85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Posts tagged ‘trying to conceive’

My first appointment…let the tears begin?

My very first appointment with the doctor was at 3 this afternoon. I had 2 moles cauterized at the dermatologist this morning and there’s no pain at all. I marveled at how strong of a person I am. I’ve had at least 9 needles stuck in me over the past month and a half and took it all in stride. Me strong woman, me can take anything! Or so I thought…

I met my doctor, a young looking, very perky Indian woman. I assumed this appointment would be pap smear + fertility talks, a basic toe dip into the pool of fertility treatments. I was quickly sat at a table with some assistant and my doctor, asking all the questions I had already answered on my 12 page new patient questionnaire. Time for a pap smear right? I was lead into a room and told to take off my pants and get up on the table. There was a strange machine with a huge dildo looking wand on it. Turns out I wasn’t in for a toe dip, someone was about to shove me into the pool whether I liked it or not.

Transvaginal ultrasound time! They used the wand to take a look at my uterus. The assistant handled the wand while the doctor watched the screen. Sometimes the assistant wouldn’t be positioned where the doctor wanted so she would grab the wand and thrust it to where she needed it. Felt like she was poking my ovaries or something, it was quite sensitive.

“Your lining is looking good….you also have a slight dip in your uterus”. Dip? What’s a dip? You mean like a tilted uterus? I asked. “Everyone’s uterus is tilted”…she then turns the screen so I can see it. “See where it sort of has bunny ears at the top? That’s a dip, it’s actually called bicornuate”. WHAT?! WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT? WHY DOES MY UTERUS HAVE EARS?! “It doesn’t usually affect conception, but it could contribute to an increased risk of miscarriage.” That’s good to hear, but it still makes me sad to know that I have a BICORNUATE UTERUS. Apparently not that bad of one, but still noticeable. Maybe I should make pride ribbons, just turn the ribbon upside down…..looks about right!

I’m pretty sure I’m ovulating today, I say confidently. “MMMMM nope, no follicle here. You may have already ovulated.” WHAT? Again, my head races with questions. By that time the ordeal was over and I was told to come out of the room when I was ready. I never saw my doctor again. I really wanted to ask how long after ovulation does the follicle stop being visible. There’s a very good chance I ovulated last night, but would that give it enough time to become invisible?! DID I OVULATE AT ALL?! What a terrible situation to leave someone in! It only got worse.

I crept out of my room and looked around for what I was supposed to do next. I’m the kind of person that appreciates a little hand holding, especially in a new, unfamiliar place like this. The woman at the desk in front of my room motioned for me to come over. I looked for my doctor with my newly formed questions, but she was no where to be found.

The woman at the desk began to rattle off prescriptions and procedures I would need to schedule on this day by this time bla bla bla. I was so confused. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into by coming here. One test was a sperm analysis, which is what I wanted to start with all along. If we find out my husband has sperm issues, that’s case closed as far as I’m concerned, I don’t want to go digging for more problems if a big one is staring me in the face first. Imagine my horror when she didn’t stop at the sperm analysis. The doctor also wants me to get an HSG. Basically a x-ray+ dye injection in the uterus to check and see if tubes are open and all that good stuff. WHAT THE…? Is that really necessary on the second visit?! Shouldn’t we wait for SA results first?? I highly doubt my tubes are blocked and I don’t want to be more invasive then I need to be. Also ordered was routine blood work to be performed at any lab of my choice.

I payed my 30 dollar co-pay and left with my goodie bag of prescriptions, appointment sheets, and a sterile cup to collect the sperm for the SA. I made it all the way home before screaming my lungs out in a pillow and crying for 15 minutes. My ovaries HURT now and I have no idea why. If I can’t take a vaginal ultrasound how the HELL am I going to take the pain of an HSG? WHY DOES MY UTERUS HAVE TO BE SHAPED LIKE THE EASTER BUNNY?!

I just wish every woman out there pouting about being accidentally pregnant is happy. Before feeling sorry for themselves they should be mandated by karmatic law to come look me in the eye and tell me how angry they are for getting pregnant accidentally, how effortless and easy it was. Just so they can see the pain in my eyes and how that makes ME feel.

It begins…

It’s currently 1:45 in the afternoon and I’m sitting in my office, feeling slightly ambivalent towards everything I do here. I’ve been meaning to start this blog for a while now, partly as a way to cope with what’s happening in my life, but mostly because I know I’m not alone, and I want those people to find me.

It’s not like fertility issues get a ribbon to slap on your car, it’s just not something people rally around and feel proud to talk about. The network is smaller, more fragmented then other cause-worthy ailments. We’re no AIDS or Autism, there is no cure in sight. It might as well be called the luck of the draw. We blog, we surf the baby and ttc forums, we go to our doctor’s office support groups, but largely, we still feel alone.

That’s what it’s like in the 15%.

I wonder if there’a a handy dandy breakdown of that 15% somewhere that shows what percentage of these couples are under 30. I’m guessing it’s less then half. Being 24 and finding out having a baby isn’t as easy as all your pregnant friends make it seem is like some sort of undocumented level of hell. Yep, that’s got to be it…the 10th level of hell: Being the only person in your circle of friends to never be pregnant. Inundated with pictures of beautiful, rosy cheeked babies on your facebook, glowing pregnancy pics, baby shower after baby shower, it hurts. You just smile and tap your foot impatiently, whens it going to be my turn?

After 12 months of trying, I knew it wasn’t going to be any time soon. There’s something wrong with us. Month after month of perfectly timed baby mambo sessons haven’t yielded a thing except a trash can full of crushed dreams and pee soaked OPKs and Answer brand pregnancy tests.

I took to Google, found myself a fertility clinic, and made an appointment….March 5. I’m nervous and excited at the same time. See, I don’t think the problem is me. My cycles are like old faithful….erm, maybe too literal. How about they’re as predictable and on time as Japanese transit? Works. I don’t have any outward issues like irregular cycles, breakthrough bleeding, pain, anything that would indicate a classic female fertility issue. I’m not overweight (closer to underweight), I get positive OPKs the day before O and 3 days of EWCM. That only leaves one person, my husband.

My money is on low sperm count. My husband is overweight, but not by a lot. He’s made changes to his diet and completely eliminated soda in an effort to make himself healthier. If low sperm count is the cause, how in the world do you help that?! I’m still the one who gets poked and prodded to work around that issue with IUI or even IVF…40% of infertility may be the cause of men, but 100% of women are the ones who have to suffer through it procedure wise. Unless you call masturbating in a cup and having blood drawn “suffering”.

I think that’s a good place to stop for today.

Tag Cloud

%d bloggers like this: