten that we can name (Russian name)”. Usually when it gets to the point that we have a name picked out, it starts to become reality. Unfortunately Russian Blue kittens are hard to come by and there are no breeders in the area, so I would settle for a mix. I got an email from petfinder that a new russian blue kitten had been listed nearby. He was picture perfect. I promptly filled out an application and ditched working an afternoon to drive an hour to a nearby county’s humane society. I played with him for about a half hour before knowing I I needed him. A few minutes of chatting with the employee in charge and he was officially mine. He comes home next Weds after being neutered. I’m pretty excited, raising a 4 month old kitten through the next 6 months of fertility treatments will definitely help keep me sane.

I always complain about my job, but things have finally reached the tipping point. I had my yearly evaluation (my first) yesterday, My boss and I both knew I was not performing up to snuff, but he understood he promoted someone with no experience into the role and wasn’t expecting me to be perfect. At least he thought the work I was capable of doing was of good quality. He handed me a job description for my role, which didn’t exist when he made it up and promoted me to it. He’s requiring someone hired from the outside to have 3 years of b2b marketing experience and prefers someone with a masters. Well YEAH, that’s exactly what you need! You can’t expect the new college grad you hired in specifically to manage sending email blasts and website updates to magically be able to do the same job as a seasoned professional with ABSOLUTELY NO TRAINING. In short, I was set up to fail, but my boss isn’t blaming me for it. He wants to help me grow into this role….if it’s what I want. I don’t understand how he could do that considering he doesn’t know anything about marketing or how to train a greenhorn. It’s just not going to work out, I’m smart enough to understand this. I’m not going to keep torturing myself to bring home a paycheck, plus I’d be stupid if I thought he wasn’t already searching for a replacement. I’m not good with speaking, at all. I’m going to put my thoughts into a written letter and give it to him. I’m going to explain how I feel and try to have him accept me stepping down to my old role. This could go south. I think he thinks a shiny new marketing person is going to have the patience to redo website graphics, learn html, make email templates, stuff most people in director level jobs have other people do for them because it isn’t truly a marketing task. I want to be that other person. I could just stay here and keep faking it, but I don’t think he will have the patience for it come next evaluation. I hope he allows me to step down into my old job to allow for a better person to be his director. If not then I guess I get to be broke for a while. Such is the risk I take. I’m too young to be in a job that just doesn’t fit, no matter how much you want it to.

The Summer of Clomid

We got our results yesterday. Our appointment was at 1:15 but we weren’t seen until 1:45 because people are inconsiderate and run late for their appointments.

When we got into our consultation room my doctor decided to start off with my husband’s results:

  • Count: 134 Million
  • Motility: 80%
  • Morphology (strict) 3%

As you can see, the main problem is morphology. I know under strict morphology most men won’t fair well, with 14% considered to be top tier. 0-3% is bottom tier. It means that even though he’s got a lot of swimmers, and most of them were moving, they were not perfectly shaped, had 2 tails, no tails, etc. That means they might not be able to swim properly to the egg or get inside and fertilize it. Morphology from what I gather tends to get worse the older the sample is. We were told to give a sample between 2 and 5 days of abstinence. We gave one on day 2 or 3. Usually when we go about our methods of insemination the sample could be anywhere from 2 weeks old to 1 day old. Because his count is good it helps, it means they’ll have a lot to choose from.

Then it was my turn. She showed me my HSG pictures and said everything looked good but there’s a slight chance one of my tubes was inconclusive. Because the dye spilled so fast from one side she figures there wasn’t enough pressure to have a similar spill on the other side. Both tubes spilled though and that’s what’s important. She isn’t concerned but said if I really really wanted to know we could do another HSG but doesn’t find it necessary.

Besides my Factor V, which she says I will have to be on blood thinners for once pregnant, my other results were within normal range….except FSH. My FSH was a 10.4! At 24 that is ridiculously high. That’s like the ovarian reserve of a woman in her late 30s. But because all my other results, including AMA were normal, it isn’t a huge issue, but it’s an issue. I hope it doesn’t mean my eggs are bad, but that I just have less of them left. All in all, we all remark that it’s wonderful I sought treatment in my 20s because by the time I’m 30 it could be too late. Score one for getting married at 19! Only wish my husband would have been on board with baby making earlier on.

It made me feel a little depressed the more I think about it. Why in the world is my FSH so abnormally high? My mother went through menopause in her late 40s early 50s! No answers really. I read somewhere that female carriers of the fragile X gene can have this issue. How could I carry fragile X when NO ONE in my family has ever had a child with this problem, and I don’t think this is typically an asymptomatic gene. I guess I just have to chalk up the FSH level to crappy luck.

So what is a young couple with low egg(low quality?) and poor morphology to do? My doctor presented a few options that aligned exactly with what I wanted to try anyway. We both agreed to try 3 rounds of Clomid/IUI before moving onto IVF. I hope I respond to Clomid, I really do. I have very regular cycles and a noticeable LH surge, so I DO most likely O, at least that’s a plus. The Clomid from what I gather will make me stimulate more eggs then normal. More chances is always cool with me! Clomid carries a 10% chance of twins, double awesome! I’d be happy if I get pregnant with triplets for craps sake! At this point as many kids I can get done in one cycle is a major plus.

I know IUI doesn’t have great odds, but I like thinking of it as “sperm fast pass”. My husband seems to like this description. For all I know my mucus is making it even harder for his oddly shaped sperm and there’s no one left to get to the egg. The fact that I’ve never been pregnant makes me think there’s a problem with the sperm getting to and fertilizing the egg. If my eggs are crappy, wouldn’t that result in a chemical pregnancy? For IUI they will take the best sperm available and give them the red carpet treatment. No waiting through the fun house maze of the cervix and getting lost. No goopy mucus to potentially slow them down. Just the wild wild west of the uterus. Who knows how many sperm get caught up in my cervix and never make it to the promised land. I think out of all problems to have, an IUI will favor our particular issues best. If we have to move onto IVF, so be it.

Everyone remarked about how good our insurance is. I don’t know if I was hearing correctly but it SOUNDED like our maximum out of pocket on IVF is 6 grand. I don’t know if that’s per cycle (3 maximum lifetime) or just the out of pocket max for all 3. Either way, 6 grand is worth it to have a baby. I certainly hope if it gets to IVF that 3 will do the trick, after that we’re on our own. I’m also scared that my egg quality is bad and I will need donor eggs. I would be absolutely crushed if it came to that. I don’t think it will, but it will always weigh on my mind.

I’m to call my office on CD1 and get the ball rolling my my first IUI next cycle. So pumped. I could be on the road to being a mom in the next 6 months. The next 3 months will forever be known as The Summer of Clomid.

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