85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Posts tagged ‘mental-health’

Let’s See

My clinic randomly called me the other day to discuss IVF costs. I wasn’t expecting this phone call, I figured it would be handled Thursday or some time after. The woman on the other side of the phone must have been the clinic insurance guru. She began to tell me about what my plan looked like it would cover. Unlimited IUI and 3 IVF. That doesn’t seem right I told her. I thought it used to be 3 of each, and has since been changed to 3 total of either/or. She said she would call them and get back to me. I didn’t submit my IUI to the insurance because if they’re only going to cover 3 of something, why waste it on IUI when IVF is far less affordable out of pocket? Insurance, WTF? Y U No cover both?

She called me back promptly, apologizing, and told me I was correct. That it was a good thing I chose not to submit them. Score one for me on being super anal about understanding my policy. Though it would have been nice to get back some of that IUI money. She then decided to rattle off costs:

  • Baseline IUI with no ICSI – 4,000
  • ICSI – 1,500
  • Assisted hatching – 500
  • Embryos on ice – 600 a year up front
  • Meds – ??

I guess my insurance typically covers 50%, but will not cover lab costs or anesthesia? Wonder how much extra that will be. Who knows how much meds will end up costing. The worst part is I have to pay it all up front. Looks like it’s small loan for me! My clinic doesn’t need to know off the bat if I want to go with ICSI for the first cycle, they typically let it go au natural and convert it if it’s not going well. We have no indication about how well my husbands sperm can penetrate anything. For all we know his sperm have been champion swimmers and penetrated the eggs fine, only to not fertilize or implant. I still feel like blaming myself. I might feel a little bit better seeing that his sperm can’t penetrate my eggs. It will give me the ultimate “so THAT’S what the problem has been” feeling. ICSI will fix that and bada bing bada boom…baby. If they put his sperm with my eggs and they go in and fertilize fine, I’m going to have an “uh oh” moment. That either means his sperm could never reach the egg, or that we’ve been fertilizing all along and they never stick. I’ll feel terrible if we throw perfectly good embies into my uterus only for it to give them the cold shoulder and leave them to die. Freaking uterus. Bitch.

My husband switched back to to 4, 10 hour shifts (lets be real, he’s gone 12 hours a day) with his promotion, so for 4 days a week I rarely see him. It makes me sad because we used to go on after dinner adventures that we can’t really do anymore. He gets 3 days off now. I’m trying to swing a work from home gig with my boss, which will A) Make me less stressed, B) Give me proper time to work on my other gig for husband’s family’s website, C) Give me more time with my husband on his days off. I was going to ask him today if I could start working from home but he ended up calling in quickly to do a phone meeting. I didn’t feel right discussing that over the phone. He asked if I had any word on when I would need to be out “for surgery”, IE for egg retrieval. I told him I didn’t know yet, but I would be out all day tomorrow for appointments (I only have one but I wanted a whole day) and we both agreed that maybe we could meet Friday to discuss. I hope he goes for it, I really do. Even if I do a half office/half home every day situation it would be light years better than what I do now. I think he will be receptive to it, though part of me thinks he will get mad and dismiss it….and me. I don’t think he has much of a choice though. You can’t fire someone with a need for medical leave/adjusted schedule without finding a way to make reasonable accommodations. The same amount of work will get done, and without the added stress of being in a windowless office 7 hours a day I’ll be a better worker. It’s totally win win for everyone.

I’ve been feeling slightly less sad lately. Normally I find some reason to get teary every day. I haven’t cried for 2 WHOLE DAYS! That’s a new record. I think between the second job bringing in much needed income and the prospect of working from home, it just makes me happy. Maybe not happy, but less worried. It’s a start.

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