85% of couples conceive in the first year, I am not one of them

Posts tagged ‘ttc’

Feeling stuck

Yuck, it’s been half a month since my last post! I was on a well deserved vacation the last week in March, and have been in a pre and post vacation fog. Coming back to reality SUCKS. I’m the type of person who needs something to look forward to. It’s like fuel that helps drag me through the infinite doldrum that is my life. Now what do I get to look forward to? Fertility treatments? It all just depresses me. The end result is my new goal. The fire to finally get this shit together and produce a baby is burning white hot. Almost too hot, it hurts.

My husband and I have been talking about moving back to Florida. We’re both born and raised in Ohio, and throughout his life he’s been back and fourth to Florida, living there for a time and then moving back. He even took me there to live for our first year of marriage. Why come back? A number of reasons, mainly money. It’s been 4 years and a lot has changed since our last attempt. It could definitely work this time. I want to pack up and leave….now. Unfortunately, it’s not that easy. I’ve decided that we’re not going anywhere until I get pregnant. I don’t want to give up a steady source of income that will pay for this journey. Even though I really don’t enjoy my job as much as I used to, it’s pure recreational income. I’m saving every penny I can so that if it comes to IVF, I’ll be able to make a dent. Plus my husband has good insurance through his current job regarding fertility treatments, we can’t just give that up. Something about staying at a job you don’t see a future at so you can afford to have a child seems very mature, considering my friends conceived at minimum wage jobs or having no jobs at all. It’s so unfair…

I was due to ovulate on Saturday, but due to our vacation my O date seemed to skew off course. Cramps and OPKs point to Sunday instead. I got swimmers Saturday and Sunday. This cycle was so off, I usually get 3 clear days of EWCM with day 3 being O day. I barely had ANY EWCM. Maybe this will be a good thing, maybe copious amounts of EWCM were hindering things.

We’re planning on delivering a sperm sample tomorrow afternoon, yes, finally! I’m excited and worried at the same time. What if it shows his sperm is perfect? What if it shows his sperm is terrible? They’re both equally scary to me. One says I’m the problem, one says he’s the problem. Either way there’s a problem to deal with! What if his sperm is perfect AND they can’t find anything wrong with me? I crave answers.

Then there’s still the matter of bloodwork and HSG. I’m still fairly afraid of having the HSG done, I just don’t WANT to go through that. Hopefully we’ll be successful this month and all this will work out. Hopefully…

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To SA or not to SA

I’m 10 DPO today, and although I decided not to test last month, I DID want to test today. I know it’s going to be negative, there’s just no way it could ever be positive. Nope. Just can’t happen. Unfortunately half way into peeing this morning I realized I wasn’t testing! Turns out I’m out of tests anyway. I don’t have any out of the ordinary symptoms, like some of these women on the baby forums talk about. Boobs hurt the normal amount of hurt, my sense of smell is the same, I have the same symptoms as every other negative month. I’d like to think when it works that I’ll have some sort of “ah ha” moment where I get brown nipples or a super human sense of smell or insert other bizarre super early pregnancy symptom.

We figured if I got a negative today it would be all the more incentive to submit a sample for SA tonight. Makes sense right? The problem is I HATE testing. I can’t remember exactly which month my overwhelming, Christmas morning 10DPO excitement started to fade. Probably somewhere around the 7th negative. I want to test, but I also want to just say fuck it and submit the SA anyway because….there’s just no way I could have a positive and I need to stop thinking in those terms and just realize this is not going to happen on it’s own. My mind probably wouldn’t believe it anyway if I did see 2 lines.

Delayed Ejaculation = delayed pregnancy?

My birthday was on Friday, I just turned 24. I really, really wanted to have a child before this birthday but I guess we don’t always get what we want. Hopefully 24 will by year in the sun!

This is as good a post as any to introduce my methods of conception. Methods of conception you say? There’s methods other than penis + thrusting + vagina = babies? I’m about to blow…your….mind. Yes. Yes there are. Chances are if you’re using the aforementioned method, you’d have no reason to believe there are other ways to make a baby between 2 healthy consenting adults. Spoiler alert…straight up penis + vagina sex just doesn’t work for everyone.

I am one of those people. We have an issue known as delayed ejaculation. It is exactly what it sounds like, ejaculation is delayed or non existent either through sex or by manual stimulation. My husband can get it up, keep it up, and up, and up….and up. There’s no down. SOUNDS AMAZING RIGHT?! Well yes and no. It’s great for me because I can get as much as I need to be happy, but because my husband does not experience a climax in sex, it’s no where near as enjoyable for him. When it comes to baby making, it down right sucks.

There seems to be 4 main external male issues; getting it up, keeping it up, keeping it in, and getting it out. Although some couples suffer with premature ejaculation, when it comes to baby making that sounds amazing. Especially dealing with the flip side.

We’ve gotten a pretty good system worked out to get around this. We will commence baby mambo for a little bit for my needs, my husband will end up stimulating himself until he’s about to pop, then a well timed thrust back in and voila! Almost like the real thing….almost. Sometimes the timing isn’t correct and we’ll get a small strike on an outlaying island, if you know what I mean. I’ll always end up with sperm in the right place when all is said and done. Because sex is exhausting and basically pointless for my husband, we’ve also adopted a second method. This involves some oral sexytimes wherein either I or he finishes and he goes into a plastic cup. I then take an oral medicine syringe, suck up all the sperm, and insert it myself.

Both methods have the same results as regular sex, sperm deposited all up in my business, so I’d have to assume that my methods have little to do with my lack of pregnancy thus far. The only issue these methods impart is frequency. Because we’re not one of those couples constantly fucking, we only try during my fertile window. Usually 1-2 tries in my 3 days of egg white cervical mucus. That’s all that matters right? Any sex outside of fertile sex isn’t going to get you pregnant. I’d LOVE to have sex twice a day for 5 days or whatever it takes so that I’m constantly stuffed with male DNA, but it’s never going to happen. It only takes one lucky sperm….that’s what I keep telling myself.

Had a dream last night…

I think it had to do with an inner fear of being judged that I’m sure every parent has. I was with a small boy child, that my mind placed at either 1-4 years old, but visually he appeared to be at least 4. I only saw him from the back, standing in front of me. We were at the pediatrician’s office and it was time for some shots. He was screaming and being generally loud, to the point that the entire clinic could hear. I felt extremely self conscious, that my child was causing a disruption and people would wonder why I couldn’t keep my kid quiet. Part of me wanted to resort to a spanking, no idea where that came from. I quickly realized it was stupid to feel self conscious. We’re at a doctors office, a young child is getting shots, and he’s scared. He has every right to be afraid and cry, it comes with the territory. I knelt down and asked him where my big brave boy had gone. I don’t see my big brave boy anywhere, doctor, do you see where my big brave boy went? Big brave boys get their shots, even though they hurt, because they make him strong and healthy. The boy stopped crying, and that’s when I woke up.

Hmm, the first of many parenting dreams? I have a huge fear of being a terrible parent. Lazy, inattentive, over critical, not being able to control bad behavior, everything you can think of. I have 3 dogs and I like to think they’re well behaved. I can get barking spells under control quite quickly, even when they’re in the back yard and the neighborhood dogs are out and making a fuss. The problem is, dogs don’t understand English, you can’t reason with them. I admit I’ve trained my dogs through well placed cracks on the behind from time to time. I don’t believe you have to do the same with children. Raising kids and raising dogs are 2 different things…..right? I’m afraid I’ll resort to the same “training” methods with children. How terrible would that be?

I was raised in a spanking household and I believe it contributes to my current situation of not being terribly close with my parents. Spankings were handed out for accidents like spilling milk or dropping a plate. I was verbally assaulted and backed into a corner for getting a speeding ticket when I was 16. You can’t train accidents out of people, everyone makes mistakes. I respond to logic and reason, not violence and yelling. I believe children are the same. I don’t want to live in a world of “because I said sos”. Did I turn out ok? Sure. I’m the only one of my close female friends to have any college degree (most never attempted to go or got pregnant and dropped out).  Not coincidentally, I’m the only one with a house. I think I have a pretty good life, all things considered. However, I’m sure I would have turned out the same sans the spanking.

Look at me, doling out parenting advice and I can’t even get pregnant. Silly me. I should shut up now.

It begins…

It’s currently 1:45 in the afternoon and I’m sitting in my office, feeling slightly ambivalent towards everything I do here. I’ve been meaning to start this blog for a while now, partly as a way to cope with what’s happening in my life, but mostly because I know I’m not alone, and I want those people to find me.

It’s not like fertility issues get a ribbon to slap on your car, it’s just not something people rally around and feel proud to talk about. The network is smaller, more fragmented then other cause-worthy ailments. We’re no AIDS or Autism, there is no cure in sight. It might as well be called the luck of the draw. We blog, we surf the baby and ttc forums, we go to our doctor’s office support groups, but largely, we still feel alone.

That’s what it’s like in the 15%.

I wonder if there’a a handy dandy breakdown of that 15% somewhere that shows what percentage of these couples are under 30. I’m guessing it’s less then half. Being 24 and finding out having a baby isn’t as easy as all your pregnant friends make it seem is like some sort of undocumented level of hell. Yep, that’s got to be it…the 10th level of hell: Being the only person in your circle of friends to never be pregnant. Inundated with pictures of beautiful, rosy cheeked babies on your facebook, glowing pregnancy pics, baby shower after baby shower, it hurts. You just smile and tap your foot impatiently, whens it going to be my turn?

After 12 months of trying, I knew it wasn’t going to be any time soon. There’s something wrong with us. Month after month of perfectly timed baby mambo sessons haven’t yielded a thing except a trash can full of crushed dreams and pee soaked OPKs and Answer brand pregnancy tests.

I took to Google, found myself a fertility clinic, and made an appointment….March 5. I’m nervous and excited at the same time. See, I don’t think the problem is me. My cycles are like old faithful….erm, maybe too literal. How about they’re as predictable and on time as Japanese transit? Works. I don’t have any outward issues like irregular cycles, breakthrough bleeding, pain, anything that would indicate a classic female fertility issue. I’m not overweight (closer to underweight), I get positive OPKs the day before O and 3 days of EWCM. That only leaves one person, my husband.

My money is on low sperm count. My husband is overweight, but not by a lot. He’s made changes to his diet and completely eliminated soda in an effort to make himself healthier. If low sperm count is the cause, how in the world do you help that?! I’m still the one who gets poked and prodded to work around that issue with IUI or even IVF…40% of infertility may be the cause of men, but 100% of women are the ones who have to suffer through it procedure wise. Unless you call masturbating in a cup and having blood drawn “suffering”.

I think that’s a good place to stop for today.

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