85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Posts tagged ‘IVF’

Tick Tock Tick Tock

I’m so impatient! Tomorrow is my next check and hopefully I’m doing fine and can continue my injections and inch closer to sweet sweet ER day.

I got to start stabbing Saturday. I mixed up my meds 2 hours before I used them. I had my husband watch just so he could see what I had to go through. First Gonal F, no problems, I was surprised at how little I felt. It’s just such a tiny needle and it’s like your body just ignores it. Menopur on the other hand wasn’t as neat and tidy. I forgot to tap air out, which I’m sure is the reason I got a blood drop when I took the needle out….oh and a gnarly bruise.

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It looks worse than it is. I was careful with my shots yesterday and no marks what so ever. I hear that making sure there is no air combined with putting pressure on the site with a gauze pad after injecting is helpful in keeping bruising away.

Menopur STINGS. Also it seems to be hard to press in, which just prolongs the feeling. Definitely don’t prefer Menopur.

I hope everything keeps on track and I get lots of eggies that are mature. I hope I only have to go through this once, I’m so ready for everything to happen, and I don’t think I can wait much longer. I’m just stuck here in limbo waiting to progress to the next stage of my life. I’ve grown considerably in the past 2 years, especially in this last year of TTC.

I’ve made some decisions that completely contradict what I thought I wanted for myself. I feel mature and confident. I know who my real friends are. I know what’s important and what I used to think was important completely isn’t. I feel “grown up”. Having to go through IVF really toughens you up and basically makes you grow up. Dare I say, it’s almost like I needed to go through this. I feel special in a really messed up way. I had to struggle for my baby, I had to know I wanted it more than anything else, at the expense of my sanity, health, and career. It wasn’t an accident. It wasn’t a “1-6 months in the making” process. This will be 19 months in the making. It wasn’t easy. Isn’t the saying anything that comes easy isn’t worth having? It almost makes me feel sorry for the women with oops babies or “yay preggers first month off the pill” babies. My baby will be special. My baby was shrewdly calculated. My baby cost me 7500 dollars before she was even born. Only 1-2% of all babies born in a year are IVF babies. Not everyone can say they have a picture of their child at 5 days post creation. I’m feeling “one” with my predicament. I’ve made it my own. I’ve made it a part of me. I don’t think I would go back and change anything. I’m so ready. Just so ready…

Back in time and good to go

This week in Florida is just what I needed to relax. It was an amazing week with the part of my family that I really love, which is hard for me to say since I’m not very lovey or open with my own family, but that’s because they are literally insane and raised me at an arms length. I’m the type of person who enjoys a little babying and pampering, and I feel like that is exactly how this week went. I couldn’t thank my husband’s aunt and grandma enough for the experience. It was overwhelmingly nice for them to pay for our trip, treat us to dinner, and even take us kayaking, while opening their home (their large….gorgeous home on a canal) to us. I tried my best to pay it back by tending to their dogs (one old timer and one 4 month old puppy), and grooming their older dog’s feet and nails. It was the least I could do to show my gratitude. I’m not very good with thank yous….but I try. I can’t wait to go back. For good. My husband said it best… “it felt like we were home for 5 days”. Coming home to hurricane weather from sunshine and warmth was not fun either. That was cruel.

I had my doctor’s appointment this morning to check on my side kick cyst. I wasn’t sure what to expect, knowing my luck my estrogen would have surged back up for no apparent reason other than to fuck everything up some more. I have to say, whatever med student she brought in was very gentle with the wand, a rare occurrence. I watched her measure what appeared to be tiny cysts on my LEFT ovary, while she muttered “not really worried about that”. Could have been follicles growing, who knows. Then we shift to the right and I hold my breath. I don’t see anything at first, then catch a glimpse of what looks to be a tiny football shaped cyst. “It’s deflating! See how it’s kind of squished?” my doctor says excitedly. Indeed. The cyst has shrunk and deflated since last visit. I notice something new. I think Doc M is PREGNANT. Either she’s pregnant or somehow is stuffing a lot of stuff in her sweater pockets. How unusual. I wonder if having a pregnant doctor will benefit me. I got my blood draw shortly after, which was the most painful one to date, no idea why. IVF nurse was commending me for being so patient, and hoping this would be it.

As soon as I sit down to start this blog I get my results. ALL CLEAR! Estrogen is low, cyst was collapsing, I’m good to start injections on Saturday! I know better than to get my hopes up, everything that can go wrong typically does. It’s a miracle anyone gets born. You’d think IVF would be a sure thing, but until you dive into it you have NO IDEA just how many things can go wrong and completely derail your perfect plans. Next check is in a week. No more pills, and 3 injections. If all keeps on schedule this time my ER will be around the 12th. That would put my 5 day transfer on my mom’s birthday. At least I think it’s her birthday, I honestly forget if it’s the 17th or the 19th. I’m a terrible daughter. I’m terrible with birthdays in general.

It’s starting to get exciting again….the rush of possible motherhood returning. Awww yiss.Image

Well duh…

Went in for my appointment yesterday, knowing the cyst would still be there. There wasn’t a hint of optimism in my mind. There’s just nothing in the logic that would show me a cyst disappearing in 2 weeks. Doc M waved her magic wand, and before she could even tell me what I was seeing on the screen, I saw for myself. Cyst, cyst, cyst! Still there, same size and everything. It didn’t even budge. I’m not sure why 2 weeks of birth control was supposed to help.

I told Doc M about reading the drug pamphlet that came with my pills, about how ovarian cysts are a noted side effect. She kind of seemed bewildered and confused. I asked if I could pleaaaaase try a new pill because Nora Be is garbage. She said yes. Instead of putting me on a combo pill (she refused) I’m going to be on provera, which isn’t technically a birth control. Oh well, if it works it works, at least it isn’t Nora Be and I won’t be bleeding every other week! I just want this damn cyst to go away so I can get on with my life. I was passed off to get a blood draw for estrogen. As I entered the room 3 nurses were looking over my chart and debating what sounded like dosage amount on my prescribed provera. “Why 10mg, Doc Z normally does 30mg, this doesn’t make sense”. They went to ask my doctor for clarification. I guess the final call comes when my estrogen comes back. I have yet to fill my prescription or receive a phone call with instructions.

Also over the past few days my dog L has developed a hot spot on his ass. I got him a cone of shame to keep him from chewing it raw. Luckily I have anti itch cream from the recent vet visit for my other dog T. I diluted it with water and sprayed it on his boo boo, since he wouldn’t let me touch it. Dog T is starting to get greasy again, and her itch never really went away, just slightly subsided. At least dog S is doing fine. Kitty D is fine except for an incident that happened earlier in the week. He wouldn’t come out of his litter box, and when I finally got him out he kept dragging his ass around. I noticed a poop stuck in his butt. Upon closer inspection it was not a poop, it was part of his yarn ribbon dancer thing. He fucking ate it, and is now pooping it out. What. The. Fuck. I had my husband hold him and I grabbed the string. In an instant it pulled right out of him without sticking. It was freaking nasty, at least 12 inches of poop covered flat yarn. I don’t even know how he ate it in the first place.

Also I randomly developed debilitating tooth sensitivity in a previously filled tooth. It had been noticeable for 2 months now, but easily tolerated. Over the last 48 hours it exploded to the point that drinking cold anything or eating on that side was like being struck by lightning in the mouth. My dentist was able to see me this morning and put some sort of bitter salve on it, saying it’s likely I have a tiny crack in the tooth because the filling is fine. The salve was cured and I was sent on my way. It seems to have made a difference. It’s no longer debilitating, and back down to about the original tolerable level of pain. Hopefully it will last at least through vacation.

I leave for vacation tomorrow, it couldn’t have come at a better time. Actually it could have come at a slightly better time, I’m missing the annual college town Halloween bar crawl this Saturday. I’ve gone with my long time friend for the past 3 years. It’s absolute pandemonium and the streets are clogged with throngs of college kids in costumes, all waiting in line to get drunk. I had a great idea for a costume too but I guess it will wait for next year. Hopefully I can make up for the lack of alcohol on vacation.

Edit: Of course the clinic calls during or just after my blog posts! I got my estrogen levels back. I wasn’t initially told what they were last week, but Doc M grumbled about how high they were, so I assumed really, really bad. IVF nurse called to tell me “good news everyone” (yes, you should read that in Professor Farnsworth’s voice). I guess my estrogen is at like 36? It was apparently at like 102 last draw so over 3 weeks it came down considerably. I’m not sure why that’s good since the whole estrogen/cyst thing was never explained. I go again next Tuesday morning to see what happens, while staying on Nora Be, not provera. I guess maybe once my estrogen bottoms out we can ignore the cyst and start injectables? Please, I hope so!

FRAK! “No shots for you”

I was really looking forward to posting today. About my appointment and my go ahead to start shots and FINALLY RIDE THE DAMN ROLLER COASTER of IVF.

Life was all “LOL nah bitch how about a big fat CYST on dat ovary?”

It’s true. I went in for my appointment today for a blood draw and preliminary ultrasound before getting the all clear to start injectables. Blood draw was quick, but it looked like the nurse used a way bigger needle than normal, and I have the bruise to prove it. Got in for my ultrasound and, surprise surprise, doctor M had another med student in tow. This one seems vaguely familiar. This one might have seen my vag before. It’s sad when you have that many people who have taken a gander at your sniz that you can’t even remember them all.

Doc M handed her the wand while she watched the screen. She began to tell me about drinking a liter of Gatorade a day. “Left ovary looks good”. Med student veered the wand hard to the left in order to find the right ovary. She struggled, but apologized for jerking the wand around. Doc M took over and said she was having trouble finding it. I made a joke about my ovary wandering around. She found it (damn if it’s always right in the last place you look…) and proclaimed “not starting, there’s a cyst on your right ovary”.

Are. You. Serious. With. This. Shit. Right. Now?

Stupid ass Nora Be pills were not strong enough to prevent ovulation, and my follicle just decided to hang out and become a cyst. What a crock of shit that is. Doc M had me clean up and told me to go wait in the lobby and she would send the IVF nurse out. I waited, but she never came. Doc M came back and told me I would get a call this afternoon once my blood work came in and go from there. Aaaaand there’s the call!

IVF nurse called and wanted me to go back on pills until the 16th. I told her about the vacation from the 24th-29th and reconfigured to meet on the 22nd, as long as my doctor says OK. Depending on how that appointment goes I may be starting injections on my trip, which is fine.

I was so pumped to start injecting tonight. So pumped to work towards finally finishing this IVF cycle. And a stupid ass fluid filled SACK OF SHIT on my ovary derails everything. I just want to have a baby, fuck me right?

Shots Shots Shots Shots Shots

And this time it’s of the alcoholic variety! Just like I said my last post, I needed to get drunk before having all this go down. Once I start taking my shots of the sharp and pointy type, I’m not going to drink at all. I rarely drink as it is, but having an occasional night out is never a bad thing. I figure if I’m successful in this, I won’t be drinking for a very long time.

My long time friend who recently moved about 10 minutes away invited me to the local folk music festival, which is just an excuse for a bar crawl while listening to people play music at each one. With 20 dollars in my pocket, we set off around 8. I was back by midnight, very, very drunk. I only had a PBR, a long island iced tea, a lady gaga shot (no idea but it came with a handful of cotton candy!) and a cherry bomb. You know it’s a good night when you can’t stop giggling while your friend orders at the McDonald’s drive through.

Unfortunately I forgot to take my birth control before leaving…oops! Not that it matters, I’ve started bleeding a week early. I wonder what that will mean for IVF. I guess it means a whole extra week to build a healthy lining since it’s emptying out early. Or maybe it means my lining will be a week older at the time of implantation. I really have no idea what to think. Maybe it means nothing at all!

I came home and my husband gave me my anniversary present early. It was a Halo 3 Xbox 360 that he swapped my Xbox’s guts into. I’ve always wanted one just because it was green and gold, like Master Chief! He even got the matching controller and swapped my hard drive into the matching gold hard drive case. Every last detail was taken care of. I really appreciated it! I also gave him his gift a week ago. I got a major garage sale score of a 6 foot tall Donkey Kong Super Nintendo cardboard display standee and a plastic tote filled to the brim with empty Super Nintendo game boxes in pristine condition. A hunk of cardboard and some empty boxes. He loved it! We’re such nerds, but I guess that’s why we work well together. We’ve planned on having our 5 year anniversary dinner at Chuck E Cheese. Why? We met there, we worked together, we dated, had our first kiss, all within the walls of a Chuck E Cheese. Ah amore…. I guess I’ll save all that story for a post on my anniversary.

Make it so, number 1

Ah Captain Picard, why can’t you be real?

My consent signing was yesterday. My husband and I were left alone in a room to look over a stack of papers and sign them without them being explained. Most of it dealt with what to do with embryos. It was a no brainer, freeze them of course! The other things could be summed up as “IVF fucking sucks and you’re going to be a crabby witch for a while and that’s cool, just don’t sue us.” There was also a mention about how I’m more likely to die in a car accident in the next year than I am to die from anything in my IVF process. That’s reassuring, I guess?

After I signed my life away my doctor came in with yet another new face. I swear she has a stable of med students that follow her around like cattle. I don’t put any effort into remembering them since I rarely see them twice. She signed where she needed to on my forms and swiftly left, sending in the IVF nurse to give me a live demonstration of injectable meds and go over my calendar of events.

Looks like I continue birth control through 9/27, which is CD28. I’m totally confused since A) I’ve already begun bleeding and B) She handed me 5 extra BC pills because she seemed to think my pack was going to run out on 9/23. I’m on Nora Be, is there a full week of sugar pills on that that I’m not aware of? I was on Yaz years prior and the inactive pills were a totally different color, and I’m pretty sure there were only 5 of them. Whatever, I’ll stop using what is left in my pack on 9/23 and take the 5 extras she gave me. Then I come in on 10/2, CD 3, for the real fun. Ultrasound and blood levels, the usual. I get to start my evening shots of Gonal F and Ganirelix, folic acid supplement, doxycycline twice daily, (purely prophylactic for both my husband and I), aspirin, and dexamethasone, because apparently I am a man. So that’s 5 pills and 2 shots daily. Seems like a lot but not really. ER will be somewhere between 10/11 and 10/14, which would put my 5 day transfer at 10/19 at the latest.

The IVF nurse showed me how to mix my injectables and the right places to stab myself. It didn’t look overly complicated, just draw up X amount of water, mix it with the powder in the vial, draw it back up, push extra out to remove air bubbles and STABBY STAB STAB. Easy peasy right? She kept refering to my husband when she talked about the progesterone shots. My husband immediately bowed out, there’s no way he can do it. He’s incredible squeamish and unsteady. Luckily that is not a problem since my clinic will shoot me up every day free of charge, huzza! I’m not terribly needle shy, but it’s not like I’ve ever voluntarily stabbed myself. It can’t be that hard, junkies do it and they seem pretty shaky. If some crack head can shoot up with a used needle in a rest stop bathroom, then damn it so can I!

I left with a nifty free faux leather travel case for my drugs, my calendar, and an appointment for 10/2. My fee for this appointment? $5,500. My clinic requires payment in full at the IVF consent signing. In my case it’s $4,000 for a baseline IVF and $1,500 for ICSI. Fairly affordable if I do say so. Once my insurance picks it up I should get a check for half of that amount back. I had to max out my 2 credit cards that are always empty, pay 500 out of my bank account, and put 1600 on a joint card with my husband. It WOULD have all been on one card but the lady at the bank is being a bitch. I went in there 10 days before hand to get either a loan or a credit card for the amount I needed. I told her specifically that I needed the money by 9/20 and I didn’t want a credit card unless I could for sure get it in time. We got one before through them and it was approved in 2 days and we had a card within a week. She takes my information and sends it away for processing. I hear nothing ever again. I call her after 2 days for an update and I get blown off saying “yeah it’s in underwriting I’ll let you know BYE”. It’s been almost 2 weeks now My husband and I have stellar credit so I don’t know what the hold up is. What the fuck ever. At least I had emergency space on our joint card to put the extra 1600 that I didn’t have. The cost to balance transfer everything over now will be several hundred dollars so fuck that. I guess I just keep an empty card for next time. Grumble Grumble.

Remember how I was all excited about making and selling my fertility bracelets? REMEMBER? Yeah well that has fizzled. Not a single one has sold and only one watcher on my ebay listing. I know I know, I should be selling on Etsy, and I will. It still makes me sad that no one has bought one. They must be uglier then I thought. I mean come on people, it’s pure sterling silver AND 100% natural gemstones that aren’t dyed OR fake. You can find them here.

So I guess I have another week of freedom before this roller coaster ride takes off. I must make plans to get plastered, since if all goes well I won’t be able to for quite a long time. SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS…..that song has taken on a completely new meaning to me.

What then?

So I just got the call from my pharmacy. I held my breath for the cost. Of course, he waited until he listed out all my drugs to give me a cost. Looks like I’ll be getting:

Gonal F, Menopur, Ganirelix, Hcg, Valium (for the transfer, though I won’t need it), Vicodin (again, idk why but I already have a huge stash, just going to add it to it) Medrol, Folic Acid, PIO, and Doxycycline.

“You have stellar insurance. Your drugs cost about 6 grand, but your total bill is $294.53.” Hot damn! At least now all I have to worry about is fronting the money for IVF, which is about 6 grand. Insurance should pay half so I’ll be left to worry about 3 grand. That’s very doable.

Now, on with the show!

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One of my co workers stormed into my office this morning. She accurately summed up exactly what’s wrong with my company.

“You know what really chaps my ass? We’re supposed to be experts in (product), know how to make (product) work for other companies, yet our (product) doesn’t even work!! How am I supposed to get anything done today?”

I’ve been saying all along that my position at this tiny company just isn’t working. I have no choice but to stay. I need money for IVF, I have no interest in working full time at another company doing the same thing, and I’m going to be working from home as soon as Friday. Why would I leave it to go sit in a cubicle at another company? So I just have to suck it up and deal with it.

The entire thing is making me wonder…what’s next? Ok, so let’s say I get pregnant this cycle. I’ll be overjoyed of course, but what then? We planned to escape to Florida to be with family that we actually enjoy, and live in a house worth living in. Happily ever after. Right?

Now that my husband is back in school, we will need to stick around for 2 years while he finishes. Ok, I could do 2 years….if we lived in a nicer house. Our house needs a ton of work still. I haven’t been in one of our bedrooms for at least a year because it’s filled with construction supplies. We have nasty wood floors that have seen better days, desperately need carpet and trim, our siding is covered in peeling paint, our concrete stairs are broken and sinking, The railroad ties lining the driveway are falling over, something was wrong with the way my husband redid the upstairs bathroom because it leaks into the basement every time someone takes a shower, the basement is a complete pig stye filled with my husband’s game reselling business and endless piles of construction supplies in the laundry room. Get the picture? It’s hardly the clean, picturesque house I pictured raising a family in. I tried to tell my husband that A) Fixing it up to sell it is stupid because the neighborhood can only hold so much value and we’re basically just giving away free money that we don’t have. B) Someone will buy it in the condition it’s in, we sure did. and C) We don’t have the money or time to fix it to the state that he feels it will be sellable. It’s easier to throw it to the wolves and accept less for it than gamble with money we DON’T HAVE AND WON’T HAVE BECAUSE WE’RE GOING TO HAVE A CHILD. While he’s an excellent husband and provider, when it comes to the house he treats me like I have no idea what I’m talking about. Mark my words, I’ll be trapped in that stupid house that I didn’t want forever. Also I’m not really cool with my parents, and I KNOW everyone is going to force their way into my bubble to visit “their grandbaby”. I honestly don’t want them to come see the baby at all. Moving to Florida would keep them away from me while allowing me to raise my child around a not insane family unit that I enjoy spending time with.

Ok, so lets say I have a child, and I do get the perfect house I want. What if I hate my child? As stupid as it sounds, it’s a real fear! While laying awake the night before my parents came to visit I googled around for “is it normal to hate your family” and got a lot of posts about people feeling guilty for not liking their children. Just as I don’t like my parents for my own reasons, people do in fact grow to dislike their kids! No one wanted to hate their kids, but they didn’t turn out as expected. I can be a pretty cold and hateful person, so it scared me to think that I have the capacity to dislike my own children. Plus what if I have a child that looks and acts just like my brother. My mom did! My brother is the spitting image of my late uncle. Right down to the lanky look and social awkwardness. My first friend to get pregnant in high school ended up having a child that, in my opinion, looks very similar to her brother. Neither her nor her baby daddy wore glasses but her child does. So does her brother. I would absolutely scream if I had a baby like my brother.

So that gets me thinking. What if cosmos knows this? What if cosmos knows I’d be miserable every day raising a child like that, or what if cosmos knows I’d be destined to have some sort of mentally handicapped child? Another type I would not be able to emotionally handle. What if cosmos is just sparing me the pain and making it so I can’t have one at all? What if?

Ok, so what if I get pregnant, have the perfect house, and the child I always dreamed of. What then? What am I going to do with my life then? I already know I can’t do daycare, so it’s not like I can work for a while. Living on one income will be hard. I still have no idea what I want to DO with my life and where I want my career to go or not go. I’m not sure I want to work full time. I’ve said plenty of times I’m just vehemently against the stupid archaic 40 hour work week, 30 is more my speed. It’s hard to find those rare jobs and companies that “get it”. If I get to a point where I want to work close to full time, what am I going to do to make sure I don’t fall back into a job I hate? it’s all so scary.

I guess I hope life just falls into place and I get everything I always dreamed of. The infinite unknown drives me insane. There is absolutely no way of predicting the future or planning out what’s going to happen because life doesn’t lend itself to planning. I just have to trust that this is going to work. It’s scary, plain and simple. I’m scared.

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