85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Posts tagged ‘things no one ever told you about pregnancy’

Top Things No One Tells You About Being Pregnant

I’m at 17 weeks now and chugging along nicely. Still won’t know what flavor bun is in my oven for another 2 weeks unfortunately! I finished up with my RE and got switched to an OBGYN, who is every bit as amazing as my RE made her out to be.

Now that I’m knee deep in second trimester territory, I’m starting to notice a lot of “gotcha” things about pregnancy that literally no one bothered mentioning to me. Oh sure, everyone loves talking about the growing bump, the strong hair and nails, the glow, etc etc. No one likes talking about this stuff though!

1. It’s not just your head that gets strong hair, (and not everyone gets that luxury)

I guess your thick head of hair is actually due to a combination of hair not falling out and growing faster. It’s great when it happens on your head, not so much other places on the body. You should know that you are also prone to becoming a Sasquatch. Legs, chin, stomach, arm pits, you name it. It doesn’t even matter if you HAD hair to begin with, it will start growing in new places. And not all of it grows at the same pace! You can have thinning head hair, and leg hair that grows like a weed. The main problem I faced was far more gruesome. I developed Sasquatch ass. That’s right, my ass crack decided to grow hair, and a lot of it. Awesome! Luckily a 10 dollar pen trimmer from the drug store fixed that right up.

2. Going to the bathroom becomes a lot more complex.

At some point, going pee may start to get hard. If I have an incredibly full bladder first thing in the morning, I literally have to lean forward when I think I’m done and force a lot of extra pee out. Sometimes I have to pass gas before my pee stream becomes normal, like it’s being blocked from the inside. And pee isn’t the only thing you’ll have trouble with. Your poop will be far from normal. Either incredibly constipated or like someone turned on the chocolate soft serve machine and just left the handle up. I don’t think I’ve had a “normal” poo in weeks despite my diet not changing at all. Which leads us too…

3. Hemorrhoids, for no reason at all.

If you have them before getting pregnant they’re going to get worse, and you’re going to get new ones. Mine are internal but randomly cause me pain and are starting to feel like they’re growing. I’m only 17 weeks. I don’t strain in the bathroom. I’m not overweight. I’m not old. There is literally no reason I should suffer from these ridiculous ass veins and yet I do. I’m scared of laboring with these things and having to kindly ask my doctor “sorry can you just pop that right back in there please?” Ugh, I shudder to think. I’m considering getting a banding done just so I can get rid of them before labor.

4. Round ligament pain can be way worse than books describe.

2 days ago I woke up and had a dull ache on both sides of my hip bones. Silly round ligament pain, you so dull. Until I got to work. The pain sharply increased on my left side until I had to excuse myself and drive home. It would be excruciating for about 2 hours, back for for 2 hours, and go back and fourth the rest of the day. Books tend to make a passing mention of RLP as being a sharp twinge for a few seconds when you cough or sneeze. Bull fucking shit. For a lot of women, it will be constant. We’re talking days to weeks at a time of feeling like there’s a sharp hot poker in your side, just twisting with every little move. An over stretched guitar string just ready to snap inside your body. Luckily the pain is starting to subside, but it’s still there, a lingering uncomfort. At least it is beginning to die down for me. My doctor says there’s no real good way to get rid of round ligament pain, you just have to wait it out. Heating pads, a Tylenol if your doc allows it, bed rest, a belly support, that’s really it. You just have to deal with it. My doctor also said relief may be in sight by 25 weeks, because RLP starts to become uncommon by then.

5. Ass babies

My friend described growing a baby out of her ass when she was pregnant, because her butt and thighs grew more than expected. I am also growing an ass baby. I had absolutely no idea you would gain a ridiculous amount of weight in your butt and thigh region as well as your belly and breasts. What purpose does that serve?! My body is packing it away in my upper thighs and butt like it’s going to need to live off the fat stores for a year. I’m starting to develop stretch marks on one of my thighs. My diet has not significantly changed, so I don’t understand where all this extra matter is coming from. It makes me feel gross.

6. Dreams so crazy and vivid you wake up exhausted.

I have a dream every night now, to the point that I can recall them for at least a little bit of time after waking up, longer if they were especially long or interesting. These dreams are so vivid and out there that I wake up as if I never slept at all. Why my body want to expend all this energy dreaming I’ll never understand.

I’m sure I’ll develop more pregnancy super powers, but I think this is a good list to start off with. Now I know why pregnant women complain so much!

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